‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Salty Denise is salty

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Let the Mouse Go”
May 13, 2020

OK, last we left these idiots, they were screaming at each other at Denise’s backyard pizza party about glam squads and threesomes, which, incidentally, was the original title of this series.

Returning to the Kyle pile-on: Dorit demands to know from a weepy Kyle why she’s so upset with her, and Kyle repeats that she thinks it’s ‘weird” that Dorit would go full-glam squad and photoshoot for a workout that she didn’t even attend. But Denise reminds her where she lives, and points out that glam squads and Instagram photoshoots for something you’re not actually attending is called Tuesday in Los Angeles.

Sutton — who I had forgotten was even there — pipes up that she knows what the real injury is: at Teddi’s event, Dorit hissed at Kyle that she “has a life,” which implies that Kyle and the rest of them are somehow less lifey (and by extension important) than she is.

Kyle’s like, “I mean, I admit that was part of the problem. After all, I am filming a movie and starting a clothing line and I have four kids.” But then Kyle goes and blows her upper hand by blurting out that they need to be honest, “this is a fucking comedy show,” and everyone is so busy kissing each other’s asses … AND SHE CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Well. A woman who has starred in a reality television show set in Beverly Hills for ten years suggesting that her fellow castmates are fake is … truly something else. But that will have to wait because Rinna’s back on her bullshit, angry at Kyle for not “defending” her when it came to her issues with Kim.

The producers:

Cut to: old footage of a reunion in which Kyle defended Rinna against Kim.

But Kyle isn’t being rescued by them at the moment, and she leaves the table in a teary huff with Mauricio, Teddi, and Teddi’s husband, whatever his name is, trailing behind. As Kyle rants at Teddi in a catering trailer about Denise being a fake “ragamuffin,” Sutton tsks that Kyle and Teddi are so rude to have just left the table without thanking Denise for her hospitality. Because Southern bitches are passive-aggressive bitches through and through (and I can say that as a passive-aggressive Southern bitch myself). Even if the host makes you cry, you had better thank them for having you over and be sure to say goodbye properly.

Kyle leaves, but Teddi returns to the table, where she points out the obvious: Kyle was emotional and felt like she was being ganged up on, and maybe instead of piling on her, they should have given her some space to collect herself. Rinna becomes particularly agitated by Teddi’s scolding and insists that she was just “trying to help” Kyle … by insinuating that Kyle is a bad friend because she wouldn’t abandon her troubled sister for one of her reality show castmates. Very helpful, Dr. Rinna!

Finally, Denise makes a big show of checking on her youngest daughter, Eloise, to say that the grown-ups are acting inappropriately, and then everyone goes home.

Next, Rinna stops by a photoshoot for DNA, the clothing line her daughters have created (and by “created,” we mean slapped their name on, presumably with a healthy infusion of their parents’ cash).

Rinna goes on and on about how when one grows up in the “shadow” of a celebrity parent, they have to find ways to individuate themselves, which is REALLY FUCKING RICH, since Rinna has done everything she can to use the show to turn both of her daughters into the next Gigi and Bella Hadid. When that didn’t work, she bought them a clothing line and is now using the show to hawk it, going so far as put on one of the age-inappropriate outfits and hijack this photoshoot as a means to guarantee that the footage would be used in an episode.

Hustlers gonna hustle. And good for her, you know? Why not milk every damn dime you can out of this giant dime udder that landed in her lap? (I really lost control of that metaphor, my apologies.)

But where I become irritated is at this notion that this project is how the Hamlin girls are differentiating themselves from their parents, as if their parents didn’t give it to them on a golden platter.

Anyway, the clothing line is having a launch party that will serve as this episode’s group event later.

Elsewhere, Denise and Erika meet for coffee, and Erika makes it very clear that one should never insult Cuban coffee by putting some almond or soy or cashew or acorn milk shit in it. 1. Erika is not wrong, and 2. Erika is from Georgia, which is where my husband was yesterday a few weeks ago when he took this photograph:

Cr: Chris Odell


So Denise cuts to the chase: everyone was incredibly inappropriate at her dinner party with their conversations about threesomes and such and HER CHILDREN HEARD EVERYTHING AND SHE HAD VERY DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS WITH THEM ABOUT IT.

