Bachelor in Paradise
September 17, 2019
NO TIME FOR CHIT-CHAT. I’VE GOT THREE MORE HOURS OF THIS PABULUM TO GET THROUGH. LET’S GO.
Our four remaining couples: Empty Gift Box & Humphrey Bogart; Red Flag & Kristian; Smug Chris & V-Card; and Play-Doh and Miami Mami are all driven to the resort where they are able to take showers and wash the damn sand out their hair and crevices before they head off to their final dates, the dreaded OVERNIGHT FANTASY SUITE DATE.
Blessedly, we are spared the “date” part where everyone talks over Pretend Dinner, and instead, just get to the part where the couples decide whether or not to use the Fantasy Suite:
Empty Gift Box & Humphrey Bogart: ABSOLUTELY
Red Flag & Kristian: YEP!
Smug Chris & V-Card: HELL YES
Play-Doh and Miami Mami: Well, now, let’s slow down and think about this for a minute.
To Miami Mami’s horror, Play-Doh explains that he thinks that they should spend the night apart and really think about what they want to do next. Mami is all, ” SO YOU’RE BREAKING UP WITH ME?”
And Play-Doh is like, “I mean … … … no?”
Bless her heart, Mami is so close to getting it, to really accepting and digesting the fact that he’s just not that into her. SO CLOSE! But in the end, she sends him away without dumping his ass and then spends the night staring morosely at the fireworks the producers arranged, wondering what the next day will bring.
SPOILER ALERT: IT WON’T BRING AN ENGAGEMENT.
But ever the optimist, she shows up the next morning to Paradise in a fancy gown, meets Play-Doh on the proposal platform, tells him that she loves him and then demands to know if he loves her, yes or no?
Listen. There are no stupid questions.
… Except this one.
“I’m not there yet,” answers Play-Doh. So Miami Mami finally, FINALLY! says adios once and for all to this pendejo.
V-Card & Smug Chris:
They wake up together, and Smug Chris tells V-Card that he’s falling in love with her, and he’s not scared to tell her so. So many expectations being set! This will definitely end very well!
They head to the proposal platform where they agree that their road has been unique and ridiculous and sometimes stupid (sometimes?) and then he proposes and she accepts.
Empty Gift Box & Humphrey Bogart:
They get engaged.
Red Flag and Kristian:
These two go to the proposal platform, declare their undying love for one another, Red Flag proposes, and Kristian accepts.
With that, Chris Harrison closes Paradise and we are done.
EXCEPT OF COURSE WE ARE NOT DONE. The thing that took me four minutes to write only actually ate up one of the three (THREE!) hours of this season finale, so it’s off to the Bachelor studios for the next interminable two hours.
Some — but crucially not all — of the residents of Paradise are in attendance (huh, well look at that … no Play-Doh or Miami Mami. Cowards.), and after a long montage, Chris Harrison decides to begin by picking at the weird John Paul Jones and Charlie Brown’s Teacher scab. Charlie Brown’s Teacher is like, “Yeah, it was strange and I did not see it coming from that guy, but I’m over it. I just think John Paul Jones owes Krystal with a K and Mr. Entitled an apology for ruining their wedding.”
John Paul Jones agrees that “what happened” was “unfortunate.” This is not an apology.
Chris Harrison asks Tahzjuan about calling Twin #1 a “pigeon” and herself a “seagull,” and Tazhjuan is like, “UH, IT’S A METAPHOR, BITCH.”
Chris Harrison then wades into the volatile Zoolander/Highwaters situation, but not before pointing to the two giant security guards flanking the stage. SHENANIGANS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.
Zoolander tries to argue that any aggression on his part was because he was defending himself, but Mike Johnson is like, “Nope,” which just pisses Zoolander off even more and causes him to overreact. But instead of just letting the dummy self-implode, Highwaters stands up and starts screaming at Zoolander to come over and apologize. In short, everyone comes out looking like assholes except for Red Flag who shouts over everyone: “ACT CIVILIZED! IT’S JUST A TV SHOW!”
And then Chris Harrison calls Cowboy over to the proverbial “hot seat” and is like, “DUDE.” And Cowboy is all, “Dude?” And Chris Harrison is like, “DUDE.”
Translation: “What were you thinking having sex with half of the cast before you set foot in Paradise?”
“I didn’t think I’d get caught? And all the ladies said it as cool, so what’s the big deal?”
