‘The Bachelorette’: Slinging mud

The Bachelorette
June 5, 2017

I KNOW I KNOW THIS IS SO LATE I AM VERY SORRY I AM HURRYING TO GET THE NEXT ONE UP I SWEAR STAY TUNED FRIENDS!

So, DeMario? What do you have to say for yourself, buddy? That you wish that when you saw your ex(?)-girlfriend, Lexi, sitting in that gym that you had owned up to the fact that you were a shitty boyfriend to her and maybe hadn’t quite broken up with her before joining the cast but that the situation was complicated and this has been a valuable life lesson and that to experience joy, one must experience pain and that you would like a second chance to prove yourself worthy to the “woman of [your] dreams”?

Ok. Got it. But you can take that lesson that you have supposedly learned and take it with you back to the Get the Fuck Out van already.

i disgust her doll
Or as Rachel put it before emotionally castrating DeMario: “What I saw in the gym, that was a boy. I’m looking for a man.”

Having thoroughly destroyed DeMario, Rachel returns to the cocktail party and waves off the men’s concern. “Oh, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Just be sure your own houses are in order because I AM NOT PLAYING AROUND HERE,” Rachel tells them.

Tickle Monster, determined to find novel ways to be as creepy as possible, assaults Rachel with giant hands. Ok, but some questions:

  1. Why?
  2. Why?
  3. Why?
  4. Why?
  5. Why?
  6. Where does one even find giant creepy hands if one wanted to, which one does not because OH FUCK NO?
  7. Why?
  8. Why?
  9. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, WHY?
bachelorette giant hands no.gif
What did the five giant fingers say to the face? “I AM CREEPY AS FUCK.”

Oh, and he tries to tickle her again because no one taught this guy boundaries when he was a child.

As for the other guys, Vacuum Guy solves a Rubik’s cube to try to prove that he’s VRY SMRT; PrettyBoy Pitbull shows Rachel pictures of his daughter; Urkel flirts.

Rachel then visits with Whaboom, who tells her with as straight a face as he can muster — which is to say not particularly straight — that he thinks Drummer Boy might have a crush on him as he woke up in the middle of the night to find Drummer Boy standing over his bed, licking a banana.

Drummer Boy, however, is unable to confirm this story for Rachel.

what no michael bluth arrested development

And then it’s time to thin the man herd. LINE UP, CREEPS.

Rose 1: El Lengua del Amor
Rose 2: Fireman Bryce
Rose 3: Eric the Good Dancer
Rose 4: Mr. Serious
Rose 5: Urkel
Rose 6: Tickle Monster
Rose 7: JACK STONE!
Rose 8: The Penguin
Rose 9: Vacuum Dude
Rose 10: Doll Daddy
Rose 11: PrettyBoy Pitbull
Rose 12: Captain Literal
Rose 13: That Singing Guy
Rose 14: No Socks
Rose 15: Old Classmate
Rose 16: Diggy

Which means goodbye, Mike Pence. I don’t even know what to say about you as you literally had zero screen time. Maybe try being platonic friends with a woman? It won’t sting, I promise! And goodbye, Whaboom and Drummer Boy. Time to take your bananas and protein shakes and whabooms and weird personal feud and go back to Marina del Rey.

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… or, as the case may be, out to the Breakup Driveway to yell at one another about which of them is the bigger garbage clown. Just a very good fight, guys.

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The next morning, Chris Harrison informs the men that there will be two group dates and one 1-on-1 date with roses available on each, and now if you’ll excuse Chris Harrison, he’s going to leave before he passes out from the chest wax and body spray fumes.

“El Lengua del Amor; Tickle Monster; Diastema; Vacuum Dude; Urkel; Old Classmate: Lights, camera, action. Come join me on the set of Ellen.”

Dear date card writer:

Is there something wrong, honey? You didn’t even try this week. No dumb puns about dancing or talking or jump scares or silly games or lesbians or television … it’s like you’ve just given up. Has this show finally broken you?

Concerned,

Therese

Rachel and Ellen watch the men as they arrive at the studio, Rachel telling Ellen a little about each one, including that Tickle Monster constantly tickles her, and Ellen recoils. “THAT’S HORRIBLE, WHY IS HE STILL HERE?” Ellen asks.

Indeed, Ellen. Indeed.

