February 7, 2022
We are still in Houston — and by Houston, I actually mean Galveston, where Clayton and That Snitch Serene have their one-on-one date at the unfortunately named “Pleasure Pier.” And I know it’s named for the original 1948 Pleasure Pier in Galveston which was once the largest amusement park of its kind, but I’m still going to blame Tilman Fertitta for the gross name and you can’t tell me otherwise.
Upon arriving at the beach, Clayton tells That Snitch Serene that they have the entire pier to themselves. They proceed to ride all the rides and play all the games and Clayton creates all sorts of health code violations by getting behind the counter at an ice cream stand to serve That Snitch Serene a giant ice cream cone.
At one point That Snitch Serene gushes that no one has ever shut down a whole pier for her, as if Clayton himself had anything to do with planning any part of this date.
Before they leave the pier, That Snitch Serene and Clayton are chatting, and she is all, “I can tell you think I’m mysterious. People think I’m really mysterious. DO YOU THINK I’M MYSTERIOUS?” And Clayton is like, “I mean, I guess?”
That night, they go to another wedding venue, this time The Astorian over by the Heights Target. There, they have fake dinner, and That Snitch Serene shares her sob story: Her grandmother died a couple of years ago, and her younger cousin died a few months ago. Maybe from drugs? That Snitch Serene doesn’t really know and didn’t want to ask too many questions.
Clayton, not sure how to respond to all this, consults the Matt James playbook and thanks That Snitch Serene for “sharing this with [him].”
— ColleenWhiteway (@WhitewayColleen) February 8, 2022
Clayton then offers her the date rose, and the two of them stand on a balcony and make out and That Snitch Serene says she thinks she’s falling in love with him. Girl, really? You want to sit down and think about that for a minute or two? Did you get a concussion on that roller coaster?
The next night is the rose ceremony but before any roses are handed out, Clayton asks to speak to the winning team from the group date, and everyone — well, everyone but Monster Truck Villain — is like FUCKING FINALLY.
Alone with the winning group, Clayton is like “What happen at party?” and Back to the Future is like, “Oh, bitch, I will tell you exactly what happened. We spent all night telling you that Monster Truck Villain was an asshole, and then who shows up uninvited to the cocktail party that she hadn’t earned? After talking … and doing God knows what else … with you, she comes outside, tells Cake Girl and me to keep her name out of our “fucking mouths” and throws the trophy into a pond. THAT’S what happened.”
Olympian adds that she recognizes that as a fellow athlete, Clayton knows what it means to be able to take an L, and not ruin the winner’s victory. And Teddy Bear adds that she’s just not sure how Monster Truck Villain comes back from throwing the trophy into the pond.
Clayton is all, “Me no know about trophy. Me talk to Villain.”
Clayton then sits Monster Truck Villain down to confront her with these allegations, and is like, “Throwing trophy bad. You sorry for throwing trophy?”
Monster Truck Villain has to think about it for a while before sighing that she is, in fact, sorry and it’s not in her character to act out so badly, she was just really heated in the moment.
With that, Monster Truck Villain drops some Visine, and heads out to the rest of the women. There, sniffling, Monster Truck Villain tells the other women that she’s sorry, it was never her intention to hurt anyone’s feelings, and she knows that she’s gone too far. She hopes they can get past this, and all become best friends.
Hannah Brown Jr., for one, believes her, because Hannah Brown, Jr. is a sweet idiot.
Monster Truck Villain then returns to Clayton, tells him she apologized and it went well, and Clayton is impressed enough to make out with her because he’s as dumb as a sock full of dirt.
— Stevie (@not__carly) February 8, 2022
Monster Truck Villain then gives an interview where she demands an Oscar, an Emmy, a Golden Globe for her performance because she is out there KILLING IT in this villain role.
And before we get to the rose ceremony, I had to go to The Bachelor wiki (yes, there is such a thing, and yes, I rely on it more than you want to know) to find that Teddy Bear received the group date rose, since thanks to Monster Truck Villain’s shenanigans (Shanaeningans) we never saw the part where Clayton offered it to someone. AND BY THE WAY, THAT GROUP DATE ROSE BELONGED TO OLYMPIAN CONSIDERING SHE WON THAT GAME SINGLE-HANDEDLY. OLYMPIAN WAS ROBBED.
