“The Women Tell All”
March 1, 2021
I know I complain about the “dreaded hometowns” and I get very grossed out by the “fantasy suite” episodes because ~full body shiver~, but if I’m honest, the worst episode of any season of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette has to be the time-filling “Women (or Men) Tell All” special which just serves to reunite a bunch of people you had already forgotten about so that they can scream at each other over fights you had already forgotten about and make puppy dog eyes at the Bachelor/Bachelorette who has to apologize for dumping them even though He/She had already forgotten who they are. It’s boring and it’s a solid 1/8 of bloopers and I know it’s not the case but I can’t help but feel like ABC includes it so as to drag out each season of The Bachelor long enough to ruin my spring break every Goddamned year.
BUT HERE WE ARE AND WE JUST HAVE TO GET THROUGH IT, I GUESS
Joining us tonight are: Dildo Queen; College Girl; Not-Doormat; Pickup Truck; DinoGirl; First Impression Rose; Rumors; Queen’s Gambit; TEETH; Pizza Delivery; Pageant Reina; Mrs. James; The Model; Queen Asshole; and Sexy Fish.
Oh, and Never Been Kissed was also there — at least for a few minutes — not that you would know it as the show completely erased her.
— Young Koz (@young_koz) March 2, 2021
— Lex (@TheLexTalk) March 2, 2021
— queso (@kelsey_pontius) March 2, 2021
Chris Harrison warms the women up by asking them what it was like to meet Matt James on the first night: Pickup Truck describes it as being “exhilarating” and The Model somehow makes it all about how fabulous she looked.
To be fair, she looked pretty fabulous:
After a montage of Who Cares, Chris Harrison opens up the first fight: Not-Doormat vs. Pizza Delivery. Not-Doormat, who last I checked was furiously bullying Never Been Kissed, insists that she still believes that Pizza Delivery contributed to the toxicity in the house and was a mean girl. Also, her biggest issue with Pizza was that she didn’t own up to Matt James about her role in the bullying in the house. But Pizza Delivery insists that she DID tell Matt James that she was a monster (highly doubtful) and absolutely nothing is resolved.
Chris Harrison then moves on to the next fight: New Women vs. Old Women. Chris Harrison describes the situation in which five new women were introduced to the house three weeks into the experience as if it just organically happened, as if they just materialized out of thin air, and the producers didn’t carefully orchestrate it to create mess. BUT ALRIGHT, CHRIS HARRISON, GO ON WITH YOUR PASSIVE VOICE-USING SELF.
Chris Harrison begins with DinoGirl, the woman Queen Asshole called a “ho” for being a professional dancer, and she’s like, “YEAH, CHRIS HARRISON, COMING INTO THE HOUSE LATE AND BEING CALLED A WHORE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION KINDA SUCKED. GO FIGURE.”
Queen Asshole rolls her eyes the entire time DinoGirl is talking and eventually asks her if she’s a “super sensitive person.” Queen Asshole is just asking a question, Chris Harrison! Like, people attacked Queen Asshole for her weird droopy eye and her inability to wear a proper bra and she got DEATH THREATS, Chris Harrison, but you don’t see her making a huge deal about it on national television.
College Girl (who had her own bullying moments, let’s not play around here) reminds Queen Asshole that she called DinoGirl horrible names and it’s not cool to attack her again under the guise of being “sensitive.” But Queen Asshole counters that she’s not calling DinoGirl a “sensitive person,” she’s only asking her if she is one.
We then turn to the next fight: Dildo Queen vs. Queen Asshole.
After a montage of Don’t Care, Dildo Queen tells Queen Asshole that while watching the season back she was struck by how horrid Queen Asshole was to the other women. Just speaking for herself, being called “disgusting” by Queen Asshole repeatedly was incredibly painful.
Queen Asshole begins with a clearly scripted apology, saying that calling names is never acceptable and adding that the whole thing has been a valuable learning experience (even though she just attacked one of her targets for being a “super sensitive person” so I’m not entirely convinced that anything has been actually learned).
Dildo Queen is like, “Cool, I accept your apology. We all went through something hard, and now some of you are experiencing a backlash, which is also known as ‘karma.'”
The Model takes exception to this and the idea that Dildo Queen is lumping everyone together (which she wasn’t doing, and only a guilty conscience would suggest otherwise) and Dildo Queen is like, “listen, death threats and body shaming are clearly unacceptable no matter what someone said or did while in the house,” BUT! but, let’s not forget that The Model said that “bullying” was a strong word and the house wasn’t toxic when it was clearly toxic. Clearly! Obviously!
