‘The Bachelor’: It’s the Dreaded Home(wrecker)town Visits!

The Bachelor
February 17, 2020

Typically, the Dreaded Hometown Visit episodes are some of — if not THE — most boring episodes of the season. It’s just four of the exact same dates set in different cities: go on a boring daytime date that probably involves ice cream at some point, meet the parents, pretend to eat boring dinner, and then brush up against some boring but mild familial disapproval.

So imagine my surprise and delight when in this Dreaded Hometown Visit, one of the frontrunners gets called a homewrecker and the Bachelor leaves town without even meeting the family.

true blood did not see that shit coming

So bravo, The Bachelor! I have to credit where credit is due: you managed to surprise me exactly twice in this episode. Maybe even more, now that I think of it, considering the gross tradition of the Bachelor asking the dads for the permission to propose to their daughters was for the first time …

You know what, let’s just leave that to the tape:

let's do this 30 rock tina fey liz lemon

Knoxville, TN

The first visit is to Tennessee, Van Gogh’s home where she takes him to one of those ax-throwing bars so that he can prove that he’s a “real man” to Van Gogh’s father. HEY, ask me if the father is on the date: the father is not on the date. They maybe manage to hit the bullseye three times between the two of them, before Pilot Peter moves on to the chopping a small log portion of the date and let’s just say, I’m not impressed.

After, Pilot Peter sits Van Gogh down and presents to her his own list of “Things I Love About You,” because these two are goddamned fourth graders. Things he loves about her: they have the same opinion on what “true love” is; she gives him butterflies; she has names for all her dresses …

wait go back what

Point is, it’s dumb.

That night, they go to Van Gogh’s home where they meet her sister, mother and her father who is Not Impressed with Pilot Peter.

hannah ann dad bachelor

i hate you don't even know you dave chappelle

Van Gogh first talks with her sister about the “love letter” Pilot Peter gave her and they both cry about a boy liking her SO MUCH that he would make a list for her. I don’t have the heart to tell them that there is nothing a boy — any boy — likes more than making a list of anything and as such, this means nothing.

Meanwhile, Pilot Peter chats with Van Gogh’s mother where he tells her that Van Gogh has told him that she is falling in love with him and that he intends to tell her that he’s falling in love with her, too. Mom is like, “That’s great, but you need to tell that to her father because he’s VERY SKEPTICAL …

hannah ann dad bachelor

… and he’s not going to just give his firstborn daughter to anyone.”

1. Here’s the part where I once again point out that it is gross and backward and patriarchal to suggest that a woman is her father’s property and that Van Gogh is anyone’s to “give.”

But 2. I love Van Gogh’s dad anyway.

And here’s why: when Pilot Peter and Van Gogh’s dad visit, Pilot Peter assures that his relationship with his daughter has been growing and getting stronger. “Yeah, great, but aren’t there still three other women out there that you’re dating?” Van Gogh’s father asks. “Where are you with them?” Instead of answering this very reasonable question, Pilot Peter tells Van Gogh’s father that he intends to tell his daughter that he’s falling in love with her.

Van Gogh’s Dad:

absolutely not no don't stop maya rudolph

Van Gogh’s Dad insists that Pilot Peter not tell his daughter that he’s falling in love with her until he is 100% certain that she is the one, and Pilot Peter is like, “OK, GOT IT.”

He then immediately takes Van Gogh outside and is like, “I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU. OK I HAVE TO GO ON MY DATES WITH THREE OTHER WOMEN NOW GOODBYE!”

hannah ann dad bachelor

Number of Blessings to Marry One’s Daughter Asked: 0.

Des Moines, IA

Champagne Wishes meets Pilot Peter outside the Iowa state capital which I only know because MSNBC’s Katy Tur was living outside of it for a solid 10 days ahead of the recent shitshow that was the caucus.

There, Champagne Wishes explains that they are going to do something “dirty” that is a shared interest: make wine.

To this end, they stomp a small tub of grapes with their bare feet …

bachelor feet wine grapes
Pray for the cameraman.

… before returning to their shoes and tasting some wine to come up with their own blend which, between being made from famous Iowa grapes and combined by two goddamned idiots, I’m sure is delicious.

Over their fifth glass of wine, Champagne Wishes tells Pilot Peter that she’s falling in love with him.

Pilot Peter:

awkward-unfortunate-turn

That night, they go to meet Kelsey’s family:

jerry's family parks and recreation

There, Pilot Peter eats that Iowa culinary classic, crab rangoon, for the first time in his life — because he’s white, but apparently he’s not that white.

