‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Hepburning it all down

by Therese Odell, posted in real housewives of new york city: season 13

The Real Housewives of New York
“Putting the Tiff in Tiffany’s”
May 25, 2021

Last we left the ladies, Sonja was having a drunken meltdown over mortgage rates … you know, like you do. She’s screaming about J.P. Morgan being her “family” but as Ramona points out, her “family” isn’t paying her bills. At this bit of truth, Sonja thoroughly loses it, throwing food at Ramona while screaming that Ramona doesn’t have anyone to rely on — her friends are fake and she doesn’t have Mario anymore. SONJA HAS FAMILY, SONJA HAS FRIENDS, SONJA HAS A SOLID FINANCIAL FUTURE.

I mean, maybe?

The Countess, meanwhile, begins crying that SHE CAN’T BE AROUND THIS and heads out to the party bus to wait for these assholes to pull themselves together.

Meanwhile, Eboni:

God bless.

Ramona decides to be the bigger and far less drunk person and apologizes to Sonja to get her to leave the restaurant, telling her that she loves her, only to have Sonja hiss back at her that she HATES Ramona as she slowly stumbles her way back to the party bus.

And I’d recommend that the women vacation at a fancy rehab this season: just spend 28 days doing yoga and drinking juices and getting therapy — and they could still fight about nonsense, but in a place where they were actually getting some kind of help and not just adding fuel their deep-rooted issues. But who am I kidding … they do that, and we wouldn’t have a show anymore.

The next morning, The Countess is attempting to twirl a baton and I have questions. Why? Isn’t 55 a little old for twirling? Where’d the baton come from? Is it Ramona’s? Why does Ramona have a baton? Is she going to be in a parade? Is she trying out for America’s Got Talent? And, what? But also why?

Upstairs, Eboni receives a call from her mother who informs Eboni that she’ll be the one to make the decision as to whether or not to take her grandmother off of life-support. BEING AN ADULT IS NON-STOP FUNTIMES!

Leah is having a similar conversation with her sister Sarah about their dying grandmother, and how their mother wanted to make sure Sarah and their brother Daniel had time alone with her but didn’t seem to care whether or not Leah did. This puts Leah in a shit mood.

Meanwhile, in her bed, Ramona is telling Sonja the insane things Sonja was saying the night before and how mad she was about Ramona suggesting that Wells Fargo had better mortgage rates than Chase. Sonja doesn’t see the problem with this: by promoting Wells Fargo, Ramona was endangering Sonja’s daughter’s future.

Sonja’s daughter’s father is worth at least $100 million. Her daughter’s future is just fine.

Ramona points out that Sonja’s family has all moved to Tennessee (what? who? what?) and that she feels abandoned, and that maybe The Countess’ new boyfriend and happiness is making Sonja feel lonely, especially during this COVID crisis? And then Sonja goes out with all these feelings and has one drink too many and all that pain comes pouring out. And I hate to give it to Ramona, but she is making some good, insightful points. In fact, Ramona is making such good insightful points that even Sonja has to be like, “You’re making good insightful points.”

Downstairs, Ramona is fussing over the dining room table ahead of the evening’s “Audrey Hepburn”-themed dinner, which is where The Countess finds her. They begin talking about Sonja and the breakthrough Ramona had about Sonja’s deep loneliness, when Leah walks in. Ramona immediately sends Leah away, explaining that she and The Countess are “sharing something,” and Leah stomps out of the room in a huff. Leah runs into Sonja and yells at her that Ramona is A BITCH, and Sonja kinda shrugs and is like, “But whaddya gonna do?”

The Countess leaves the dining room, and Eboni enters where she is admiring Ramona’s table settings. And that is when  Leah shows back up again, and is like, “OH. INTERESTING. SO SHE IS ALLOWED IN THE DINING ROOM BUT I’M NOT?” Leah calls Ramona a bitch and announces that she will not be going to get oysters with the ladies because she will not be treated like a second-class citizen.