A reminder: Charlie Sheen, father of Denise’s teen daughters, was famously in a polygamous relationship with two porn stars. I’ll let Charlie speak for himself: “You’ve read about the goddesses, come on. They’re an international sensation. These are my girlfriends. These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart. … It’s a polygamy story. All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It’s like an organic union of the hearts.”

And maybe this is why Denise is so sensitive about this issue: she doesn’t want Charlie Sheen’s notorious behavior to reflect on her or her daughters. And that’s understandable! But at the same time, if you’re that worried about it, maybe you shouldn’t go on a reality show and bring your daughters on it with you? It’s possible to keep your kids off these shows: ask Bethenny Frankel and Sonja “Not Exactly Known for Being Discrete” Morgan for some tips.

Erika apologizes for her “nastiest” mouth … but it’s not 100% sincere.

As always: Team Erika.

Erika then invites Denise to the DNA launch party pre-party at her “clubhouse,” leading to a conversation about Kyle, and how she said “fuck off” IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN.

Erika reveals that she spoke to Kyle and that she feels like everyone ganged up on her, and that she’s under tremendous pressure to be this businesswoman and the best mother and the best wife, etc. etc. etc.

But Denise is unimpressed: she has kids, including one with special needs, she has bills to pay, and OH YEAH, CHARLIE SHEEN IS HER EX-FUCKING-HUSBAND. Having “a lot going on” is no excuse to be an asshole. Denise then adds that she sent a text to everyone thanking them for coming to her dinner, and Kyle was the only one to not respond: so she guesses she must be one of these “fake-ass bitches” Kyle is going on about. Because someone is feeling salty about Kyle, apparently.

Elsewhere, Garcelle and her ex-husband co-host a birthday party for the twins. There are donuts.

Then it’s time to get ready for the DNA launch party, and actual Real Housewives of Beverly Hills superstar, Rinna’s 91 ½-year-old mom Lois came in town for it! Lois still drives, but she shouldn’t’! Lois complains that she’s lost all her eyelashes!

Erika sets up a sushi feast at the clubhouse for the pre-gaming, and soon everyone is arriving, including Dorit and her ridiculous 8-foot-long ponytail.


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A post shared by Dorit Kemsley (@doritkemsley)

All I’m saying is that maybe she wouldn’t be ALLEGEDLY in financial trouble if she trimmed her fake hair budget. PUN ABSOLUTELY INTENDED.

Everyone else (but Garcelle who is birthday partying and eating donuts with her ex) also arrives: Kyle and Rinna and Lois and Sutton and Denise and Teddi who is pregnant and can not partake in literally any of Erika’s refreshments.

Dorit notes that she told Jagger that Teddi is pregnant, and they begin discussing how kids don’t usually start asking uncomfortable questions about how babies are made until they are about seven or so. Denise chirps that she just told her girls that “it’s a miracle,” which again draws Erika’s irritation: just tell your kids the truth, June Cleaver. The penis goes into the vagina. It’s not that big a deal.

Rinna takes Kyle aside and apologizes for using “the wrong example” the other night, and dragging her sister into it. Kyle reminds her that she does defend her friends, pointing out that she lost her friendship with Vanderpump in the effort to defend Dorit and the fact that everyone seems to have completely forgotten this fact is VERY FRUSTRATING. Rinna agrees and apologizes again, and Kyle accepts it though she knows this is just Rinna trying to preempt a wine-throwing meltdown at Delilah and Amelia’s launch party.

Meanwhile, in a different corner of the clubhouse, Dorit is explaining to Erika that she’s doing … something? … with Buca di Beppo? … the not-great Italian strip mall chain restaurant? … At first, I thought she and Her Insufferable Husband had bought a franchise because she keeps talking about her “venture” with the restaurant. But I think what is actually happening here is that the man who owns the chain is one of Her Insufferable Husband’s friends, and he’s invited her to redecorate one room in one Encino restaurant? And maybe she’s picking out a Dorit menu or some such shit? Does she get a percentage of each chicken Milanese Buca di Beppo sells?


