December 14, 2020
I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS, ABC. Has anyone at your network recently looked at a calendar? Do y’all know that Christmas is NEXT WEEK? Because if you realized that Christmas is NEXT WEEK, I’m sure you would not be DUMPING EIGHT HOURS OF THIS NONSENSE IN MY LAP. I have shopping to do, cards to send out, food to cook, stockings to stuff. I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO RECAP EIGHT HOURS OF TAYSHIA HANGING OUT WITH SOME DUDES AT A THREE-STAR RESORT. BAH HUMMOTHERFUCKINGBUG.
The morning after Bennett made his dramatic reappearance, Tayshia is dealing with another man returning in her life: Chris Harrison. He’s back from taking his son to college, and he only cried once, he declares. This truly is the season of men owning their feelings.
Chris Harrison notes that it looks like Tayshia has also gotten rid of a bunch of men since he was gone: Parachute Guy, Eazy, Bubble Boy, Lunch Meat, and American Psycho, in particular, but Tayshia is like, “welllll … don’t count American Psycho out just yet,” and even Chris Harrison is like, “GURL.”
He then reminds her that after she goes on this one-on-one with Grizzly Adams and gets through this next rose ceremony, hometowns are next, and she’s all, “OH I KNOW.”
She then collects Grizzly Adams for their date which involves them wandering out into the desert to meet a hippie named Gita who makes them play with crystals before ordering them to strip down to their bathing suits so that she can wave more crystals over their heads in an examination of their “chakras.”
Gita then makes Tayshia climb into Grizzly’s lap in a “tantric” position to see how much they can connect with one another, and the answer is “not at all, Gita.”
After this, Tayshia sits Grizzly Adams down and explains that there is not going to be the portion of the date where they pretend to eat dinner: there is no spark between them, and he is going home right now. Grizzly Adams seems genuinely surprised by this development, but speaking on behalf of America, I can say we all saw this coming, dude, the minute you told her you still had feelings for Clare.
Me trying to see the chemistry between Tayshia and Blake
— Bachelor Bish (@BachelorBishes) December 15, 2020
— ap’s bach recap (@apbachrecap) December 15, 2020
— the bachelor & bitchelor 🌹 (@acceptedrose) December 15, 2020
As Tayshia loads Sully from Monsters Inc. into a van that will drive him back into the land of masks and hand sanitizer, Tayshia begins sobbing — not crying, sobbing — for some reason. Because he’s a nice guy? I don’t know, but the point is, his time in the bubble is over, and now he waits for the vaccine with the rest of us.
That bit of business taken care of, Tayshia declares that she’s had a moment of clarity and marches over to the pool cabana where the men are waiting to find out Grizzly’s fate. There, a teary Tayshia explains that now that they are moving into hometowns, things are becoming more real.
She then explains that she sent Grizzly Adams home, and she needs them to know that she cares about every one of them, and hopes they know that this is really hard for her and that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone.
That said … she needs to talk to Groany McBadJoke, Esq. privately.
Outside, Tayshia tells Groany that of all the men, he’s grown the most since day one, and she knows how hard it is for him to be vulnerable. It means everything to her that he was able to open up to her. But she knows how much his family means to him and she doesn’t want to put him through hometowns if her heart isn’t 100% matching his.
Groany wonders why she kept him around for as long as she did, and she doesn’t really have an answer for that — something that he comes to realize, and grimly accepts. He can argue with her all night, but it’s not going to change anything. He tells her that the longer he sits there with her, the longer he looks at her, the more it’s going to hurt, so if she doesn’t mind, he’s going to go put himself in the Get The Fuck Out of Here Already Van, thanks.
Groany laments in an exit interview that he didn’t have enough time to tell her how beautiful, strong and confident she is, and how she’s someone he could see himself spending the rest of his life with. At the end of the day, he’s happy he met her and he doesn’t regret any of this experience at all.
And y’all. I know I’m a sucker for a smooth-talking lawyer, I married one after all, but this was one of the most genuine and heartbreaking goodbye interviews I’ve seen on this dumb show to date.
Tayshia puts him in the van and begins sobbing all over again, and I hope someone in production has some soothing face masks waiting for her back in the suite, those eyes are going to be PUFFY tomorrow.
