The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“All’s Fair in Glam and War”
May 6, 2020
It’s the weekend of Teddi’s much-dreaded retreat, and Kyle, Erika, and Sutton drive down to Laguna Beach from the Los Angeles area together, early that morning so as to not miss any of the events Teddi has planned. Kyle notes that she’s SOOPER BUSY, what going back and forth to New York and North Carolina to deal with fashion stuff and film a movie while also trying to be a mom and wife, but she made it a point to attend Teddi’s retreat because she wanted to support her buddy.
And then there’s Sutton. She’s nervous about attending after acting like a complete asshole about the whole thing and calling Teddi boring, and as the car pulls into the hotel, Sutton becomes teary. But Teddi is gracious and receives the women warmly — even if she was faking it.
As for the retreat’s agenda:
10:30 a.m.: Boxing
12:00 p.m.: Lunch
1:00 p.m.: Free Time
5:00 p.m.: Meditation
7:00 p.m.: Dinner
Wait, that’s it? THAT’S ALL THAT IS REQUIRED OF THEM? A little sparring, some deep breathing exercises, and a couple of meals at a luxury hotel? And these bitches were WHINGING about having to go?
I swear to Christ, these are the most obnoxious, spoiled human beings on the planet.
After the “boxing” — and by “boxing,” I mean a bunch of middle-aged women hit each other’s gloved hands for a while — the women head to lunch where they are met by Dorit, who has just arrived. Teddi, for one, is neither surprised nor insulted. She’s seen The Dorit Show before.
But Kyle, who along with Erika and Sutton, woke up at 5 to be at the retreat on time is furious that Dorit dawdled, spent hours in glam, DID AN ENTIRE INSTAGRAM PHOTO SHOOT, and only then got into the car.
View this post on Instagram
View this post on Instagram
So Dorit arrives just in time for lunch, massages, and cocktail hour, and Teddi attempts for the one-thousandth goddamn time to explain that it wasn’t that she didn’t want them to come — she just didn’t want them to feel obligated to come. Her conversation with Rinna had put her on the defensive about whether or not any of them actually wanted to attend, and she maybe expressed it poorly.
But also, Teddi didn’t want people there only to “support” her. Dorit, incredulous, wonders who said they were coming only to support her and Teddi is like, “You. You said that.”
In an interview, Dorit pouts she doesn’t have any idea why she’s even there, she’d much rather
be posting on Instagram be with her kids.
Teddi then informs them of the rest of the schedule: sunset meditation at five and dinner after that. When the women learn the meditation is going to last 90 minutes, they’re all, “LOL, NOOOOOOPE.”
But there are still hours before that, so the women head down to the hotel bar for 2 p.m. cocktails. There, Sutton compliments Teddi’s retreat and apologizes for being an asshole. Meanwhile, Dorit whines at Erika and Kyle about Teddi complaining about her comment about only being there to support her. SHE COULD NOT HAVE MEANT IT IN A MORE GENUINE AND SWEET WAY. And that’s why she’s thinking about leaving early. Kyle and Erika are like, “yeah, that’d be a dick move, don’t do that.”
Teddi heads down to the entirely too long meditation session — seriously, meditations should last three minutes, five minutes tops — while Erika, Kyle, Dorit, and Sutton retire to a hotel room. There, Kyle confronts Dorit directly about her late arrival, and Dorit huffs that she has a fucking life, Kyle. Kyle points out that she does too, and yet she and Erika and Sutton were all able to get up at 5 to get into a car and arrive on time, while Dorit clearly spent that time having her hair and makeup done and posing for an Instagram photo shoot. WELL, SHE ALSO HAD TO TAKE HER CHILDREN TO SCHOOL, KYLE. SHE IS A VERY BUSY IMPORTANT WORKING MOTHER, KYLE. You know, unlike the rest of them.
Finally, it’s dinner time and they head down for “fajita night.” Denise, whose attendance I had long written off by this point, arrives just in time for some steam tray tortillas and meats and an earful about Kyle is attacking Dorit, trying to make her look like “selfish diva.”
And with that, the nightmare that was a one-day event at a resort hotel is finally over and done with.
Next up: Rinna and her daughter Amelia go to a juice bar, obsessively sanitize their hands (OH LADIES, YOUR MOMENT IS ABOUT TO ARRIVE) drink juices, talk about how hard it was for Amelia in New York and how much happier she is back at home in the land of, well, juice bars and unrealistic beauty standards. Seems Amelia is trying to transfer into USC, and Rinna laughs that she’s not about to put her on a rowing machine.
Rinna soon loses interest in her daughter’s conversation when she notices some nearby paparazzi taking pictures of them and begins waving and mugging.
