‘The Bachelorette’: The Plastics

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 20

The Bachelorette
July 10, 2023

It’s morning number who knows who cares, and Charity stops by the McMansion to inform the men that they are beginning the travel portion of this experience and headed to … Oceanside, California, a town a full 40 minutes away. Yay. The men are to pack up and be on the bus in 30 minutes — except for one lucky man who will go on the first one-on-one date of the week: Earrings.

Charity and Earrings take a helicopter over Southern California, Charity all the while explaining that it freaked her out that he was talking about wanting to leave (let him go) and that she needs some clarity from him (LET HIM GO).

Earrings, who grew up near San Diego, becomes very excited as they fly over PetCo Park, imagining what it would be like if they landed in the center of the field. Which they don’t do — but they do land adjacent to the baseball park, prompting Earrings to exclaim the incredibly unfortunate, “HOLY SHITAKE MUSHROOMS!”

They are met by “The Swinging Friar,” the San Diego Padre’s terrifying mascot, who gives them personalized jerseys (Ms. Lawson and Mr. Lawson), some gloves, and a ball to play catch.

It goes great.

THE RED FLAGS ARE LITERALLY HITTING HER IN THE FACE AT THIS POINT, Y’ALL.

That night over “dinner” in the middle of the field, Charity confronts Earrings about the threat he made that the barbecue, that he was considering leaving, and admits that it made her nervous. Earrings insists that he wanted to stay, but he did have concerns, and that while he is not upset that she’s dating other people, it does bring back old insecurities from having been cheated on. He promises to do his best to stick it out with her. Which … is not exactly reassuring or the sort of confidence that I think Charity is looking for? He then writes a dumb message on a baseball that says she’s “worth trying for” which, SIR, THAT’S THE BARE MINIMUM HERE. But it’s good enough for Charity who offers this dingus the date rose.

Back at the hotel, the men receive the one group date card:

“Tennis Boy; A-A-RON; Cap’n Chicago; Apple Cider; Ric Flair; Firebug; Big Check; Almost-Dr. X; Towelie; Tall Adrian; Tall Dotun; Sad Pop Music: Ken you feel the love tonight? – Charity”

This suggests that One-Way Ticket — whom no one has heard utter a single word — has received the last one-on-one date this week.

The other men:

As for the group date, the men are brought into what can only be described as the bowels of a Barbie Malibu Beach House, where they are greeted by Charity and rare Bachelorette success story, Jojo and Jordan. There, Jojo and Jordan explain that the men are going to be a part of a promotional tie-in for the upcoming Barbie movie: they will write a love song for Charity to the tune of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” which they will perform in front of a crowd while wearing one of the Ken costumes there on display in the life-sized Barbie wardrobe box.

(Fun [?] fact: Though The Bachelorette and The Bachelor are on ABC which is owned by Disney — and they play heavily into all that Disney princess bullshit — the Bachelor franchise is actually produced by a division of Warner Bros. which is also the distributor for the Barbie movie.

)

Right. So. The men pick their costumes, and they’re actually pretty wonderful if I’m being completely honest with you:

There is also Apple Cider Ken (80s Prom Ken):

And A-A-RON Ken (Merman Ken):

And Tall Adrian Ken (Classic Ken):

Can’t wait to see what the show does for a tie-in with Oppenheimer.

Once on stage, the men sing terrible, off-key performances of their terrible “love” songs, and despite Ric Flair putting his whole chest into it:

… Big Check wins by maintaining eye contact with Charity and embodying the complete vacuousness of an actual Ken doll. For his prize, Big Check has a moment alone with Charity out on a pier where they chew on each other’s tongues for a while.

The other men — but especially Glitter Ken, also known as Firebug — are irritated that Charity picked pretty boy Big Check, so when Big Check joins them by entering the room singing his dumb song, he doesn’t make any new friends. Firebug asks if Big Check is an only child, before suggesting that he humble himself and act like he’s “been there before.”

And so when Charity joins them, and Big Check is the first to take her aside to talk, the other Kens are BIG MAD.

As for her conversations with the other men, they’re pretty generic except for her time with Dotun: she brings him up to her hotel room for a more intimate conversation. And though he doesn’t say anything particularly mind-blowing — he does tell her that it’s interesting to watch her become his “ideal woman” but that’s about it — she still tears up for some reason. Thus, it’s no particular surprise when she offers him the date rose (and when he will be in her final two because obviously).

