The Real Housewives of New York
“It’s Not You, It’s Miami”
May 29, 2019
It’s Christmas time in New York City (which, to be fair, is magical even for a cynical old snob like me), and The Countess is rehearsing a Christmas-themed routine for her cabaret show when Sonja “surprises” her with a visit. (And I only put that in quotation marks because OBVIOUSLY everyone knew Sonja was coming — ain’t no way a camera crew would be recording this boring-ass rehearsal if they didn’t know something was going to happen.)
And Sonja is sonjaing at an 11, y’all. She is scream-talking at everyone around her, dancing, interrupting The Countess’ performance, criticizing The Countess’ script, going on about nipples … It’s a Whole Lot and The Countess does not think it’s cute.
The Countess then rehearses a bit she’s added to the show where she jokingly presents Dorinda with the “The First Annual Jovani Award for Magnanimous Glamour.” And even Sonja, floating around somewhere on her own planet, can see that this is a terrible idea.
Sonja advises The Countess to drop the bit from the act because
not only is it not funny, it also doesn’t even make sense, I mean, what does “magnanimous glamour” even mean? it will surely undo any of the progress The Countess and Dorinda might have made in their friendship. But The Countess does not want to hear it from Sonja.
Later, Dorinda has been invited to be an official Christmas tree lighter. Now, this is not THE Christmas tree AT Rockefeller Center, but rather A Christmas tree ACROSS THE STREET from Rockefeller Center, but hey! That’s still something! I’ve never been invited to light any tree, so who am I to look down my nose at it, you know?
Sonja shows up and Tinsley and Fudgie and Ramona, and while they wait for the rest to arrive, Sonja reveals to Dorinda that The Countess has added a bit about her to the Christmas show. THE FUCK SHE HAS, is Dorinda’s response, DON’T THINK I WON’T GET LAWYERS INVOLVED.
Dorinda, pissed, then tells Tinsley to tell Sonja what The Countess said about her, and Tinsley explains that at some store opening that Barbara hosted (that the editors clearly didn’t think was interesting enough to include in its entirety), The Countess was telling everyone that Sonja is on goofy pills.
Sonja is OUTRAGED — The Countess goes to a couple of AA meetings and now she’s an expert on substance abuse? COME ON.
So by the time The Countess arrives, both Sonja and Dorinda are SUPER PISSED with her. Dorinda tells her to keep her out of the show, she doesn’t want to be the butt of The Countess’ cheap (and bad) jokes, and she’ll get lawyers involved if she has to.
After making a quip that she clearly thought was genius in a talking head …
… The Countess tells Dorinda that “life is a cabaret,” that she can do whatever she wants with her show, and in conclusion, fuck Dorinda’s feelings.
After assuring The Countess that she’ll do what she has to, Dorinda lights the tree, and Christmas officially begins! At least at the Lotte New York Palace Hotel.
While taking pictures after the big tree-lighting, Sonja tells The Countess that she heard she’s going around telling people that she’s manic and on pills and BITCH, Sonja is going to manic The Countess’s face off. She’s not on pills, SHE’S ON HAPPINESS. And with that, Sonja attempts to click her heels together like a manic leprechaun. She fails.
The next day, Sonja and Dorinda go shopping with Bethenny where Bethenny tells her version of the store opening with Barbara. Bethenny, as usual, was the first to arrive and waited for the others for over an hour. Understandably, then, Bethenny was the first to leave, only to have The Countess roll her eyes when she explained she had to go home to finish decorating her Christmas tree with Bryn.
Dorinda tells Bethenny that she asked The Countess to leave her out of her stupid cabaret show only to have The Countess counter that she’ll do whatever she damn well pleases, and now Dorinda is going to have to get lawyers involved, and Sonja continues to pout about being accused by The Countess of being a pill popper.
But, I mean.
And then it’s time to go to Miami. Everyone but Bethenny (who has some other thing to do before in D.C. or something, who cares) arrives at a completely ridiculous mansion on South Beach, fully staffed with workers whom I can only hope received hazard pay for the nonsense they had to endure.
The typical room-choosing shenanigans ensue, and, as always, Ramona and Sonja claim the master suite, while everyone sighs in exhaustion.
Sonja enjoys a welcome drink — and then doubles and triple downs on them when Tinsley tattles to her that she saw Ramona making out with Harry the Ex.
Meanwhile, Ramona is in the closet, boring a butler with information about her wardrobe as she unpacks 37 outfits for a two-day trip.
Sonja fetches herself another drink before she takes her turn terrorizing the closet staff, specifically a young man named Tej that she mistakenly calls “Taj,” and when corrected, belligerently demands that he change the pronunciation of his name to suit her drunken ramblings.
Downstairs, Dorinda, the native New Yorker, dorindasplains to the Miami bartender how to make a mojito.
None of these people signed up for this.