The next day is the Rose Ceremony and the men wait in the pool cabana when who should stroll in a cloud of smugness and entitlement, but one American Psycho.
The other men:
American Psycho plops down on the couch and puts a chummy hand on One of the Zac’s shoulders only to have One of the Zacs recoil and warn American Psycho to not put his hands on him.
American Psycho explains that it was bizarre that he was eliminated so he returned to tell Tayshia that he loved her. She sent him a note telling him that his words meant a lot to her and that she would see him at the Rose Ceremony.
The other men:
That bit of business is taken care of, the men are told to just line up: Tayshia is not having a cocktail party, she knows exactly who she is tired of:
Rose #1: One of the Zacs
Rose #2: Bobby Fischer
Rose #3: Bowtie
Which means we must say goodbye to our two remaining jesters: Porn Stache and American Psycho, AGAIN, because apparently like Donald Jenius Trump, American Psycho wasn’t satisfied losing just the one time.
Get out of the bubble, boys, AND STAY OUT.
The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Tayshia and Clare:
The Men Who Are Going to Soon Be Dumped by Tayshia:
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
We then head into this season’s “The Men Tell All” special, blessedly shortened to a single hour, so I guess the pandemic hasn’t been entirely terrible. Also not terrible: there are only eight men in attendance. Listen, I am not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. One-third of the men means one-third of the unintelligible cross-screaming and I’m for it.
In attendance are: Bubble Boy; Faux Lou Perlman; American Psycho; Groany McBadJoke, Esq.; Grizzly Adams, Porn Stache; My Cousin Vinny and Parachute Guy.
Now, they never bring back ALL of the bachelorettes and bachelors for these reunions, but conspicuously absent are Sir Dumbass and Eazy. I understand why Eazy isn’t there: he’s under a cloud of suspicion for possibly sexually assaulting a woman, but whither Sir Dumbass?
Because it’s not like they’re pretending he didn’t exist (unlike Dr. Joe or Fart Box or Lunch Meat or a ton of other dudes). After the obligatory montage of the season, Chris Harrison opens the questioning by asking Bubble Boy about why he had such a problem with Sir Dumbass. Bubble Boy says the word “verbiage” about eighteen times until Parachute Guy is like, “I don’t know, maybe he was being genuine and just had a limited vocabulary?”
But Bubble Boy insists that Sir Dumbass was a “fraud, fake and phony,” and too stupid to know that phony doesn’t begin with an “F.” He’s very proud of this dumb insult.
The conversation then turns to the feud between Porn Stache and American Psycho, and American Psycho, again, insists he didn’t have beef with anyone, including Porn Stache.
But Porn Stache, who has purchased a thesaurus since being booted out of the Bachelorette bubble, claims that American Psycho was “meticulous, intentional, and conniving” in the little sly remarks that he would make at Porn Stache’s expense.
Chris Harrison asks if American Psycho gave Porn Stache the book on emotional intelligence as a sincere gesture and Porn Stache is like, COME ON. OF COURSE HE DIDN’T. But Porn Stache insists that he did read the book, the book was good!, and adds that American Psycho said he was lacking in three of the four areas of emotional intelligence.
American Psycho then pipes in to say he was just being nice: Porn Stache is deficient in four of the four.
American Psycho accuses Porn Stache of only being on the show to create drama, and soon the other men are taking sides: Groany points out that American Psycho WAS an ass to Porn Stache and Parachute Guy and Grizzly Adams agree that American Psycho was condescending; while on the other side, Faux Lou Perlman argues that Porn Stache wasted valuable time they all could have had with Tayshia, and My Cousin Vinny insists that American Psycho was never rude to him.
BOYS, BOYS! You’re all right! They’re both awful. I’m going to let Bobby Fischer call this one:
Noah is on the right side of this one guys. Trust me. #TheBachelorette
— Ivan Hall (@ivanbhall8) December 15, 2020
Chris Harrison then takes a wild left turn, taking us to Grizzly Adams’ last date with Tayshia with the hippie and the crystals and the chakras. It turns out, they couldn’t show Gita opening up Grizzly’s chakras on the episode, because it opened … something else within him …
A boner. Grizzly got a huge boner that they had to cover up with one of their patented black boxes.
