The Real Housewives of New York
“Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Bored”
July 13, 2021
When we last left these women in the tattoo parlor where they were planning on having dinner — yes, dinner — Eboni had upset the women by suggesting that anyone who voted for Former President America First had aligned themselves with white supremacy, sending Ramona spinning and screaming incoherently about how her mother was an immigrant.
So we pick up there, with Ramona running away to complain to Sonja that there are so many problems in the world, that if she thought about them all the time like Eboni wants her to do, she’d have a breakdown. The use of the past conditional — she would have a breakdown, as if we haven’t seen this lunatic have 1,000 breakdowns already — is … a choice.
Meanwhile, Leah encourages Eboni to keep “speak [her] truth” while Bershan is like, “yeah, but you have to remember who your audience is.” Eboni reminds Bershan that she had a job at FOX MOTHERFUCKIN’ NEWS, that she knows millions of Ramonas, and has no expectations that she’s going to change her. Eboni just wants to move forward from a place of authenticity and honesty and have her say, “Yes, I did vote for the Former Fascist-in-Chief.”
(But what Eboni doesn’t seem to appreciate is that Ramona is never going to do that because, unlike Eboni’s brand, Ramona’s brand is not predicated on a political position. In fact, she, like many Housewives, wants to avoid talking about politics altogther, lest they alienate half of their customer base for their grocery store Pinot or QVC sweatshirts or skincare line.)
Over with Ramona, she and The Countess are trying to get Sonja to talk about her matchmaker meeting again, and Sonja is, again, trying to make her original point, which is that she and Eboni had a great time together. “Great, but what about the matchmaker?” The Countess and Ramona press, while Sonja grows more frustrated that they are not listening to her and trying to shut down the conversation AGAIN. The Countess encourages them both to join the rest of the group before wandering away, and Sonja sneers to Ramona that The Countess is only interested in the matchmaker because she wants to know if she has someone to match her with.
As Eboni is reminding Leah of all of Former President Tiki Torch’s greatest white supremacy hits: “good people on both sides,” “Proud Boys: stand back and stand by …” The Countess joins them and Leah excuses herself so they can talk alone. There, The Countess makes the not wrong point that when they hear Eboni say that they are “aligned with white supremacists” they are inclined to shut down. Eboni assures The Countess that they had their moment in Sag Harbor, and now they’re cool, and with that, we head to dinner. Which, again, is in a tattoo parlor.
As they take their seats, Eboni announces that she has something to tell them, something that Leah already knows, and at that very moment, Leah begins hysterically, uncontrollably wailing.
The women, alarmed, ask what’s wrong with Leah, and Leah, through her tears, insists “IT’S NOT ABOUT MEEEEE!” which OK, SO THEN STOP MAKING IT ABOUT YOU.
Eboni calmly explains that her grandmother passed away that morning, and she didn’t want to tell them on the drive over and bring down everyone’s energy. Eboni tells them that her grandmother was the best person in their family, her favorite girl. Eboni begins crying, at which point the other women come comfort her, Ramona being the most effusive of all.
That bit of business taken care of, Leah and Eboni go get their tattoos: small delicate designs of their grandmothers’ names, all the while Ramona yells at them to WAIT TEN DAYS BEFORE THEY DO ANYTHING SO RASH. Meanwhile, Sonja is tipsily yammering about how she would NEVER desecrate her body that way, and she knows her daughter and Ramona’s daughter, they’d NEVER get a tattoo. Not that Sonja thinks it’s declasse or that she’s judging anyone else for doing it, of course.
Bershan is less than convinced.
The next morning, as Leah is having her hair and makeup done, Ramona calls her to find out what the day’s plans are, but she does that Ramona thing where she doesn’t allow the other person to talk, she just floods them with Ramona-ing.
Leah’s reaction is just a whole mood:
After hanging up with Ramona, Leah complains she has a splitting headache for obvious reasons. Sonja calls Leah, and Leah tells her that she just got off the phone with Ramona and it left her with a headache, at which point Ramona, somewhat hilariously, reveals she’s on the call too, BITCH.
Elsewhere, Eboni and Bershan touch base, where again, Bershan tells her that she is coming way too hard, full-on Malcolm X at these women, and Eboni is like, “But they need it, though.” Eboni claims that now that it has been said, she can kiki with these girls, but she’s not promising it won’t come up again.
It will definitely come up again.
Over in Ramona’s room, Sonja is trying to tell Ramona how Eboni lets things roll off of her and how she personally is trying to learn and listen. Ramona raises her hand to make a comment, and proceeds to interrupt this conversation YET AGAIN to tell Sonja that her eyebrows are not identical. Sonja insists that she likes them that way, that identical eyebrows are how drag queens do them, and that Ramona looks like The Countess now.
