‘Bachelor in Paradise’: The exquisite torture of Colton Underwood

Bachelor in Paradise
August 13, 2017

We begin the episode as Indianapolis Colt and Sooey, Jr. are returning from their date, with the Goose Douche Gang all wound up and looking to “cut the serpent’s head off” — the serpent being Indianapolis Colt who had the audacity to take on his date the woman everyone expected him to take on his date.

Look, tequila is in abundance in Paradise, logic, not so much.

The Douche Gang demands that Indianapolis Colt answer their questions: namely, whether or not he is 100% into Sooey, Jr. “Uh, I mean, I don’t know? I am interested in seeing where things go with her, but I also am open to other options?” Indianapolis Colt, a person who has been on this reality show for maybe 8 hours, reasonably responds.


Zoolander points out that the men outnumber the women this week, so if Indianapolis Colt is not ready to put a ring on Sooey, Jr.’s finger tonight, it’s unreasonable to expect her to offer him his rose when she could give it to someone else she just met.

Like I said, logic in Paradise, it is a precious rarity.

Indianapolis Colt insists that he’s in Paradise to figure out what he wants, and that maybe he hasn’t been able to do that in the five minutes he’s been here. Also, he’s been upfront about all of this with the only person who matters in any of this — Sooey, Jr. — and anyway, he literally just came off of The Bachelorette where he told Becca that he was in love with her so MAYBE EVERYONE CAN JUST GIVE HIM A LITTLE SPACE? PLEASE?

back the fuck up crab with knife stop angry.gif

Meanwhile, Sooey, Jr. is at the bar telling everyone that Indianapolis Colt made her “vagina dance.” Shame he has no experience in partnering.

The next morning, Mr. Entitled does some tai chi? yoga? fake Karate Kid moves? on the beach because if he goes for more than 8 hours without being douchey he loses douche points.

Elsewhere, Pretty Boy Pitbull receives the next date card, and, after chatting with several acceptable women, asks Krystal with a K to join him. OH, PRETTY BOY, NO.


YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER. Manguita! Grendel’s Mom! Nurse Nutso! Any of them are better than Krystal with a Goddamned K!

But Krytsal with a K accepts, much to Oh Canada’s chagrin since he was chewing on her face about 12 hours earlier. The pair goes into Puerto Vallarta to a lucha libre match — obviously — and Pretty Boy is a font of knowledge about the sport, explaining to Krystal with a K (and yours truly, honestly) the whole narrative, what with the Tecnicos (good guys) versus Los Rudos (bad guys). At one point, un Rudo approaches Krystal with a K, and Pretty Boy takes off his shirt and enters the ring to “defend her honor.” And I hate wrestling — except for when I don’t, like GLOW, and the original G.L.O.W. and this. Because I love Pretty Boy Pitbull.

After the match, Pretty Boy asks Krystal with a K about her controversial turn on The Bachelor and she explains that she was an asshole because she was trying to “let down [her] guard” and “open [herself] up” because that just makes perfect sense. But Pretty Boy will take it, and compares his own meltdown over having to deal with that racist twerp to her being awful with her dumb sexy baby voice.

Pretty Boy then explains that in lucha, the Tecnico who wins will give the woman he loves his mask because she is the only one who can see him unmasked. However, because he does not have a mask he hopes a kiss will do. They kiss. He can do better.

Back in Paradise, Oh Canada decides to cut his losses and move on to Seen the Breasts? because he’s got to get a rose from someone. They kiss. She can do better.

Also happening: Zoolander is busy wooing Trauma Care, promising her a dinner on the beach complete with mariachis. Considering she is terrified of large bodies of water and sombreros, I’m not entirely sure this is exactly a well-thought-out plan.

Before dinner, however, Chicken Head being Chicken Head, just can’t leave well enough alone and takes Trauma Care aside to warn her that Zoolander is only pretending to be into her for her rose. Chicken Head is not even interested in Trauma Care, but he can’t help himself, he has to drag Zoolander. It’s pure Chicken instinct.

But Trauma Care goes to dinner with Zoolander despite Chicken Head’s warnings and she has a lovely time. Probably because no mariachis were involved after all.

Elsewhere, the irritatingly chirpy Yuki Poyo, from The Bachelor Japan and Bachelor Winter Games has been hired as All-4-Wells’ understudy at the bar, saints preserve us.


The next day is the Rose Ceremony Day and everyone — with the exception of Indianapolis Colt — is fairly certain that Indianapolis Colt will not be receiving a rose that evening.

Everyone arrives at the tree house where Chris Harrison warns them of a coming storm — literally and figuratively — and ZOMG IS CHRIS HARRISON Q?

that's so raven tense nervous chewing gum

And with that, the dummies are set loose to begin the endlessly tedious “scramble for the roses” portion of the show.

Zoolander presents Trauma Care with an oversized stuffed puppy because she’s scared of dogs? Sure. Makes as much sense as any dumb decision on this dumb show.

Fake Race Car Driver and Chicken Head circle around Grendels’ Mother although despite Fake Race Car’s insistence that he felt a “legit connection” with her, neither dummy’s heart really seems to be in it.

As for Taxiderpy, she seems to be torn between Grocery Joe and Venmo, finding herself in a regular Derpmuda Triangle …

laurie hernandez wink olympics

… in which the difference in IQ between points Grocery Joe and Venmo would break the Pythagorean theroem. (SHUT UP, I KNOW THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. I AM NOT GOOD AT THE MATHS.)

With Grocery Joe, Taxiderpy notes that she’s relieved it’s finally cooled off, that she was about to go crazy, and (~in a low weird growl~) he wouldn’t like her when she’s crazy.