Anyway, plans are made for the ladies to go to a “big family dinner” at Buca di Beppo which is just, frankly, hilarious.

Plans are also made to rent a Santa Barbara beach house to celebrate Kyle’s film wrapping production. Denise is unimpressed: she shoots 10 episodes of The Bold and the Beautiful and to celebrate, she comes home and cooks dinner for her kids. Again: salty.

On their way out of the clubhouse, Rinna mentions that her daughters did a “collaboration” with someone they all know, but she’s going to leave it a surprise until the launch party. Sutton begins to have a complete panic attack and loudly talk about how “scared” she is, and how she has a bad feeling about this, and how she is FREAKING OUT. And she does not shut up about it, even as they arrive at the event, telling Dorit that she’s worried it’s “the makeup guy” and that she’s going to “flip out.” Dorit hisses at her to calm down — now is not the time for a freakout.

At the party, Rinna’s daughters are busy taking pictures and even Teddi, who was skeptical about Ameilia leaving New York City, has to admit the girls are doing well for themselves. Of course, they’re “succeeding” so much as Mommy and Daddy invested in a clothing line for them certainly on the promise of free publicity on this dumb show, but lest you think the girls aren’t working VERY HARD, Deliliah proudly tells her mother that she got the flower centerpieces “all by [her]self.”

As for the “collaboration,” that Rinna teased, it is a wine label on The Fat Jewish’s White Girl Rosé that reads, “I LOOK HOT AF IN MY DNA.” That’s it. That’s the big reveal. No “make-up guys” involved whatsoever.

Sutton is instantly relieved and reveals that she and Rinna have a mutual acquaintance, a makeup artist with whom Sutton had gone into business on some glam app or somesuch. It didn’t work out, she lost “millions,” and she and Make-Up Guy parted ways on a sour note.

Elsewhere, Kyle apologizes to Denise for leaving her dinner party abruptly, but Denise thinks it’s a half-assed effort and sneers that Kyle doesn’t really care about anything but getting her own point across. So I’m pretty sure Denise has soured on Kyle.

The ladies then head to dinner, where Dorit confronts Sutton about saying that she was going to “freak the fuck out” at the launch party. Dorit sighs that this made her very uncomfortable because she doesn’t know Sutton well enough to know what she meant by it. Sutton clarifies that she just meant she might cry and want to go home, which based on her response to going to Teddi’s retreat, can confirm.

Sutton explains to Rinna that she was worried that Make-Up Guy was going to be at the party since he’s mutual friends with her, and she was just nervous about seeing him again. But Dorit won’t let it go, and keeps talking about how Sutton was hysterical and talking bout how she was going to “freak the fuck out.” Rinna decides that this is WHOLLY inappropriate and becomes VERY ANGRY that Sutton … didn’t ruin her daughters’ event? “YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN KICKED OUT SO FAST if you had acted out at the event which you did not BUT I AM GOING TO BE MAD THINKING ABOUT A COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION THAT DID NOT, IN FACT, COME TO PASS.”

Dorit keeps insisting that Sutton frightened her with her threats, pushing Sutton to tears until she blows up at Dorit, tells her she’s not being nice and insists that she “let the mouse go,” meaning Dorit has had her fun toying with Sutton and abusing her, but it’s time to FUCKING DROP IT.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the table, Denise decides to confront the ladies for their behavior at her dinner party IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN. And Kyle, especially, for calling them all “fake-ass bitches.” Kyle’s like, “I mean, OK, let’s talk about it. Last season, you were all Miss Down to Earth, and now you show up all glammed up and hosting parties with fancy ice sculptures.”

Denise is offended that she is being called a “fake-ass bitch” for having an ice sculpture, which, OK, but honestly, who has ice sculptures at backyard pizza parties? For real though? And as far as the glam goes: she is often coming home from being on set.


Denise and Kyle then begin sniping at each other about who is interrupting whom, and Denise finally huffs that Kyle needs to stop being an asshole and that she is NOT FUCKNG DOING THIS.

With that, dinner is over, and Lois is returned home before she is accused of being a fake-ass bitch, too.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.

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