The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Grilling Me Softly”
May 7, 2019
Ah, the camping trip. Or “camping” trip.
The ladies, VanderMinus Lisa, are loaded up into a luxury tour bus, and driven an hour outside of Los Angeles to the Ventura Ranch KOA campgrounds where they will spend one (1) night.
For this overnight jaunt, Rinna packs her entire house, including several changes of clothes and some wire cutters for good reason other than she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Kyle shows up in faux riding boots, explaining that there might be bears and she needs to be prepared. And Denise brings muffins. Which, as it turns out, she did not need to do as Teddi (or Teddi’s assistants) had already prepared an elaborate charcuterie plate for the tour bus.
You know, camping.
On the way to the campgrounds, they swing by a grocery store to pick up hamburgers and hot dogs for dinner. They spend over $700.
They are camping for one (1) night.
They arrive at the campground where they discover that they will not, actually, be staying in tents, but “Glamour Tents” complete with a queen bed, refrigerator, microwave, and futon/couch. Or as Rinna puts it, “It’s better than where I stay when I film QVC.”
The women set up a beer pong table — and, honestly, I have no idea who this item belongs to:
Dorit? HARD NO.
Denise? Doesn’t seem the type but maybe from back in her Charlie Sheen days.
Rinna? Unlikely but possible.
Teddi? Is Little Miss Life Coach even allowed to drink beer?
I’m going to go with it belongs to Teddi’s husband, Good Ol’ Whosit, and that it was left on the bus from the last time he took it out “camping.”
And despite the fact that Dorit is far and away the least likely of these women to have even drunk a beer, much less played beer pong, she turns out to be a natural at the game.
Erika, who seems like she would be down for a bit of beer pong, instead heads up to the main house for a massage.
YOU KNOW: CAMPING.
After a round of beer pong, the women have a snack, and someone asks Kyle if she regrets going over to PINK HOUSE that day …
She insists that she doesn’t regret going over there, but she does regret the outcome. Dorit whines that she doesn’t understand why Lisa is VanderAngry with her — she didn’t do anything. But Rinna reminds her that Lisa was always originally VanderAngry with her, and this whole Lucy Lucy thing was her punishment. And Rinna, she’s not wrong.
Dorit pouts that Lisa couldn’t be clearer and that she and Grandpa Ken drew a line in the VanderSand, and Erika, who has returned to the group by this point is like, “Fuck that VanderBitch.”
I might be paraphrasing a bit, but the sentiment is the same.
Later the women go out for what they call a “hike” but is actually a five-minute walk to the campground’s climbing wall. Kyle whines the entire way about snakes, ticks, and Zika virus.
At the climbing wall, the women strap into harnasses, and Camille decides to reveal that she has used a strap-on with one of her previous boyfriends (?) Kelsey (?) it’s unclear. But in any event, it is a lot of information to have to contend with.
The women race each other up the climbing wall except for Kyle who has a panic attack halfway up and has to slowly be lowered back to the ground. But also: points to Dorit who beats Teddi to the top of the wall, she’s winning this entire camping trip.
The women return to their “tents” and begin grilling diner, and there is some debate as to whether or not to put oil on the grill for the hamburgers. Camille does not put any oil on the grill, the hamburgers begin to stick and fall apart, and it is left to Dorit and Teddi to tell her she’s a dumbass who doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing.
As the women sit down to eat, they realize no one is currently receiving a massage and send Denise up. They then discuss Camille’s impending wedding, noting that neither Erika nor Denise will be able to attend. Kyle asks if Lisa has RSVanderP’d, and Camille sighs that she’s not going to come. Teddi tells her that if she really wants Lisa to VanderBe there, Camille should make the effort to call her — not text her — and let her know how much it would mean to Camille if Lisa were to VanderAttend. Camille, however, huffs in an interview that Teddi is inserting herself into conversations she has no business being in … and I don’t know, 1. They were talking as a group, 2. I thought it was actually sound advice and 3. It demonstrated that Teddi cared about Camille’s happiness. So why is Camille being a bitch about it?
