‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: The truth shall set you free

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Fifty Shades of Shade”
March 19, 2019

Hello, darlings. So listen, I know this post is three months late. I KNOW. But I was already way behind and then Game of Thrones returned and there were eleventy-nine cancelations a day and the Upfronts were happening and my child was graduating from high school and I had exactly 100,000 other things to do other than think about a bunch of millionaire ladies squabble over a rescue dog, I’m sorry.

But I am back — for now. Full disclosure: I’m leaving town again pretty soon, so the chances of me catching up with this season before the reunion happens are slim to none, but I will recap all of these episodes whether you read them or not.

This episode begins with Kyle swinging by Mauricio’s office to establish that Sophia is doing fine at college, that Mauricio keeps tequila at his desk and that they can’t fit lunch into their respective schedules? Cool. Glad we cleared that all up. Very good use of my time.

Over at Dorit’s house, she hosts a photo shoot for her swimsuit line, working as one of the models herself, obviously. Erika comes over with a variety of fuck-me-pumps and plenty of creative direction, like “GUTS IN, TITS UP, ASS OUT,” which is really just good advice for life in general.

After the photo shoot, Dorit tells Erika about the text messages between Teddi and This John Blizzard Person that Lisa dramatically VandeRevealed to her, text messages that clearly demonstrated both collusion and obstruction. While Dorit is angry with Teddi for not being truthful with her, she is also still irritated with Lisa for not taking VandeResponsibility for her own role in this whole mess and feels like two people she thought were her friends teamed up to fuck her over, which they MOST DEFINITELY did. Erika instructs Dorit to only trust herself.

Elsewhere, Teddi meets with her hiking therapist where she lays out her version of the story: Some people from VanderDogs, namely This John Blizzard Person, were calling her saying that this crazy thing happened with Dorit and a VanderDog — and there were some details that she was fed which we had not heard until now, like the dog was turned over to a kill shelter and that Dorit locked the dog in her basement for months at a time. Teddi, already disinclined to like Dorit was OUTRAGED, so when VanderDogs said Lisa wanted Teddi to take Dorit VanderDown, she was too happy to help until she wasn’t. BUT! She didn’t come entirely clean to Dorit about all of this because she wanted to protect her … from something … somehow …

… THE POINT IS, she’s owning it now and Lisa is VanderNot and so Teddi guesses this makes her the better person, right?

Meanwhile, Lisa VanderHosts Denise and two of her daughters at PINK HOUSE where they meet the VanderPonies and Lisa’s pack of purse VanderDogs. The only interesting thing that happens is the VanderPonies escape their pen, and run around with the purse VanderDogs for a minute. That’s it. Denise and Lisa agree to meet Kyle for dinner where they can talk shit about the other women without kids listening in.

Later, Denise chats with her quack fiancé about their upcoming wedding. She has to instruct him to not wear something he ordered from Amazon. It is not interesting. He is not interesting.

Sometime after this, Kyle meets Lisa for dinner where she reveals that her mediocre Paramount series, American Woman, has not been renewed. And before we move on from this, a word or two about American Woman: I watched all of the episodes, and it was just … eh. It was neither funny enough to work as a comedy, or grounded enough to be a respectable drama, and, despite upsetting Kim and Kathy to the point of alienating them from Kyle, it was never gossipy enough to satisfy looky-loo fans of the Real Housewives, which I suspect Paramount thought was what it was getting when it greenlit the series. Anyway, R.I.P. show, I guess. I hope the Richards sisters can start speaking again now that you’re dead and buried.

Kyle and Lisa briefly discuss Denise’s wedding, and how Kyle can’t attend because Mauricio’s office is having another party for itself. Lisa VanderSpeculates that the wedding is being rushed because Denise is pregnant, but Kyle reminds her that Quackery’s divorce from Nicollette Sheridan has just been finalized. I mean, that still doesn’t explain the rush — it’s not like you HAVE to get married within a month of your divorce or anything — but whatever.

And that’s when Quakery and Denise — who is AS HIGH AS A KITE — join them, and High Denise spends the entire evening talking about Quakery’s enormous penis.

