‘The Bachelor’: Not with a bang, but a whimper

The Bachelor
March 12, 2019

We begin this final slog through this season of The Bachelor: Dum-Dum Here Doesn’t Know How to Make the Sex Edition with Chris Harrison reminding us that Colton was dumped by Butterflies; he, in turn, dumped Piggyback Ride and Empty Gift Box; and then he rushed to Butterflies’ hotel to try to convince her to undump him.

“Will Colton find the love of his life or remain a virgin forever?” Chris Harrison ACTUALLY ASKS OUT LOUD AS IF THESE TWO THINGS ARE IN ANY WAY DEPENDENT UPON EACH OTHER.

Yes, Chris Harrison, Colton is going to REMAIN A VIRGIN FOREVER if this one woman he met six weeks ago doesn’t reciprocate his feelings right now. Also, who said she was the love of his life? She just happens to be the one woman out of this particular group of 30 that he thought was the prettiest. This is not the same thing as a soul mate.

BUT I DIGRESS.

So Colton, desperate to shed himself of this bothersome virginity, arrives at Butterflies’ hotel where she is completely shocked to see him. (No, she is not. There was an entire camera crew in the room with her at the time, so clearly something was up.) Colton takes her outside where he sits her down and explains that watching her walk away was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do, and he knew he needed to talk to her again. But before he could do that, he needed to make a Big Gesture to prove to her that he meant Serious Business, and to that end, he summarily dumped Piggyback Ride and Empty Gift Box.

Colton assures her that he’s not asking her to marry him, just asking her to give him a second chance and date him for a while.

Butterflies explains dumping him: she liked him well enough, but she thought there were other women who were further along in the whole process and she didn’t want to stand in his way of getting what he wanted out of all of this: a fiancé. But if he’s cool with not getting married, then, yeah, sure, she’ll give this whole thing another whirl, why not, especially when the alternative is looking like the cold-hearted bitch who broke The Bachelor, right? She can afford to date him for 10 weeks or three months — however long it takes for America to accept that she gave it her best shot, dump him again, this time on the cover of People Magazine and move on already.

Which terrific! But first, there is still a gauntlet of Bachelor traditions they must summarily run through because, after all, the show has already flown Colton’s entire family to Spain and rented rappelling equipment, what, are they supposed to just eat those costs?

First, they must meet with Colton’s parents who are waiting in Spain. Butterflies announces that none of this is normal — WHICH, NO SHIT, LADY — but agrees to go because this is the punishment she deserves for not self-eliminating back when everyone was pointing out that she wasn’t ready to get married.

And then we briefly return to the Bachelor studio,  where all Chris Harrison can talk about is whether or not Colton will lose his virginity.

Then off to Mallorca, Spain where Colton’s large and rectangular family are waiting for him. He opens with a joke: he’s finally lost his virginity! And his family responds the only way that is acceptable:

But then he’s all “HAHAHA FOOLED YOU, I AM STILL AN INTIMATELY-CHALLENGED TWENTY-SIX YEAR OLD DESPITE A TELEVISION NETWORK LITERALLY CREATING A PERSONAL HAREM FOR ME.” He goes on to explain that while he knows they are expecting to meet two women, that’s not going to happen. Instead, he’s going to introduce them to the one woman who dumped him (well, not the only woman who dumped him, but certainly the most recent woman to dump him) because, funny story, he eliminated everyone else.

His family:

He then adds that he is in love with Butterflies, but she is not in love with him.

His family:

And with that, Colton goes outside to retrieve Butterflies who is super nervous and crying about meeting his family on account of the whole not-being-in-love-with-and-having-dumped-their-son thing. Colton assures her that his family is going to love her based on no evidence whatsoever.

With the family, Butterflies again repeats the business about taking herself out of the competition when she thought she couldn’t meet Colton where he wanted to be, adding that she knows they have a lot of expectations for their son AND IT’S REALLY HARD TO NOT KNOW IF SHE CAN LIVE UP TO THAT OK.

His family:

And then Colton and Butterflies chat with his mom and dad separately where Mom and Dad express their concerns about this very questionable relationship, Dad cries for some reason, and then everyone shrugs and is like, “Good luck, I guess,” because at the end of the day when your adult son makes a terrible decision that you know full well is going to end in a total train wreck and at least one segment on Entertainment Tonight, there’s just not a whole lot you can do to stop him.

The next day these two go on what would normally be the last date before the final rose ceremony, a date that would end with the couple going back to the Bachelorette’s hotel room where she would offer the Bachelor some sort of schmaltzy gift like a photo album filled with pictures of the two of them taken by the production staff, or some terribly-written poetry, before he left for the night with a chaste kiss because the sexytimes portion of the season is very much over.

But because Colton and Butterflies have taken the rules of this show and stomped on them, set them on fire, stomped on the ashes and then scattered them to the sea, this is more like a Final Fantasy Suite Date, no gifts required.

Colton and Butterflies first go rappelling down the side of a cliff to a picnic waiting for them on the beach below because — again — The Bachelor is in the pocket of Big Picnic. And look, I don’t have anything against picnics, but if I spend 30 minutes — or even 5 minutes — dangling my ass down the side of a giant cliff, I do not want your sweaty cheese and lukewarm wine. I expect real food in a real restaurant with plenty of real cocktails. Hard cocktails. And then we’ll talk Fantasy Suites.