Eboni, literally:

While Leah is continuing to shriek about Ramona being a psychopath, Garth arrives to lead the women through some exercises. Leah is not exactly in the mood to be doing planks with Ramona, and Eboni has other plans, namely, not sweating with these white women, so the two of them have their hair and makeup done while Ramona, Sonja, and The Countess do some downward dogs with Garth. It’s in the makeup room where Leah announces she has an idea: she’s going to take a vow of silence for the rest of the day, and Eboni will serve as her translator.

Despite her declarations to not go to the oyster farm with the rest of the ladies, the newly silent Leah does, in fact, join them on the party bus because of course she does. While on the bus, The Countess begins harassing poor Garth via text to make his famous “lamb curry” for the other women, which sets off a new round of her gushing about her “Viking” boyfriend. This, in turn, triggers Sonja, who we all have agreed is lonely and scared, and she begins singing her signature song about how The Countess and Ramona stole all of her ex-boyfriends, namely Tom the Ex and Harry the Ex. The Countess flies off the handle, screaming at Sonja that SONJA WAS ONLY A ONE-NIGHT STAND WITH TOM, AND HE MARRIED THE COUNTESS SO SHE NEEDS TO GET IT THROUGH HER LITTLE BRAIN THAT IT’S NOT THE SAME AND SONJA ISN’T MARRIAGE MATERIAL. (I mean, technically, The Countess didn’t say that last part, but that’s what she meant.)

And Leah, though she’s desperate, can say nothing. But Eboni can, and she interjects and tells The Countess she’s about to tell her some truth: they all saw Sonja break down JUST LAST NIGHT, so maybe she should pull back on the “you have a small brain” and “you’re only good for a one-night stand” talk. Sonja needs affirmation right now, not to be torn down by her “friends.”

But The Countess is having a hard time being the bigger person (figuratively — certainly not literally) and is furious with Sonja for not being happy for her for having a boyfriend. First, she’s jealous of The Countess’s wildly successful cabaret career, and now she’s jealous of her boyfriend? IT’S PATHETIC.

I mean, something is pathetic …

Sonja insists she’s not jealous of The Countess — she’s jealous of Garth because The Countess is spending all of her time with him. The Countess shoots back that actually Sonja is the one who ghosted them for the past 10 months.

And again, why is it so fucking hard for these women to see that Sonja is going through some really painful and scary shit and JUST BE NICE TO HER?

After a tense moment or three, The Countess notes that you only hurt the ones you love and Sonja is saying that she doesn’t want to hurt The Countess and they are hugging and The Countess is promising that not only is she never going to get married ever again but that if she and Garth ever have a threesome, they’ll call Sonja first. Everything has passed over as quickly as it blew up, and Eboni has no idea what to make of any of it.

They arrive at the oyster farm, where, as they get out of the party bus, the driver extends a hand to Leah to help her out, and she breaks her vow of silence thanking him. So that was fun while it lasted.

The women are guided around the oyster farm before plopped down at a table and given a pile of oysters to shuck. The Countess pops them open like a natural while Ramona struggles with the process and complains about how ugly the oysters are in their natural state.

Leah, now able to speak, again expresses her concern about Heather joining them that evening. If Heather is out there talking shit about Sonja and The Countess, will Leah be next? The other women insist that Heather does have a good heart — she’s a wonderful mother, for instance! But Eboni is not interested in that. Just because someone is a good mother doesn’t make her a good person. “She’s a raving lunatic … but she’s a good mom!” And as both a mother and a raving lunatic, I agree with this sentiment.

That evening they return to the house and prepare for Ramona’s “Audrey Hepburn” dinner by (almost) all putting on the exact same dresses and putting their hair into the exact same updos.

And, I mean, I get it. Holly Golightly is an icon, and this look is iconic. But. Ladies. Audrey Hepburn had a long film career and other stylish movie looks to choose from. How about Roman Holiday? Or Wait Until Dark? Or another iconic look, the all-black turtleneck and cute cigarette pants from Funny Face? I agree, showing up in a My Fair Lady costume would be a bit much (although it would be hilarious), but the woman was a style legend, and it just can’t be that hard to find something other than a little black dress and pearls to evoke her.