Grocery Joe:


Taxiderpy asks Grocery Joe why he came to Paradise, and he explains, “The producers pretty much insisted ME NO EVER LOVE, ME NO KNOW WHY.”

As for Venmo, Taxiderpy notes that she’s surprised at “how much game” he has, but it’s not really any contest, it’s all about that dumdum Grocery Joe for her.

Meanwhile, the other women convince Sooey, Jr. that she needs to talk to Indianapolis Colt about his intentions. So she drags him off to a private daybed where she explains that multiple women have warned her against becoming the next Olya Povlatsky to his Kewpie. And it’s true, no one wants that, most of all the viewers who have already had enough of this dumb drama.

Sooey, Jr. then accuses Indianapolis Colt of “keeping [her] in [his] backpocket” and “putting [her] on a shelf.” PICK A METAPHOR, GIRL. Indianapolis Colt is like, “I mean … I came here to date people? I didn’t realize that by coming here, I was agreeing to marry you?” Sooey, Jr. informs him that she will not be fine with watching him be with other people, and asks him if he’d honestly be fine seeing her date other people? For instance, did he know that she kissed Mr. Entitled on their date? HOW DOES THAT MAKE HIM FEEL? DOESN’T THAT BOTHER HIM? And Indianapolis Colt is all, “Uhh … no? Not really? Good for you guys, I guess?”

Sooey, Jr. then informs Indianapolis Colt that there are a lot of guys who want to date her and she will NOT be someone’s second choice and no one else is going to give him a rose SO IF HE WANTS ONE, HE BETTER COMMIT TO HER THEN AND THERE. And Indianapolis Colt is like, “No?”

Sooey, Jr.:

narrows eyes angry cinderella

Sooey, Jr. finally explains to Indianapolis Colt that giving him the rose would be giving him a “free pass” to date other people and SHE WILL NOT HAVE IT. So, he’ll just have to go find someone else to give him a rose because she’s not going to be his second choice, she’s going to give her rose to HER second choice, thankyouverymuch.

As such, she marches over to Mr. Entitled who has set out a platter of sweet tea for her as a demonstration that he’s ready to “treat her like a queen.” Sooey, Jr. is impressed, or pretends to be, because FUCK YOU, INDIANAPOLIS COLT.

As for Indianapolis Colt, he is like “Cool!” and heads straight over to Batman, with whom he had been flirting all week. However, to his shock and disappointment, she informs him that he is a “hot topic of conversation” and not in a positive way. She’s been told that he’s not over Becca yet and not here for the “right reasons.”

nene sigh lord give me strength

Indianapolis Colt is all …”IT WAS THE DOUCHE GANG …” and hunts them down. Fake Race Car Driver immediately admits to blabbing to Batman that Indianapolis Colt isn’t over Becca because they needed to “address the white elephant in the room.”

Yeah, no. The phrase is “the elephant in the room.” It is not “the white elephant in the room” or “the pink elephant in the room,” it is just “the elephant in the room.” A pink elephant is something people see when they are drunk, a white elephant is a thing that someone wants to get rid of. Dude, aren’t you a lawyer? Aren’t you supposed to know how language works?

And with that, it’s time to hand out roses:

Krystal with a K: Pretty Boy Pitbull
Seen the Breasts?: Oh Canada
Sooey, Jr.: Mr. Entitled
Taxiderpy: Grocery Joe
Trauma Care: Zoolander
Nurse Nutso: Eric the Good Dancer
Grendel’s Mother: Chicken Head
Batman: Venmo

And for a moment, it looks like Sooey, Jr. is right, that Indianapolis Colt will be going back to Indianapolis (or Denver, or California, or wherever the hell it is that he lives), but then …

Manguita steps up and offers her rose to Indianapolis Colt because she “wants him to have a chance for people to get to know him for him.”

Also because the producers clearly took Manguita aside and …

make offer can't refuse godfather bribe

Which means:

nick bip adios

wills bachelor in paradise adios

The next morning, everyone is still wondering WHY THE HELL MANGUITA SAVED INDIANAPOLIS COLT …

dollar dollar bills yall money eastbound.gif

… but before that particular mystery can be solved, Chris Harrison materializes, explains that someone is about to come to Paradise that will change things FOREVER, and then orders the men to go away, please.

The mystery guest is hardly a mystery, however, and Becca soon comes down the stairs  to hug all her girlfriends, as well as this Batman and Seen the Breasts women, whoever the hell they are. Becca then takes Sooey, Jr. aside to talk privately because that is what this entire stunt — including Manguita’s last-minute save of Indianapolis Colt — was all about: so that Becca could give her blessing to Sooey, Jr. and Indianapolis Colt to pursue love.


Because once he finds out Becca is in Paradise, Indianapolis Colt freeeeeeeeeaks out, turns green, wanders to the beach to talk about how he wants to throw up, and stares woefully out at the ocean, before heading up to his room to have a full-on sob. There, Chicken Head checks in on him, where Indianapolis Colt explains that he wasn’t expecting to feel this way, he was truly trying to put himself out there by coming to Paradise and he took a risk, but now that he’s seen Becca again, HE KNOWS HE IS NOT READY FOR ANY OF THIS NONSENSE AND HE NEEDS TO GO HOME NOW PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

Oh, sweet summer child, no. That’s not going to happen. Not until you talk to Becca on camera. BECAUSE WE FEED ON YOUR HUMILIATION AND PAIN, NOM NOM NOM.


The women in Paradise:

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The men in Paradise:

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The pendejos who have been eliminated:

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Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC. FOR TWO HOURS EACH NIGHT. 

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