‘The Bachelor’: Sometimes bad bitches cry.

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 27

The Bachelor
January 30, 2023

It’s day one of this nonsense, and the women are moving into the McMansion.

For the 27th time.

What I’m saying is that we’ve been through this before. This has been done before. The women move into the house, they ooh and aah over it being a “mansion,” they exclaim over the pool, and then six or seven of them go up to the balcony and yell the name of The Bachelor into the ether for NO GOOD GODDAMNED REASON.

We have done this. 26 other times, we’ve done this.

In an interview recently, Jesse Palmer defended this season as being a throwback to the early days of The Bachelor: “Instead of trying to completely redefine and recreate itself,” Jesse said, “it’s just getting back to what it’s supposed to be.”

And apparently what it’s supposed to be is feet-numbingly boring. I have never been so bored in my life, and I’ve gone to the DMV without an appointment and with minimal phone charge.

Meanwhile, Zach is busy doing the shower monologue, yammering about how excited and hopeful he is. And Zach, he’s making history: he might be the first unwaxed Bachelor to shower for us.

This brings me to something that I meant to bring up in the last recap but didn’t get around to it because we had to meet 781 women. But! I had the realization that this might be the first real Gen Z season of The Bachelor. It was Glitter Bomb and Blackface Defender who stood out the most to me — they looked very young (because they are — they are only a year or two older than my oldest child) but they also had a very different beauty aesthetic than a lot of Bachelor contestants: very clean-faced, minimal makeup, minimal hair, a very natural look. And sure enough, they are 23 and 24 respectively, so they were born in 1998, maybe 1999. And according to Wikipedia, Gen Z begins in 1997 — so roughly anyone between the ages of 11 to 26 falls into this group.

AND HERE’S WHERE IT GETS KINDA INTERESTING. Out of 30 women, there are 10 women 27 years old or older this season. As of this episode, the second episode, Zach has eliminated 6 of them. More than half.

NO MILLENNIALS NEED APPLY.

As for Zach himself, he’s 27, born in 1996. So while technically he’s not a Gen Zer, he’s as close as you can get — which might help explain the more natural, less waxed look in the shower.

And now that I have written three paragraphs to explain some himbo’s manscaping choices based entirely on a generational schematic that may or may not even mean anything, we go back to the McMansion where Jesse Palmer is explaining to the women how the week will work. There will be three dates: two one-on-ones, and one one-on-one. Oh and no one will be left out this week — everyone will go on a date.

With that, he leaves the first date card:

“First First; Rodeo Girl; Julia Roberts; Henry the Pig’s Mom; Baylin; Belchmeister; Baby Nurse; Bullhorn: I’m looking for big, big love.”

The women are herded into a party bus and driven to a studio somewhere, where they are greeted by rapper Latto:

Latto explains that on today’s date, they are going to have to demonstrate their “bad bitch energy” for Zach. Our dork then appears on the stage wearing a black leather jacket that DEFINITELY does not belong to him, trying to look … tough? Badass? I don’t know but whatever he’s going for, it’s not working.

lol

Latto goes on to explain that “bad bitch energy” is about being “beautiful inside and out” and that it’s more about confidence than appearance. With that, she demands they dance for her so that she can see what they’re working with. 

It’s not much.

Latto then warns that they aren’t the only women on the date, before bringing out three former Bachelor contestants — some of my favorite unhinged Bachelor contestants of all time.

Courtney from Ben Higgins’ season:

Victoria from Peter Weber’s season:

And Tahzjuan from Colton Underwood’s season:

The former contestants are clear: they are not here to steal Zach (because why would they?), they just want to help him find his “bad bitch.”

(I swear to the TV Gods, if someone says the words “BAD BITCH” one more time … well, I don’t know what I’ll do. Probably drink more box wine.)

To that end, the women are sent backstage to go backstage, find some photo booth props, and then “strut the catwalk.”

Henry the Pig’s Mom dons shiny purple opera gloves and a magic wand, a look that Belchmeister describes as “SO HOT.”

