MONDAY
The Emmys: Oh for fuck’s sake, as if I’m not behind enough already. I genuinely thought this was going to be on the 19th. Ugh. 7 p.m., NBC
E! Live from the Red Carpet: I mean, are the Emmys usually this early? Don’t they usually take place in the third week of September? I mean, I guess depending on how you count it, it might be the third week of September, BUT IT IS STILL TOO EARLY. 5 p.m., E!
Monday Night Football: Meanwhile, real ‘muricans will be watching the Broncos and Seahawks in the season premiere of Monday Night Football. And I’m not complaining, because this pushed The Bachelorette to a night OTHER than the one when the Emmys are airing. 7 p.m., NBC
TUESDAY
The Handmaid’s Tale: Gilead’s influence creeps into Canada in the fifth season premiere. Hulu
Academy of Country Music Honors: Carly Pearce hosts. Presenters and performers include Kelsea Ballerini, Dierks Bentley, the Warren Brothers, Brooks and Dunn, Dan + Shay, Jordan Davis, ERNEST, Jesse Frasure, Vince Gill, Ashley Gorley, Mickey Guyton, HARDY, Wynonna Judd, Avril Lavigne, Little Big Town, Morgan Wallen, and Lainey Wilson. 7 p.m., Fox
The Come Up: This new unscripted show follows six young people as they follow their dreams to make art in New York City. Series premiere. 8 p.m., Freeform
WEDNESDAY
Hell of a Cruise: This documentary explores the disaster that unfolded on Carnival Cruises’ Diamond Princess during the outbreak of COVID-19. (True fact: my husband represented Carnival in all of the lawsuits that unfolded after, so I am especially looking forward to this limited series.) Premiere. Peacock
Sins of Our Mother: This limited series follows the dark story of Lori Vallow, and what happened to her missing children in 2019. Premiere. Netflix
America’s Got Talent: A winner is chosen. Season finale. 8 p.m., NBC
MasterChef: Season finale. 7 p.m., Fox
Password: Season finale. 7 p.m., NBC
The Challenge: Season finale. 8 p.m., CBS
ABC Fall Preview Special: A look at ABC’s fall offerings. 7:30 p.m., ABC
THURSDAY
Atlanta: Final season premiere. Here’s what we’ve got: “Woooh chile, Atl is the GHETTO these days. I’m thinking about moving to Miami where it’s safe. Leave all my exes on read.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 9 p.m., FX
Ghost Adventures: For the season premiere, the Ghost Adventures boys help a family who claim that paranormal activity sent one of them to the hospital. 9 p.m., Travel Channel
Vampire Academy: This new series follows two young women, one a guardian-in-training, the other of royal lineage, as they study at St Vladimir’s Academy, a boarding school. Series premiere. Netflix
FRIDAY
Los Espookys: The charming Julio Torres/Fred Armisen series is FINALLY back. FINALLY. Season premiere. 10 p.m., HBO
Goodnight Mommy: Y’all. I watched the original German version of this film and it is disturbing. I’m not sure that I’m down to watch this Naomi Watts version, but you do you. Premiere. Prime Video
Fate: The Winx Saga: Season two premiere. Netflix
My Dream Quinceanera: This new series follows the fun — but drama-filled days before a young woman’s big day. Series premiere. Paramount+
Do Revenge: This new film, inspired by the classic Strangers on a Train, follows two high school girls who seek revenge on each other’s bullies. Premiere. Netflix
Dynasty: Blake and Alexis have to team up in the series finale. 8 p.m., The CW
CBS Fall Preview: A look at CBS’s fall offerings. 8 p.m., CBS
SATURDAY
Girl in Room 13: A recovering addict finds herself imprisoned by a drug dealer in this new movie inspired by a true story. Premiere. 7 p.m., Lifetime
The Godfather marathon: My Saturday plans are settled. 3:05 p.m., Showtime Extreme
SUNDAY
SEAL Team: Series premiere. Paramount+
Tales of the Walking Dead: Olivia Munn stars in this episode about a traumatized couple who seeks shelter in an abandoned school. Season finale. 8 p.m., AMC
The U.S. and the Holocaust: A three-part documentary that tells the story of the American response to the Holocaust, one of the greatest humanitarian crises in human history. Series premiere. 7 p.m., PBS