Champagne Wishes first visits with her sisters who ask her how it’s going, and Champagne Wishes goes on and on about how she and Pilot Peter have had to overcome a number of very serious situations …

the bachelor champagne in the face

… but have come out of it stronger, able to really communicate with each other and have built a solid foundation.

OK.

Meanwhile, Champagne Wishes’ Mom and Pilot Peter talk.

Champagne Wishes’ Mom:

if you're not careful i will cut you

Pilot Peter:

fox & friends nervous

Champagne Wishes then cries at both her stepfather and her mother for a while before saying goodbye to Pilot Peter. There, he tells her that his “heart has definitely fallen” but … what … what does that even mean? Is he saying he’s falling for her or that he is starting to have feelings for her or that he’s falling in love … with someone else? It’s unclear.

Number of Blessings to Marry One’s Daughter Asked: 0.

Auburn, AL

Pilot Peter heads to Auburn, Alabama, home of Auburn University, where Purity Ball lives and her father coaches men’s basketball. To that end, Purity Ball takes him to the Auburn Basketball Arena where they are greeted by a video of Auburn Alum, Sir Charles Barkley, who threatens Pilot Peter that he better treat Purity Ball well.

And if that isn’t intimidating enough, the two are then met by Bruce Pearl, Auburn’s head coach, who after going on and on about how great Purity Ball’s dad is, puts the two through some dribbling drills:

the bachelor basketball peter clumbsy bad

Seriously, though. That is this entire fucking season in one image.

That night at dinner, the family seats Purity Ball at the “special” plate, which means the rest of the family have to go around the table and, while staring intensely at the “special” person, say something “special” about them — things like, “I would not be the person I am without you,” and “you are so thoughtful with your intentions.”

80s-awakward-cringe-oh-no

Purity Ball’s Dad leads the family in prayer, obviously, and then they cheer with sweet tea, something I only point out because it is VERY IMPORTANT to the Purity Ball family that we all know they are drinking SWEET TEA and not THE DEVIL JUICE because THIS IS A FAMILY OF FAITH.

After, Purity Ball first speaks with her mother who asks why she’s still doing this and Purity Ball is like, “Honestly, I have no idea.” Purity Ball’s Mom then asks if she’s been clear with Pilot Pete about her expectations regarding relationships and Purity Ball is like, “I mean, have I told him that I am a virgin? No. But I was real clear that I like to pray and want to have a submissive marriage, so I think he got the message.”

[He absolutely did not get the message.]

Meanwhile, Pilot Peter talks with her father, where he assures Mr. Purity Ball that he’s falling in love with his daughter.

Purity Ball’s Dad warns Pilot Peter that she is “so pure…”

party down shudder

BUT DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN BY CALLING HER “PURITY BALL?” YOU SEE IT NOW, RIGHT?

Purity Ball’s Dad basically wants to hear from Pilot Peter that Purity Ball is The One, but Pilot Peter is like, “Yeah, the producers would kill me if I said something like that so I’ll just have to live with your mild disapproval.”

Purity Ball then speaks with her father who reminds her, “Jesus Jesus Jesus and Jesus,” and before telling her for what I am certain is not the first time that the day she was born, he prayed over her that she find a good husband …

veep nervous laughter what the fuck

… but that he’s not yet ready to say that Pilot Peter is that man. Purity Ball agrees that she has a lot to think about.

Outside, Pilot Peter tells Purity Ball again that he’s falling “heads over heels” in love with her.

Purity Ball:

awkward-unfortunate-turn

OK, GOODBYE!

Number of Blessings to Marry One’s Daughter Asked: 0.

Virginia Beach, VA

Our final hometown brings us to Virginia Beach where White Lives Matter is playing with her big doofy lab, Buxton, when Pilot Peter meets up with her. They have a perfectly normal date: taking old-timey photos (although the less said about White Lives Matter’s Scarlett O’Hara dress, the better), eating ice cream, listening to some country singer I’ve never heard of (and whom we can only assume White Lives Matters didn’t date, but also, we can’t rule that possibility out, either). He sings a song whose chorus is literally, “I don’t want easy; I want crazy” which even for the Bachelor producers is just a little bit on the nose.

BUT. THEN. A HERO EMERGES.