Kyle and Lisa are equal parts curious and mortified for Quakery, and they agree that they’re not sure who Denise is marrying, Quakery or his member. (But ultimately, does it really matter which?)

As for Rinna, she meets Camille at some restaurant where Camille is planning to hold her 50th birthday party. This prompts some discussion from Rinna about how as a woman in Hollywood, you’re washed up when you turn 50, and to stay young-looking you have to find the right combination of doctors and potions. And while I find the whole Hollywood obsession with youth and beauty not just gross but also deeply damaging to our entire culture, I have to give Rinna props for her honesty about the situation, because none of these other bitches are willing to be honest about the lengths they go to to look as good as they do.

As for Camille, a survivor of Kelsey Grammer, domestic abuse and motherfucking cancer, she’s just happy to see 50.

After they make small talk about the restaurant’s dumb cocktails, Camille brings up the whole VanderDog mess, noting that it sure feels familiar: after all, Lisa VanderConvinced her to confront Taylor about being abused …

… and Lisa VanderManipulated Rinna to suggest that Yoyawnda was faking her Lupus symptoms …

… and now it looks like Lisa was trying to VanderUse Teddi to assassinate Dorit’s character. What’s interesting is that Camille seems less concerned with Teddi — who is her and Rinna’s equivalent in this scenario — than she is with Dorit … until she isn’t. Soon, Camille is talking shit about Dorit and how fake she is.

Rinna:

Finally, Camille’s birthday party. Denise, Teddi, Erika, and Dorit arrive ahead of Lisa and Kyle, and so after thirty minutes of arrival footage, Dorit confronts Teddi, telling her that SHE’S SEEN THE TEXTS.

Teddi:

But then she comes clean … sorta … claiming that yes, indeed, she was involved BUT NONE OF IT WOULD HAVE EVER HAPPENED IF NOT FOR LISA VANDERPUMP. The two women and Erika go outside where Teddi explains that Lisa VanderSought her out because of Teddi’s shitty relationship with Dorit, and Teddi, she was willing to play along, you know, because of her shitty relationship with Dorit. But then, when Lisa put on a huge VanderPerformance once the cameras were turned on about how she DID NOT WANT TO VANDERTALK ABOUT ANY OF THIS, DARLINGS! Teddi knew she’d been used and she didn’t like it.

It’s around this time that Kyle and Lisa arrive, and see Teddi and Dorit speaking.

Kyle:

Meanwhile, Teddi is busily telling Dorit that this is the first time in her life she’s ever done something like this to someone and she is terribly sorry. And Dorit, she’s ready to forgive because at least Teddi is owning what she did, UNLIKE SOMEVANDERBODY.

Eventually, all the other women join them on the patio, including Lisa, who first VanderAnnounces that she wants to move on from this whole thing before VanderAccusing Teddi of being guilty of lying by omission, and that she was shocked! VANDERSHOCKED! to see the texts between Teddi and This John Blizzard person.

Teddi points out that Lisa had to have VanderKnown something was happening since she was the one to “warn” Dorit, and Lisa is all, “Of course I VanderKnew you knew …” before saying a bunch of words that don’t make sense.

Rinna points out — privately, in an interview, obviously — that all roads lead back to Vanderpump and even Lisa’s BFF, Kyle, is like, “yeah, it is obvious that Lisa knew what Teddi was going to do and she texted Dorit to stir shit up.” Because VanderDUH.

As for Teddi, she explains that she has owned her shit …

… and told the truth and if Lisa can VanderLive with what she’s done, then Godspeed, let’s just try to co-exist. Lisa calls Teddi out for not seeming to have any guilt about what she’s done, and Teddi’s like, “Oh, I don’t feel any guilt about you — I feel betrayed by you.” Lisa tells Teddi she feels VanderBetrayed by her, too, to which Teddi snaps back, “Oh, because I couldn’t carry out your plan? Sorry.”

Teddi then reveals in an interview that she has her own texts that show Lisa and Grandpa Ken BOTH knew what was going to happen and that Grandpa Ken was concerned about possibly hurting a 40-year-long friendship with that dipshit P.K.. All of this sounds entirely plausible.

And then everyone returns to the party where Kyle proceeds to get loaded on margaritas and does the splits because Kyle’s gonna Kyle.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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