Rose #1: Tony the Tiger
Rose #2: Olympian
Rose #3: Cake Girl
Rose #4: Marinara
Rose #5: Bachelor Groupie
Rose #6: Hannah Brown, Jr.
Rose #7: German Sausage
Rose #8: Snake Charmer
Rose #9: Monster Truck Villain
Which means we say goodbye to Death Threat, H-Town, and, yes, Miss Back to the Future.
On her way out, Back to the Future tells Clayton to choose the woman for the man he will become, not the man he is now
because that guy is clearly a Goddamned idiot, adding, “don’t be stupid.” Oh, sweet lady, he can’t help that. But I do look forward to you completely ruling over Paradise with a firm, but fair fist.
— The Following Program Contains (@TFPCPod) February 8, 2022
Oh, and before we go, we have to talk about our hometown girl who was eliminated in our hometown, H-Town. After it was revealed that she was eliminated, Little Miss Lady went on TikTok to tell on Clayton, claiming that his apology to Family Heirloom was some bullshit. She, for one, told him that Monster Truck Villain was bullying Family Heirloom for having ADHD, so he should not be out here lying about not knowing anything about it.
Clayton…. You knew. Wish you the best tho #thebachelor
Get him, girl.
As for the Clayton and the remaining women and Monster Truck Villain, they’re headed to their first international destination! TORONTO!
May God help the man who tells me he’s taking me on an international trip & we drive over the border to Toronto… #TheBachelor
— The Betchelor🥀 (@betchelorpod) February 8, 2022
And, look. As someone who lives in Houston, I know what it’s like to not be what people consider a “romantic destination,” or even “a destination.” And thanks to taking them on dates in Galveston AND FUCKING WILLIS, we never will be such a place. So I’m not going to pile on Toronto here. I’ve been to Toronto. Toronto is a lovely city. What I will say is that it’s not exactly “international” in the way most people think of “international.” Sure, they have some different branded snacks and they use the metric system. But otherwise, they have mostly the same TV shows, use the same language, and apparently the same bunch of whiny racists who are scared of a little needle. My point is, “international” is not the first word people associate with Toronto, Ontario.
Once they cross the border, the first date card is delivered: “Bachelor Groupie: Welcome to Toronto. Love is on the horizon. Love, Clayton.” Bachelor Groupie is surprised and grateful, both to receive the date and for all the other women being happy for her.
Well, almost all the other women.
For their date, Clayton and Bachelor Groupie go on a helicopter ride before arriving at a park. There, they play street hockey, eat “beaver tails,” spray paint some wall (?), and meet dogs.
— Game of Roses (@GameOfRosesPod) February 8, 2022
I’ve never identified with a Bachelor contestant more in my life, not even kidding.
Bachelor Groupie thanks Clayton for choosing her for this date, noting that she was surprised and completely freaked out. Clayton is all, “Me like you. You funny.”
That night over fake dinner, though, Bachelor Groupie explains to Clayton that while she’s glad he likes her goofier side, the way this process plays out, he also needs to get to know the other sides of her REAL FAST LIKE. She goes on to explain that in the past she’s been insecure in relationships, and hasn’t felt worthy of being loved. She traces this back to her troubled relationship with her mother, with whom she is estranged at the moment. Clayton is all, “You make nice with mother?” And Bachelor Groupie is like, “Yeah, it’s not that simple, but I hope I can one day.” Bachelor Groupie assures Clayton that she’s in therapy and ready to be in a relationship, and he offers her the date rose. They then climb into a swimming pool? In Canada? In what must be late October? I mean … OK …
Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives: “Pilot Rachel; Tony the Tiger; That Snitch Serene; Olympian; Hannah Brown, Jr.; Snake Charmer; German Sausage; Teddy Bear; Marinara: Can you take the heat? Love, Clayton.”
Cake Girl does some quick mental math and realizes that she and Monster Truck Villain are not included on the card which means THE DREADED TWO-ON-ONE DATE IS UPON US.
As for the group date, the women are taken to some outdoor bar where they are greeted by Jesse Palmer and Clayton. While Jesse Palmer is yammering about originally being from Toronto, comedian Russell Peters comes in and starts giving Clayton and Jesse Peters shit.
