Bachelor in Paradise
September 21, 2021
We begin where we last left off: with Taxiderpy freaking out after watching Grocery Joe and Queen’s Gambit profess their love for each other, despite having been told that it was, for really real, over between her and Grocery Joe, just a couple of days ago. Bobby Fischer — who inexplicably gave her his rose — tries to be like, “Hey, girl,” to Taxiderpy, but she’s all, “NOT NOW, BOBBY FISCHER.”
Taxiderpy asks Grocery Joe to go talk, explaining that there’s a part of her that does not want to give up on Grocery Joe, but that she also can’t let Grocery Joe continue to be in the way of her own happiness.
Alone with him, she admits that being back in Paradise brought back a lot of feelings, and having to be here and watch Queen’s Gambit fall in love with him, IT SUCKS. She admits to Grocery Joe that she never stopped loving him. She begins sobbing and he hugs her and assures her that he’s there for her … he’s just not, you know, going to be all the way here for her.
He asks Taxiderpy why she came to Paradise, and she says she thinks it’s the same reason he came here: she feels like she will always have love for him. When she asks him why he came to Paradise, he tells her he came because he knew it was over between them.
And with that, Taxiderpy realizes it’s her time to take her leave from Paradise.
Grocery Joe reassures Queen’s Gambit that their long ex-girlfriend nightmare is now over, while Bobby Fischer is like, “WELL, GODDAMMIT, NOW WHAT?”
The next morning, Lil Jon announces that two more men have arrived, and in come Demar from Clare and Tayshia’s season, who I called “Parachute Guy” because he showed up on the first night with a parachute? For some reason?
And that meathead Ed from Clare and Tayshia’s season, who I called “Bubble Boy” because he showed up in a human hamster call.
Both men come bounding down into Paradise, shirtless, possibly covered in baby oil, and The Model and Come Hither are interested in what they see. “Welcome to Paradise,” the shared date card reads, “It’s raining men.”
Parachute Guy asks to speak to The Model; Bubble Boy chats with Come Hither, and that’s who they end up taking on their dates, despite a brief and ultimately toothless threat that Parachute Guy might ask out Nip/Tuck.
However, her conversation with Parachute Guy makes Nip/Tuck think that she needs more from Groany McBad Joke, Esq., that he needs to express his feelings towards her more. (Well, that and the producers who are going around whispering in people’s ears that it’s now or never to say “I love you” to the people they are currently dating.)
As for the double date, Parachute Guy and The Model and Bubble Boy and Come Hither take a Sexy Art Class, in which the women paint the men in their almost nude states, and smear paint on each other, etc. etc. etc. But cheers to Come Hither for finally having fun on a date. It took long enough.
Back at Paradise, Dr. Joe mopes with a ukelele, wondering how Come Hither’s date is going AS IF THERE WAS A CHANCE WITH HER AFTER HE CALLED BOWTIE, “MY BOWTIE.”
— Millennial Elder (@yoginibythebay) September 23, 2021
Elsewhere in Paradise, another date card arrives, this time for Old Naked Guy: “Are you hungry for love?” He obviously asks Pageant Reina to join him, but it would have been funnier if he’d asked someone else. Where’s Red Flag when you need her?
Anyway, they go to the resort where they are ordered to strip down, again: their bodies are going to serve as the plates for a taco dinner. And let me just pause here and ask which of the producers were so fucking desperate to see Old Naked Guy NAKED IN EVERY SINGLE EPISODE? I demand a name.
Anyway, there are a lot of eating taco jokes because of course there are.
Once their clothes are back on, Old Naked Guy and Pageant Reina have a Very Serious and Monosyllabic Conversation about their feelings and their future and what they want after their little TV vacation is over. Old Naked Guy tells her that he never expected to have these feelings, but here he is. An engagement could be right around the corner, and while they don’t have to talk about that tonight, they will have to discuss it soon. He confesses that he is falling in love with her, she affirms that she feels the same, and there is kissing. He then tells her that he’s never told anyone that he loved them before in all of his 1,000 years, and then they return to Paradise and head straight to the dreaded Boom Boom Room.
Also happening in Paradise: James-in-a-Box makes a play for Sooey, bringing her into one of the balcony rooms for a “date.” And what this date consists of is James-in-a-Box showing off two pieces of makeshift art he made: a crude traffic light he painted on a scrap of wood representing Sooey’s one-stop-light town; and a rough skyline, representing his hometown of Manhattan. That’s it. That’s the date.
