‘The Bachelor’: A One-Woman Show

The Bachelor
January 18, 2021

So, we’re in the middle of a rose ceremony — more than halfway through, in fact:

Rose #1: Mrs. James
Rose #2: College Student
Rose #3: Gorgeous
Rose #4: Veronica from Riverdale
Rose #5: First Impression Rose
Rose #6: The Model
Rose #7: Someone Named Jessenia
Rose #8: Dildo Girl
Rose #9: Sexy Fish

 … when Veronica Corningstone just keels over, bringing everything to a halt.

As the other women roll their eyes, Matt James runs to Veronica Corningstone’s rescue. She insists she’s SO EMBARRASSED, and she’s NEVER FAINTED BEFORE, and OH MY GOD, while Matt James assures her that it’s fine, he just wants to make sure she’s alright.

When it’s clear that she’s perfectly fine, the two return to the rose ceremony, and Matt James passes out the remaining roses:

Rose #10: Pickup Truck
Rose #11: Pageant Reina
Rose #12: Pizza Delivery
Rose #13: TEETH
Rose #14: Naked Chick
Rose #15: Queen Asshole

Which means we say goodbye to Tracee Ellis Ross; Schweddy Balls; Groany’s Sister; Lady and the Tramp and — just moments after he presented her with an orchid — Toxic Orchid. Because the producers aren’t done with Queen Asshole yet.

The next day, Chris Harrison meets with the women, explains that Matt James has trouble “feeling uncomfortable” (Ok, but who doesn’t? ), and adds that they need to be “comfortable with being uncomfortable” themselves, which is cryptic. He then adds that there will be two group dates and one 1-on-1 date this week before leaving the first date card:

“Veronica from Riverdale; First One Out of the Limo; God First; College Student; Sexy Fish; Queen Asshole; Pickup Truck; TEETH; Naked Chick; Dildo Girl: Today is a surprise for everyone. Matt James.”

The ladies then head out to meet Matt James and the outfit that he borrowed from Ron Burgundy.

He explains to the women that he is as clueless as they are about what they are about to do before leading them to a theater. There, they find Khaste Kardashian — whose only job these days seems to be to appear on these dumb shows — reading what can only be described as soft-core erotica. And apparently, it’s from Chris Harrison’s novel, A Perfect Letter, which came out in 2015.

Wait, holdup, 2015? Why are we promoting a rip-off Harlequin novel from five years ago?

But here we are, listening to Chris Harrison’s hamfisted approximation of a sex scene. Khaste Kardashian then explains that their assignment today is to write their own “love story” with Matt James — and by “love story” they actually mean “sex scene” — and then read it in front of Matt James and Chris Harrison and her and the other women on the date and also in front of  a “live studio audience.”

The women retreat backstage and begin scribbling in journals, while Khaste Kardashian flitters around, giving notes like, “WOW,” and “Uh … OK.” Helpful!

Finally, the women are brought out to perform their readings in front of Matt James, Chris Harrison, Khaste Kardashian, and the “live studio audience” — the other women not on this group date. While most of the “live studio audience” think this assignment sounds humiliating and hilarious, Veronica Corningstone is over here, whining already that it’s just going to be a painful reminder that the guy with whom she has been on one (1) date has relationships with other women.


As for the group date participants, what I can say about them is that they genuinely do not hold back. After Matt James reads his own piece, which involves chocolate cake (but in a completely G-rated way), the women take turns reading their own fantasized encounters. “Bras!” And “breasts!” And “full-packages!” And “orgasms!” And “long, thick … legs!” And “fluttering groins!” And “BEEP!” And “BEEP and BEEP!” And “BEEEEEEP!”

Meanwhile, Veronica Corningstone looks like she’s going to vomit, and talking about how listening to these women read their half-baked erotica is like a “knife through [her] heart.”

And then it is cocktail party time, and the other women are sent back to the hotel. Matt James speaks with Veronica from Riverdale first, where she tells him that she was SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE talking about her fluttering groin in front of him, Chris Harrison, and God herself, but she was trying to give it her all. He is like, “It’s all good and now I’m going to chew on your face with my eyes wide open like some kind of lunatic.”

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Veronica Corningstone is still moping about how hard the group date was to watch having just had a 1-on-1 date with him and that she’s never done anything this hard before. Girl. Your father has a fatal disease. You’ve been through worse.

Then! When the next date card is delivered, Veronica Corningstone gets up and storms out of the room because she can’t even bear to hear that he’s going on another 1-on-1 with a woman who is not her, and she retreats to some other room to pout by herself in front of a camera crew.

(By the way, Queen’s Gambit receives the 1-on-1 date: “Queen’s Gambit: Let love lead the way. Matt James.” But like everything else in this episode, she was overshadowed by Veronica Corningstone’s shenanigans.)

