‘The Bachelorette’: The games dummies play

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 16

The Bachelorette
November 24, 2020

We begin this episode with the arrival of Chris Harrison who explains to the men that the guys who weren’t on the group date the night before — and who didn’t crash said date, PORN STACHE — have a unique opportunity: they will compete for the one-on-one date by writing and performing an original song for Tayshia. This means we will be “treated” to the musical stylings of: American Psycho; Bobby Fischer; Grizzly Adams; Groany McBadJoke Esq.; Faux Lou Perlman; One of the Zacs; and Parachute Guy, Lord protect us in our hour of need.

These men spend an hour wracking their brains for words that rhyme with “Tayshia” before gathering in the reception area to perform.

Grizzly Adams uses an accordion as accompaniment; Groany does some slam poetry; Parachute Guy, who is convinced he has this challenge in the bag, tunelessly strums a guitar while singing about coffee; American Psycho tells us that he is rapping …

… and, Bobby Fischer asks Tayshia to join him on stage (on “stage”), where he basically recites some bad poetry at her while holding her hand. But hey, it makes her feel special and Tayshia awards him the one-on-one, sending the rest of the men back to their hotel rooms, grousing that Bobby Fischer is SO BORING THOUGH.

Bobby Fischer arrives at Tayshia’s suite where she explains they are going to order some room service and play some games, beginning with “The Floor is Lava.”

Netflix would like some royalties, please and thank you.

“The Floor is Lava” turns into a pillow fight with pillows that have been split open so that feathers go everywhere.

Live shot of the housekeeping staff the next morning:

Also, while I’m pleased to see Tayshia and Bobby Fischer actually eat real food on the date, what the fuck is this about?

EXCUSE ME: HOW MANY PEOPLE IS THIS BOWL OF ICE CREAM SUPPOSED TO FEED? ALL OF THEM? ALL OF THE PEOPLE?

After playing some Twister and bocce, Tayshia and Bobby Fischer discuss being biracial (he’s Black and Filippino; she’s Black and Mexican) and their families. This leads to Bobby Fischer revealing that years before, his younger brother found himself in legal trouble and ended up spending four years in prison. The experience made Bobby Fischer less judgmental towards people who suffer from drug addiction and opened his eyes to how people in positions of authority, like correctional officers, sometimes abuse their power.

This then leads to a conversation about George Floyd and the state of the world in general, and soon Tayshia is in tears, overwhelmed by … well … ~gestures at everything~. Bobby Fischer here, he encourages Tayshia to talk to him, to tell him what’s on her mind, and she begins opening up about how after spending her entire life around people who didn’t look like her, it was meaningful and powerful hear and see people using the slogan “Black Lives Matter.” Bobby Fischer adds that after being called the “N-word” at college — multiple times — he never thought he would see people of so many different races coming together to protest and advocate on behalf of Black people like them: it gives him hope.

Besides this being an important conversation about race that some Bachelor/Bachelorette fans need to hear and need to hear coming from the nice Black people they are friends with through the TV, the conversation was also fascinating in that it was the most genuine conversation about anything of real importance I’ve ever seen on this show. Sure, there have been heavy conversations about feelings and family on these shows, and Andi once tried to have a conversation about her religion with Juan Pablo — mostly to point out that Juan Pablo was completely disinterested in her religion — before she dumped his dumb ass. But I’ve never seen the show allow two people just talk so openly and for so long about such a politically charged subject. I’m not saying that these are the first contestants on any of these shows to have a conversation about race and/or politics, just that we, as the audience, have never been privy to it.

And honestly, it’s HUGELY important. I know the show’s focus is on the romance and watching people talk about who they plan to vote for or how police brutality personally effects them might take the viewers out of the fairy tale of it all and remind them of things they are trying to take their minds off of with this sort of escapist trash. But in the real world, you need to be able to talk to your partner about these sorts of things, to find consensus with and comfort from one another. Because when you don’t discuss these things, here’s where you end up. Talking about politics and race and religion are important elements to a functioning adult relationship and these conversations should be shown on this show no matter how uncomfortable it might make the audience.

And it only took unprecedented racial justice protests erupting all over the country for the show to get here, but you know what? It’s progress. I’ll take it. I just hope they keep it up.

Tayshia gives Bobby Fischer the date rose. Obviously.

Meanwhile, the rest of the men receive the final date card: “One of the Zacs, Faux Lou Perlman, Parachute Guy, Groany, American Psycho, Grizzly Adams: How far are you willing to go for love?”

Porn Stache, this asshole right here, he begins pouting that he doesn’t get to go on the group date, too, EVEN THOUGH HE CRASHED THE LAST DATE AND TOOK HOME THE DATE ROSE.

The other men:

The next morning, the men head to the group date where they are met by Tayshia and Sydney, the former NBA dancer who was on Tayshia’s season of The Virgin Bachelor, and Becca who, after being very publicly dumped by that former race car driver became the Bachelorette herself, and chose a dude without first determining if they were politically compatible and it went about as well as would be expected.

ANYWAY. The three women explain that the men are going to pair up and play a version of Truth or Dare, involving ridiculous challenges like “drinking gross things” and “fake orgasming on the resort’s PA system” and “confronting their own squeamishness around homosexuality by having Chris Harrison sign their asses with a Sharpie.”

Finally, the men are forced to eat a habanero pepper before getting down on one knee and fake proposing to Tayshia with a puke bucket nearby.

ROMANCE.

That night is the “Truth” part of this “Truth or Dare” challenge, as Tayshia takes each man aside during the cocktail portion of the evening and asks them personal questions:

She asks American Psycho about his previous engagement, which obviously didn’t work out.