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On the show, Ellen first brings out Rachel and questions her on whether she’s kissed anyone yet. Rachel confirms that she has and that it was unexpected and that it “swept her off her feet.” Backstage the men who have not yet kissed her because they have been too busy pawing at her with creepy giant hands and solving Rubik’s cubes proceed to FREAK OUT.

Once on stage, Lengua del Amor can’t resist bragging that he is one of the men who has kissed Rachel, and Urkel chimes in that he did, too, to which Lengua del Amor replies that Urkel got his “sloppy seconds.”

lady mormont game of thrones angry disgusted

A reminder: Gentlemen, it is never acceptable to refer to a woman as “sloppy seconds.” Never. Not ever. Never ever ever. Never.

After making clear her disapproval of Lengua del Amor, Ellen orders the men to strip off their shirts and dance for the audience. DANCE, MONKEYS, DANCE.

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Some of the men find dollar bills shoved into their pants. Tickle Monster is not one of them.

Ellen then challenges the men to a game of I Never, where we learn who has hit on someone while on a date with someone else; who has thought about having sex with Rachel (supposedly not all of them, LOL OK); who has peed in the McMANsion pool (Vacuum Dude who will now be known as Golden Showers); who has texted nudes; who has hooked up with a woman twice his age (Old Classmate who clearly has a thing for older women); and which of them have kissed Rachel — about half of which have — and which sends Old Classmate into a tailspin as he is not among them.

That evening at the cocktail party, Rachel has conversations with each of the men, including Old Classmate who declares that THIS IS IT, HE IS GOING TO KISS HER, FOR REAL, NOT KIDDING, HE’S GOING TO DO IT. Once alone with Rachel, he proceeds to ask permission to kiss her, which earns him an arched eyebrow and a declaration that he just made it awkward. Rachel allows him to kiss her despite the fact that he just ruined the moment* and Old Classmate is pretty sure it was so good that he had visions of the two of them walking down the aisle.

The feeling wasn’t mutual, however, and moments later Rachel is walking Old Classmate out to the You Go Home Now Schoolbus.

Bye, Old Classmate. You never had a chance, bub. However, you handled the rejection exceptionally well, noting that you can’t force her feelings. Frankly, you deserve better. Please do not go on Bachelor in Paradise looking for better.

i disgust her doll

Oh, and Rachel gives the date rose to Golden Showers after he babbles some nonsense about making a “left-eye-to-left-eye” soulmate connection which Rachel thinks makes him sound “smart.”

Yeah, it’s definitely his intellect that you’re attracted to, Rachel.

alex lap dance bachelorette.gif

 

The next morning, Mr. Serious explains that he received the 1-on-1 date card that read “Mr. Serious: Meet me at the rodeo,” which he assumes means they will be bull riding even though they are in Los Angeles and whatever they will be doing will obviously involve Rodeo Drive. Which it does! What I failed to anticipate was that this simple play on words would somehow not be “Texan” enough for the producers, and that horses would be involved.

In fact, not only are Rachel and Mr. Serious put on horses to ride down Rodeo Drive, but they are then encouraged forced to ride said horses into boutiques because that’s how all Texans shop.**

that is a true story godfather.gif

They then have a super boring dinner and she offers him the super boring date rose and he accepts it super boringly and they dance to some super boring smooth jazz and it is all so super boring.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the group date card arrives: “Captain Literal, Kewpie, Doll Daddy, PrettyBoy Pitbull, Fireman Bryce, That Singing Guy, JACK STONE! Eric the Good Dancer: Sometimes in the relationship, the women have to take charge.” So obviously they are going bull riding.

When Mr. Serious returns from his date, Eric the Good Dancer begins venting a bunch of insecurities about the whole situation, something about people being played or playing someone, and I can’t tell if he’s suggesting that Rachel is being insincere or if the other men are being insincere or if everyone is being insincere? At any rate, No Socks basically tells him to shut it and Eric the Good Dancer is like, “No, YOU shut it!” and so No Socks goes upstairs and everyone is like, “Good one, Eric the Good Dancer. You showed him.” I have no idea what any of this was actually about.

office-karen-shrug

The next day, Rachel arrives for her group date with some guests: CorWinn, SOOEY! Warrior Dancer and Left Shark who are going to use their unimpeachable judgment to help Rachel pick through the men.