Gabagool finds cat ears (obviously) and crawls around on the floor.

Baby Nurse shoves a tiara on her head and menaces Zach with a dance ribbon.

Baylin shows up wearing a cheap and ill-fitting pink Party City wig.

Julia Roberts puts on a cowboy hat.

Bullhorn finds a pair of wings and kisses Zach.

And First First comes out with a chair, which she makes Zach sit in, and all of the other women talk about what a “great idea” it was and how jealous they are they didn’t think of it themselves.

OK, but was it? And are you?

The final challenge is for the women to take the stage and tell Zach and all of America about a time in their lives when they were “a real bad bitch.” These stories include the time Bullhorn won a beauty pageant with her natural hair; the time First First started her own company; and the time Baylin moved from one state to another.

Some stories are more bad bitch than others.

With that, Latto dismisses the women to go get ready for the afterparty, having proved themselves “all bad bitches” in her eyes.

Except … that’s when that lunatic Tahzjuan decides that actually, she’s the baddest bitch in the room, that Zach is cute, and that she wouldn’t mind joining his season. And I’m sure this was her spontaneous decision and that the producers had nothing to do with it as a means to manufacture drama.

At the afterparty, Julia Roberts reasserts that she is here to GET MARRIED AND MAKE THE BABIES AND SHE IS NOT KIDDING, MISTER. They make out.

First First is anxious because as “America’s pick,” she hasn’t actually received a rose from Zach yet. When she’s alone with Zach, she tells him that the past two days have been difficult, she has no support system, she is thinking of just going home, and she makes herself cry over nothing. They kiss; there is absolutely no chemistry.

While Zach is busy making small talk and having painfully awkward make-out sessions, the other women chat about what a great date it was and what a good group they have, and how they just can’t imagine there being any drama this season.

ENTER DRAMA.

Tahzjuan = Tahzjuan (ABC/Craig Sjodin)

Tahzjaun interrupts Zach’s conversation with Gabagool … whose face looks like this when it happens:

lol

Taz asks if she can chat with Zach for a moment, and Gabagool is like “????? But sure?”

GIVING. FACE.

She immediately goes and tattles to the other women about what is happening.

Meanwhile, Taz explains that she finds Zach “real” and “endearing” and a “good guy,” and that he “checks all of [her] boxes” and she would be remiss as a “bad bitch” if she didn’t ask him to consider adding her to his season.

Zach tells her he needs to think about her proposal, which translated from the original Bacheloreese means: “While you go generate some unnecessary drama with the other women, I will go talk to the producers to come up with a polite way of letting you down that won’t make me look like a jerk.”

In the meantime, Taz fulfills her part of the plan by sitting with the other women while they begin to lose their minds. Taz explains that her job was to judge the “baddest bitch” and none of them fit the bill, not as well as she did. In fact, it was actually painful for her to watch them attempt to be “bad bitches.” Taz goes on to say that she’s not new to this (which is not the burn she seems to think it is, having been on The Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise multiple times now) and that she’s ready to take on all 20 of them if she has to.

The other women all agree that this is incredibly awkward.

Taz disagrees. She doesn’t feel awkward at all. This is a woman who has eaten spaghetti in a swimming pool. SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT AWKWARD EVEN MEANS.

Zach finally returns to save everyone from this nightmare and asks to speak to Tahzjaun alone. Meanwhile, the rest of the women spin out of control, worrying about Zach’s intentions.

Zach eventually returns — alone — and unsurprisingly reveals that he sent Tahzjuan home. He explains that he has started developing feelings for all of them (o rly?) and he knew he couldn’t bring someone new in.

Meanwhile, Taz is outside, crying to Bachelor producers once again. “Bad bitches don’t cry,” she blubbers, while one producer assures her, “Sometimes bad bitches cry.”

As for the date rose, Zach gives it to Julia Roberts, who cares.

(Actually First First super cares. She shed very real, very emotional tears, and for what? To not receive the date rose? Come on.)