At the picnic, Butterflies opens up a little bit about her reservations about this whole experience, explaining that she was in a serious relationship in college that almost ended in a proposal but then he became too controlling. Which, great, but shouldn’t this have been a conversation they had on date two? Whatever. The point is, Colton hears her and promises that he wants her to have her own life with her own friends and family and he won’t suffocate her despite the fact that this entire business of him refusing to let her go is an exercise in suffocation.

I’M SORRY, I MEANT “TRUE LOVE.”

And speaking of “true love,” the two go to “dinner” where they don’t actually eat or say anything of importance but instead open the Fantasy Suite Card that was denied them the week previous. This time Butterflies enthusiastically agrees to join Colton and the two head to their suite which, compared to the other real Fantasy Suites is a tiny closet of a space. But whatever. They kick the crew out, rip off their mics and put the Do Not Disturb sign on the door.

The Bachelor being The Bachelor, they return to the Bachelor studio where they have assembled a group of eliminated contestants, including Red Flag, Carrot Top, Another NBA Dancer, Mr. Entitled, New Favorite and Ben Higgins (who I am beginning to think lives in the Bachelor studio — what’s going on, Higgins? Don’t you have a job?) to kill some more time. This group of grown-ass adults then spend the next five minutes speculating on the condition of another man’s sexual experience because THAT’S not weird at all.

That said, if I were to speculate as to whether or not any virginities were relieved that night, Colton isn’t talking but I am 100% confident that none, in fact, were. If I had to guess, the whole situation was just too weird, there was too much pressure, too much expectation, too many damn people walking around with cameras and microphones, and I suspect they just spent the night talking and actually getting to know one another, since, you know, they barely know one another.

And then that’s it, that’s pretty much how the season ends. That’s all there is. Oh, I mean, we bring them into the Bachelor studio to sit on couches with Chris Harrison to say unconvincingly that they are falling in love and that an engagement one day isn’t out of the question, Colton officially offers her the final Bachelor rose and then Air Supply — a band whose biggest hits came out almost twenty years before Colton and his child of a girlfriend were even born — come out and play “Making Love Out of Nothing At All,” which is both hilarious and almost too on the nose all at the same time.

But also, and I am completely serious, promote whoever came up with the idea of having Air Supply perform on this episode, that person is a God damned genius.

And that’s it, that’s Colton and Butterflies’ entire story: they’re dating, they’re not getting married anytime soon, they may or may not be having sex — frankly, it’s none of our damn business. I genuinely wish them both well, they don’t seem like bad or broken people, and I hope for them that whatever happens next, it happens outside our collective gaze.

With that we move on to our next matter of business, meeting our next Bachelorette: and as predicted by the tenor of her interview on “The Women Tell All” special, it’s Miss Alabama and her 30,000 teeth.

I’m going to be using this gif A LOT, so get used to it.

For no good reason, we watch her receive the call from Chris Harrison when he broke the “good” news — it’s neither informative or interesting — before what is becoming a new “After the Final Rose” tradition: bringing out some of the men from her season so that she can meet them in front of a live audience. And I am sure for someone with as much eloquence and poise as Miss Alabama here, this will be a walk in the park.

LOL, JUST KIDDING, IT’S A FUCKING DISASTER BECAUSE SHE IS AN INARTICULATE BOOB WHO MOSTLY COMMUNICATES IN A SERIES OF STAMMERS AND GULPS AND WE HAVE ONE LONG PAINFUL SEASON AHEAD OF US, KIDS.

The first man out of the gate is Luke, who unconvincingly claims he was hoping she would be the Bachelorette.

Next is Dustin who comes armed with a glass of champagne — a schtick I suspect we will be seeing a lot of this season — to toast her with some generic nonsense about an “amazing journey.” OK.

The third man she meets is Cam who is from Austin …

who decides to perform a rap …

… where he reveals he’s an Aggie.

The next man is Connor who brings out a step stool so that they can see eye-to-eye for some reason.

And the final man is Luke Nick Viall. It is 1000% This Asshole trying to sneak his way back onto yet another one of these shows.

And keeping with his This Assholeness, Nick Viall Jr. notes that while he doesn’t “go down south often,” for her he would “go anytime.”

Chris Harrison returns and Miss Alabama announces she’s ready to hand out roses, so the producers go backstage, yoink Butterflies’ rose right out of her hands, chop it down to a boutonniere and hand it over to Miss Alabama. To her credit, Miss Alabama does make a funny about this being the biggest decision she’s made all season, before announcing that she’s giving it to Vanilla Ice. She begins fumbling with the boutonniere, trying, unsuccessfully, to pin it onto his jacket when he is like, “1. You could just put it in my breast pocket and 2. wasn’t I supposed to accept the rose first?”

It’s going to be a long season. A long, long, toothy season. See you on May 13.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

 

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And the woman who won it all. Or “won” it all:

CASSIE
Butterflies = Cassie (ABC/Craig Sjodin)

The Bachelor aired on Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. The Bachelorette will return on May 13 on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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