Grizzly Adams swears that he is still friends with all of his exes. Groany insists that though he’s a successful attorney, when he gets married, his wife and kids will be his priority. Faux Lou Perlman reveals that he’s a smartass, and Parachute Guy admits that his biggest fear about getting married is getting divorced.

As for One of the Zacs, he admits that she makes him nervous. But he shouldn’t be nervous around her, seeing as he’s the only one who receives any hot tub time with her, and he receives the date rose.

That night (?), Sukhasana realizes that he blew it on his group date and should have tried harder to spend some time with her during the cocktail party. To fix this grave error before the rose ceremony, he makes a plan to sneak over to her suite that night. And the producers, not satisfied that this is enough drama, they convince Bubble Boy that he, too, should go visit Tayshia in the middle of the night … for reasons.

So both men wander through the resort in the cover of darkness, with Sukhasana arriving safely at Tayshia’s room, where he is welcomed inside. There, he apologizes for dithering on the group date and not spending time with her. He assures her that he is not apathetic towards her or their relationship and that he will be the first to grab her hand at the Rose Ceremony.

With that, there’s a knock at the door, and we’re supposed to think that it is Bubble Boy wandering into an awkward situation. But nope: it’s the room service Sukhasana had ordered, delivering champagne, and earning Tayshia’s forgiveness.

As for Bubble Boy, the producers do not give him directions to Tayshia’s room, but instead, he finds himself knocking on Chris Harrison’s door at 2:30 in the A.M.

Chris Harrison, to his credit, does not tell Bubble Boy to get the fuck outta there and go to bed, but instead invites him inside for a drink.

They then sit in painful silence together.

And then Bubble Boy goes back to his room for the night, never finding his way to Tayshia’s room.

Finally, it’s Rose Ceremony time, and as the men head to the cocktail party, everyone is bitching about Porn Stache. But the real story is: BUBBLE BOY HAS THE SALMON JACKET. WHO GAVE THE HUMAN THUMB THE SALMON JACKET?

True to his word, Sukhasana grabs Tayshia as soon as she walks into the room, and none of the other men begrudge him, knowing full well he done fucked up on the group date and needs to redeem himself (but without knowing that he already did so the night before).

Tayshia also spends some time with Groany who presents her with a “girlfriend” contract …

… and Bowtie who complains that he’s been missing her.

And then Tayshia hangs with Porn Stache who uses his time with her to whine about the other men being mean to him before claiming that they think she gave him the rose just to “shake things up.” Tayshia is now PISSED, furious that the men believe that she just gave him a rose to cause drama in the house and demands names, but Porn Stache, who is JUST MAKING THIS ALL UP IT SHOULD BE NOTED, is all, “Uhhhh … I’m not a snitch? Maybe you should just talk to the other men.”

Porn Stache then returns to the group where he tells them that his conversation with Tayshia might have become “more serious than he anticipated,” which is when Tayshia stomps into the room and orders everyone goes into the Scolding Hall.

There, she explains that it has been brought to her attention that some are questioning her integrity and think that she is deliberately creating drama BUT SHE HAS BEEN VERY CLEAR THAT SHE IS BING HONEST AND VULNERABLE AND SOME PEOPLE NEED TO GROW THE HELL UP OR SHE WILL WALK THEM RIGHT OUT OF THIS QUARANTINE BUBBLE.

COCKTAIL PARTY OVER. DUMMIES NEED TO GO LINE UP FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY.

Tayshia storms out of the room again, at which point American Psycho asks who was the last person to talk to her …

Porn Stache admits that he told her that some of the men think he didn’t earn the date rose for the date he wasn’t on and that it was all for show and that’s it! That’s all he said! Why is everyone freaking out just because he told her a total lie and he can’t point to a single person who said such a thing but she ended the cocktail party early based on this complete fabrication which means there are men who are going to go home tonight without the benefit of spending time with her — but not Porn Stache because he is safe behind his unearned rose? What’s the big deal?

All of the men are VERY FURIOUS about this nonsense, but especially Eazy who points out that Porn Stache didn’t talk to a single man in the house about his concerns before running his mouth off to Tayshia; Bubble Boy who is ready to throw punches; and American Psycho who compares Porn Stache to a 14-year-old, demands that Porn Stache apologize to Tayshia and the other men, and bitches that he’s there for love, not to breastfeed Porn Stache. Which I think we can all agree is quite an image.

And with that, Tayshia is ready to throw some men out of the bubble already:

Rose #1: Sukhasana
Rose #2: Eazy
Rose #3: Groany McBadJoke, Esq.
Rose #4: Bowtie
Rose #5: American Psycho
Rose #6: Grizzly Adams
Rose #7: Parachute Guy
Rose #8: Lunch Meat
Rose #9: Bubble Boy

This means we must say goodbye to: Sir Dumbass; Four-Eyes; Faux Lou Perlman; and Dr. Joe — who, of all of the men, deserved so much better. Get that vaccine and head to Paradise, Dr. Joe.

Your time in the bubble is over, guys. Enjoy life on the outside.

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Tayshia and Clare:

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The Men Who Are Going to Soon Be Dumped by Tayshia:

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The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Tuesday at 7/8 p.m.

One thought on “‘The Bachelorette’: The games dummies play”

  1. Spot on and sidesplittingly funny as always, Therese, and I particularly appreciated your review of the important conversation that they showed between Tayshia and Bobby Fischer. Can’t wait to hear your thoughts on this week, where we got to hear about addiction, family and legal troubles, and male eating disorders.

    I’m really proud of the producers this year (okay, “pride” is a stretch) — and whether we’re getting these scenes b/c they can’t go anywhere or do anything and have to show actual conversations — I’m not complaining. I hope they get positive feedback and continue it in future seasons, too! Makes the guilty pleasure a little less…guilty 🙂

    Reply

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