On the one hand, this seems somewhat relevant as to an explanation for why Tayshia sent his ass home without going to dinner. But on the other hand, I REALLY DID NOT NEED TO HAVE THIS INFORMATION. I COULD HAVE LIVED MY ENTIRE LIFE HAPPILY NOT KNOWING THIS EVER HAPPENED.
They also revisit the time the producers sent Bubble Boy to Chris Harrison’s room at 2:30 in the morning. This was kinda funny the first time, but I am just not convinced we needed to relive the entire thing all over again.
We then change lanes again, and go all the way back to Clare’s three episodes, as if the producers suddenly remembered that she was on the show, too. (Don’t worry, they almost immediately forget her again after this segment.) Chris Harrison welcomes a ninth man to the couches: that misogynistic creep, InstaCheater.
As they play a montage of him talking over Clare, calling her classless for the strip dodgeball game, telling her she’s not fit to be the mother of his child, and calling her — hatefully, spitefully — the oldest Bachelorette ever, our friend Groany can not disguise his irritation with this man:
— Taj (@Tajpalm) December 15, 2020
Groany for President, 2024.
The long and short of it is, Chris Harrison asks InstaCheater if he has any regrets for being such a pig to Clare, and he’s all, “NOPE!” and the men yell at him that he’s a disrespectful shitbird and he’s all, “THAT’S YOUR OPINION, MAN!” and Chris Harrison is like, “I mean, you want to think about what you did for even half a second?” but InstaCheater is all, “I STAND BY IT!” And Chris Harrison is like, “Dude, this is a bad look,” but InstaCheater is all, “I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE!”
He’s removed from the stage and hopefully from any list of potential Bachelor in Paradise contestants. And listen, everyone loves a redemption story, and there have been plenty of characters who really did make up for their past bad behavior on Bachelor in Paradise … but I SWEAR TO GOD, PRODUCERS, IF THIS WOMAN-HATING PIECE OF SHIT SHOWS UP IN MEXICO … WELL, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’LL DO … BUT I’LL BE REALLY REALLY MAD.
Right, so, Tayshia is invited to the stage, and the first thing she does is try to shoot down my conspiracy theory that she was at La Quinta the entire time as a back-up Bachelorette.
Tayshia starts with Porn Stache, telling him that he had amazing energy and that she had fun with him. As for American Psycho, it was hard for her to send him home (that first time). American Psycho claims that he spent that first 24 to 36 hours crying over her.
— 🌹 (@tvgoldtweets) December 15, 2020
Seriously, can we give Groany a little tiny window in the corner of the screen for the rest of the season just for his reaction shots? PLEASE?
Tayshia tells American Psycho that he really showed up, but in the end, she had stronger relationships with some of the other men.
Chris Harrison then turns our attention to a “heartbreaking breakup” — that’d be her break up with Grizzly Adams.
Grizzly wants to know if they had had more time, would it have made a difference? But Tayshia assures him it wasn’t just the time issue. In their first conversation, he told her he was still working through his feelings for Clare, and that led her to put up her walls, lest she be blindsided by him. Also, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Grizzly, but she doesn’t really care for facial hair? Which you have in abundance?
Finally, we get to the breakup with Groany, and he starts by asking if he can come hug her. She agrees, and he then joins her on the couch. There, he explains that he mourned the breakup at home for a solid week and that he’s not usually that vulnerable with people. He adds that he doesn’t regret opening up to her, and if she ever needs anyone to remind her how wonderful she is, he’ll be there.
Tayshia insightfully tells Groany that everyone has junk in their past and that he mustn’t allow his junk to hold him back from opening up to people. The reason she eliminated had nothing to do with anything he revealed to her, he did not scare her off. She assures him that he will be an amazing husband and father and that he made her experience on the show ten times better.
— Riley Christian (@RileyDChristian) December 15, 2020
UGH, HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FEEL SOMETHING, YOU WORTHLESS SHOW? AND NO, I’M STILL NOT GOING TO DISCUSS THE BLOOPERS. FUCK OFF, YOU.
Onto the second of this week’s episodes … CAN I GET SOMEONE TO INJECT CAFFEINE DIRECTLY INTO MY EYEBALLS OVER HERE?
The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Tuesday at 7/8 p.m.