‘The Bachelor’: When the vow breaks

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 27

The Bachelor
March 20, 2023

It’s Fantasy Suite time, and Zach arrives in Thailand in another of his father’s embarrassing Tommy Bahama shirts. Seriously, did no one tell Zach that “normcore” is no longer a thing? Can someone please get him that memo?

Upon arriving at the resort, Zach has a sit down with Jesse Palmer where he notes that it was at this stage in his relationship with Rachel that “everything turned upside down” and he’s scared of it happening again.

Seriously, though, what the fuck happened? AND WHY WON’T ANYONE TALK ABOUT IT?

He does say that the Fantasy Suites do allow you to learn a lot about someone for better orworse, and that what he learned last time was for “the worst.” WELL. THAT’S INTERESTING.

Zach then explains that he’s been following his gut and heart this entire time and that his gut and heart are telling him that what is important is NO SEX this week. ABSOLUTELY ZERO SEX. NO SEX WITH ANYONE, PERIODT. Jesse Palmer is like, “Lol, OK, welp, good luck with that.”

And then Zach gets out of his Tommy Bahamas to take yet one more shower, this time with a bunch of monkeys looking on.

SEXLESS DATE #1: Bored

Before Zach arrives, Bored is burbling about how she just has the BEST TIME with Zach (do you, though?) and that she’s excited about tday, because it’s not just a date, it’s a chance to become physical with Zach, which is a big part of getting to know someone romantically.

Zach arrives and explains that their date is off to a late start for a reason, before loading her intotuk-tuktuk and taking her to a night market. Because … night market. There, they eat grubs and crickets and … a brief rant. I hate when this show goes to some Asian country and they inevitably have them eat insects. I get that it is legitimate street good, but it always feels exploitative, like a Fear Factor segment rather than an attempt to really get to know and enjoy the people, their food, and their culture. Just let them enjoy some tod mun pla or some papaya salad or kai jeow without the threat of Joe Rogan making a cameo for once. /rant

ANYWAY. There are fire dancers and Bored makes a joke about how sparks are literally flying between them.

Later, Zach and Bored attend the fake dinner stage of their date where they discuss how much fun they had and how they are equally adventurous because they are willing to eat some crickets. Bored adds that she accidentally told her mother that she was falling for Zach — which she wasn’t going to tell anyone, including Zach. But she tells him now and immediately apologizes for being so “dumb.” GOOD. YOU SHOULD APOLOGIZE, BUT NOT TO HIM. LOOK AT ZACH. AND THEN GO LOOK IN A MIRROR AND APOLOGIZE TO YOURSELF.

Zach gives her the Fantasy Suite date card, and after she opens and reads it, Zach is like, “So, yeah, one small edit, there’s going to be no sex.” Bored is like, “Yeah, well, I don’t like to make strict plans, so by saying that we’re not going to have sex, we probably will.” They laugh at this, like she’s joking, but she doesn’t seem to be joking, adding that she just wants to spend time with him tonight and “can you imagine not having sex and just going straight to sleep?”

They agree to go to the sex room together and make their way into the pool and then later into robes and later to the bed.

But apparently nothing happened, because the next morning she’s laughing at all the “positions” they were in the night before, and Zach makes a big show to clarify that she means SLEEPING positions. Zach yammers about how much stronger his relationship is with Bored having spent the night without having banged her, and I’d like to hear her side of things pleaseandthankyouverymuch.

SEXLESS DATE #2: Maple Syrup

Earlier in the episode, they edited a shot of Maple Syrup into Zach and Bored’s date to make it appear that she was spying on them, but she was not. The point they were trying to emphasize, however, was that Maple Syrup was feeling insecure and that she hadn’t seen Zach in more than a week. 🙁

The day of her date, she seems to be feeling better, and talks up how excited and nervous she is to see him again. He meets her on the beach and points out a pirate-looking ship offshore that is going to take them to a “private island.” They sail out to this island and seem to be having a great time, but Maple Syrup is radiating nervous energy and talking about how sweaty she is and how she’s “looking crusty.” Soon enough, it’s all spilling out: she has been in her head about this week, and being the second date has made her feel second best and it’s stressing her out. And with that, she runs off to cry to a producer.

Zach gives her a moment before approaching and checking on her. She assures him that she’s OK, but that ever since she was cheated on she has never felt good enough, and receiving the second date made her feel … a lot of things. Zach insists that the order of the dates doesn’t mean anything and reassures her that he knows how hard and exhausting this entire process is.

They take a walk down the beach, and Maple Syrup talks about how much it means to her that he cared enough to make sure she was OK.

MA’AM, THAT IS THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM. IT WOULD BE WEIRD IF HE HADN’T.

That night at fake dinner, Maple Syrup is still going on with the self-deprecating talk, insisting that she was “looking gross” and that her hair was “disgusting” and that her makeup was running off. And as a woman of a particular age, I wish every 20-something woman could, just for a fleeting moment, see themselves through their 45-year-old eyes. Just for one moment. The world would be a much different place. And you wouldn’t have a bunch of perfectly attractive women flinging themselves at mediocre mesomorphs.

But I digress. At fake dinner, she talks some more about struggling to know her value after having been cheated on, but that he has shown her what a worthwhile love looks like. She confesses that she is falling in love with him, and Zach declares that hearing her say this feels like a “puzzle” has come together.

Zach gives her the date card, and after she reads it is like, “Plot twist: I’m not having sex with anyone this week.” Maple Syrup is taken aback by this, and admits that she “wouldn’t say it brought [her] relief.” But, she winks at Zach, she “won’t try to seduce [him].”