SO. After dinner, they manage to build a fire without hurting themselves, and Denise rejoins them from her massage, joking (“joking”) that she didn’t receive a happy ending. The women laugh and someone asks if there even are places where women can get happy endings. Denise replies yes, and adds that Aaron had never had a happy ending, so they were “on the hunt” to get him one. Rinna, trying to contain her shock, asks, “Why? He wanted one?” To which Denise explains that no, she wanted him to have one.
Denise explains — or “explains” because this doesn’t make any damn senes to anyone — that he was the only guy she had ever been with who had never had one, and she wanted him to try it.
The women ask if he liked it, and she replies that he was “fucking mortified.”
Oh, Denise. You think he was mortified then? JUST WAIT UNTIL HE FINDS OUT YOU TALKED ON NATIONAL TV ABOUT HIM GETTING A HANDJOB FROM A STRANGER.
The only woman who is nonplussed by the idea of any of this is Erika who shrugs that she doesn’t know any man in her life who hasn’t slept with a prostitute, which just makes me very sad for her.
The women ask Denise if SHE’S ever had a happy ending, and she replies very matter-of-factly that she has …
… but that she didn’t plan for it, it just happened. Denise begins feeling judged, but the other women insist they are NOT judging.
They are judging.
Rinna demands to know more sexytimes secrets, and Camille, who has already discussed her strap-on experience at least with the audience, offers that she has massaged a prostate or two in her time. And that’s solid, but it’s not at the level of I-actively-sought-out-a-handjob-for-my-boyfriend-because-I-have-been-brainwashed-by-every-man-I’ve-been-with-to-believe-that-all-men-are-by-the-very-fact-of-their-gender-entitled-to-a-little-anonymous-prostitution. Whoops, looks like I’m judging too.
Dorit excuses herself to the bathroom, and while she’s gone, Camille asks Kyle how things are with Dorit’s insufferable husband. Kyle explains that he sent her a text the night before claiming that he had too much to drink at the concert and
things “flew out” of his mouth that he didn’t mean. Teddi counters that you don’t say things you don’t mean, but Kyle insists he wasn’t being malicious.
That’s when Dorit returns and Rinna blurts out that they were talking about her insufferable husband. Kyle assures Dorit that it’s fine, men say stupid shit, and that’s when Teddi decides to insert herself into the situation again, explaining that the whole exchange made everyone uncomfortable and Dorit’s insufferable husband’s attempt to cover his ass just made things worse.
Teddi continues to suggest that Dorit and her insufferable husband were being passive-aggressive towards Kyle, and that’s when Camille decides she’s HAD ENOUGH of Teddi’s advice-giving. Camille tells Teddi that she’s a “bright girl for [her] age,” but that she doesn’t need to insinuate herself into every situation, and dear reader, I find myself torn once again: both women are right, and both women are so irritating. With whom to side?
This back and forth goes on for much too long, and eventually, Denise reveals that Camille thinks Teddi has a conspiracy theory that Dorit’s insufferable husband’s comment was planned. And the proof? A previously not-aired clip of Kyle and Teddi leaving the concert venue moments after Dorit’s insufferable husband made his insufferable dig in which Teddi says he said it “on purpose” and that he meant it. He did! But a “conspiracy” this does not make.
Anyway, the long and short of it is Camille thinks Teddi is a know-it-all and finds her annoying. The end.
The next morning, everyone packs their giant bags of unnecessary shit, Erika eats an entire pumpkin pie for breakfast because fuck yeah she did …
… and then they all load back up into the luxury tour bus.
On the drive back, the women discuss the pressures of social media and body image on their daughters, including Rinna, whose youngest daughter has an eating disorder. Erika declares that she considers herself an art project and creates whoever she wants to be, and the other women applaud this with a round of “Kumbaya.”
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.