December 14, 2021
For our final two episodes, Michelle and the remaining men are headed to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico which “Bachelor Nation” has made their secondary capital. Had the Bachelor in Paradise headquarters even had a chance to be fumigated by the time they began filming these episodes?
— the bitchelorette (@Bitchelorette_) December 15, 2021
Michelle chats with Kaitlyn on the beach about the three remaining men: The Bed Guy has always worn his heart on his sleeve, and she has no concerns about him; Ghost and Michelle have their hometown in common but he can be reserved (which is a fucking understatement); and Doggy Daddy caught her eye right away, but she’s concerned he’s not ready for an engagement.
Now that’s set up, Tayshia meets the men at the hotel who are feeling awkward around one another now that they are just down to three, and because they all know what this week of dates is all about:
And can I just recommend that whichever staffer it was who a couple of seasons ago came up with the idea to make the last three contestants hang out with one another as they go to and return from their fantasy suite dates, that this genius be promoted? Because ~chef’s kiss~. This is reality television gold right here.
Tayshia reminds them that this week is important because they will get to really spend time with Michelle without the pressure of the cameras, so if they have anything that they want to tell her now’s the time to do it.
She then leaves the first date card with the men which goes to The Bed Guy: “Let’s ride off into the sunset. ♥ Michelle.” The Bed Guy is pretty sure it is a good sign that she wanted him to go on the date first instead of a decision that was clearly made by production.
The Bed Guy meets Michelle in the jungle, where she reveals they will be going horseback riding, an activity that The Bed Guy has never done before. After a shaky start in which The Bed Guy has no control over his horse, they finally ride out to the beach, and The Bed Guy declares it the “most romantic thing” he’s ever done with someone.
That night for dinner, The Bed Gut arrives in full The Rock cosplay, God bless him.
At dinner, The Bed Guy assures Michelle that he will never forget this day with her and that he knows he is extremely lucky to be with her. After telling her that he knew she was the one when they got ice cream in her hometown, he declares his love for her. Michelle responds by saying that she can see a future with him and that he makes her “heart feel safe.” With that, she offers him the fantasy suite card, and he happily accepts.
Upon arrival, they find a hot tub and chilled champagne and they are given a full fireworks show, which the producers force Ghost and Doggy Daddy to go watch.
Salt: meet wound.
— kathleen (@kathleen_hanley) December 15, 2021
The next morning, Michelle and The Bed Guy are intruded upon by the crew because that’s what we do now instead of allowing these people a little discretion and privacy. After talking some more about feeling “safe” with each other, these two proceed to have a food fight with their breakfast food, which I’m sure the cleaning staff at the hotel thought was adorable later that afternoon.
The Bed Guy then returns to the other two men for some even more awkward silence and tension.
— joy to the whirled (@seeks_beauty) December 15, 2021
Ghost is the next date: “We’re falling for each other. ♥ Michelle.” As he leaves, The Bed Guy and Doggy Daddy are left alone together, and Doggy Daddy tries to get into The Bed Guy’s head by arguing that actually, being the last date of the week is the best. The Bed Guy, who had convinced himself that going first was best, has his mind blown. Doggy Daddy then wonders out loud what Michelle and Ghost are doing, and it suddenly occurs to The Bed Guy that she is also going on overnight dates with these two other guys, not just him.
As for their date, Michelle and Ghost go zip-lining and Ghost actually emotes, letting out a “WOOOOOO!” as he falls through the jungle. Michelle is shocked by this, as Ghost has said approximately 13 words this entire season.
After their zip-lining adventure, Michelle asks Ghost if he thought he could ever be this vulnerable, and by vulnerable, I suppose she means letting out an obligatory “WOOOOO!” as he zip-lined for the first time? He admits that she’s helped him “open up” (has she?) that she makes it easy to establish a connection with her; that she brings out his “goofy” side.
joe: i’m so glad you got to see another side of me.
— black lives matter (@gtburnett) December 15, 2021
They then make out in a horse field for some reason, and the horses try to get in on the action.