They go to the sex suite and check out the rose-petal-filled tub and the big bed and Maple Syrup tells the camera that Zach says he’s not having sex … but who knows? Maybe he will.

The next morning, Zach and Maple Syrup are both talking about how the night before was “special” and Maple Syrup adds that she DEFINITELY is falling in love with him.

Zach leaves, and immediately heads to Jesse Palmer to confess that he broke his own stupid self-imposed no-sex rule with Maple Syrup.

LOL.

So, the Bachelor editors made it very clear in previews that 1. Zach was going to create the arbitrary NO SEX rule and 2. Zach would violate his own arbitrary NO SEX rule, but we didn’t know with whom he would make the sex. Suffice it to say, no one predicted Maple Syrup would be the one.

Right, so, Zach explains that he had sex with Male Syrup, and that it was very special and very important and they needed it for their relationship. BUT. He feels terrible because he went against his own word.

Zach also decides that the only thing to be done now is to tell everyone that he had 1. made this no-sex rule and then 2. immediately violated his no-sex rule with Maple Syrup. Jesse Palmer, speaking for all of us, is like “LOL, YOU SURE?” But Zach insists he doesn’t believe in secrets and lies, and he’s going to first go tell Maple Syrup that he’s going to tell everyone else.

So. While Austin Nurse is obliviously preparing for her date, Zach goes to Maple Syrup’s room. There he tells her that the previous night was “so huge” and magical for them, but that he has to get through this week with no secrets. To that end, he is going to be fully transparent to the other women that they did the doing.

Maple Syrup is taken aback by this: this was a private moment between the two of them, and now he’s out here telling the world what happened? But Zach is insistent that he can’t start a marriage with someone on a lie (which, if I’m overthinking it a bit, suggests that he has no intention of proposing to Maple Syrup, but rather to one of the women he didn’t — or hadn’t — slept with). Zach does tell Maple Syrup that he is falling in love with her and that he can see a future with her, but she’s still clearly mortified that he’s putting all her business out there.

SEXLESS DATE #3: Austin Nurse

Zach meets up with Austin Nurse in a swamp of some sort where they are going to kayak in a clear-bottomed boat while it rains on them. It’s not a terrible date, but it’s no pirate boat to a private island, either.

Eventually, Zach suggests that they pull over towards a trail and get out. There, sitting in the rain on a log in a swamp with their ankles dangling in crocodile-filled jungle water, Zach announces that he has something he needs to tell Austin Nurse. He explains that he went into this week with the intention of not having sex with anyone, but WHOOPSIE! he sorta slipped and fell into Maple Syrup, and he just wanted to be completely honest with her. Also, he’s really sorry.

Austin Nurse is, understandably, gobsmacked. Because let’s break this down from her perspective:

It’s Fantasy Suite Week, and the expectation is that the Bachelor is going to spend the night, and presumably have sex with three different women because we’re all adults here and Zach hasn’t been marketed as the Virgin Bachelor (unlike some people) (and we all know how that ended). But then, this asshole comes to her and explains that he created this completely unnecessary and arbitrary rule for himself to NOT have sex with anyone, only to break said rule on the second night. It’s not that he had sex with someone else and felt compelled to tell Austin Nurse: she didn’t want to think about it too much but she obviously assumed that he was going to have sex with all of them. It’s that out of nowhere, he decided to not have sex, and then did so, and then felt compelled to tell her all of this.

Not to defend Zach here, because everything about this is SO STUPID, but had he not told her that he made this no-sex rule, and then violated it with Maple Syrup and she found out about it after getting engaged to him and while watching the show back, yes, that would have been much worse for him. BUT THAT’S WHY YOU DON’T MAKE THE NO-SEX RULE IN THE FIRST PLACE UNLESS YOU ARE A CLOSETED GAY MAN LIKE COLTON AND HAVE NO REAL INTENTION OF HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE.

So fucking stupid, my God.

Anyway, Austin Nurse is super pissed and refuses to pretend to be cool with any part of this: she doesn’t want to hear him say he had sex with someone else, that’s just gross; and she doesn’t want to hear that he’s sorry.

(Literally in my notes at this moment in all caps was: “WAIT IS SHE CANADIAN????”)

Austin Nurse tries to be as cool about this as she can, and Zach tries to reassure her that he can really see it being her at the end, but she’s like “OK, but how do you want me to respond? Did you want me to be like, ‘YAY!’?”

Understandably, Austin Nurse has some thinking to do about whether or not she wants to continue this date or just go home already, but in the end, she shows up to fake dinner where he explains that his Catholic guilt got the best of him, and that he just can’t keep secrets. Or it in his pants. He offers her the date card, and she accepts it, though everyone seems deeply bummed.

There is no morning after montage, so make of that what you will.

It’s finally the rose ceremony, and when the time comes, Maple Syrup comes in second once again:

Rose #1: Austin Nurse
Rose #2: Maple Syrup

Goodbye, Bored! You were much too intelligent, mature, cool, and pretty for this half-neanderthal, my dear. Go break everyone’s hearts in Paradise.

As Zach says his generic goodbyes to Bored, and Bored makes her generic noises about how great a person Zach is (IS HE THOUGH??), back on the platform, Austin Nurse whispers to Maple Syrup that she “knows [she] was the only one.”

And on that incredibly awkward and painful note, we’re off to the finale, which, at this rate, is certain to be a hot pile of garbage.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Zach:

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m and streams on Hulu.

One thought on “‘The Bachelor’: When the vow breaks”

  1. Good grief! You must really be into this Bachelor show to write pages about it! You’re a fun writer to read and I just hope some of those Bachelor fans see this to enjoy.

    Reply

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