Also spending time with her children and struggling with the challenge of raising grounded human beings in the least grounded place on Earth: Garcelle. Garcelle takes her twin boys out for pizza where they talk about the new house, they pray before they eat their dinner, and she swats down one of the twins’ suggestions that it’s time she buys him some Gucci. Gucci what? It’s unclear. He just knows that it is time for him to own some Gucci. Garcelle is less convinced.
Finally, Denise and her quack husband are hosting the women at their new Malibu rental home. While Denise no longer wants to live in Malibu after her last house burned down, she doesn’t really feel like there’s much choice since her children go to school there. And when your dad is Charlie TigerBlood Sheen, you need all the stability you can get.
But this isn’t going to be some schmancy Beverly Hills dinner with foamed salmon and avocado and kiwi mousse. No, this is going to be a casual pizza party, with a sundae bar, out in the backyard, so NO POINTY SHOES, LADIES.
View this post on Instagram
To be fair, those shoes aren’t pointy.
Oh, but there is going to be a diamond-shaped ice sculpture. What do you think Denise is, a farmer?
Dorit and Garcelle ride together where Dorit whines at Garcelle that she JUST DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHY KYLE IS SO MAAAAAD AT HER. Yes, she arrived at Teddi’s event late, but it’s not like there was an itinerary!
Narrator: There was an itinerary.
Meanwhile, Kyle is whinging at a completely disinterested Mauricio that Dorit was SO RUDE and maybe insinuated that she’d slept with Teddi — and not in a fun slumber party kind of way, which it obviously was.
Everyone arrives at Denise and Aaron’s house long before their hosts emerge from their home because Denise Richards is one of those people who clearly have no concept of time.
Finally, the hosts and their daughters appear and urge everyone to serve themselves some pizza. Denise’s daughters and their friends take a seat at their own table, within earshot of the adults, and after Denise thanks everyone for coming, everyone begins eating and silently calculating how many calories they are consuming.
And then the conversation turns to … the adult.
Someone comments to Denise that she and Aaron have been married for a year now, and she jokes that he’s let himself go. When Dorit doesn’t understand that she was just kidding and protests that he still looks good, Denise replies that he still has his “big penis and big muscles,” and that it’s all good. And I only mention this because … well … it becomes an issue later.
Right, so, when Garcelle suggests that Mauricio set her up with one of his friends, Kyle notes that she herself likes men with dark skin and an accent, and Dorit quips that this must be why she and Teddi are so close.
Kyle then sort of jokes that Teddi’s not her type, and Garcelle begins telling the group that back in her modeling days she did the lesbian thing. At this, Denise begins clutching her pearls and reminds everyone that her children are SITTING RIGHT THERE — you know, the exact same place they were when she was talking about the size of their step-father’s penis. But the ladies don’t care: Garcelle alludes to a threesome with two other women; Erika begins opening up about being the third in a menage a trois; Rinna swears that she’s never been with a girl, despite what they all might think, and Kyle also claims she’s never done “the girl thing,” to which Dorit points out that she and Teddi “chose to share a bed…”
Kyle is like, “THERE IT IS, LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS. SO YOU THINK I’M A LESBIAN?”
Dorit is like, “No, of course, I don’t think you and Teddi are in a romantic relationship, but I do find it tedious that you are blindly defensive of her and that the two of you appear to be some sort of package deal.”
Kyle argues that it was rude for Dorit to show up to Teddi’s event six hours late because she needed to do an Instagram photo shoot. Dorit tells Kyle that she’s being mean, and Kyle’s like, “YOU JUST ACCUSED ME OF SLEEPING WITH TEDDI.” Denise, again, is scandalized on behalf of her daughter’s delicate ears.
And as Denise goes off to check on the girls to make sure their purity is still intact, Kyle does make a nasty comment about Denise looking like a “ragamuffin,” a word I have not heard since my mother would use accuse me of being one when I was seven.
The topic returns to Kyle’s loyalty to Teddi, and how she wouldn’t defend anyone else the way she does Teddi. Kyle is outraged and with good reason since she lost one of her best friends after defending Dorit. Which is a fair point and a thing that happened not all that long ago!
Kyle insists that she would defend any of her friends — and that she has — to which Rinna arches an eyebrow, and points out that she will defend anyone unless it’s about her sister. Again — and I’m not a huge Kyle fan or anything, but that feels like a particularly low blow, family should come before reality show acquaintances — and Kyle, clearly emotional, tells Rinna to fuck right off. Denise orders Kyle to not tell Rinna to fuck off, at which point, Kyle sobs that THEY NEED TO LEAVE HER ALONE.
But they will not leave her alone because this is TO BE CONTINUED …
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.