While all of this completely made-up drama is happening, back at the McMansion, Christina Mandrell receives the first one-on-one date card:

“Christina Mandrell: Let’s let our love soar.”

The next morning, while Christina Mandrell gets ready and talks about how she needs to share with Zach that she’s a single mother, the other women enjoy the pool and compare notes on kissing Zach and his “big tongue energy.”

Zach arrives at the McMansion and collects Christina Mandrell. He then drives her to a helicopter (excuse me — YAWN) and they fly around southern California, making sure to make a pass over the McMansion.

OH! and we also learn they are both Nickelback fans.

So they fly to Anaheim, Zach’s hometown, where he takes her to his childhood home so as to attend his mother’s birthday party. BUT NO PRESSURE OR ANYTHING.

Christina Mandrell meets the whole family (except, curiously, Uncle Puddy who is nowhere to be found) and they play ping pong and cornhole and his mom shows her his baby pictures. Christina Mandrell is nice and funny and polite and absolutely nothing interesting happens.

That night at dinner, Zach toasts to family and getting to know her more, and Christina Mandrell is like, “Yeah, about that. So there’s something I need to tell you and I completely understand if it’s too much for you. But I have a five-year-old daughter.”

Zach’s brain:

Christina Mandrell goes on to talk about her little girl, and how sassy and southern she is, and how being a mother is everything to her.

Zach’s brain:

Christina Mandrell goes on to explain that she had to take her daughter to her first day of Kindergarten alone, and that she’s looking for someone with whom to share those milestones, someone who will give unconditional love, the way his family gives him.

Zach’s brain:

Eventually, Zach is like, “WELL, WOW. WE SHOULD DRINK NOW.”

After the commercial break, Zach tells Christina Mandrell that if he’s being honest, learning that she has a kid is A LOT to take in. And while he wants to be a father one day, he’s not sure he’s ready for all that right now. That said, he’s going to offer her the date rose, because he wants to get to know her better and spend a little time with this information. (And also reserve his right to send her home down the line with the excuse that he doesn’t want to keep her from her child and not just because he’s done with her.)

Finally, the last group date … except not. For some reason (“bad bitch” drama) we cut the date activity altogether and head into the afterparty. And normally I wouldn’t care, except …

THEY CUT UNCLE PUDDY, THE ONLY REASON TO WATCH THIS SEASON.

Zach first chats with Bored, who still seems incredibly bored by all of this. And honestly? Who can blame her? She suggests that they write down and share their biggest vulnerabilities and they are incredibly unique and completely surprising: getting their heart broken, not finding their best friend, and being betrayed. Anyway, this is all an excuse for Bored to demand a kiss and Zach obliges.

There is so much mouth noise, you guys.

Blackface Defender has a little time with him where they make out again, as does Austin Nurse. As does Love Charity. As does Baby Nurse. As does Glitter Bomb.

He also tells Glitter Bomb about having pyloric stenosis when he was a baby, which he says left him with a sense of purpose, like he was meant to do something meaningful with his life …

Meanwhile, Maple Syrup is having a panic attack as the only woman who hasn’t had Zach’s tongue shoved down her throat. On top of that, she’s barely spoken to him.

So when she finally has her moment with him, she asks if she can make up a nickname for him, and suggests “Zachariah,” “Zachy,” “Zachy Poo,” “Zachary,” before circling back to “Zachy.”

The look on this man’s face during this conversation:

I don’t think he likes “Zachy Poo.”

Maple Syrup then goes on to talk about how important her family is to her and how now that she lives in Houston …

Wait, hold up, what? Since when?

… anyway, now that she lives in Houston she misses hiking and kayaking and going to farmer’s markets. AND BITCH, PLEASE. HOUSTON HAS ALL THAT. Sure, kayaking in the bayou isn’t … great. And we don’t exactly have mountains to hike in. But we have parks and farmer’s markets and I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, YOUNG LADY. Talking smack up in here about Houston … THE SECOND TIME IN TWO WEEKS ON THIS SHOW.