Back on the date, by now Matt James has also made out with First One Out of the Limo with his eyes wide open, and is in the middle of a conversation with Dildo Girl when who should walk in and demand to interrupt, but Veronica Corningstone.

Dildo Girl:

While Veronica Corningstone whines to Matt James about how hard this is for her, how she never opens up to people the way she did with him, and it hurts her to come to the realization that she signed up to be on a reality show on which she would date the same man as 31 other women, while all that is happening, Dildo Girl goes stumbling out to the other women and is like, “Y’all won’t believe what just happened.” The other women encourage her to go back and kick Veronica Corningstone out — it’s not her group date, after all, so she can fuck right off — and Dildo Girl follows their advice.

She interrupts Matt James and Veronica Corningstone, who asks for “like five more minutes?” “How about two,” replies Dildo Girl who moves to the corner and waits because this is some bullshit. When Dildo Girl interrupts again, BECAUSE IT’S BEEN TWO MINUTES, ASSHOLE, Veronica Corningstone asks Matt James to walk her out, and he obliges.

But she doesn’t leave right away — instead, she returns to the women on the group date where she explains that she had something weighing on her heart and needed to talk to Matt James RIGHT THAT SECOND. The other women are like, “Uh, it’s the first day of the week, and everyone is going on a date this time — you should have waited for your own group date.” Veronica Corningstone apologizes and says that she just wanted them to hear from her why she interrupted their group date and not from anyone else, and they’re like, “OK, so why did you interrupt our group date? What was so urgent>” but she rolls her eyes and insists that’s between her and Matt James and no one else.

Veronica Corningstone goes outside where she explains to the cameras that she now feels like she has a target on her back and that the other women just can’t understand how she feels because, like, her relationship with Matt James has progressed so much further than his relationships with any of them.


Queen Asshole goes outside and confronts her: is it a health problem? Is that why she WASTED ALL OF THEIR TIME? Because it had better had been about something important and not just a selfish attention grab on her part. Dildo Girl joins them and encourages Veronica Corningstone to tell her what’s going on, but the best Veronica Corningstone can do is say that she is “going through a lot.” Dildo Girl is like, “Listen, I get it, we’re all insecure. But bitch, you had a whole 1-on-1 date with him, and I’ve been on two group dates with crowds of other women. You could have saved this for another time.”

And then Matt James returns to the group date, their time completely wasted now, and he gives Veronica from Riverdale the group rose.

The other women:

The next morning, Dildo Girl explains to some women who weren’t on the group date the night before that Veronica Corningstone interrupted and stole time from them and people are pissed. Soon after, the other women and Queens Gambit come down to wait for Matt James to collect Queens Gambit for their 1-on-1 date — all but Veronica Coringstone who stays up in her room moping and being a coward.

When Matt James arrives, he tells the women he wants to address what happened on the group date, only to realize that Veronica Corningstone isn’t with the group, and to everyone’s irritation, he excuses himself for “five minutes” to go talk to her.

Up in her room, Matt James finds Veronica Corningstone in her bed, where he playful tackles her, and then draws her out to talk. There, she moans that she’s “overwhelmed” and thinking about leaving. Matt James insists that if she goes it will be a “tragedy” and that what they shared on their ONE (1) date was “real,” that her ruining the group date and being disrespectful of the other women was fine because it showed she “cared” and that he wouldn’t be there talking to her if she didn’t mean a lot to him. 

Oh, Matt James.

And the women downstairs know it, complaining that Veronica Corninsgstone is just being manipulative and looking for affirmation from Matt James and, once again, taking time from someone else’s date which is some straight-up bullshit.

Reader, it is some straight-up bullshit.

Matt James returns to the women — without Veronica Corningstone —  and assures them that he would have done the same for any of them and that Veronica is fine. One woman reminds Matt James that it’s Queen’s Gambit’s day now BECAUSE APPARENTLY, IT’S SOMETHING HE NEEDS TO HEAR, DAMMIT. And then they head out on the date.

Veronica Corningstone watching them leave:

Girl, therapy. That’s where you need to be, not on this dumb show.

As for the date, Matt James and Queen’s Gambit go for a horse ride through the woods, have a picnic where she has to teach him how to make a charcuterie board, and then they are molested by some of the most adorable, attention-seeking donkeys I’ve ever seen. I’m in love. I love them. The donkeys, that is.

Oh and we learn a couple of things: Queen’s Gambit’s dad isn’t super pleased she’s on the show (AND WHY SHOULD HE BE?) and Matt James’s childhood pet was a turtle.

That night at dinner, Matt James reveals that he doesn’t think that he has ever been in love before and that he was with his last girlfriend for four months. As for Queen’s Gambit, she reveals that she was deeply in love with her ex, so she knows what love feels like and she’s startled by just how quickly her feelings are developing here. That’s enough to offer her the rose and retreat to the obligatory hot tub.