ANYWAY. Heather arrives around the same time that everyone is getting dressed and is greeted at first by Sonja whom she asks for help with an updo later. And Sonja is like, “Yeah, nah.” Ramona eventually shows Heather to her room, the dreaded spider-filled “Lower Level.” Heather is gracious about it, but in an interview, she reveals she knows she’s being snubbed, obviously.

The rest of the women come down for dinner, and to her credit, Leah is the only Housewife who eschews the Breakfast at Tiffany’s costume and instead just wears a black and white printed number and calls it a day. Good for her.

Heather emerges from the basement in her Holly Golightly cosplay and introduces herself to Eboni while Leah keeps her distance. Heather asks Eboni about herself, where she’s from, where she grew up and Eboni is like, “Wait, you have manners? You’re the first one of these narcissists to ask me anything about myself!”

Meanwhile, Ramona is in the kitchen yelling at Eli the waiter for pouring shots for the ladies. “THREE OF THEM CAN’T DRINK!” Ramona huffs, before just downing the shots herself.

In the living room, The Countess, being shady, asks Leah about her podcast, and Leah explains that she did it for five years but hasn’t recorded it in a year and a half, because she became tired of hearing herself talk. Eboni adds that she just started a podcast a couple of days earlier, and this opens the door for Heather to bring up her own podcast which she just started three weeks ago.

Stick a pin in that, because it’s time to go sit down for dinner!

At the table, the ladies resolve fork issues as in YOU ARE A WOMAN IN YOUR MID-THIRTIES, LEAH, HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT THE FORKS ARE PLACED FROM THE OUTSIDE IN IN THE ORDER OF USE?

Once they’ve had a little dinner, Leah brings up the fact that she’s seen an article that says Heather has been talking shit about some of the Housewives on her podcast, specifically pointing out the part where she said that The Countess was doing hard drugs in St. Barts. Heather disputes the media account, pointing out that she just said stronger drugs came out, without saying who offered them. And in Heather’s defense — at least according to the article Leash was reading — the quote is ambiguous:

“What’s crazy was, she had brought me a joint and she said, ‘We brought you this!’ and I’m like dead asleep, I’m like, ‘Hey thanks! Appreciate it.’ And then…other things happened. Stronger drugs came out and I was like, ‘Woah!’ I remember saying to Luann like, I’m not into this. I’m asleep and there’s cameras right outside and I’m just like, you guys gotta get out of here!”

Heather reveals that her guest in that particular podcast episode was the Princess of Radziwill, and that’s enough for The Countess, who declares in a talking head that she “can’t stand that bitch,” and:

Oh!

The Countess tells Heather that she needs to keep her name out of her mouth, but Heather argues that the article slanted towards the negative and that she and Princess Carole had a lot of compliments for their fellow castmates, but those don’t get included in the stories because they don’t generate clicks.

And that’s when Leah, who is reading said article on her phone, chirps that there’s more: Heather is quoted as saying, “… we did have a genuine friendship, but I learned nothing with Luann is genuine.” And Heather is like, “well, yes, I did say that.” She goes on to say that she takes no issue with what Leah just read, and that if it hurt The Countess, she’s sorry. The Countess argues that she just doesn’t want to be talked about, and Heather is like, “I totally get it.”

Heather adds that they always had fun together, and that she’s so happy to see that The Countess has survived all that she’s been through, and she hopes they can talk about it at length later and become good friends again.

Meanwhile, in an interview, Heather points out the irony that none of the women had actually LISTENED to the podcast in question, but instead were becoming outraged about articles written about it. Which, I mean, I have to agree: if you’re going to come for someone, at least do your homework, first.

And with that, feelings are smoothed over and the women start talking about the naked man they are going to paint at The Countess’ house the next day. Leah begins wondering if he’ll be a “shower or a grower” before laughing that there’s nothing worse than when a guy’s balls are bigger than his limp dick. This sends Ramona running from the room, because some things never change, while in the other room, Leah is once again yelling about how she wants to find a man who will eat ass.

My deepest apologies to Eli who truly didn’t deserve any of this.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.

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