Anyway, the taste of “Zachy Poo” still lingering in his mouth, Zach opts to not kiss Maple Syrup and she spirals.

Zach gives the date rose to Glitter Bomb, and Maple Syrup sobs inconsolably to a producer. But if I’ve learned anything, Maple Syrup, “sometimes bad bitches cry.”

Finally, our Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. Zach arrives and greets the women telling them that he’s seen a lot of “bad bitch energy” before thanking Christina Mandrell for doing something as scary as meeting his family.

Christina Mandrell whispers, “I didn’t tell them about that.”

First First takes this news especially hard — SHE HASN’T EVEN RECEIVED A ROSE YET AND CHRISTINA MANDRELL IS OUT HERE MEETING HIS FAMILY ALREADY????

Anyway, Maple Syrup redeems her whole nickname mess with bribery: she brings Zach a jar full of peanut butter cups. As thanks, she finally gets that damn kiss.

They also try to “Lady and the Tramp” a peanut butter cup.

They are unsuccessful.

Rodeo Girl teaches — or attempts to teach him — how to lasso a motionless cow dummy.

All the while, First First is getting herself more and more worked up over Christina Mandrell, focusing on a thing that happened on the first night that I did not bother to mention in the last recap because it was such a non-event.

BUT. Upon arriving at the Bachelor Mansion, Christina Mandrell greeted First First, and noted that she still had her rose from the America’s Choice vote. Christina Mandrell also noticed that First First’s dress had roses all over it, tells her she looks beautiful, and adds, cheekily, “I hate you.”

NOW. AND THIS IS IMPORTANT: What Christina Mandrell does not say is “J/K” or something along those lines. Instead, she snort-laughs and First First in response gives her a friendly-ish pat on the shoulder.

However, in an interview, First First claims that in the moment, she felt like she had been “slapped in the face,” and “punched in the gut,” because Christina Mandrell said, “I hate you. J/K.”

But Christina Mandrell didn’t say “just kidding” or “J/K” because she didn’t have to. First First knew in the moment that Christina Mandrell was just joking — Christina Mandrell was exaggerating that she “hated” First First because of how beautiful she is — and that didn’t mean anything malicious by it. If anything, it was intended as a compliment.

But because First First is feeling insecure, has decided she is going to make it a whole thing.

The first thing First First does is confront Christina Mandrell about it. Christina Mandrell apologizes, says she doesn’t even remember saying it, but is terribly sorry she said it, she never had any ill intent.

This apology isn’t good enough for First First, because of course it’s not, because the whole thing is insincere.

So, First First goes to Zach to whine that someone has made things tough for her in the house, and she’ll tell him who it is if he wants to know …

Zach declines.

So First First tells him the whole, “I HATE YOU J/K” tragedy and Zach is like, “Is that it? Yeah, I can see how that would be annoying.”

But then Zach, to his credit, is like, “By the way, I feel like you have a lot of walls up with me and every conversation we have is heavy and serious and NOT FUN.”

And on that note, Jesse Palmer calls the women into the Dumping Room — it’s time to hand out roses, and shove some people in the Go Home Now Vans. LOOK OUT, MILLENNIALS.

Rose #1: Rodeo Girl
Rose #2: Baby Nurse
Rose #3: Blackface Defender
Rose #4: Someone Named Aly
Rose #5: Love Charity
Rose #6: Austin Nurse
Rose #7: Maple Syrup
Rose #8: Bored
Rose #9: Someone Named Anastasia
Rose #10: Bullhorn
Rose #11: Belchmeister
Rose #12: Henry the Pig’s Mom
Rose #13: Bailey
Rose #14: First First

Which means we must say goodbye to Kimmy G (30); Script Writer (30) and my sweet, unhinged giving-face Gabagool (26).

Gabagool, have I got the perfect guy for you …

 

Meatball = JAMES (ABC/Ricky Middlesworth)

(Rest assured, they will make this a whole thing in Bachelor in Paradise.)

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Zach:

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m and streams on Hulu.

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