The women meet in the lobby for today’s activity: they are going to visit a “pioneer village,” you know, one of those historical recreations filled with people in bonnets churning butter that your dad insisted on going to instead of Six Flags. And because there is an indigenous element, The Countess has chosen to wear turquoise pants to honor her Eskimo teeth “heritage.”
Upon arriving at Pioneer Village, the women are greeted by said bonneted women and a man in pantaloons who invites them to also wear bonnets and itchy woolen cloaks. Ramona and The Countess literally run away from the offer, while Bershan and Eboni politely decline, with Eboni explaining that she’s not going to put on “the colonizer’s uniform,” God bless her.
— IAmAGoldenGod (@IAmAGoldenGod4) July 14, 2021
This leaves only Sonja and Leah willing to LARP with the nerds.
They look around a log cabin, they see a wigwam, The Countess of Eskimos insists on taking pictures with said wigwam; it is exactly as exciting as your 7th-grade class trip.
Sonja also gives her own history lesson to Bershan, yammering at her about her townhouse and her daughter and her ex-husband and how she doesn’t have a drinking problem, it’s the water pills. Off to the side, Eboni and Leah tsk to each other about how sad it is that Sonja can’t seem to let go of the past, while Ramona and The Countess don’t even seem to hear it anymore, because you know how you stop hearing certain sounds that you live with every day, like the hum of the air conditioner, or the ticking of a clock that has always been in your house? It’s like that.
They return to the hotel to get ready for dinner, and … dear reader, I regret to inform you there will be poop.
Sonja swings by Ramona’s room and tries to use her bathroom, only to step in a clump of shit that is, inexplicably not in the toilet, but somehow on the floor mere inches from the toilet.
And, I apologize gentle reader, BUT IF I HAVE TO SEE THIS, YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS.
When Sonja asks if she JUST STEPPED IN RAMONA SINGER’S ACTUAL SHIT, Ramona claims that it’s “makeup,” and hurries into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her so that we can’t see her cleaning up the turd she somehow, impossibly, left on the floor.
HOW? WHY? WHAT, EXACTLY, IS WRONG WITH RAMONA SINGER’S SPHINCTER THAT SHE LITERALLY SHITS THE FLOOR IN EVERY SEASON? I NEED A DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN THIS TO ME. IMMEDIATELY. LIKE, RIGHT NOW.
Anyway, Sonja is pretty sure this is the most hilarious thing she’s ever seen, and after showing us her poop-stained shoes, she announces she’s peed herself.
God bless Sonja Morgan, our one true queen.
The women head to dinner which is at a nearby Italian joint, and after greeting the owner, and The Countess chatters at him in Italian for a bit SO EBONI KNOWS EXACTLY WHO AMONG THEM IS “EDUCATED,” the woman consider their drink orders. Leah notes that the last time she had a drink, she threw up everywhere, Sonja announces that she likes clear alcohol but after two drinks she’s done …
… and Eboni adds that she hasn’t had a bloody mary since a bad experience back in law school. And I think it is this conversation that prompts Bershan to call the group “boring,” and declare that The Countess and Sonja in particular are acting like “grandmas.”
The Countess and Sonja handle this exactly as well as you think they would: Utterly OUTRAGED! that anyone would call them BORING! WHY, SONJA JUST TROMPED THROUGH RAMONA’S FECES AND THEN SHOWED OFF THE BOTTOMS OF HER SHOES AND YOU ARE GOING TO CALL HER BORING? SHE’S SINGLE-HANDEDLY SALVAGING THIS SEASON, MADAM.
The Countess encourages Bershan to leave if they are boring her so much, but she declines, reminding the ladies that Ramona invited her, and she doesn’t have to go anywhere.
Eboni points out that throwing “grandma” around as an epithet is particularly insulting as she and Leah both just lost their grandmothers, so way to rub salt into that particular wound. Bershan insists she’s not trying to be insensitive, she was trying to “change the mood.” She then adds that she is also going through some shit, and is “involved in a lot of lawsuits” including suing her divorce attorney for her eggs, which … I’m going to need more information on that, please and thank you.
Sonja, for some reason, is outraged by this and points out that she doesn’t sue anyone, she’s the one getting sued, which … good for her? And Bershan literally shushes Sonja. Sonja is further infuriated: how dare Bershan come in here, call them boring and then blabber on about her lawsuits and eggs? “Your boring eggs,” The Countess clarifies.