Chris Harrison asks Miss North Carolina for her perspective and she’s like, “Look. I know before we came to Paradise I agreed that we shouldn’t make a big deal out of what happened between us. But then I felt ignored by Cowboy and that he was treating me like a dirty little secret. I overreacted, for sure, and for that, I’m sorry. BUT YOU PUBLISHING SELECTIVE PRIVATE TEXTS BETWEEN THE TWO OF US TO TRY TO SHAME ME WAS UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY AND YOU FUCKED OVER MY LIFE.”
Cowboy gets really defensive about this terrible thing that I had somehow completely forgotten that he had done and is like, “I mean, 1. I didn’t think people would slut-shame you because I am apparently an extraterrestrial who knows nothing about your Earth culture, 2. I had to defend myself by only publishing private texts that appeared to exonerate my own behavior, it was important — to me, and 3. I took them down! No harm, no foul!”
Everyone to Cowboy:
The rest of the cast begs him to just apologize to the now sobbing Miss North Carolina for publishing the texts. He makes some mealy-mouthed noises about how he’s sorry about how people treated her but does not apologize for publishing the texts. He remains the fucking worst.
Chris Harrison then brings out three married Bachelor in Paradise couples. I do not care.
Next, Chris Harrison invites Piggyback Ride to the “hot seat.” There, she admits she made a mistake by dumping John Paul Jones and reveals that a couple of weeks after leaving Paradise, she flew to Maryland (MARYLAND? HE LIVES IN MARYLAND? THEN WHY DOES HE SOUND LIKE ONE OF BRODIE’S SURFING HENCHMEN IN POINT BREAK?) to tell him that she wants to start seeing him in real life. A camera crew films the whole thing. The crowd goes nuts.
But bummer alert! They have already broken up.
V-Card then comes out alone and not wearing her engagement ring. Seems being engaged to someone who isn’t actually in love with you isn’t much fun and she cries and cries about how she “empties” her “tank” and Smug Chris does nothing to replenish it. Here’s what I will say: I am grateful she didn’t use the term “love tank” because I know that’s what she was thinking, but she must have mentioned her “tank” about five times in ten minutes and with every mention, it drained my sympathy tank just a little bit more.
Anyway, Smug Chris comes out and joins them and is like, “Wow, so you’re just out here airing all our dirty laundry and making me out to look like a Goddamn monster? Cool. I guess I have to say something to make me look better here: so, I love you? And I didn’t feel pressured by a bunch of reality show producers to propose to you? It was definitely all my choice because I am definitely all in on this relationship? So will you please put your FUCKING RING BACK ON and stop MAKING ME LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE?”
And she does! The ring is put back on and they kiss and everyone claps because HAPPY ENDING!
Except, when we come back from commercial, they are out in the parking lot where he pretty much says exactly what I typed up there and to absolutely no one’s surprise, they’ve since broken up.
Chris Harrison then chats briefly with Empty Gift Box and Humphrey Bogart who are still in love and totally fine and still planning to get married to no one’s surprise. YAWN.
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just realized I’ve never shared the lock screen pic on my phone soooo here we are. what do y’all think @dylanbarbour will comment on this one?? —- this was BTS on our I Do For You music video shoot for the talented @dilloncmusic! suchhh a fun day in Nashville ✨ pic: @angelinaoliva
And then Chris Harrison visits with Red Flag and Kristian who are very sweet together. Kristian takes the opportunity to propose to Red Flag and she says yes and there are rose petals that fall on the stage and it’s A Moment.
I regret to inform you that they have also broken up.
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What has always been at the forefront of our relationship is love and care for one another. Our priority is doing what is best for us. With a heavy heart full of love for one another we have decided it is best for us to take a step back from our relationship. We ultimately want what is best for us in the long run and for us right now, that means being apart and growing individually. We have felt so much love and support from you all as you’ve followed our journey together and for that we are grateful. We will forever be proud of the impact our love story has made and we hope it has helped others feel more accepted and confident within themselves. We hope it reminded others they aren’t alone and don’t need to be ashamed of who they are. And we hope it shows that two people can love one another in different ways and for us right now that is apart. But we remain committed to encouraging each other, supporting each other and continuing forward in a way best for us.
Finally, Chris Harrison reveals the least secret secret: Pilot Peter is the next Bachelor (IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU, MIKE JOHNSON) which brings us to tonight’s premiere. I wish I had something pithy to quip about Pilot Pete as the Bachelor, but like Pilot Peter himself, I’ve got nothing interesting to say.
See you tonight. Bring A LOT of box wine.
The rejects who made it through Paradise:
The rejects who have been further rejected:
Bachelor in Paradise aired this summer. Just, why.