‘The Bachelor’: Let’s talk about sex, babies

The Bachelor
February 24, 2020

I am just going to post this video and call it a day:

Alright! We’re done here, right?

OH FINE.

We begin immediately from where we left off: Purity Ball takes Pilot Peter aside moments after the Rose Ceremony to sit outside and shiver. And Entertainment Weekly tries to explain why he doesn’t offer Purity Ball his jacket here (basically, the producers tell him not to because “it looks … silly”) but I still call bullshit on this. GIVE HER YOUR JACKET, DAMMIT.

Anyway, despite the cold, it takes Purity Ball forever to find her words and tell Pilot Peter what is bothering her: they have a big week coming up and the truth of the matter is if he sleeps with someone else, she is going to have trouble moving forward with this whole thing.

Pilot Peter tries to negotiate with her: “sooo … you’re saying if I spent the night with someone else, you wouldn’t be able to accept that AT ALL or is there a little accepting you could do …” And Purity Ball, she begins to waver, insisting that she’s not giving him an ultimatum, even though that is exactly what she is doing. She sighs that “actions speak louder than words,” and he’s like, “OK, I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR, I DO WHAT I WANT WITH NO CONSEQUENCES.”

Then they all fly to the Gold Coast, Australia, or “down-undah” as Pilot Peter says in a very terrible Australian accent.

start-drinking-rhony

He also yammers about how important the Fantasy Suites are and how his conversation with Purity Ball is rattling around in his head causing some degree of “turmoil” — after all, he’s in three relationships here, what’s he supposed to do, NOT have sex with the three women he brought here to have sex with? COME ON.

Purity Ball is the first to arrive at her hotel suite and she is in the middle of yammering in her monologue about how she’s been dreading this week and she doesn’t want to think about Pilot Peter with other women and this goes against her val– when in walks Van Gogh.

and i oop whoops oh no rupaul jasmine masters

And then over the next few minutes, Purity Ball, Van Gogh, eventually White Lives Matter and the audience come to realize together that for the first time in Bachelor history, the women are all going to be sharing a hotel room during the Fantasy Suites Week because the producers are MONSTERS.

While the women are making small talk about how hometowns went (“really good” White Lives Matter has the audacity to lie), Pilot Peter walks in with a “G’day, Shielahs!” and a “The Sheilahs ‘ave landed!”

can i get an alcohol new girl i need a drink

Pilot Peter notes how awkward this whole week is going to be, especially since THE WOMEN ARE GOING TO BE FORCED TO SPEND A WEEK LOOKING  EACH OTHER IN THE FACE KNOWING PERFECTLY WELL THEY JUST SLEPT WITH THE OTHER ONE’S BOYFRIEND. But anyway, it’s time for him and Van Gogh to go on their date, byeeeeee!

On the daytime portion of their date, Pilot Pete and Van Gogh go jet skiing. It’s just as interesting as it sounds. But points to Van Gogh for using her time to assure Pilot Peter that no matter how frigid Purity Ball might be, no matter how uptight and judgy, what, Van Gogh is here for him. If he knows what she means.

know-what-i-mean nudge nudge monty

That evening, they meet for Pretend Dinner where they talk about how much fun they had and how easy this is and how Van Gogh’s father specifically told Pilot Peter to not tell Van Gogh hat he was in love with her but he did it anyway because YOLO or some shit … anyway, Fantasy Suite, yeah or nah? And Van Gogh is like, “HELL, YEAH.”

hannah ann dad bachelor

And then they go upstairs and do what Fantasy Suites are designed for.

connected-on-so-many-levels

Back at the ladies’ hotel, Purity Ball opens up a little to White Lives Matter about her anxieties about the week and that evening, Purity Ball muses that Pilot Peter and Van Gogh must be getting ready for dinner. “OH NO, BABY,” White Lives Matter corrects her, “They’re getting ready for BED.”

Purity Ball:

shocked dog what omg

its true though jane jackson truth no lie

The next morning, we skip over the in-bed cuddletimes, and instead cut straight to Van Gogh doing the walk of awkward back into the hotel suite. “You look so cuuuuuute …” “You look so tannnn …”

” …”

” … ”

” …”

” … ”

“Alright, well, I’m off to go fuck on my date with Pilot Peter!” chirps White Lives Matter and all but disappears with clouds of cartoon smoke under her feet.

Pilot Peter and White Lives Matter meet for their date, but he’s like, “Before we go anywhere, we have to have a talk about what happened on the hometown date: you can’t just go running away from me when things go wrong. Alright! Great talk! Let’s not look back! Clean slate! Let’s just hurry to the part where we take off our pants because let’s be honest, that’s the only reason I’ve kept you around despite all the red flags you’ve been waving around like you were signaling ships since we met!”

