The Real Housewives of New York
“Hitting All the Right Cenotes”
August 13, 2020
The morning following Señora Sonja’s birthday finds the women recovering in their beds, so hungover that they are unable to rouse themselves even to harass the two ridiculously himbo trainers that Dorinda has hired to dancercize them awake — with the exception of The Countess who is always game when hired hunks are involved.
It is exactly as ridiculous as it sounds.
And, sadly, I am posting this one week too late. Had I been more on the ball, this would have been the perfect moment to inform you that Dorinda would be hosting an online aerobics class to raise money for the Ronald McDonald House. But that happened last Friday, so, oh well.
The other women do eventually climb out of bed and begin making their way to breakfast. Leah is the first at the table where, over her huevos rancheros and cafe con leche, she gets a little work done and attends to emails, because, as she points out, when you own your own business, there is no “vacation.” Sonja soon joins her and tends to an invitation list for some event for her Sonja by Sonja Morgan line. And it’s fine! Things gotta get done! It’s just email!
Ramona, The Countess and Dorinda soon join them and Dorinda immediately starts giving Sonja shit for being on her iPad working. After mocking Sonja for “having to do her invites,” as if it’s not a real thing that really needs to get done, Dordinda stomps away from the table. The Countess tells Leah that it is rude to be working at the table and that she and Sonja need to put their work away for half an hour and have breakfast with them.
Dorinda returns to the table insisting that she’s not mad, she just wants people to be present, so Sonja — politely — explains that she had a lovely time the night before, but if she’s being honest, she was was worrying the entire time about this invite list. With that, she excuses herself from the table, while explaining in an interview that Dorinda is welcome to vent on her all she wants — it’s Dorinda’s vacation, too — but this list ain’t going to make itself.
The Countess and Dorinda begin to LOUDLY COMPLAIN about people being on their phones at the table and how that is NOT how their parents raised them (never mind that they were both born four decades before smartphones were invented) and Leah is like, “Geez, I already put my computer away and anyway, Y’ALL JOINED ME.”
While Dorinda and The Countess rant about manners and how they taught their daughters better than this, Ramona whispers to Leah that there’s no point in arguing with Dorinda, she’s just better off telling Dorinda that she’s right and let it go. And if there’s one thing to take away from this entire season, it is exactly that: there is no point in arguing with Dorinda, just tell her she’s right and let it go.
In their room, Ramona and Sonja discuss Dorinda’s anger issues and whether or not this is menopause-related. Sonja warns Ramona off of asking Dorinda if she thinks she’s hormonal because RUDE, and then posits a theory about the Salem witch trials: bitches got burned because they were menopausal. I mean, it’s an oversimplification that is meant as a joke, but it’s also not entirely wrong.
Outside, The Countess and Leah go for a walk on the beach where they introduce themselves to two middle-aged Canadian men who are staying at the resort with lots of couples down the way — but, they are both single and, somehow, not gay. The women invite them back to their villa for drinks and to be torn to shreds by a bunch of horny old witches. One of the men shows off a tattoo he has in honor of his daughter, and despite tattoos being considered tacky and declasse not four months ago, suddenly Ramona and The Countess are very interested, and the men have earned an invitation to join them for drinks that evening.
Later, the women get ready for dinner, all but Dorinda who has either had a drink with ice in it, or ate some poorly washed fruit, or maybe just enjoyed a tall glass of tap water, but the bottom line — pun ENTIRELY intended — is that she has developed a case of Montezuma’s Revenge, and she will be recuperating alone in the master suite that evening.
This does not stop all of the women from barging in on her and Sonja loudly reminding Ramona about the time in Colombia that Ramona shat on the floor … as if any of us could forget that precious memory …
The Countess then comes stomping in, complaining about the smell in the room — NOBODY ASKED YOU TO COME IN — and spraying her Chanel body spray into the air to mask it.
