‘The Bachelorette’: You’re down in the jungle, baby, you’re gonna CRRRRRYYYYY

The Bachelorette
July 23, 2018

Welcome to Chiang Mai, Thailand! Which is not Hua Hin, Thailand, though I don’t blame you for being confused considering that’s where our Jojo the Unicorn went for her Fantasy Suite dates just two seasons ago. In fact, if this whole episode felt vaguely familiar to you, that’s because not only did the producers revisit the country where Jojo the Unicorn had her Fantasy Suites dates, they revisit the dates themselves and the elimination drama that ensued.

time is a flat circle

But before we get to the dates and elimination dramaz, Becca has to ride around Thailand in a tuk-tuk for a while, wander around her hotel lobby and gaze pensively out the window while yammering about how she is in love with two of the three men and falling for the third.

As a helpful reminder: There’s Chris Farley whom she claims “challenges” her.
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And New Favorite, with whom Becca claims she gets “wild and crazy.”
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And finally Cowboy, who makes her feel like 100% herself. Whoever the hell that is.
footage not found arrested development

Speaking of Cowboy, Mr. Needy over here has the first Thailand date and spends his time before it worrying about the other two men and Becca’s connection with them. He knows FOR A FACT that they CAN’T POSSIBLY feel about Becca the way he feels about Becca — which is just very healthy language to use and not completely bonkers.

red flag andy samberg look out snl

Becca takes Cowboy on the exact same date Jojo the Unicorn took Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother on: a NO TOUCHING! hike up to some Buddhist temple where they visit with some monks and receive some relationship advice from a celibate man.

Producers: let’s talk. You are going to tell us with a straight face that in the entire country of Thailand, with countless temples and historical sites and natural wonders, you couldn’t come up with six original dates for two different seasons? You’ve been to two different Thai cities in three years and you’re already repeating yourselves? BECCA DESERVED BETTER THAN A RECYCLED DATE. This is just the epitome of laziness, y’all.

disappointed-grandma

After the date and at dinner, Cowboy continues to monologue about how he can’t stop thinking about Becca being physically affectionate with the other two men. And while I totally get it — who hasn’t experienced that stomach-sinking pit of jealousy at some point in their lives — I also have never been on a dating game show where I willfully placed myself in the position of dating someone who would be dating 20+ other women, because I know I wouldn’t be cool with it.

And what I am saying is that Cowboy is maybe not designed for this nonsense but also, too …

red flag andy samberg look out snl

Cowboy has clearly been instructed by the producers to share some of these worries with Becca over dinner, but instead of being all, “ARE YOU TONGUE KISSING THE OTHER MEN YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU ARE BECAUSE I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE EVER HAS AND ANYONE EVER WILL,” instead of being that honest with her, Cowboy talks about his fear that the rug will be pulled out from under him. Which isn’t a crazy thing to say!

What is a crazy thing to say is that he cares more about Becca than the woman he last broke up with who left him so devastated that his mother would have to eat dinner with him three or four times a week, and … wow … yeah. There’s a lot to unpack here, which might have been better accomplished by doing a shit-ton of therapy and self-examination of his Mommy and abandonment issues rather than taking this whole mess to a dating show.

But Becca has decided she is in love with this clingy wreck and comforts him by assuring him that she had the same worries with Needledick: that she herself wondered going into the Fantasy Suites how Needledick could care about both her and Boring Lauren considering they are such different people. Of course, that is not what Cowboy is worried about — but, LOL, SO WHAT, WHO CARES, LET’S GO GET NAKED IN THE FANTASY SUITE, AND SET INTO MOTION AN EVENTUAL EMOTIONAL DISASTER.

When Becca leaves the next morning, Very Stable Genius right here, he cries.

red flag andy samberg look out snl

This is not going to end well. Not well at all.

The obligatory “Wander the Marketplace, Intrude on Cultural Practices, and Make Faces at the Weird Gross Food the Natives Eat” date is shared with New Favorite. They wander through the marketplace, they crash a traditional dance performance uninvited, they eat crickets.

As they emerge from some temple, Becca makes a comment about a decorative element on the building, asking if New Favorite would put that in his home. “We could make it work,” he responds and Becca literally turns green. She bolts to a producer, and while tugging on her hair and flapping her hands, explains that after his offhanded comment that suggested a future together, she now “feels weird” and “wrong” and that while she is “having the best time with him,”  … “IT’S WEIRD.”

Oh, New Favorite, you’re so fucked.