Sonja continues yelling … something at Bershan … it’s unclear what as Bershan is yelling back at Sonja that she’s a clown, and begins flailing around doing an impression of Sonja … twerking? It’s just a lot of yelling about absolutely nothing.
The Countess is all, “HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU CAN COME IN HERE AND TALK TO MY FRIEND THE WAY I DO?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” And Ramona, this traitor, replies, “she’s my friend.” And again, I ask you, why does Sonja hang out with any of these people?
By the way, the women haven’t even ordered dinner yet. The poor waitress wanders into this shitshow to take orders, which is when Ramona announces she’s going to “dance on a table,” and our waitress chooses to smile tightly under her mask rather than call the police, which she absolutely should have done.
As dinner arrives, Bershan tries to say something about how Leah said something really intelligent earlier in the day but before she can reveal what it was, Sonja begins yelling at Bershan for trying to talk to the other women at the table instead of her, I guess? Bershan, deciding that starting one fight with these women isn’t enough, tells Sonja she was just trying to give Leah “a prop” because the other women had been dissing her since she arrived.
This is news to Leah who demands to know who has been talking shit about her, and Bershan asks who Leah thinks it is. Leah notes that she’s not a mind-reader, so Bershan should just spit it out. Bershan does not spit it out, protesting that she doesn’t like to throw people under the bus, so Leah’s like “Super cool, I’m out,” and puts on her coat to leave. At this, Bershan begins suggesting it was Ramona, and reveals that Ramona told Bershan that she doesn’t connect with Leah, which, let’s all be honest here, is just the truth.
At this, however, the women have HAD ENOUGH, and everyone but Ramona and Bershan leaps up from the table, put on their coats, and announce that they are LEAVING. But not two seconds later Sonja returns to the table “for [her] girl Ramona,” who, it should be noted, has done fuckall to defend Sonja during this onslaught by Bershan.
The three of them don’t remain at the table long, either, and soon they are outside the restaurant where Ramona scolds Bershan for bringing up Leah, and Sonja calls Bershan “divisive,” though I would argue she actually seems to have brought most of the women together in alignment against her.
At some point, Sonja remembers that she left a glass of wine on the table. Sonja and returns inside and fetches the glass, tries to offer it to Ramona, and then in one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen on this show, proceeds to drink it herself — WITHOUT REMOVING HER MASK. It is honestly the one singular moment of joy Covid-19 has blessed me with.
These three women stumble back to the hotel screaming at one another about being phonies, while The Countess, Eboni, and Leah settle into the library bar back at the hotel. Bershan eventually arrives, apologizing for having too much to drink, which Leah calls bullshit on. You don’t get to blow up the entire night and then act like nothing happened. Bershan claims that Ramona set her up — which, actually, yeah, that checks out.
Meanwhile, in the elevator, Fric and Frac:
Once Sonja and Ramona arrive, Leah confronts Ramona about telling Bershan they weren’t connecting, which Leah found particularly hurtful. Leah notes that Ramona saw how much she was hurting over her grandmother, and more importantly understood better than Leah herself why she was in so much pain. Ramona hugs Leah and thanks her for talking to her so calmly; she was worried that Leah was going to start throwing food at her. (Fair.)
Bershan attempts to apologize to The Countess by claiming she doesn’t go by “codes” — and Eboni is like, “no, you have to have a sense of decency.” Sonja snaps at Bershan that she called her a clown, and Bershan’s reply is that “[she] could call [her] a ho, too.” Eboni is OUTRAGED by this, even though her girl Leah called ALL of them hos not two weeks earlier.
Sonja retorts that she’s a “comedian” but Bershan counters that if Sonja’s “twerking every night, you’re a ho.” Which, I mean, OK? But when has Sonja ever twerked? I agree, Sonja’s an unhinged emotional wreck with some substance abuse issues which need to be addressed through therapy — a LOT of therapy — but she’s not much of a twerker, at least not how I understand the word.
This argument somehow continues to devolve, to the point where I don’t know what is even happening? Sonja is threatening Bershan by yeling in her face “one more time” and wiggling around and Bershan is calling Sonja a bitch, and taunts Sonja for walking away. Sonja stomps back over to Bershan and the two just begin screaming in each other’s faces and waving their hands around and I have not seen this level of incoherence since some of Dorinda’s greatest hits.
At some point, Bershan again calls Sonja a “ho” and urges her to “use her brain” which infuriates Leah, who, AGAIN, it must be pointed out, called Sonja and all the rest of the women “hos” a fortnight ago.
Anyway, there’s a bunch more yelling and waving hands in faces and at one point Sonja urges Bershan to use her brain which is when Bershan has had enough, gets up from the couch and the screen turns black …
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.