I struggled with what to lead with today, because 1. there’s not a lot of TV news out there right now — it’s something of a TV news dead zone until September 22, And 2. the biggest (and stupidest) story of the day which involves our brain-addled president, a hurricane and a Sharpie marker, it isn’t really a TV story? But it kinda is? But not?
You know what, let’s just go with it.
A timeline of the idiocy:
Sunday: President Tweetsalot tweeted that among the states in the path of Hurricane Dorian was Alabama, a state that was not in the path of Hurricane Dorian.
In addition to Florida – South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama, will most likely be hit (much) harder than anticipated. Looking like one of the largest hurricanes ever. Already category 5. BE CAREFUL! GOD BLESS EVERYONE!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 1, 2019
This was long after the cone of uncertainty had turned away from the Gulf of Mexico, and the National Weather Service in Birmingham, Alabama tweeted within twenty minutes that Alabama was not, in fact, in danger:
Alabama will NOT see any impacts from #Dorian. We repeat, no impacts from Hurricane #Dorian will be felt across Alabama. The system will remain too far east. #alwx
— NWS Birmingham (@NWSBirmingham) September 1, 2019
The Meteorologist-in-Chief then went to FEMA where he continued to talk about how Alabama was in danger. It was not in danger: “And Alabama could even be in for at least some very strong winds and something more than that, it could be,” he said. “This just came up, unfortunately. … So, for Alabama, just please be careful also.”
NARRATOR: It had not just come up.
Then, Monday, when journalists were like, “Hey, Alabama is not in the cone of uncertainty,” President I AM ALWAYS RIGHT had a meltdown on Twitter, completely predictably
….when in fact, under certain original scenarios, it was in fact correct that Alabama could have received some “hurt.” Always good to be prepared! But the Fake News is only interested in demeaning and belittling. Didn’t play my whole sentence or statement. Bad people!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 2, 2019
BUT THEN, THEN, yesterday the motherfucker doubled down, held a press conference in the Oval Office and showed off a hurricane map that had been altered with a black Sharpie marker that put Alabama magically in the cone of uncertainty:
Trump displays map altered with marker showing Dorian's path extended toward Alabama https://t.co/sFG6LnOWpZ pic.twitter.com/wZL0waxrW2
— The Hill (@thehill) September 4, 2019
When asked about the OBVIOUS Sharpie job, President Can’t Even Lie Well responded, “I dunno.”
Reporter just asked Trump about the map: "It looked like someone took a Sharpie…."
Trump: "I don't know. I don't know." (But Potus insists several times that Alabama was in the Dorian's path despite evidence to contrary.) https://t.co/2S92ndpnB1
— David Nakamura (@DavidNakamura) September 4, 2019
But then, this morning, SO MAD that this didn’t end the controversy, he tripled down on this utter bullshit:
….Instead it turned North and went up the coast, where it continues now. In the one model through Florida, the Great State of Alabama would have been hit or grazed. In the path it took, no. Read my FULL FEMA statement. What I said was accurate! All Fake News in order to demean!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 5, 2019
This was the originally projected path of the Hurricane in its early stages. As you can see, almost all models predicted it to go through Florida also hitting Georgia and Alabama. I accept the Fake News apologies! pic.twitter.com/0uCT0Qvyo6
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 4, 2019
Alabama was going to be hit or grazed, and then Hurricane Dorian took a different path (up along the East Coast). The Fake News knows this very well. That’s why they’re the Fake News!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 5, 2019
This whole mess obviously led to a Twitter explosion:
The White House has released this photo of Hurricane Dorian causing massive destruction in Birmingham, Alabama. #SharpiePresident pic.twitter.com/JtRb9lN2qS
— Middle Age Riot (@middleageriot) September 5, 2019
Focusing on the important stuff. #SharpiePresident pic.twitter.com/FiW1yNWUzA
— Infrastructure Week Redux (@GettingNumb) September 5, 2019
#SharpiePresident He was right about the planes and our Revolutionary War Troops! pic.twitter.com/pVgGCUsTBX
— Renie H (@ChiCrimRene) September 5, 2019
New official @WhiteHouse photograph proving that @realDonaldTrump does not have small hands #sharpiegate #SharpiePresident pic.twitter.com/gdwiYsQz4h
— Ian David Marsden (@iandmarsden) September 5, 2019