But then The Model, this jackass, she accuses Dildo Queen of being the person who made the house toxic by telling Matt James that there were women in the house saying on national television that one of the other women was a sex worker.
Yep! That’s definitely Dildo Queen’s fault and not the fault of the insecure pieces of shit who decided to ruin an innocent woman’s reputation on national television!
chelsea saying the #Bachelor wasn’t toxic until katie exposed it has the same energy as trump saying covid wasn’t serious until testing increased
— emma🧚♂️ (@emmamilller_) March 2, 2021
But the other women, they are all on the same page with The Model, convinced that the drama in the house was caused not by them being bullying monsters but by Dildo Queen because she called them out on their jerky behavior. The Women point to Exhibit A: Dildo Queen had been kinda rude about Veronica Corningstone’s behavior, but then it was like a “flip was switched” and suddenly she was nice to her? EXPLAIN THAT, DILDO QUEEN.
Dildo Queen is like, “well, yes, I was irritated by the way Veronica Corningstone kept interrupting other people’s dates, but then I heard her story and the explanation behind her behavior and it changed my perception of her and her situation. You know, like an adult who reevaluates previously held beliefs based on new information and reacts accordingly?”
But, no. Still not good enough for the likes of Mrs. James who accuses Dildo Queen of telling Matt James that the house was toxic as a play to further her relationship with him.
Me trying to figure out how that works:
And even Pickup Truck dumps on Dildo Queen, claiming it’s not good enough for her to advocate for those who were being bullied, she needed to make space for those people, and uplift their voices. Except that is exactly what she did by confronting the women who were being bullies before informing Matt James there was a problem in the house that he needed to address and then allowing both the bullied and the bullies to tell their stories to him? Or am I missing something?
Sexy Fish whose dress is making me VERY NERVOUS (I hope it is attached with Gorilla Glue) …
… also jumps in to accuse Dildo Queen of trying to “start a fire.” WHEN? HOW? WHY AM I BEING GASLIT BY THE ENTIRE CAST OF THIS SEASON?
The bottom line here is clearly that these women are pissed off that Dildo Queen called them out on their terrible behavior both to Matt James and the viewing audience, and are SUPER PISSED there is any conversation about making her the next Bachelorette, so they are doing their damnedest to torpedo her chances.
Chris Harrison brings poor Rumors up to the proverbial “hot seat” to discuss the fact that TEETH labeled her a sex worker on national television. After the montage, Rumors notes that it was so disappointing to come into the house feeling strong and confident, only to be torn down within 24 hours. Returning home was mortifying: she didn’t want to be around friends and family for the first few weeks, and Googling her name has become an all-out nightmare. As for Ms. TEETH over there, it’s been weeks since the episode aired and she has not reached out to Rumors. Not once.
TEETH this entire time. (I mean, more so than usual):
Chris Harrison asks TEETH for her side of the story, and she’s like, “Yeah, I don’t know, I can’t justify any of it. I’m sorry? It truly sucks that I did that to someone?”
Rumors isn’t buying it, however, and notes that TEETH has had plenty of time to reach out to her. But even worse, after she returned home, Rumors continued to hear that TEETH was spreading the same stories about her. TEETH doesn’t deny anything but tries to explain that what she did came from a place of insecurity and anger, that she 100% is sincerely sorry, and she wants to help repair any damage she’s done.
And because there’s no other place else for this conversation to go, Rumors ends the conversation by making a point to say that she’s not disparaging sex workers and that no one should be judged based on their occupation. It’s all very enlightened and fourth-wave feminist of her.
So, remember how I have complained this season about the show just skipping ahead to the cocktail party portions of the group dates? Chris Harrison shows us a montage of what we missed out on: not much. There are Fear Factor-esque challenges involving boxes filled with bugs that the women have to blindly shove their hands into; the women are forced to drink raw eggs and eat piles of pancakes; and there is some drawn-out game of hide-and-seek that is not worth discussing. The end.
Chris Harrison brings Dildo Queen up to the couches where they discuss her prized dildo and her surprise elimination. Dildo Queen admits being sent home was a bit of a shock but puts her surprised back on herself: she wasn’t paying attention to Matt James’ other relationships, and watching the season back it was obvious that he was connecting with No Accent and Veronica from Riverdale in a completely different way.
Queen Dildo talks about how she knows she’s a lot, but Matt James was nothing but accepting of her. She arrived at the house her true self, she’s really embraced who she is, and she believes her person is out there somewhere
so please just announce her as the next Bachelorette already, Chris Harrison, why are we wasting our time here?.