Here’s what you need to know about Russell Peters. I present this with no comment.
— Russell Peters (@therealrussellp) February 6, 2022
#820 – Milo Yiannopoulos
#810 – Big Jay Oakerson
#750 – Kip Andersen, Keegan Kuhn
#746 – TJ Kirk
#742 – Aubrey Marcus
#710 – Gavin McInnes
#702 – Milo Yiannopoulos
#674 – Brian Redban
#664 – Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky
#640 – Charles C. Johnson
#594 – Russell Peters
— Missing Joe Rogan Experience Episodes (@MissingJreEps) February 5, 2022
ANYWHO. The men reveal that the women will be roasting Clayton and each other, and they are like, “YES. FINALLY. LET’S GO.”
After a boring “Watching the Women Write Jokes” montage, the women step up to the microphone, starting with Olympian who demonstrates that there is not a competition she is not willing to CRUSH. She makes incest jokes at Clayton’s expense, makes fun of Snake Charmer’s IBS, and compares Monster Truck Villain to herpes.
Also, let me clear. I loved it, it was HILARIOUS 🤌🏼👏🏼👏🏼
— Hunter Haag (@HunterHaag) February 8, 2022
At one point, Tony the Tiger, who is the youngest contestant remaining, steps up and decides to make a bunch of jokes about how Marinara is an old cougar.
Marinara is 32 years old.
FOR FUCK’S SAKE, CAN WE PLEASE STOP CALLING WOMEN IN THEIR THIRTIES “OLD?”
Marinara takes her turn at the mic, and fires back with jokes about how young Tony the Tiger is, before ending on a pretty angry “go home, you desperate bitch,” note.
Clayton declares, “THIS BEST DATE.”
That night at the cocktail party, to counter the roasting, Hannah Brown Jr. takes Clayton aside to tell him all the things she likes about him including his dimples, the way he treats people, and his smile.
— Me (@fierycrash11) February 8, 2022
When it’s Olympian’s turn to speak to Clayton, he pops some champagne and tells her that “YOU GOOD MAKE JOKE. YOU CRUSH IT.”
German Sausage makes him do maple syrup shots with her; he takes Tony the Tiger outside for a quick makeout session; and Pilot Rachel tells him she would have never thought she would have enjoyed this date as much as she did because she’s not creative.
And then Clayton, who is a cement block, he goes and gives what is again clearly Olympian’s rose to Pilot Rachel who has done absolutely nothing to earn it other than bat her eyelashes at him.
Seriously, Olympian was robbed and should take it up with the IOC. (Although the nasty and pretty racist little TikTok video she recently posted attacking Tony the Tiger for no good reason both detracts a bit from the goodwill she was building up and is probably not going to do her any favors on the Paradise front. It’s really not a good look.)
Back at the hotel, Cake Girl and Monster Truck Villain receive their two-on-one date card: “Into the Falls your journey goes. Only one comes out with a rose. I need to make a decision. Clayton.”
These geniuses immediately figure out that they’re headed to Niagra Falls which is close to Toronto in the sense that Toronto is 22 hours closer to Niagra Falls than Houston, for example. But it’s still over an hour away, which is why it’s kinda hilarious that they made these two women share a limo and drive there together — WITHOUT THEIR PHONES.
In interviews, Monster Truck Villain reveals that 1. she has written a whole script for Clayton and 2. she thinks Cake Girl will look like a wet chihuahua in the Falls, and 3. she’ll just push her over.
Now, look. Monster Truck Villain (mostly) meant that as a joke, but a word of advice to any wannabe Bachelor villains out there: Don’t make jokes about drowning dogs. It doesn’t go over well.
All these seasons of the bachelor I've invested in, and all the villians I've just been like.. "They had a bad cut." A girl just acted like she threw a dog over Niagra falls. She is either kin to Umbridge or she's a paid actress… #TheBachelorABC
— Witknee (@WitkneeLawz) February 8, 2022
They arrive at the Falls, and Clayton is all, “This weird. We go on boat now.” And then they put on ponchos and stand around on a boat until TO BE CONTINUED is slapped on the screen.
in the trailer for the next ep of the bachelor it shows him on a boat in front of niagra falls and he points at it and says "look at that"
— hannah (@hannahmesch) February 1, 2022
Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Clayton:
The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.