‘The Bachelor’: Fake it until you make it (right off the show)

The Bachelor
January 20, 2020

The morning after Champagnegazi, Round Two blew up (Round One being when Van Gogh took Champagne Wishes’ champagne which she had been saving for a special occasion and Round Two being when Van Gogh then whined to Pilot Peter that Champagne Wishes was bullying her) both Van Gogh and Champagne Wishes are stomping around the McMansion, sobbing about HOW UNFAIR IT ALL IS to anyone who will listen.

The other women are like, “If I have to hear one more GODDAMNED word about champagne …” and encourage the two women to sit down and hash it out.

Champagne Wishes objects to being called a bully (after having called Van Gogh a bitch, a princess and telling her to stay the fuck away from her) and Van Gogh objects to being called a champagne stealer (after having stolen — perhaps accidentally — some champagne).

Oh, and this happens:

i don't even really like champagne bachelor

what the fuck are we doing here seth meyers why what

Elsewhere, the one-on-one date of the week, it happens. Pilot Peter picks up Sob Story in an old pickup truck, drives her to a country-western clothing store where he picks out some boots and a tacky red cowboy hat for her and teaches her the basics of two-stepping and line dancing. He then explains that he is taking her to a dance hall that he frequents with his friends, and here I am expecting one of those full-on “meet my friends and they are going to grill you endlessly” awkward dates, but when they arrive at the dance hall, there’s no one there but a bunch of Bachelor fans in jorts and cowboy hats. Yee-haw or whatever.

That evening, they have Pretend Dinner in an airplane hanger because DO NOT FORGET THAT HE IS A PILOT, DAMMIT. There, right on cue, Sob Story shares her sob story. For those of you who did not read the preliminary, “Meet the Dummies” post, Sob Story’s dad died when she was young. Her mother then became a drug addict, and Sob Story had to take care of herself and her younger sister, sometimes with nothing more to eat than a salted potato. This 18th-century Irish peasant life found them in and out of shelters until their mother got her shit together. Anyway, she dreamt of a better life, here she is, everything is fine now. Pilot Peter gives her the pity rose, the end.

Back at the house, Miss Texas has had a few glasses of wine, thrown on the pilot’s cap from someone’s date, I don’t even know who’s and I do not care, and is drunkenly going on about how she’s not Little Miss Perfect and how she would absolutely join the Mile High Club with Pilot Peter. Which would be difficult if he was flying the plane, but sure.

As the group date card arrives, Alabama City is grousing that Miss Texas is a big fake faker and that there is something off with that girl. Hey, guess who’s on the group date together?

“Contortionist, Hubba Hubba, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Ally McBeal, Air Sickness Bag, Non-Consensual, Alabama City, and Miss Texas: I love surprises. I hope you do, too.”

The next morning, while the women are still sleeping, the McMansion is invaded by our old friend, Red Flag and two women who appear to be roller derby chicks. They march into the women’s bedrooms and begin attacking the sleeping women — indiscriminately — with pillows. Which, had you been someone who was not on this date, WOULD NOT BE CUTE.

The women are herded into the living room where Red Flag hands out personalized bags of outfits for the women on the group date, instructs them to put them on and informs them that Pilot Peter will be there in an hour to pick them up. In the bags: mostly pajama sets, some lingerie (or “linger-ee” as poor miss Contortionist pronounced it — BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I’m not going to be mean about this because it is clearly a situation where baby girl read this word but has never heard it pronounced, and she is doing her best.)

leave britney alone

Basically, everyone gets sexy little outfits to wear except for Non-Consensual who is stuck with what she calls a “muumuu” but is really a grandma nightgown. She is DISPLEASED.

The women are loaded onto a party bus and driven to what is described as a “SALOON” (Question for Bachelorette viewers — is this the same place where Rachel brought her men for a wrestling competition? It sure looks like it. Does ABC own the place or something?) where a ring has been set up for their competition: Extreme Pillow Fight Club.

wanda-sykes-is-judging-you-disapprove

Ladies in lingerie, hitting each other with pillows like some sort of 8th-grader’s fever dream? Cool. Very feminist and very cool.

Also, the moldering corpse of Fred Williard is there for some reason, but the less we talk of it, the better for everyone’s dignity.