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The group loads onto a party bus where the women demand that the men pole dance for their lives, and the men oblige. While PrettyBoy PitBull is hanging upside down from his ham thighs, SOOEY! begins to asking the men who they think is trouble, and apparently Fireman Bryce and That Singing Guy both offer up Eric the Good Dancer as the sacrificial lamb to the One True God of Right Reasons.

They finally arrive at their destination: some honkytonk where the men will be mud wrestling, because as soon as they cast PrettyBoy PitBull, wrestling was going to be on the agenda, duh.

Wrestling, wrestling, wrestling, so much wrestling, and eventually our PrettyBoy PitBull is bested by Fireman Bryce, somehow, which frankly seems unfair as PrettyBoy PitBull deserves extra points for the moment in one match when he pinned That Singing Guy down while blowing a kiss to Rachel. YOU’LL ALWAYS BE THE WINNER AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED, PRETTYBOY.

Oh, and this horror show is still happening:

doll goes mud wrestling
WHYYYYYYYYYY

While the men clean up, Rachel asks the women which guy they like, and it’s almost unanimous: Kewpie Doll, because the ladies apparently like them some non-threatening baby faces. The other women also tell Rachel that they heard from some of the men that Eric the Good Dancer is “not here for the right reasons,” and she’s like, “O RLY.”

That night at the cocktail party, PrettyBoy reveals that he also has experience as a Chippendale’s Dancer.

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You don’t say.

As for Eric the Good Dancer, he spends his time talking to Rachel about feeling vulnerable, and she responds by informing him that the other dudes — specifically Fireman Bryce and That Singing Guy — are saying that he’s not here “for her” and that his motives aren’t pure. Eric the Good Dancer, completely unsurprisingly, is infuriated by this information, and returns to the other men with some questions. Namely: “WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?”

Fireman Bryce is all, “uhhhhhhhhh…” but That Singing Guy comes up with a novel defense: what he meant was that Eric the Good Dancer has the least amount of relationship experience and said himself that he’s never been in love which, obviously, disqualifies him from being capable or worthy of love and Q.E.Duh, Eric the Good Dancer should not even be on the show. That Singing Guy then adds that when he saw Eric the Good Dancer yelling at No Socks for whatever he was yelling at No Socks about, it changed his perception of him. “I still love you to death,” That Singing Guy keeps saying to Eric the Good Dancer, “I still love you to death!”

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And after all that, Rachel offers Eric the Good Dancer the date rose, so suck it, That Singing Guy.

At the rose ceremony cocktail party, No Socks first takes the opportunity to take Rachel aside and bitch some more about Eric the Good Dancer, tattling that Eric the Good Dancer was wondering about how real Rachel was being, and adding that their conversation became heated. “Noted,” says Rachel.

To his credit, No Socks then sits Eric the Good Dancer down and informs him that he told Rachel this. Though they exchange a few words, they seem to end the conversation on a friendlyish note.

But That Singing Guy, he’s not done with Eric the Good Dancer yet. He also takes Rachel aside and also tattles that Eric the Good Dancer was screaming at No Socks and that it was all too much for his delicate sensibilities, and he got the vapors.

Rachel is like, “ALRIGHT FINE,” and finds Eric the Good Dancer to demand to know if he was yelling at No Socks and if he was questioning whether or not she was being real. He swears that he is being misrepresented, so she tells him that she is going to choose to believe him — this time — and lets him off with a warning.

Eric the Good Dancer HAS HAD ENOUGH and gathers the men to insist that they KEEP HIS NAME OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS. WHY IS HIS NAME IN ALL OF THEIR MOUTHS? KEEP IT OUT.

KEEP.

HIS.

NAME.

OUT.

THEIR.

MOUTHS.

keep my name out of your mouth stefon snl saturday night live.gif

And we’ll have to leave it there, with Eric the Good Dancer’s name in everyone’s mouth because we get the dreaded: TO BE CONTINUED … IN EVERYONE’S MOUTH.

Wait, that sounds wrong.

Below are the men who have been sent packing:

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Below are the men still in the running for Rachel’s affections.

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*I, for one, think it’s kind of sweet that Old Classmate asked Rachel for her permission to kiss her. While I understand Rachel’s feeling that kisses should be spontaneous and about the moment, consent is never a bad thing.

**THIS IS NOT HOW TEXANS SHOP. EVER. NEVER EVER.

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and would appreciate you keeping its name out your mouth.

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