Every single other woman:
Chris Harrison brings First Impression Rose up to the couches and was like: “You got the First Impression Rose — what happened?” And First Impression Rose is like, “I GUESS THAT’S THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION, CHRIS HARRISON.”
Chris Harrison mentions the conversation she had with Matt James about the possibility of having deaf children, and she explains that it was only the fair thing to bring up since hometowns were around the corner. FAIR.
First Impression Rose goes on to explain the nuanced place that she holds within the deaf community: she’s deaf, but she uses a cochlear implant and does not use sign language — so she was worried how the deaf community would feel about her representing them. It turns out, they loved her. Chris Harrison shares some sweet messages from the viewers, it’s very moving, and First Impression Rose goes on to talk about what an incredible group of women she met on the show and how she’s excited to share a life with whoever is out there who wants to share it with her
so please just announce her as the first differently-abled Bachelorette already, Chris Harrison, why are we wasting our time here?.
— jaymie (@jaygilady) March 2, 2021
Also brought up to the couch is Mrs. James for some reason. Chris Harrison claims that Bachelor Nation was “stunned” when she was sent home …
Chris Harrison: Bachelor Nation was stunned by Pieper’s exit
— BachelorTeaAF (@AfBachelor) March 2, 2021
Anyway, Mrs. James was shocked that Matt James sent her home! Mrs. James was in love with him! It hurt to be dumped, but Mrs. James doesn’t regret coming on the show! She has nothing unique to add to this conversation! Why is she on this couch!
The last woman to be singled out is Queen’s Gambit, and after her montage, she appears genuinely emotional about dumping the Bachelor on his own show. That said, while she cares about Matt James, she knows ultimately she did the right thing.
Finally, they bring James Harden out to talk to the women.
Matt James discusses being nervous on that first night and how he got energy from their wack-a-doodle entrances. He also says he understands why some of the women lost their DAMN MINDS, as trying to date someone who is also dating 29 other people is not a normal or healthy situation.
As for eliminating some women for being complete assholes, he apologizes to Pizza Delivery in particular for not having enough time with her, which, no? Why? Don’t apologize to them! Sexy Fish is like, “PLEASE DON’T THINK WE’RE MONSTERS …” (which sounds to me like someone realizes she acted like a fucking monster, no matter how much she wants to blame Dildo Queen for being the real monster)
— raz (@arehzed) March 2, 2021
… and he takes a long walk with his answer, talking about how he’s not perfect and everyone has lapses of judgment from time to time and that he knows they’re all good people deep down, even Queen Asshole. (OK, no? She’s actually not?)
Queen Asshole begins to fake cry about how she admits she was “involved in drama” and how it was a “learning experience.” But then this jackass immediately undermines any sort of insight and maturity she claims to have experienced by claiming that Matt James hurt her feelings. According to Queen Asshole, she‘s the victim because after Matt James sent her home for being a complete bitch to pretty much every single other woman in the house, he said that she needed to “self-reflect.” GIRL, THAT IS NOT AN ATTACK, THAT IS JUST THE TRUTH.
Matt James claims he has nothing but nice things to say about Queen Asshole and he’s sorry she felt that way. He admits he “dropped the ball” with her — whatever that means — and that there was more that he could have done for her.
NO, MATT JAMES. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. STOP ENCOURAGING HER SELF-DELUSION.
As for Dildo Queen, she just wants to thank him for being so welcoming and accepting of her. In return, Matt James calls her “courageous.” Suck it, haters.
And then Chris Harrison thinks it’s funny to subject us to a “Matt James Kissing With His Eyes Wide Open Like a Fucking Weirdo” montage. It’s not funny, Chris Harrison. We all have PTSD, Chris Harrison.
— Cassandra Direnzo (@c3p0direnzo) March 2, 2021
Chris Harrison also gives First Impression Rose and Mrs. James opportunities to say what they need to him. They have nothing they need to say to him.
As for Queen’s Gambit, Matt James admits that it was rough when she dumped him on his own show, but he’s happy that she came to that conclusion if it means she is closer to find someone that she is more compatible with.
And finally, there are bloopers, one of which involves Matt James, a hot tub, and his sudden need for a producer to hand him a robe and that’s all I’m going to say about that because now I have to go bleach my brain.
Speaking of brain bleach: next week is the Fantasy Suites. See you then.
Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Matt and whose nicknames could change as the show goes on, I dunno:
The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.