February 5, 2020
The next stop on The Bachelor Head Injury Tour: Santiago, Chile.
Before the first date, the women are at an outdoor cafe where Mom Jeans is holding court to explain why she HAD to talk to Pilot Peter at the Rose Ceremony: IT WAS IMPORTANT THAT SHE EXPRESSED TO HIM HOW SHE FELT, YOU GUYS. HE MIGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN THAT SHE WANTED A ROSE IF SHE DIDN’T TALK TO HIM, YOU GUYS. HE NEEDED TO KNOW THAT SHE WAS THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, YOU GUYS.
The other women:
Pilot Peter arrives and asks Van Gogh to explore Santiago with him, and she happily agrees.
“Exploring Santiago” consists of dancing in the middle of a plaza where six one-man bands stomp around with an entire percussion section on their backs; smearing mayonnaise-covered hot dogs in each other’s faces; and chatting partially in Spanish to a couple who has been married for TWENTY-TWO WHOLE YEARS. On the one hand, as someone who will be celebrating her twenty-first anniversary in a couple months, this is a big “so the fuck what” revelation to yours truly; on the other hand, these people have been married a year longer than Van Gogh has been alive; and on a third mutant hand, JESUS CHRIST, I AM OLD.
The couple then takes a funicular up to a knock-off Cristo Redentor statue. There, Pilot Peter asks Van Gogh if she’s ever been in love before, and she confesses that she never has. This gives Pilot Peter a Great Concerned: is she ready for a lifetime commitment? Is she serious about this
or is this just about collecting more Instagram followers and a Tummy Tea deal?
That night at Pretend Dinner, Pilot Peter presses this “never been in love” business, and Van Gogh explains that she was in a relationship with someone for three and a half years, and she cared about him deeply, but was it love? Nah.
I’m sorry … THREE AND A HALF YEARS? And you weren’t in love? But you think you’re going to fall in love and be ready to marry someone AFTER A MONTH AND A HALF?
Pilot Peter finds this an unsatisfying answer as well — but not for the same reason as I do — he just doesn’t think she’s ready while I think she is a LYING LIAR. The point is, he gets up and wanders away from the table to go stare pensively in the alley for a while and talk about how this is VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS.
Van Gogh, realizing that she is about to mess this up, follows Pilot Peter outside and musters up some tears. Somehow, this is enough to convince Pilot Peter that she is Very Serious about this too. “This is what I want to see,” he says as if this isn’t the most revealing and fucked up thing he’s said so far this season.
SOBBING FOR NO GOOD REASON DOES NOT EQUATE BEING EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN A RELATIONSHIP AND IN FACT, IT IS DEFINITELY A SIGN THAT SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY TERRIBLY WRONG. EVERYONE NEEDS TO GROW THE FUCK UP.
He gives her the date rose because gross.
At the hotel, two date cards arrive at once but somehow it is NOT the dreaded two-on-one. Instead, the first is a group date card: “Alabama City, Come Hither, Champagne Wishes, Miss Louisiana, Purity Ball, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Ally McBeal, and Mom Jeans: ¡Luces, camara, accion!”
As for the second date card: “White Lives Matter: I feel like we didn’t get a fair shot.”
Mom Jeans decides that THIS IS IT, SHE’S JUST GOING TO GO HOME, WHY IS SHE EVEN BOTHERING.
… For about five minutes, and the next day she is on the group date.
The group date finds them at a telenovela studio where the women are given ridiculous Party City costumes and a half-baked script that finds Pilot Peter making out with all of the women and finally finding true love with Mom Jeans the Maid.
Oh, and Chris Harrison has a role:
At the after-party, Pilot Peter visits with Champagne Wishes, yawn. More interesting is he takes Miss Louisiana aside and out of nowhere is like, “this isn’t going anywhere, I don’t think you’re ready to get married, I’m sending you home right now, goodbye.”
And I’m not saying that it’s a little suspicious that the day after she was eliminated, Miss Louisiana appeared at the Miss Louisiana pageant to help crown the new Miss Louisiana and future Bachelor contestant and that it’s obvious that she negotiated an elimination from the show so that she was there in the nick of time, I’m just saying that is a thing that happened.
And so we must say goodbye to Sob Story, a.k.a., Miss Louisiana. See you in Paradise with Miss Texas, ma’am.
That bit of business taken care of, Pilot Peter chats up Purity Ball, claiming that he has written an additional telenovela script just for the two of them and she seems to believe that he literally wrote it instead of some underpaid production assistant. Oh, sweet naive angel baby.
Meanwhile, inside, Mom Jeans is gloating about having been cast as the love interest in the telenovela and yammering about how much she loves showing her “funny” side. This irritates Rowdy Roddy Piper because wasn’t this bitch just 24 hours ago packing her shit and threatening to go home because she didn’t receive the one-on-one date? Rowdy Roddy Piper asks her if she is faking all of this, and Mom Jeans is all “I AM HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS AND JUST BECAUSE I AM 22 DOESN’T MEAN THAT I AM NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE.”
This is a thing that is said:
… and then everyone is screaming at each other. There is so much screaming.
When Pilot Peter returns inside, Mom Jeans is waiting to tattle on Rowdy Roddy Piper and Pilot Peter is like, “Jesus, just ignore her.” Mom Jeans takes this as meaning he is definitely in love with her, so when Pilot Peter gives Purity Ball the date rose instead of her, Mom Jeans is pretty sure it’s all Rowdy Roddy Piper’s fault.
