‘The Bachelorette’: The final three … wait, two … no, wait, three …

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 16

The Bachelorette
December 21, 2020

Well, it’s Fantasy Suite time, that week when the final three men each get to spend the night with The Bachelorette. And when you think about it, how awkward must that be for those guys? To have to sit there and know that your “girlfriend” has just spent the night with these other two dudes — dudes that you’re friends with! — and that she probably did with them the very same things she did with you and it’s all just so … ick.

And so it’s sort of refreshing? is that the word? that this episode opens with the final three men sitting together and acknowledging that this whole situation is weird. Just a week ago, they were all man-hugging, and now they’re about to share something much more … intimate.

Meanwhile, Tayshia is getting advice from Jojo as to what she should do with her private time with each of the men:

… talk to them about their goals, where they want to live, what they’ll do about their jobs, whether they want kids. I would add to that: what their expectations are about religion and who they plan to vote for in the upcoming election. That shit is IMPORTANT.

The first overnight date goes to Bobby Fischer: “True love is timeless,” which makes it sound like a much more interesting date than it actually is: a pain endurance test. Tayshia reveals to Bobby Fischer that they are going to attempt to break a world record for the “longest coldest kiss.” They are going to strip down to their bathing suits, sit in ice baths, and try to hold a kiss for longer than five minutes and sixteen seconds. FUN.

 

Chris Harrison provides color commentary along with “Bachelor Nation favorite” Big Paulie.

Apparently, Big Paulie is the show’s stage manager who serves as muscle when things get out of control, a fact I did not know until about three minutes ago — and I’ve been blogging these God-forsaken shows FOR YEARS. Turns out I’m not the only one who had no idea who this galoot is:

Anyway, they get into the tubs, kiss, and break the record by one minute and nineteen seconds, which is pretty impressive, frankly. Once in a birthing class, they made both the mother-to-be and her partner stick their hands in ice water for as long as they could stand because … pain? they thought what pregnant women needed in their lives was more pain? I honestly don’t know … but the point was it truly sucked and I can not imagine sitting in a tub of ice water for any amount of time, much less six and a half minutes.

That night over dinner, Bobby Fischer tells Tayshia he’s falling in love with her, has been for a couple of weeks now, and is sorry he hadn’t told her sooner. But it’s all good: she tells him that she’s falling for him too and offers him the overnight invitation, which he accepts. The two retire to a cute little vintage Airstream camper for the night.

The next morning, they have some breakfast and enjoy the sunrise, and can we just note that these two are the only couple who has been allowed to eat on this show?

Also, Tayshia is wearing glasses and they are very cute on her and more glasses on more Bachelorettes, please. FOUR-EYED GIRLS REPRESENT.

Bobby Fischer returns to the ManSuite, where he smugly tells the other men that they had a great date and a great night — they didn’t sleep and watched the sunrise.

One of the Zacs then heads out on his date — something about “exploring each other” — and I do hope this is some hours later because the girl needs a nap.

On their date, One of the Zacs and Tayshia cover each other in paint and then roll around on a canvas to make a big purple smear. They’ve done this date before — I want to say on Bachelor in Paradise, it seems very much like a Bachelor in Paradise sort of low-rent date — and instead of being “sexy” it just strikes me as a good way to spend the next two weeks finding paint in places where paint does not belong.

Meanwhile, the La Quinta staff watching this date:

That night over dinner, One of the Zacs talks about how impressed he was on the last date that she just jumped into the fountain with him, without a single thought about her hair or her dress or possibly contracting giardia.

Tayshia mentions that his mother said something about him not wanting children, and he admits that he told himself for a long time that his role in life was to be the “cool uncle” and that he couldn’t allow himself to want kids. But now, here, with her, he realizes that he wants to be a dad one day. Tayshia assures him that he will be a good dad and a good father and that he deserves these things.

One of the Zacs then takes Tayshia’s hands and tells her that before coming on the show, he promised himself he would be honest and authentic. To that end, he needs her to know that she turned a light on inside of him and that he knows he is in love with her. Tayshia responds by telling him that she knows she’s in love with him, too, and I don’t know, but that sounds like we’re done here? Are we done here?

Tayshia offers him the date card, which he accepts, and instead of a tiny little Airstream, these two get to spend the night in what must be the Royal Suite at La Quinta.

Bobby Fischer:

The next morning, they jump on the bed and roll around and drink coffee, and then she kicks him out so that she can pose in the suite and monologue about how she could see herself with any of these men.

Tayshia’s final date is with Bowtie who has been loudly expressing doubts to anyone who will listen that he is ready to get engaged again.

And the producers were definitely listening because for his date, they’ve arranged an engagement ring try-on session with one Mr. Neil “Mall Diamonds” Lane himself. As Tayshia tries on earrings and tennis bracelets and necklaces, Bowtie looks on with a weird mixture of boredom and panic.

But it’s when she starts trying on engagement rings that Brendan’s unease begins to look like genuine nausea.

And then! Neil Lane starts talking about all the other relationships he’s seen on the show and how Dallas Sean and Catherine have two or three kids now, and you can actually see Bowtie’s soul leave his body in that very moment.

That night at “dinner,” they talk about how they had a connection on that first night. But then Bowtie is like, “BUT.”

Bowtie goes on to tell her that while he thought he was ready to move on when he joined the show, he’s come to realize over the past few weeks that there is still a part of himself that is broken from his divorce and that he still needs to grow. His heart isn’t whole and she deserves a man who is complete. That ain’t him.

Tayshia is mature about the whole thing, noting that had she not been through a divorce, she might have been pissed But because she knows what he is experiencing, she is fine. SHE’S FINE. She’s fought for someone to love her once, she’s not going to do it again. And with that, she walks him out while saying in an interview that from day one, she really thought Bowtie was the one.

There is crying.

Bye, Bowtie. Go get some therapy once you’re outside the bubble, friend.

The next morning Tayshia has breakfast with one of my all-time favorite Bachelorettes, Rachel Badass Lindsey, who has also had the guy she was convinced was THE ONE walk out on her.

Rachel has Tayshia tell her about the men who are left, and Tayshia goes on about how wonderful One of the Zacs and Bobby Fischer are, and what a great connection she has with both of them.

And then, on the instructions of the producers, Rachel asks if there are any men Tayshia regrets sending home. Tayshia tells her about Sukhasana, and how after she sent him home, he didn’t show any emotion. And Rachel is like, “Yeah, dummy, that’s because he opened up to you, you dumped him, and he put his defenses up.”

Tayshia:

So everyone gets ready for this final rose ceremony when who should show up on Chris Harrison’s doorstep but Bubble Boy Sukhasana who explains that he wants a do-over. He is in love with Tayshia, and he needs to tell her. He’s worried that maybe she felt the same way about him, and doesn’t know how he feels.

Just as she’s about to go out to the perfunctory rose ceremony, Sukhasana knocks on her door, and she brings him inside for a talk. There, he explains that the way their relationship ended, he was caught off-guard and didn’t know what to do or say. He confesses that he is in love with her, has been in love with her, and he knows he blew it by not telling her at the moment.

Sukhasana starts talking about how he’s been thinking of the life they could have had together and that he’s not even sure what’s he is asking for, he just needs her to know how he feels. Tayshia, she becomes teary, tells him she is NOT ALRIGHT, and then storms out of the room, ending the episode on a very dramatic note.

TO BE CONTINUED RIGHT NOW.

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Tayshia and Clare:

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The Men Who Are Going to Soon Be Dumped by Tayshia:

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The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Tuesday at 7/8 p.m.

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