But the REAL drama is happening back at the hotel. The women minus Veronica Corningstone are all together, talking some shit about Veronica since she is, once again, avoiding them. Just as the date card arrives and is about to be read, who should saunter into the room but Veronica Corningstone, once again making her the center of everyone’s attention.

The other women:

Veronica Corningstone begins by apologizing to the women whose date she interrupted, Dildo Girl, in particular. She goes on to explain that she was planning on going home because she’s just so overwhelmed by this entire process, and she really needed to talk to Matt James about it RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT. The other women are very much NOT INTERESTED and point out that she’s monopolizing Matt James’ time and making it all about her …

… and she keeps talking about how “difficult” it’s been for her, but BITCH, YOU’VE HAD A ONE-ON-ONE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THIS “DIFFICULT” NONSENSE. Because of her antics, there will be women who will be sent home this week who didn’t get a chance to spend time with Matt James at all because she demanded his attention. And all of this is 100% accurate!

But then they go low, calling her “calculating, manipulative and toxic,” and when she tries to tell them that she just wants to make amends with them, Queen Asshole asks her why she thinks they would want to make amends with her? Queen Asshole adds that she’s not speaking for the group, but that she for one is not going to accept her apology. College Student then piles on by telling Veronica Corningstone that she hopes her connection with Matt James is strong because her living situation is about to become “horrible.” It’s rough.

The next morning, Veronica Corningstone is in her sobbing corner, sobbing, when Dildo Girl seeks her out. Dildo Girl tells Veronica Corningstone that it was difficult to watch her be ganged up on the night before, and asks how she’s doing. Veronica Corningstone tells her that she’s decided to leave: partly because of the other women, but also because of some other things. Dildo Girl encourages Veronica Corningstone to stay: if she and Matt James really do have a connection, Dildo Girl wants him to explore that completely and not settle.

But Veronica Corningstone admits that it’s more than just her insecurity about Matt James that has made her act like an asshole, and she finally — FINALLY — tells another woman about her father’s health issues and how he only has weeks or months to live. She concludes that maybe — JUST MAYBE — she’s not in the right headspace to be on a reality show since her father might not be alive when she’s done taping.

Dildo Girl reveals that she lost her father a few years ago, and encourages her to go be with her dad in this time without once saying, “OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE, DUMMY?” I mean, I probably would have been able to refrain from saying that out loud, too, but there’s no way my face would have cooperated.

What I’m saying is that Dildo Girl is a much better human being than me and everyone else left on this show.

In an interview, Veronica Corningstone admits that it’s not just her dad’s health that is sending her home, it’s also because the other girls are a bunch of mean bitches. But in the end, Matt James deserves her at her best, and she’s not exactly that right now. OH NO? YOU DON’T THINK SO? WHAT MADE YOU COME TO THAT CONCLUSION? WAS IT THE FAINTING OR WAS IT THE DEHYDRATING YOURSELF WITH YOUR CONSTANT SOBBING FITS?

As the other women are speculating about Veronica Corningstone’s whereabouts, Dildo Girl enters, reveals that Veronica Corningstone is sending herself home, explains that she has a pretty big family thing hanging over her, and as Queen Asshole begins clapping, reminds everyone to try to “stay classy through this process because we don’t know everyone’s stories.”

Seriously, Dildo Girl, you’re too good for this dumb show. Get out while you can.

Finally, Veronica Corningstone goes to Matt James’ house where she tells him that she doubts that she can do this. Being away from her family is weighing too heavy on her, but more than that, she was just attacked by the other women in the house who were vicious monsters to her, and really, it’s all their fault. Matt James tells her that while he can’t imagine what that must be like for her, but that he really wants her to stay.

But Veronica Corningstone pulls out the trump card and tells him that she’s “prayed on it” and she’s ready to go home. Matt James, incapable of arguing against the power of prayer, tells her that he’s “learned so much from [her]” and that he’ll miss her.

With that, he walks her out to the car, hugs her goodbye, and sends her back home. She sobs that this was the “hardest thing she’s ever done” — again, no, I don’t think you mean that — and that he “saw [her] heart” which is why he let her go. Actually, he let you leave because you said you needed to go be with your dying father and your suitcase was in the back of the Go Home Now SUV, but you know what? Whatever you need to tell yourself. Goodbye to unnecessary drama.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Matt and whose nicknames could change as the show goes on, I dunno:

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

2 thoughts on “‘The Bachelor’: A One-Woman Show

  1. Surprised I didn’t see a montage of Queen Asshole’s ever growing eye bags and swelling under her left eye.. is she not sleeping? is she on pills? Please please make one to show the bags progression…

    1. My husband never watches this show. He walked into the living room while I was watching this episode and the first thing he said was, “What’s wrong with that girl’s eye?” LOL! Looks to me like she might have a sty.

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