With that, the women leave for dinner at some schmancy place called Porfirio’s which The Countess makes clear is more her style than the actually fun place they had gone the night before for Sonja’s birthday. All I’m saying is it is unlikely anyone is going to be delivering four margaritas on their head at Porfirio’s.
The women are joined by the Canadians, and the women now a few margaritas deep, begin going on about love rivalries and playing spin the bottle. Soon Leah is on one of the Canadian’s laps with her tongue down his throat, while the women dance between the tables.
The next morning, Dorinda has been treated with some magical Mayan anti-poop elixirs and Ramona regales her with gossip about Leah making out with the Canadian, while also criticizing Leah’s lack of “decorum.” Leah joins them and informs them that Canada was cute but that she kicked him out of the villa before anything more happened. Also, she’s still drunk.
Dorinda informs the group that they’re going to a cenote in an hour, so wear a one-piece and get ready for adventure. As the other women file out, Leah confesses to Ramona that she peed the bed the night before, and Ramona — scandalized by Leah’s dancing at a party and Leah’s tattoos — simply shrugs and says, “it happens.”
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS WOMAN’S STANDARDS.
It’s cenote time, and the women file into the bus, green juices in hand. On the ride, The Countess begins showing Dorinda a picture of some guy she’s hooked up with, claiming he won American Idol. Ramona sees the picture and is like, “Oh yeah, I went out with him, too,” and apparently … SO DID TINSLEY?
So who is this American Slut? One Constantine Maroulis.
NOTHANKYOUPLEASE.
The women arrive at the cenote location where they are greeted by a Mayan shaman who performs a traditional blessing, freaking out the more Catholic members of the cast. They then climb up to the platform from which they will be lowered into the cenote via ropes and harnesses — except for Ramona and Sonja who walk into the cenote from a ground-level ramp. GOOD FOR THEM. BREAK THE SYSTEM.
And then they swim around for a while, Leah claiming the cenote has healing powers because her hangover is finally letting up.
After, they sit down for lunch, where Leah explains that the shaman reminded her of the bruja she has back in New York who explained that her ex-boyfriend had left “bad energy” in Leah’s vagina, and the only way to clear it out was to put a crystal egg up in there.
And by “bruja,” Leah means “Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop.”
At about this same moment, Dorinda receives a phone call from Hannah, which she takes AT THE TABLE AND ON SPEAKERPHONE. Dorinda is surprised when the other women are upset with her and her hypocrisy — what, they expect her to not take a phone call from her daughter? IT’S HER DAUGHTER! It’s not like she was doing an INVITATION LIST that should have been done A WEEK AGO.
Ramona asks Dornida where this anger is coming from, and instead of answering Ramona, Dorinda begins sarcastically telling The Countess that she’s SO HAPPY Hannah called her, isn’t it exciting that Hannah called her to tell her some great job news? But The Countess is like, “I mean, yeah, but the problem here is you blow up at us. And it’s not just this one instance, you’re screaming at all of us all of the time.”
Dorinda gets up from the table and continues with her sarcastic rant, explaining that she appreciates the advice, but now she’s going to go call her daughter and congratulate her on her professional success.
At this, Ramona begins scream-crying at Dorinda that THEY JUST WANT TO HELP HER WHY IS SHE DOING THIS? As Dorinda wanders off to call Hannah back, Ramona turns on the fake tears which Dorinda finds unconvincing and hilarious. When she returns to the table, Dorinda suggests they head back to the villa, asking Ramona with faux-sincerity if she’s alright — she understands that Dorinda taking a call from her daughter can be awfully traumatizing for Ramona.
As they leave, Ramona swings around on Leah and is furious: WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE OUR SIDE AGAINST HER? THIS IS A SERIOUS ISSUE, AND LEAH DOESN’T GET IT.
But as Leah points out: Ramona has been consistently awful to her, and Dorinda has been nothing but kind. Why would Leah take Ramona’s side over Dorinda for any reason?
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.