The next day, Pilot Peter and White Lives Matter go on their second one-on-one which involves a Chilean rodeo, horse dancing, ponchos, climbing beneath horses for some reason and exactly zero ex-boyfriends.
After, they sit in the back of a wagon where White Lives Matter sniffles that she is struggling with this whole thing and getting into her own head about the other women and in short, dating a guy who is dating NINE OTHER WOMEN ISN’T COOL. Pilot Peter, he is shocked, SHOCKED! by this.
That night at Pretend Dinner, the conversation continues, and Pilot Peter is all, “Why can’t you just trust this process? And by ‘trust the process,’ I mean be cool with me dating a bunch of other women and possibly take me home to meet your parents and then maybe go to the Fantasy Suite portion of the ‘process’ where you know I’ll be making the sex with two other women and then, if you’re lucky, be one of two women I consider making my wife, but you won’t know if I’ve chosen you until you get all dolled up and then pour your heart out to me on national television? Why can’t you just be down with all that?”
And then there’s a lot of White Lives Matter refusing to make eye contact and insisting that she does want to be here, just not here here, before heading to the bathroom where her story changes from “being too in her head about the other women” to Pilot Peter is clearly there to get married and she’s not sure she is ready to get married? Especially to this piece of soggy white bread?
Eventually, she returns to the table and explains that she does like him, and she doesn’t know why she’s acting this way. “Good enough!” Pilot Peter declares and he gives her the date rose that she clearly does not want at all.
The next day, ahead of the Rose Ceremony, another card arrives: “Mom Jeans and Rowdy Roddy Piper: Meet me at the cocktail party before everyone else arrives. Enough is enough. Pilot Peter.”
Mom Jeans is all, “Well I saw this coming. He heard you screaming at me at the after-party and so even though I was upset with the idea that you might (but did not) talk to him about me, I went and talked to him about you. Because I will not stand for you coming for me.”
So, these two dummies, they walk in together, and as they wait for Pilot Peter to arrive, Mom Jeans announces that she has something to say to Rowdy Roddy Piper, SO PLEASE DO NOT INTERRUPT HER. Mom Jeans goes on to deliver a hilariously self-important tirade about how she is a STRONG WOMAN who has FOUND HER VOICE and at the end of the day, she is PROUD OF WHO SHE IS and KINDNESS ALWAYS WINS.
I just need to know how many times she practiced this little speech in her hotel room. Can someone please find this out and get back to me/
Rowdy Roddy Piper:
Pilot Peter eventually arrives and speaks to each of the women. Rowdy Roddy Piper rants about how Mom Jeans is here to create her brand and is not there for the right reasons and she’s trying to start Instagram hashtags, and Pilot Peter is like, “Yeah yeah yeah, Mom Jeans whatever. But let’s be honest, do you really think there is something between the two of us? I mean, we’ve talked, what, three or four times? If you look deep into your heart, don’t you think it’s more likely the only reason you’re still here is because the producers are LOVING all the drama you’re creating?”
Pilot Peter then chats with Mom Jeans, where she explains that the reason Rowdy Roddy Piper has a problem with her is because Mom Jeans encouraged everyone to focus on Pilot Peter and not The Drama, and Pilot Peter is like, “Really? Really though? You really think that you’re not focused on The Drama? You, the woman who packed her bags because she didn’t like the date she had been invited to? ARE YOU SURE?” Mom Jeans insists that she just cares about them SO MUCH and deserves a chance. THEIR LOVE IS WORTH IT.
The women are stuck waiting together again, and there Rowdy Roddy Piper and Mom Jeans exchange insipid insults: “Don’t lead with your emotions …” “DON’T LEAD WITH YOUR ANGER.” “I’M NOT AN ANGRY PERSON.” “YOU’RE NOTHING TO ME.” “I’M EVERYTHING.”
And that’s when Pilot Peter returns and sends Rowdy Roddy Piper home. Goodbye, Rowdy Roddy Piper! Thanks for all the fights!
But don’t be too smug there, Mom Jeans, because unlike a traditional 2-on-1 date, he didn’t offer you a rose …
And sure enough, the other women line up for the Rose Ceremony and:
Rose #1: Champagne Wishes
Rose #2: Come Hither
Rose #3: Ally McBeal
OH DAMN. This means the mysterious Alabama City is sent home — a development I did NOT see coming. Mom Jeans is also sent packing, having just ten minutes earlier believed she was triumphant over her nemesis, Rowdy Roddy Piper. What I would have given for the producers to have been waiting with a camera at the airport trained on Rowdy Roddy Piper’s face when Mom Jeans walked in …
On her way out, Mom Jeans cries that she just doesn’t understand why he didn’t send them both home at the same time (because that’s not as funny, duh), but insists that “this girl right here is tough and strong and she’s powerful and she’s beautiful and she knows what she deserves more than anything. And even though I wanted to end up here in love I feel like I’m more madly in love with who I am than anything.”
GIRL. LISTEN TO ME: YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. Just hope that you get the Paradise call (she will — they love nothing more than a crier down in Mexico) and spend the next six months working on those hashtags of yours. GOODBYE.
Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Peter:
The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.