Winner of the popular vote by a billion to zero. #sharpiegate #SharpiePresident #TrumpSharpie pic.twitter.com/wddVoxp9m7
— Layman's Terms (@Laymanterms48) September 5, 2019
Finally some respect! #SharpiePresident pic.twitter.com/ria5nA6q4I
— Vryimpatnt (@Henri__Moser) September 5, 2019
As you can imagine, there are a million more of these. And it is funny! Sharpiegate might actually be the single stupidest thing he has done in this presidency — and that includes trying to buy Greenland, nuking hurricanes, “covfefe,” serving McDonalds to people at the White House, and insisting that Texans went out on boats to “watch” Hurricane Harvey. But it’s also 1. illegal:
18 U.S.C. §2074 makes it a crime to issue a counterfeit weather forecast, claiming that it was issued by the Weather Bureau.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) September 23, 2014
and 2. dangerous on two levels, both literal and existential. As I am sure you can understand (especially those of us who live in Hurricane Alley), it is dangerous to have the most powerful man in the country give citizens false information about an emergency. It could potentially create chaos, undue worry and unnecessarily dangerous conditions for thousands of people.
But on an existential level, it is INCREDIBLY dangerous to have someone in the White House who is just fundamentally incapable of admitting a mistake, incapable of just saying, “I had been looking at earlier predictions of the path of the storm and misinterpreted them to potentially show landfall in Alabama. I am sorry for any confusion it may have created and I am praying for everyone in the path of this very dangerous storm,” and move on.
But because he is the living rebuke to the expression, “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts,” he is never able to admit a mistake. As a result, President Big Brother is actively determined to bend reality to his will, no matter who that might harm. A category five hurricane is dangerous enough, but imagine if this were a mistake about an international emergency. Actually, you don’t have to imagine anything: just look at what is happening with North Korea, Iran and our tariff war with China because this sociopath can not admit that he is wrong about anything and that just because he believes something doesn’t actually make it so.
Anyway, dangerous times we’re living in! But did you see that one tweet with the inauguration crowds? LOL.
You lie all the time. #sharpiegate #SharpiePresident pic.twitter.com/PHsFwc9b5T
— momofgirls 🆘 (@njmerritt) September 5, 2019
Ugh. So. And when our president wasn’t lying about hurricanes, he was busy harassing Debra Messing. Again. About something different: Debra Messing liked a tweet that was an image of a church sign that called black Trump supporters “mentally ill.” She apologized for it and added that she is concerned about black voters being targeted for voter suppression by the GOP. President Sharpie took the opportunity to try to slam her as being racist and compared the situation to Roseanne calling Valerie Jarrett a monkey.
….said what she did, even being on a much higher rated show, she would have been thrown off television. Will Fake News NBC allow a McCarthy style Racist to continue? ABC fired Roseanne. Watch the double standard!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 5, 2019
And just leaving aside the wild hypocrisy of President Go Back to Where You Came From calling anyone else a racist, just putting that aside, what bums me out about this story, what worries me is that I don’t know that we as a nation will ever really be able to move to a race-blind society if we can’t even agree on what racism looks like. Blerg.
In actual TV news
Happy 25th birthday, Friends! You are now the same age as your characters were when they lived in those ABSURD West Village apartments.
Obviously, Andy Cohen wants Bethenny Frankel to remain in the Real Housewives universe: “… it was just so fun to have her back and she brought so much to the show that I just am living in the gratitude of her second return. I will hopefully live in the gratitude of her third return, because we are much like the mob — you can’t get out.”
Every season, we the viewers spend some 7,000 weeks watching Bachelor in Paradise. In reality, filming only lasts about three weeks. What I’m saying is that the producers of Bachelor in Paradise have managed to disrupt the time-space continuum.
MIND. BLOWN.:
Fun Fact — Dark Crystal: The Age of Resistance design supervisor Toby Froud is no stranger to the fantastical world of Jim Henson … he was also the baby in the truly iconic 1986 movie Labyrinth! pic.twitter.com/un7E4H379B
— Netflix US (@netflix) September 4, 2019
The Steven Universe movie is not the end of the Steven Universe … universe.