And sure enough, that night going into dinner, New Favorite is babbling about how he’s found his “best friend” and that he can see Becca as the mother of his children, while Becca is continuing to talk monosyllabically about how “weird” she feels.

So fucked, dude.

At dinner, New Favorite reveals to Becca that he told his family during hometowns that he was in love with her, and that he doesn’t usually “let down his walls” so readily. He explains that he waited to tell her that he loved her until he knew he would mean every word. And so now that he’s laid his soul bare, where’s Becca’s heart and head at?

Becca, in response, says that where she needs to be is way over there, away from him.  After more hair tugging and a little crying about what a great guy New Favorite is and how she hates herself for not feeling for him the way she feels about Cowboy and Chris Farley, Becca returns to New Favorite to seal his fate.

Becca explains to New Favorite that he’s a super great guy, but that she just “can’t put him through an overnight” when she’s not 100% there with him. New Favorite tries to point out that the entire point of the overnight date is to see if one can get to 100% and to “push boundaries,” but she’s like, “nah, dude, it’s not happening with us, see you at the ‘Men Tell All’ special, bye.” Because we are just going to follow Jojo the Unicorn’s beat-for-beat, down to eliminating one dude before he can get to the inner sanctum of the Fantasy Suite if you know what I mean, and you know exactly what I mean.

However, unlike the guy that Jojo the Unicorn eliminated before the Fantasy Suite, Chase, a.k.a. Yab Yum, New Favorite doesn’t have an angry meltdown, instead wishing her the best, and promising that he will always “root” for her happiness, thereby preserving his chance to be the next Bachelor.

Bye, New Favorite! I expect we’ll be seeing you in January, New Favorite!

it's over go home ferris bueller

Back in the unused Fantasy Suite, Becca sobs and cries and pulls her hair and wonders how she could do this to such a “good guy” and wails that she just “literally did to him what Needledick did to [her].”

Wait … wait, did I miss something? Did Becca and New Favorite get engaged during their date? Did she propose to him and send the other men home? Did she then remain in a relationship with him for two months before changing her mind? And then did she secretly contact the guy that she really wanted to be with and ask if he would be agreeable to getting back together if she were to dump New Favorite (because she didn’t want to dump New Favorite without a safety net, obviously)? And when that guy said yes, did she lure New Favorite out to California so that the producers could film her dumping him and broadcast his shock and grief for all the world to wallow in? No? THEN SHE DID NOT “LITERALLY” DO WHAT NEEDLEDICK DID TO HER. COME ON.

I swear to GOD, this dumb show.

After a little bathrobe wallowing the next morning, Becca goes on her final date with Chris Farley. The two navigate a bamboo raft down a river filled with Thai folk and wild (?) elephants so that they can later blather about the date being like navigating obstacles in a relationship and working as a team or whatthefuckever.

metaphor beyonce obviously

That evening at dinner, Chris Farley talks about how he almost didn’t come on the show, because divorce, blah blah blah. But once he saw her with his family, he came to realize how much he loved her, and that he hopes she’s the last woman he will ever say that to. GOOD ENOUGH FOR A FANTASY SUITE INVITATION, says Becca, LET’S GO SEE WHAT YOU’RE WORKING WITH.

And while I am not exactly rooting for Chris Farley to win this thing (he’s going to win this thing), I will give him this: he didn’t cry when she left in the morning, unlike some emotionally unstable cowboys I could name.

The next day, before the completely unnecessary and redundant rose ceremony, New Favorite — whom the producers have not shoved onto a plane back to the States for just this purpose — heads to Becca’s hotel room for an explanation for why she sent him home without trying the goods. Becca assures New Favorite that she hasn’t met a man like him before, that he is one of the best guys she’s ever met, but that she has a thing for over-muscled, emotionally immature dodos who will ultimately leave her lonely and unsatisfied, and he just doesn’t fit that particular model. It’s not personal.

New Favorite then gives her some sort of scrapbook before wishing her luck and heading to the “Men Tell All” special. Becca, for her part, does her best to set him up as the next Bachelor, talking about how the world needs more guys like New Favorite and that she hopes he finds someone who treats him like a king.

it's over go home ferris bueller
Well, it’s over until January.

Finally, the completely unnecessary and redundant rose ceremony:

Rose #1: Chris Farley
Rose #2: Cowboy

And with that, we are off to the “Men Tell All” special and then to The Maldives where Becca will crush Cowboy’s heart and spirit once and for all. Until then, baby elephants!

Say goodbye to the men who have been eliminated:

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Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Becca. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:

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The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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