And then there’s the final one-on-one date with One-Way Ticket. Charity explains that she chose him because of his pretty, pretty face, and not because they’ve actually ever had a conversation about anything. The pair put on their fanciest clothes and go to the theme park from Zombieland.

Because what better to wear to ride a Sling Shot in than heels, a long evening gown, and a fur stole?

Not awkward at all.

After many rides and zero conversation, they make their way to an ice cream parlor, where Charity becomes irritated at having to scoop her own ice cream while One-Way Ticket stands around like a dolt.

Then, over dinner, Charity tries to ask him about previous relationships and open him up a bit.

What happened in your past relationships?

One-Way Ticket:

What’s your worst attribute in a relationship?

One-Way Ticket:

Ok, what’s your BEST attribute in a relationship?

One-Way Ticket:

“Well, I can tell you it’s not communication.”

And with that Charity is like, “Yeah, this isn’t going to work, how about you take this one-way ticket back home, friend.”

With that, Charity walks One-Way Ticket out to the airport van where — and this is not an exaggeration, it literally happens — he immediately falls asleep.

THE MAN IS AN ICON. A STAR. GIVE HIM HIS OWN SHOW IMMEDIATELY.

The next day, Earrings out here is talking about how he had a dream wherein Charity took his rose off of him and gave it to someone else.

He then goes on to tell A-A-RON that he worries he will have a hard time getting engaged at the end of all this to a woman who has dated 20 other dudes. He just isn’t 100% certain that he can get down on one knee after this experience.

A-A-RON:

That night at the cocktail party, Charity visits with Tennis Boy who shows her some notes his grandfather wrote to him; Almost-Dr. X gives her a scarf he knitted for her — MARRY HIM IMMEDIATELY; and Earrings asks if she still has the baseball he wrote that dumb note on.

When it’s A-A-RON’s turn, he immediately tattles on Earrings, telling her that he said that he’s not ready for an engagement, and doesn’t want to be with someone who has dated 20 of his friends — which are things that he said! He said all of that! Which of course, ONCE AGAIN, begs the question: WHY ARE YOU HERE? You knew what you were signing up for! This is the TWENTIETH (20) SEASON OF THIS SHOW. No one surprised you with the facts that: 1. There will be many other guys dating the same woman and that 2. You will be expected to at least PRETEND to get engaged if you make it through all 10 weeks. None of this is kept a secret. SO WHY ARE YOU HERE?

Anyway. Charity is overwhelmed with a wave of nausea at this news, and uncertain what to do, exactly. She marches off to confer with producers, while A-A-RON rejoins the rest of the men and confesses to tattling on Earrings. And interestingly, the other men are mad at A-A-RON for creating drama and taking time away from them, and not with Earrings for being a deceitful, borderline misogynistic asshole.

Earrings himself is the most angry, understandably, but he argues that he’s the only one there being honest and transparent; that none of them are ready to get engaged and if they think they are, they’re lying to both themselves and Charity. And who knows! Maybe so! But they at least are playing the game they have chosen to join, as opposed to him.

Charity pulls Earrings aside for a chat, where he tells her that he does like her and that his feelings are real, but if she’s asking if he can see himself getting engaged, he doesn’t know yet. He’s just being honest.

And Charity, she seems genuinely torn, unsure whether to take his rose away or not — which is how we go into the rose ceremony.

Rose #1: A-A-RON
Rose #2: Ric Flair
Rose #3: Almost-Dr. X
Rose #4: Tennis Boy
Rose #5: Cap’n Chicago
Rose #6: Sad Pop Music
Rose #7: Big Check
Rose #8: Towelie

But there’s a moment before Jesse Palmer dismisses the men without roses when Charity walks out of the room, ostensibly to consider taking Earrings’ rose away and giving it to one of the roseless men. Unfortunately, however, she returns and Jesse Palmer announces that the roseless must leave now: Earrings lives to see another day.

Which means the men who must go away now are: Apple Cider; Tall Adrian; and Firebug. I’ll miss you and your vicious takedowns of all the other men, including Yosef, most of all, Firebug. See you in Paradise, big guy.

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Charity:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Charity:

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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