And that’s when Bethenny arrives. As Dorinda leads her to the room left for her, she tells Bethenny that Sonja is drunk and upset that Ramona hooked up with Harry the Ex, and Bethenny, she’s sympathetic to Sonja: Sonja was with Tom the Ex before The Countess, and she was with Harry the Ex long before Ramona, The Countess or the much-missed Aviva — Sonja is the curator of cock for these assholes.
Meanwhile, Drunk Sonja prepares for dinner by yelling at Ramona for making out with Harry the Ex and then announcing that she’s going to pee in the master suite bathtub. “Please don’t,” pleads Tinsley who explains she wanted to take a bath in that tub while they are there.
No, sweetie, you do not.
Everyone but Bethenny (who is busy being glammed by her glam squad) sits down to dinner. There, The Countess has to stop Drunk Sonja from eating straight off the serving plate, and then announces that she has guys coming over to the place tomorrow night. Drunk Sonja demands to know what kind of guys did The Countess invite: “cabaret guys?” The Countess wonders if Sonja doesn’t trust her to choose quality men, and Drunk Sonja growls no, because The Countess usually just fucks the guys she brings around.
AND WHILE SHE’S ON THE TOPIC, IS RAMONA WILLING TO THROW SONJA A GUY THAT SHE’s BEEN WITH? COME ON, THROW DRUNK SONJA A GUY. AND ADMIT IT, ADMIT THAT SHE MADE OUT WITH HARRY THE EX. RAMONA HOOKS UP WITH SONJA’S GUYS, AND THE COUNTESS FUCKS SONJA’S GUYS.
At this, The Countess orders Drunk Sonja to be quiet, but Drunk Sonja is not going to be drunk quiet, it’s literally impossible. Dorinda explains that while Sonja has the whole fabulous floozie act, when she drinks, her pain at the basic lack of respect her friends show her comes pouring out of her, which is what is happening now. And Dorinda, she may be drunk, but she’s not wrong!
But The Countess and Ramona just keep yelling at Drunk Sonja to quit living in the past, while she screams at them to stop “living in [her] backyard” — which is QUITE the image. Drunk Dorinda tries to defend Drunk Sonja, pointing out that her feelings are hurt and The Countess and Ramona should just tell her they’re sorry. The Countess does not appreciate Drunk Dorinda’s input.
This sets Drunk Dorinda off who again threatens to send a lawyer’s letter to The Countess to prevent her from using Dorinda in her cabaret act. Drunk Sonja reminds The Countess that she TOLD her not to involve Dorinda in her act, and insists that she’s been The Countess’s biggest advocate. Drunk Sonja begins yelling at The Countess that she’s acting like a DIVA and that she needs to GET OFF OF HER HIGH HORSE.
With that, The Countess announces that she’s leaving, she doesn’t have to take this from Drunk Sonja and Drunk Dorinda and clods off to her room.
At this point, Bethenny joins the ladies at the table and has NO IDEA what is going on. She quickly assesses the situation — Drunk Dorinda, Drunk Sonja, both angry about The Countess — and is like, “OK, GOT IT.”
Barbara tries to defend The Countess to Bethenny, but Bethenny explains that The Countess is acting like an entitled ass, and decides, YOU KNOW WHAT, I’m going to go straight to The Countess and tell her this to her face rather than talk shit behind her back.
And Bethenny does just that: she enters The Countess’ room and explains that she’s there to talk not listen. The Countess huffs that Bethenny is there to attack her, and Bethenny explains she’s not, but that The Countess does deserve it. She’s become entitled and let this whole cabaret thing go to her head. Bethenny points out that Sonja is right about The Countess: she shouldn’t be running around telling anyone who will listen that Sonja is on pills, to which The Countess huffs that she couldn’t very well talk to Sonja about it tonight, not in her condition. OF COURSE, SONJA BEING DRUNK AT DINNER THIS NIGHT DOESN’T EXPLAIN WHY THE COUNTESS WAS TELLING EVERYONE THAT SONJA WAS ON PILLS A WEEK AGO, BUT YES, DO GO ON AND EXPLAIN HOW YOU’RE THE VICTIM HERE.
And then Drunk Sonja begins taking a little nap at the table.
Ramona announces that she and Tinsley are going out, and pointedly invites everyone except Barbara to join them. It’s painful.
So while Ramona and Tinsley go upstairs to grab their things, Drunk Sonja rouses from her doze to announce that she’s “hot, [she’s] so fuckin hot” and that Bethenny and Drunk Dorinda are “not hot,” leading Bethenny to tell Drunk Sonja that it is time for her to go to sleep. Drunk Sonja threatens to knock Bethenny out, to which Bethenny invites her to do so, but when Drunk Sonja attempts to get up from the table, either to punch Bethenny or to go to bed, she slips and smashes her chin on the marble table on her way down.
The most amazing part of this gif is not Drunk Sonja hurting herself, but Drunk Dorinda’s complete lack of response. JUST LOOK AT HER.
TO BE CONTINUED!
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.