Looking for a Halloween costume? How about Sexy Bob Ross? No, I am not kidding.
Janice Min is leaving Quibi, the second high-level departure in a month. Hmm.
There’s still time for you guys to tell me which new fall show I should hate blog. Right now, it’s a drag-out knock-down fight between Evil and Emergence, but Stumptown is not far behind. If you need to learn more about the series themselves, check out all of the trailers here, and then vote in my poll below. You can vote as often as you’d like for the next three two-ish weeks:
Renewal
- Big Brother has been renewed for a 22nd season and Chenbot will be back to host.
Cancellation
- The Detour has been canceled at TBS.
In Development
- Brain Trust, a sci-fi drama, is being developed at NBC.
- NBC is also working on a cryonics drama.
- Einstein, a German police procedural, is being developed at CBS.
- Netflix has ordered a bunch of South Korean projects.
Casting News
- Will Poulter will star in the Lord of the Rings series at Amazon.
- Chris Cooper is joining Homecoming on Amazon.
- Kevin James will star in The Crew on Netflix.
- Tony Revolori, Georgia King, and John Stamos will recur on Royalties at Quibi.
- Indya Moore and Tom Felton have joined the cast of A Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting on Netflix.
- Danielle Moné Truitt has joined Deputy at Fox.
- Kearran Giovanni, Geoffrey Cantor, Michael Paul Chan, and Erinn Westbrook will recur on The Resident this season.
- Sam Keeley, Gage Golightly, Cristina Rodlo, Jeremy Tardy, and Nicholas Coombe have been cast in 68 Whiskey on Paramount.
- J. Bernard Calloway has been cast in The Ms. Pat Show on Hulu.
Mark Your Calendars
- It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia returns on FXX on September 25.
- Mad About You returns on Spectrum on November 20.
- Return to Downton Abbey: A Grand Event will air on NBC on September 19.
- Robot Chicken will return on Adult Swim on September 29.
- In Search Of will return on History on October 4.
- Declassified and This is Life with Lisa Ling will return on CNN on September 29.
- The Casagrandes will debut on Nickelodeon on October 14.
- “Countdown to Christmas” begins on Hallmark Channel on October 25.
- More importantly, here’s what’s coming to Shudder this Halloween season. Haven’t seen Channel Zero, “The Dream Door” yet? Here’s your chance.
- And an extended director’s cut of Midsommar is coming exclusively to Apple TV on September 24.
WATCH THIS
Sunday Night Football: No, it’s not Sunday, but NBC has the rights to “Sunday Night Football” and apparently the first game of the season so here we are. Packers at Bears. 7 p.m., NBC
Spin the Wheel: Two-hour season finale. 7 p.m., Fox
The Naked Gun marathon: But only the first two movies — or, specifically, the first 2 1/2. 7 p.m., The Movie Channel Xtra
Late Night:
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Kendall Jenner, Desus & Mero, Tanya Tucker featuring Brandi Carlile
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Sen. Bernie Sanders, DeRay Mckesson, Carter McLean
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Pete Buttigieg, Graham Norton
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Orlando Bloom, Yvonne Strahovski, O-Town
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Kirsten Dunst, June Diane Raphael, Clairo
- Lights Out with David Spade: Anthony Jeselnik, J.B. Smoove, Annie Lederman
THUR | 7:00 | 7:30 | 8:00 | 8:30 | 9:00 | 9:30 |
ABC | The LEGO Movie | Reef Break (new) |
CBS | Young Sheldon (repeat) |
Young Sheldon (repeat) |
Big Brother (new) |
FBI (repeat) |
CW | The Outpost (new) |
Two Sentence Horror Stories (new) |
Two Sentence Horror Stories (repeat) |
News/Local |
FOX | Spin the Wheel (new) |
News/Local |
NBC | Sunday Night Football: Packers at Bears (live) |
Wait, I get to vote more than once? Does Bill Barr know about this?
Just pretend you’re a Russian hacker.
Vote early and vote often comrades.