Sooey opens up a bit about her childhood in Arkansas, and how while she now lives in Nashville, she has no intention of ever living anywhere that isn’t within driving distance of home. So if this works out, James-in-a-Box, prepare to leave the big city for the hollers of Tennessee, friend. They do kiss, but after the “date” ends, Sooey explains that James-in-a-Box just doesn’t make her vagina dance or tingle. To express this point, she says the word “vagina” four times.
— Stonks (@quirkykweenie) September 22, 2021
Nip/Tuck has a super-boring conversation with The Model about how she needs to have a conversation with Groany McBad Joke, Esq. about how he feels about her. This serves as a completely unnecessary prelude to the conversation that she finally does have with him, in which he struggles to express his feelings before completely breaking down and sobbing about his difficult childhood and relationships with his parents.
Eventually, Groany McBad Joke pulls himself together enough to tell Nip/Tuck that he loves her, which, honestly, was the only thing she wanted to hear from him. She returns the sentiment, and the insecurities that were clearly planted in her (and Pageant Reina and Queen’s Gambit) by the producers who urged her to get Groany (and Old Naked Guy and Grocery Joe) to express his feelings are finally tamped down. Now they can all go into the proposal episode with at least a few couples who are “in love.”
The next morning is Rose Ceremony Day, except it’s not because a tropical storm is headed straight for them and they have to EVACUATE!!!! IMMEDIATELY!!!!
These dumb children proceed to FREAK OUT and think:
1. They might LITERALLY DIE!!!
2. Paradise is GOING TO BE DESTROYED AND THEY’LL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN!!!
3. They will never see the person they’ve been dating EVER AGAIN!!!
— Tori (@tori0ri0rix) September 22, 2021
When in reality what happens is:
1. They spend one night at the resort and are returned in the morning to find there is one (1) palm frond in the pool.
Meanwhile, everyone on the Gulf Coast as this DRAMA unfolds:
Upon returning, Lil Jon tells them that they are going to have the rare daytime cocktail party and rose ceremony, because I suppose they only have this resort rented for so long.
When everyone returns to the Breakup Palapa, Lil Jon asks for a show of hands of the couples who have declared their love for each other, before reminding them that four men will be going home today. With that, Lil Jon wishes them luck and disappears in a cloud of strip club air deodorizer and cheap champagne.
The party gets off to a rocky start when Sooey, irritated that Pineapple Hair is putting in zero effort to get to know her better, makes her frustrations known. She sits him down and explains that she wants to be pursued, to be made to feel important and special, and he is not doing any of those things. Does he know how Paradise works? Does he understand that to stick around he needs to get a rose, and she has her choice of people to give her rose to?
Pineapple’s defense? “I’m a simple person.”
— devon litteral (@litteralydevon) September 22, 2021
Anyway, these two talk in circles and arrive nowhere, with this poofy-haired idiot sighing that HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS, and Sooey being like I JUST WANT THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM, and it’s all so stupid.
Sooey: you and your vagina both have reserved spots on the shuttle bus to Miss Therese’s Home for Credulous Idiots. We’ll be seeing you soon.
Elsewhere, Aggro decides to show his value to The Model by creating a pretend runway with twigs, and proceeding to do his best Zoolander.
He’s no Cat Man.
The moment Aggro and The Model are done talking, though, in swoops Bobby Fischer, who asks to talk to her. She agrees, and they happen to take a spot on one of the beach beds right next to Aggro and James-in-a-Box. Aggro is OUTRAGED, not least because The Model tells Bobby Fischer that though they are friends, she does think he’s cute, and the next thing you know, they’re making out.
aaron to james: be cool but look at Ivan with chelsea
— Rebecca H. (@beccamonet) September 23, 2021
And the next next thing you know, they are walking back to the bar hand-in-hand.
“The guy is a sneaky bitch bag,” Aggro says about Bobby Fischer, stringing those particular words together in that particular order for the first time in the history of the English language.
Aggro, being Aggro then proceeds to aggro and yells at Bobby Fischer to come down to the beach to talk. Bobby Fischer declines, so Aggro steps up to Bobby Fischer and tells him talking to The Model was a “bitch move.” Bobby Fischer asks him what he’s going to do about it, and that’s when we FINALLY end the episode.
Three hours of this nonsense tonight, my little beach crabs.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.