That night before their dinner, Michelle compares Ghost to a “puzzle” that she is figuring out …
I have so many problems with this. 1. Ghost is not a complicated puzzle. Ghost is a two-piece puzzle. You have solved the puzzle that is Ghost. But 2. Relationships aren’t about “solving” people. People are not puzzles to be put together, but rather growing, evolving, changing beings who are — hopefully — a little different from day to day. A mature relationship is about observing those changes, and that growth and hopefully finding a way to grow and change with them. BUT I DIGRESS.
At dinner, she brings up the fact that he “woooo’d” while zip-lining AGAIN. And before we move on … WOOING A COUPLE OF TIMES IS NOT THE SAME THING AS A PERSONALITY. MY GOD.
They talk about how many kids they each want and Ghost talks about how he went into real estate when sports didn’t work out for him because he wanted to set a foundation for his family. Ghost claims he wants to make a difference in this world, and insists that they could be a power couple. OK. Michelle offers him the fantasy suite card … as if there was any question.
The next morning, Michelle thanks Ghost for continuing to be vulnerable with her, and as they eat breakfast, she promises breakfast will be on her next time. (SPOILER ALERT: Hahahahahaha, no it won’t.)
Ghost returns to the other men, and when they ask him how the date was, he doesn’t hold back: “It was good, super cool. We went to the fantasy suite. It was great, a good time, it was fun.”
But it’s finally Doggy Daddy’s turn to leave for his date, and as he leaves, Ghost and The Bed Guy talk shit about how Doggy Daddy isn’t ready for marriage. Probably not! Especially since everyone who knows him keeps saying that he’s not! And also that part where everyone close to Doggy Daddy has said as much to Michelle’s face!
As for Doggy Daddy, he gets the traditional We’re On a Boat fantasy suite date, where they tool around on a fancy boat all day and get sunburned.
That night at dinner, Michelle knows she needs to press Doggy Daddy on if he’s really ready for an engagement, and begins by asking if he has anything on his mind. Doggy Daddy: “Nope.”
Michelle points out that there’s an engagement at the end of this thing, and she wants to know exactly where he’s at. Doggy Daddy claims that the previous week was huge for him, that his mother and stepfather asked him really challenging questions, some of which he didn’t have answers to.
And really, wouldn’t life be boring if you had all the answers to life’s questions …
Michelle informs Doggy Daddy that his stepfather warned her that Doggy Daddy could pull away at some point because he wasn’t ready. In response, Doggy Daddy insists that he is “feeling things” for her …
Michelle points out that falling in love, being in love, and being engaged are three very different things, and wonders which he is ready for. Doggy Daddy insists that he’s ready for all three and that he is falling in love with her. Michelle tells Doggy Daddy that she’s serious about this engagement thing, is he? And he claims that he can see himself getting there.
But that’s all she needs to hear to offer him the fantasy suite invitation even though he is now a walking red flag.
The next morning to prove me wrong, Doggy Daddy tells Michelle that he is in love with her, and she returns the favor, telling him that she is “definitely” in love with him. So sounds like the other two men can pack their shit right now. I don’t know that they will still be a couple 12 weeks from now, but it’s clear who Michelle is going to choose, come on.
When Doggy Daddy rejoins the other men and tells them that he had a great date, poor The Bed Guy and Ghost both look sick to their stomachs. But honestly, did they expect him to say anything different? I mean, “it was great” is better than “we explored each other on a physical and spiritual level unmatched by any lovers over the entirety of time and space,” but it’s also not like he was going to come back and say, “it was terrible, and I offended her with my personality and bad breath and fully expect her to send me home tonight,” either.
That night, as the rose ceremony is just about to begin, a nervous The Bed Guy asks to speak to Michelle, and she agrees, leading him outside. And what was so urgent? He just wants to tell her that she’s awesome one more time.
They return and it’s back to the roses:
Rose #1: Doggy Daddy
Rose #2: The Bed Guy
Which means the man who must go away now is Ghost. Oh, Ghost. So pretty, so boring. See you next year in Paradise, buddy. Maybe try to work on your conversation starters in the meantime.
The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Michelle:
The Men Who Are Going to Soon Be Dumped by Michelle. AND THEN THERE WERE TWO.
The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Tuesdays at 7/8 p.m.