The Producers Red Flag eventually chooses Miss Texas and Alabama City for the “championship” round, and in the end, Miss Texas pulls out the win to Alabama City’s undisguised irritation.

That evening, Miss Texas wears her winning crown to the cocktail party and is the first to take Pilot Peter aside to chat. There she repeats the whole thing about how she is not this sweet and innocent pageant girl, and how she’s ready for that pilot wife life.

gag-gross-no

When she returns to join the other women, Alabama City is waiting to POUNCE. After Miss Texas burbles about how special Pilot Peter made her feel, Alabama City is like, “Yeah, super. Hey, do you like have a job, like, at all? Or is this pageant thing all you do?” Miss Texas at first laughs that she has three jobs, as a matter of fact, before explaining that Miss USA forces its contestants to quit their jobs.

SIDEBAR: Is that true? The very little I can find about it suggests that if she were to win Miss USA, she’d have to do that as her job for the year, but I’m not seeing anything about state titleholders being forced to quit their jobs. SOMEONE WHO KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT THIS LET ME KNOW, I NEED TO KNOW.

Basically, Alabama City accuses Miss Texas to her face of being a fake pageant girl who turns on when the camera is nearby and Miss Texas is like, “WHAT DO YOU EXPECT, BEING A PAGEANT GIRL BEEN THE PAST EIGHT YEARS OF MY LIFE.”

Meanwhile, Pilot Peter visits with Ally McBeal who talks about how she doesn’t fit in on this bullshit show and she’s out of her comfort zone. You know, because she’s an actual educated professional and not an Instagram influencer pushing “tummy tea.”

Later, Pilot Peter has his moment with Alabama City who immediately begins yammering about how she is concerned he is connecting with a woman who is not at all what she seems, whose personality changes the minute she sees the cameras turn on, and who is just not being genuine with him. Pilot Peter, remembering all the drama with Shower Jesus on Hannah’s season, has a concerned.

And to address this concern, Pilot Peter gathers all the women together, explains that he has received some information that someone amongst them is not being genuine, and he doesn’t want to be blindsided. And with that, Pilot Peter asks Alabama City who, exactly, she was shit-talking?

Alabama City:

seance smoking smug dinner party from hell rhobh

To her credit, Alabama City explains that she was referring to Miss Texas. Miss Texas demands to know if anyone else feels this way about her and everyone suddenly finds the ceiling VERY INTERESTING. Pilot Peter, meanwhile, sighs heavily and leaves again, while Miss Texas pulls a HOW DARE YOU with Alabama City.

Miss Texas then catches up with Pilot Peter, and explains that she has no idea what Alabama City is talking about, she is very confused and freaked out and blindsided, and she begins crying about how she wouldn’t be there if she didn’t feel something for him. And because he’s an idiot, Pilot Peter explains in an interview that he is VERY CONFUSED. On the one hand, Alabama City said this one thing! But on the other hand, Miss Texas said the opposite thing! WHAT TO BELIEVE?

And then Pilot Peter offers the date rose to Alabama City, so I guess we know how he’s leaning.

The next morning, Chris Harrison arrives at the McMansion with news for the women: there will be no cocktail party, but instead a pool party before they head into the rose ceremony. So put on your bathing suits and maybe a coverup of some sort because it appears to be about 65 degrees outside and absolutely no one will get into the pool.

shining so cold ice snow

When Pilot Peter arrives, he first asks to speak to Alabama City, so as to apologize for putting her on the spot and name names. Alabama City is like, “No problem. But I want you to not take my word for it, but see for yourself. Don’t be distracted by the pretty faces; really look and see how fake some of these women are. BECAUSE OMG SO FAKE.”

Wait … so you’re telling me that women who have been taught and groomed to give a performance of an idealized woman based on a patriarchal construct, one that requires women to be pretty and nice and non-confrontational and non-threatening — and then who are judged based on that performance, that they might be insincere?

gasp in shook shocked rupaul

So, while Miss Texas is airing her grievances to whoever will listen (Mom Jeans and Van Gogh, as it turns out), Pilot Peter is chatting with the other women and asking them their opinion on Miss Texas.