They fly around in a helicopter for a while before eventually alighting on the edge of a VERY tall waterfall where the two perch on what appear to be VERY slippery rocks and the mother in me can not hear a single thing that is being said because MY BRAIN IS SCREAMING AT THEM TO GET AWAY FROM THAT EDGE.

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ABSOLUTELY NOT.

But had I not been brain screaming, what I would have heard was another conversation about their inability to communicate with each other and then Pilot Peter’s justification for keeping her around anyway: that after he left her hometown without meeting her parents, she came to his hotel room and “fought” for them. And with that, they toast to the Producers who orchestrated that whole hotel room scene not giving up.

That night, the two go to Pretend Dinner where they toast AGAIN to not giving up before having YET ANOTHER conversation about their complete inability to communicate. Pilot Peter really wants to understand what White Lives Matter’s damage is, why she is so desperate to fuck this thing up between them? They briefly touch on a previous relationship of hers in which she felt unappreciated and unheard BUT MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE EVERY OTHER SENTENCE OUT OF HER MOUTH IS “I don’t know” or “I’m tryiiiiing” in an infuriating high whine and MAYBE IF YOU WANT PEOPLE TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR FEELINGS, YOU SHOULD START BY EXPRESSING THEM.

She is so annoying, you guys. Like, leaving aside the whole home-wrecking slut thing, and putting away the whole racist thing, just the way White Lives Matters talks would be a deal-breaker for yours truly.

Anyway, at some point, there are animal noises that come from the nearby forest, and Pilot Peter notes that “the monkey agrees.”

There are no monkeys in Australia.

erika girardi be an alcoholic drink shit's over rhobh

Pilot Peter then tells White Lives Matter for the thousandth fucking time to not push him away before giving her the Fantasy Suite Invitation and getting to business.

There is crying. In a talking head, White Lives Matter begins crying over how much she loves Pilot Peter, and how she put him through “so much,” and WIPES HER FACE WITH HER DRESS.

what is wrong with you emma thompson

I MEAN, THE PRODUCERS HAVE TISSUES. THEY ALWAYS HAVE TISSUES. THEY HAVE CANDLES AND VASES AND TISSUES. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE THING.

So, yeah, they finally “communicate.”

connected-on-so-many-levels

Back at the hotel, Purity Ball is continuing to spin out, and she explicitly tells Van Gogh that if Pilot Peter sleeps with anyone it would make her very uncomfortable and she’s not sure that she would be able to continue through this process.

Van Gogh:

sure-right-ok-nick-kroll-whatever-you-say

White Lives Matter returns to the suite the next morning and is greeted with more of that amazing small talk the women are so gifted with: “You look so cuuuuuute …” “You look so skinnnny …”

” …”

” … ”

” …”

” … ”

And then Purity Ball leaves for her date, blessedly, the final one of the week.

Purity Ball meets Pilot Peter at the beach, only to be informed by him that they are going to the top of the tallest building on the Gold Coast, which is 90 stories tall, though the elevator only goes to the 77th floor. They’ll have to walk up the rest — on the outside of the building.

To that end, they put on hideous jumpsuits and harnasses and proceed to … walk up stairs. It is exactly as riveting as it sounds.

That night at Pretend Dinner, Pilot Peter begins by asking her about the whole, “don’t sleep with anyone else” ultimatum that she insisted was not an ultimatum and Purity Ball is like, “Yeah, so what I might have failed to mention is that I’m saving myself for marriage so that the man who marries me will get all of me on that day: body, soul and spirit.”

Pilot Peter is like, “Cool cool cool, but if those are also your expectations for me, that ship sailed a while ago.” Purity Ball is like, “No, I get that, but the bottom line is, I can’t say yes to an engagement if you slept with someone else 6 days earlier.”

Pilot Peter asks her to clarify about 16 times: “So to be REAL CLEAR: you’re saying that you WON’T marry me if I slept with two other women earlier this week? That’s what you’re saying?” Purity Ball is like, “Listen, just getting over the fact that you KISS other girls is hard enough, so, yeah, I’m going to be a stickler on this one, I’m afraid.”

After this back and forth for a while, Pilot Peter decides that he has to be honest: he has “connected” during this week, but he won’t give any more details than that (THANK GOD FOR SMALL MERCIES). Pilot Peter explains that while he can see himself with her at the end of this, he can see that with other people, too, so, you know. He needed to try to narrow it down somehow, right?