As Pilot Peter is leaving the daytime portion of the date, he’s approached by a woman with a blurred face, Merissa, whom he apparently dated almost ten years ago. She explains that she moved back to Virginia a while ago, and knows White Lives Matter — she used to be friends with her. She wants Pilot Peter to be careful: he’s a nice guy and does not deserve to be with a home-wrecking slut like White Lives Matter this is not going to be good relationship for him in the long run — she has ruined a number of other relationships. Pilot Peter is all, “WUUUH? THE EMOTIONALLY VOLATILE NUTJOB I KEEP AROUND DESPITE HER DOING EVERYTHING BUT BEGGING ME TO SEND HER HOME IS NOT A HEALTHY CHOICE FOR ME? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING RIGHT NOW? WHAT WITCHCRAFT IS THIS???”

That night, he arrives at White Lives Matter’s house where she is waiting for him outside. She can tell immediately that he’s upset about something, so they sit and chat before going inside. He explains that like their first date, where she had an ex, he had an ex at this date: Merissa.

White Lives Matter:

nervous-sweating-key-and-peele

“Anyway, she basically called you a homewrecking slut: would you care to respond?”

White Lives Matter goes full offensive: I’M JUST DISGUSTED. YOU COME TO MY HOUSE AND SAY THIS TO ME AND THEN EXPECT TO GO INSIDE AND MEET MY FAMILY? I AM SO SICK OF ALL THIS DRAMA ALL OF THE TIME EVEN THOUGH I AM THE PERSON CAUSING A SOLID 98% OF SAID DRAMA. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT I EVEN HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT, I’M DONE IF YOU CAME HERE TO ACT LIKE THAT.”

Pilot Peter:

excuse-me-sopranos

White Lives Matter: “EXCUSE YOU, WHAT?”

Pilot Peter points out that he didn’t accuse her of anything, he just wanted to hear her version of events, but White Lives Matter is still screaming. “YOU BELIEVE MERISSA OVER ME. IT’S MORE IMPORTANT WHAT SHE HAD TO SAY SO I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU RIGHT NOW.”

Pilot Peter asks if she’s giving up on them and she just begins yelling, “I DON’T AGREE. I DON’T AGREE. I DON’T AGREE,” before storming off down the street, sobbing.

Eventually, White Lives Matter returns and sniffles that she was going to tell him that she was falling in love with him tonight, BUT HE RUINED IT. He chides her for giving up on them so easily, gives her a hug and then takes his leave as she sobs in the street, surrounded by her very confused family.

The next day, White Lives Matter comes to the Red Roof Inn the producers put Pilot Peter up in, where she tells him, again, that she’s falling in love with him. Pilot Peter informs her that he thinks 99% of their relationship is “amazing” but 1% “terrifies” him.

1%?

DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW PERCENTAGES WORK, PILOT PETER?

math class is tough barbie

Pilot Peter assures her he’s not going to make his decision right now, and with that, she gives him a copy of their old-timey photo and leaves to sob in front of the elevator.

Number of Blessings to Marry One’s Daughter Asked: 0.

LOLOLOLOL

Finally, everyone is back in Los Angeles for the Rose Ceremony. There’s a lot of blah blah blah of no consequence, let’s just get to it:

Rose #1: Van Gogh
Rose #2: Purity Ball
Rose #3: White Lives Matter

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA PILOT PETER IS LITERALLY THE DUMBEST BACHELOR IN BACHELOR HISTORY

 

putting on clown makeup
Pilot Peter getting ready for this Rose Ceremony.

 

Goodbye, Champagne Wishes. I guess that crab rangoon wasn’t so great after all. Listen. You were not one of my favorites, but you were more mature and emotionally available than any of these three children he has decided to keep around. Take solace in that whatever happens next, no matter who he ultimately chooses, it is going to be a DISASTER. A glorious, hilarious disaster.

But please, for the love of the Bachelor Nation God, do not become The Bachelorette. There is not nearly enough wine in the entire world for either of us to get through that.

you can fly away now captain

After walking Champagne Wishes to the I Don’t Want to Have Sex With You van, Pilot Peter returns to the other women and declares that the sex portion of the season will be sexed on the Gold Coast of Australia.

Purity Ball, suddenly realizing what show she’s on, blanches, and she asks to speak to Pilot Peter alone so that she can spell it out for him that she is a virgin and there will be no windmill sexytimes for her during the Fantasy Suites (or for him with anyone if she has anything to say about it).

Good luck with keeping it in your pants next week, Pilot Peter!

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Peter:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

One thought on “‘The Bachelor’: It’s the Dreaded Home(wrecker)town Visits!

Leave a Reply