Champagne Wishes (who also happens to be Miss Iowa 2017, so she knows from what she speaks): Pageant girls know how to turn it on and be manipulative.

Come Hither: Miss Texas turns it on the moment she sees the cameras.

Little Red Corvette: Oh, for sure, she’s fake. She’s a pageant girl. Didn’t you date a pageant girl? How do you not know this?

Purity Ball: They don’t talk about it, instead they just sort of hum at one another.

Meanwhile, Miss Texas and Alabama City have another little chat where Miss Texas reiterates, “HOW DARE YOU!” And Alabama City is like, “Look, if you end up with him,¬† your little Miss Texas veneer won’t hold up forever. I’m actually doing you a favor here, if you think about it.”

Miss Texas announces that she is DONE crying and being weak and decides she needs to address this with Pilot Peter himself. After having heard from almost every woman in the house that yeah, duh, the pageant girl is a big pageanty fake, Pilot Peter comes into the conversation with Miss Texas a bit guarded and skeptical of her. However, after she assures him that she “can’t fake it” and that she is a “horrible liar” and that he gives her butterflies, Pilot Peter is like, “WELP, I’M CONVINCED.”

rupaul sigh can't what disbelief exasperated

Miss Texas, thrilled that she’s put this all behind her like her Miss San Antonio title, returns to the other women, victorious.

But. Meanwhile. Pilot Peter has a chat with Sob Story. She notes that she already told him that she had been Miss Louisiana …

that is brand new information friends what scratch

HOW MANY MISS USA CONTESTANTS ARE THERE THIS SEASON? DO THE PRODUCERS JUST PULL UP TO THE BACKSTAGE AREA OF THE MISS USA PAGEANT AND SHOVE ALL THE LOSERS INTO A VAN AND DRIVE THEM DIRECTLY TO THE MCMANSION? WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING HERE?

So, as I was saying, Sob Story Miss Louisiana, she didn’t spend much time with Miss Texas during the Miss USA pageant, maybe a total of three hours, but before taping began, Miss Texas asked her to not tell the Producers that they knew each other. Miss Louisiana doesn’t really understand why Miss Texas wanted her to lie, but it definitely happened.

Pilot Peter is stunned by this and returns to talk to Miss Texas. There, he explains that multiple women have brought up questions about her sincerity and honesty, and asks her directly if she asked Miss Louisiana to not tell the Producers that they knew one another. Miss Texas fumbles around for a while before landing on that she had, but it was because she was worried that the fact that they knew each other from the pageant would disqualify both of them (this despite the fact that the Miss North Carolina/Miss Alabama fight from Colton’s season was the best thing that happened to the Producers last season). Pilot Peter is like, “OK, well, I gotta say, this looks dishonest and terrible on your part so I have to go walk around now while you sit here and quietly sob, bye.”

And with that, the “pool party” is over.

As noted, there is no cocktail party, we just go straight to the rose ceremony, so put on a dress ladies, and line up:

Rose #1: Champagne Wishes
Rose #2: Van Gogh
Rose #3: Come Hither
Rose #4: Little Red Corvette
Rose #5: Purity Ball
Rose #6: Air Sickness Bag
Rose #7: Ally McBeal
Rose #8: Contortionist
Rose #9: Rowdy Roddy Piper
Rose #10: Non-Consensual
Rose #11: Windmill Costume

But before he gives out the twelfth and thirteenth roses, Pilot Peter has to go for another little walk. While he’s gone, Chris Harrison appears and REMOVES ONE OF THE ROSES.

the bachelor bekah gasp shock oh no

Rose #12: Mom Jeans

With that, we must say goodbye to Denise Huxtable; Hubba Hubba (which apparently people are upset about? y’all need to get some hobbies); Chick-Fil-A; and Miss Texas.

Behind the scenes, Pilot Peter sighs very heavily about this, wondering if he made the right choice, and worrying that this doesn’t feel right to him. BOY, NO. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT SHE IS A BIG FAKE FAKER WHO FAKES? ARE YOU THAT DUMB? ARE YOU REALLY THAT DUMB?

Dear Reader: Based on the teaser promo for the next episode that hints that Miss Texas might return, I worry that he might be just that dumb.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Peter:

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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