With that, Purity Ball excuses herself from the table and goes to cry in a corner. In a talking head, Purity Ball explains that she feels hurt and let down: SHE MADE HERSELF VERY CLEAR THAT THERE WAS A CHANCE HE WOULD LOSE HER IF HE THOUGHT WITH HIS LITTLE PETER, BUT HE WENT AND DID IT ANYWAY.

After a while, Pilot Peter goes and finds her, and tells her that he can’t lose her, and asks if it’s possible for them to get past this, but Purity Ball, she doesn’t know and with that, she walks off, crying.

Alright, so, I have some thoughts on this whole mess. First and foremost, I FUCKING KNEW IT. As I explained in that episode where these two dummies went to dinner and Purity Ball THOUGHT she was being real clear with her messaging by talking about “values” and “faith” and how her father is the “spiritual leader of their family” and blah blah blah, Pilot Peter heard “I’m a Christian who goes to church!” instead of “I’m a Christian who goes to church three to five times a week who is also a virgin and in fact has an almost pathological obsession regarding sex which will only create problems for me down the road and Jesus will be with us in every aspect of our lives if we are to get married one day.” She tried to tell him, but because she used heavily coded language, and because he is from that heathen cesspool Southern California and not the Deep South, he didn’t translate properly. It was all right there had he checked Duo Lingo.

But he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to hear that Purity Ball was a virgin who was saving herself for marriage who has high expectations for the man she is going to marry because that would make this whole thing a little less fun, and a little more real and it would hurt the fantasy that he could simultaneously seriously date three different women without any real consequences. If he had really listened to Purity Ball at any point — on that one-on-one date, on her hometown, after the most recent rose ceremony — he would have known without a shadow of a doubt that sex during the Fantasy Suites would be a deal-breaker for her. SHE MADE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR.

the bachelor I don't know what you're trying to tell me

Don’t worry! My ire isn’t only directed at Pilot Peter! I’ve got plenty in the tank for Purity Ball here too! First of all, listen. Staking out the position that you don’t want to get engaged to someone you know for a fact just slept with two other people a WEEK AGO is perfectly reasonable. In fact, I would go so far as to say, IT’S THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM REQUIREMENT. But all of those are rules for the real world, not the world of televised dating. Because I have something to tell you, Purity Ball, and you might want to sit down for this: YOU ARE ON A TELEVISION SHOW. You are not dating Pilot Peter in real life, you are dating him on The Bachelor, a dating series that is well into its twenty-fourth season. They have been doing Fantasy Suites since BEFORE YOU WERE BORN. You knew EXACTLY what this week would entail when you WILLINGLY AGREED TO BE ON THIS SHOW. And while it is cute to think you could just waltz in here with your virgin ass and demand that the Bachelor live up to your values and standards, that’s not how any of this works. You are not in a position of power here.

And speaking of, WHO DID YOU THINK YOU WERE GOING TO DATE ON THIS SHOW? The man is famous for — and probably got the Bachelor gig because of — having sex four times in one night in a windmill! Now, I know you’re a virgin and probably don’t know how any of this works but I’m here to tell you that a man that has sex four times in one night is not the kind of man who is going to become a born-again virgin. This man has sex, he enjoys sex and he is not giving up sex anytime soon.

And in the end, what we have here are two people with two very different sets of values which is why in the long run this is never going to work out between Pilot Peter and Purity Ball even if they somehow manage to end up on the same page by the end of this season. They clearly like each other, but it is all superficial: neither of them is willing to change their behavior to be with the other and THAT’S FINE. IT MEANS YOU SHOULD NOT BE TOGETHER. MOVE ON AND FIND PEOPLE WHO VALUE THE SAME THINGS YOU DO. THIS IS JUST NOT AS HARD AS Y’ALL WANT TO MAKE IT OUT TO BE.

I swear, this entire season is just one long exhibit on what I’ve been screaming about from the beginning: you can’t really date someone and get to know them while avoiding talking about the three things you are warned to never talk about at a cocktail party: politics, religion, and sex. In fact, those are the ONLY three things these dummies should be FORCED to talk about all damn season long. It would certainly make this whole process go a lot faster.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Peter:

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

4 thoughts on “‘The Bachelor’: Let’s talk about sex, babies

  1. Interestingly, I read an article written by Sharleen (opera singer from Juan Pablo’s season) and she said that the producers SPECIFICALLY do NOT give them tissues most of the time. She said she would ask for them, when crying, and they were like, sorry boo. She said they WANT you to look messy and unhinged. Sigh.

    1. Karen! Thank you for this information — I had never heard that before! Also, thanks for reading!

      -T

  2. It’s suddenly important to me that you know that I pretty much only watch this trainwreck to read your recaps after. And to watch Chris Harrison slowly, slowly die inside. You are a shining beacon of joy and delight in our on-fire world.

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