‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Brandi’s back, bitches

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“A Double Shot of Brandi”
June 4, 2019

Hey, remember the terrible wildfires that flared up in Malibu and Southern California back in 2018? The Woolsey Fire burned on November 8, destroyed 96,949 acres and 1,643 structures, prompted the evacuation of more than 295,000 people, and killed three. It was genuinely terrifying, and both Camille and Denise were personally effected, as we learn in the preface to the episode in a phone call to Kyle, Rinna, and Teddi.

But first! We go back to five days earlier. In addition to her completely non-descript bathing suits, Dorit has a non-descript athlesiure line too, and her clothes are going to be displayed in the window of some store called Kitson’s which she seems really excited about …

… but means nothing to me as someone who does not live in Los Angeles. I just do not give one single solitary shit.

Dorit oversees a photoshoot which involves her son Jagger and his one bathing suit because her IDIOT ASSISTANT EITHER FORGOT TO PACK THE OTHER BATHING SUIT OR MAYBE BECAUSE THE OTHER BATHING SUIT WAS STAINED IT IS UNCLEAR BUT WHAT IS CLEAR IS THAT HER ASSISTANT IS AN IDIOT, which she yells about at length. And in conclusion: bathing suits.

Elsewhere, Erika and Rinna meet for lunch where Rinna delights again in being Erika Jayne for Halloween and how freeing it was. They then move on to the topic at hand: That bitch Camille. Since Erika wasn’t in Hawaii for the People Magazine reveal, Rinna repeats the whole story for her here and reminds the audience that Camille has talked some shit about both Dorit and Teddi. Now that Camille’s wedding is behind us, A RECKONING IS COMING.

At her house, Kyle is making arrangements to rent a chateau in France for the women to go to in the next week? Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not how any of this works. I mean, they obviously go to France, but you’re going to have me believe that 1. it was all just thrown together as a whim at the last possible second and 2. that Kyle and not some harried production assistant arranged the whole thing? Just think of all the arrangements they had to make for the crew to go to France! But yeah, sure, Kyle called one lady and now they’re going to stay in a palace in France three days from now.

Over at the Rinna-Hamlin home, Harry Hamlin is making burgers for his family. And let me just say that when this segment began, I was so bored by it. Yes, we get it: Harry Hamlin is remarkably down to earth and real dad and their daughters are picky eaters who are vegan one day, vegetarian the next, carnivores the next blah blah L.A. is wacky! blah.

But then it turns into a much darker, sadder story about their daughter Amelia’s eating disorder. She refuses to eat anything, insisting that she’s not hungry and that her parents are trying to force-feed her. And by “force-feed” her, she means that they keep offering her food even though she claims she is “allergic” to everything: veggie burgers, corn, salad, everything. In turn, this bums Harry Hamlin out, and he mopes at the table, as it is a TERRIBLE feeling to watch a child struggle and feel powerless to do anything about it. And then Amelia becomes angry at her father for being passive-aggressive with her, and giving off a bad “energy,” which only bums Harry Hamlin out even more.

Rinna, to her immense credit, talks about all of this very openly and wonders how much she is responsible for her daughter’s issues. And look, it is easy to criticize Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin for being part of an industry that is obsessed with the superficial, and for raising their daughters in a city that is built on an unrealistic and unhealthy beauty standard. But the reality is that at least one of their daughters is paying a psychic price for those choices. It would be incredibly painful as a parent to believe that you did everything you could to give your children a beautiful life — and, in fact, you were successful! — but that it came at the cost of their well-being and happiness.

And in conclusion, this scene was the first thing I was thinking about when I woke up this morning (even with everything else going on in the world — maybe because of everything else going on in the world) and I was filled with a deep sadness for Rinna and Harry Hamlin, but mostly Harry Hamlin.

ANYWAY. IT’S A REAL BUMMER.

 

Later, the women overdress for a casual lunch together (all but Lisa Vanderpump who is all but VanderDone with the show). There, Kyle discusses the fact that she had to close her store, Kyle by Alene Too (which, honestly: has there EVER been a worse name for a boutique?) because the rent was TOO DAMN HIGH. Also, people shop online now. And honestly, Kyle? Considering what 2020 has lined up for us all? Best to get out now while the getting’s good.

The group discusses their upcoming trip to the chateau and agree that it is not a “glamour” trip, it’s just a trip to an 11-bedroom French chateau with a full staff. I guess this means Erika doesn’t feel the need to bring her glam squad with her? OK.

The group asks if Camille has been invited, and Kyle explains that she has because they need some conflict, come on she didn’t know how to politely NOT invite her. But between Teddi and Dorit, both of whom Camille has talked some shit about, and the whole People Magazine/Vanderpump VanderAss kissing, the women are sharpening their knives.

Meanwhile, at Camille’s house, she talks to some people we don’t know about how Teddi supposedly snubbed Camille’s daughter at the airport and that Teddi’s “getting too big for her britches,” as if Teddi is a sassy eight-year-old and not an adult woman.

Well, well, well, look who’s back: it’s Brandi “Doesn’t Give a Flying Fuck” Glanville, my favorite former Housewife. She meets Denise for drinks in Malibu, and in what is an interesting editing decision, they try to make it a big reveal that it’s Brandi who Denise is meeting? Even though her name is right there in the title of the episode? WAY TO SURPRISE US, GUYS.

It turns out Denise and Brandi did not know each other previously, which is honestly surprising to me. A mutual friend (read: producer) introduced them and they hit it off immediately, mostly by sharing the experience of having lived through nightmarish tabloid divorces.

They chat for a bit about Denise filming a movie with her ex-boyfriend and how her new husband doesn’t care and isn’t jealous (and how Brandi would slash a bitch’s tires for less). They also discuss the fact that some guy has accused Brandi of punching him in the face at a recent Halloween party but she swears it wasn’t her and it doesn’t sound like something she would do. It absolutely sounds like something she would do.

They discuss the whole Vanderpump VanderScandal regarding Radar Online and the damn dog, and Brandi is like, “OH SHE DEFINITELY VANDERDID IT. DO NOT VANDERCROSS HER.” And then they discuss the fact that Denise defended Rinna against Kim Richards, and Brandi, who is firmly Team Kim, is all, “Why the hell would you do that?” Bye, Brandi! It was good to see you again! I’m sure we won’t hear from you for another several years, goodbye!

The next day, Denise stops by her husband’s gym that he’s setting up. It’s boring and a waste of our time.

Kyle and Erika go scarf shopping for their upcoming trip to the French chateau which might be the richest and whitest and dumbest sentence ever written. On the way to the scarf store, they pass the empty Kyle by Alene Too, and Villa Blanca which is advertising a Provence Prix Fixe menu, and Kyle has a sorta sad. They then buy some scarves. That’s it. That’s the scene.

Finally, it’s the day before they leave for France, so everyone is bossing their suitcase maids around.

But then! The morning of the trip! WILDFIRES. Kyle, Rinna, and Teddi are in a car driving to the airport and receive a call from Camille who explains that she and her family had to evacuate. She will keep them posted on what is going on. They then call Denise who also lives in Malibu, and she informs them that she’s pretty sure her house is burning down RIGHT NOW. And so they’re like, “Oh my gosh, that’s so sad! Stay safe! We’ll check in once we’re at the chateau and have had our welcome champagne!”

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.