The Real Housewives of Dallas
“Look Who’s Not Talking”
August 14, 2017
OH HELLO. Sooooooooo, I didn’t recap season two when it aired last year because … well, honestly I don’t entirely remember why. Laziness? Laziness. But, season three is around the corner, and I understand from other sources that season two ended up being a lot more interesting than season one. So let’s see if I can catch up with season two before season three begins. It’s a long shot because, as we have well established, I am lazy. So lazy. Very lazy.
We begin the second season at Cary’s house where she entertains Stephanie and one of our two new cast members, a Valkyrie named Kameron with a K who, according to Cary, is a real socialite, unlike some people on this show ~cough~ LeeAnne ~cough~ and comes from the kind of wealth that writes rich people’s checks. She is also the type of blond who has a license plate that reads “BLOND” and wears pink fur vests.
Cary announces that she is throwing Dr. Husband a birthday party and that she has decided to invite LeeAnne as she is trying to move past the whole thing where LeeAnne called her a homewrecker. Stephanie is like, “Yeah, but what about the 2008 police report that LeeAnne tried to kill some guy with a knife that That Marie Person sent us in a transparent attempt to be a part of this season?” But Cary insists she’s going to give the crazy former carnie the benefit of the doubt.
Cary also warns Stephanie that she’s inviting Brandi, which causes Stephanie to burst into tears because the two former best friends haven’t spoken in four months, and according to Stephanie, Brandi won’t tell her why WHICH IS JUST A VERY MEAN GIRL THING TO DO.
Meanwhile, in the Bizarro Universe that our Dallas Housewives have apparently slipped into, Brandi and LeeAnne have become go-shopping-together-and-talk-shit-about-Stephanie friendly. And it seems that Brandi is perfectly clear on why she’s mad at Stephanie: because Stephanie wrote in her Bravo blog that Brandi’s marriage is a “slow-motion car crash.”
However, having read the blog post, it’s clear that she didn’t call Brandi’s marriage a slow-motion car crash, she called the situation in which her husband got Bryan drunk and contributed to him being late to a family event that was deeply significant to Brandi a slow-motion car crash, and she felt like she was somehow responsible for not stressing to her dumbass husband how important this event was to Brandi (of course, Bryan ultimately is the only one to blame here on account of being a shitastic husband):
I felt so honored to be invited to meet Brandi Redmond‘s grandfather. This was a special moment for her and she was including me in a huge milestone for her family. Her grandfather is a big man with a sweet heart. I loved visiting with him and his wife. They are precious people. As I watched the clock and saw my dear friend becoming more perplexed, my heart broke for her. But then when Travis called saying he was with Bryan, a part of me panicked. I kept asking myself if I had told Travis how important this was and that this was the “first” time Brandi would see her grandfather! Did I explain to him that she was too young when she last saw him to remember him? We were waiting on Bryan and I just wanted them to get there as fast as they could. When they arrived, I realized that they had had some drinks. I felt uncomfortable and awkward. I wanted the experience to be an amazing family memory for Brandi. I could tell that Brandi was hurting and felt awkward in the situation. It was like watching a slow motion car crash and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
So, this Kameron woman. Her deal is that she is the trophy wife to a man named Court who is a venture capitalist and from old money. They met at SMU — obviously SMU — and she almost didn’t date her eventual meal ticket on account of him being a Hobbit. (Literally her words.)
They have two children: Cruise and Hilton, whom I can only assume were named after Tom and Paris. She lives in Highland Park — not Plano — she can’t cook, she loves pink and claims that her catchphrase is “Blond by birth, pink by choice,” which is just a very good catchphrase.
Oh, did I mention that Kameron has a billion dollar business idea: PINK DOG FOOD.
OH REALLY? DOGS AND PINK? WHY NOT TRY A BRITISH ACCENT, TOO, WHILE YOU’RE AT IT.
OK, so you might not remember from the first season finale, but LeeAnne and Cary got into a pissing match about some woman named D’Andra Simmons and who was a better friend to her. Cary attended D’Andra’s wedding, but LeeAnne was IN the wedding, so I guess she wins. Anyway, this D’Andra person is now a cast member, too, and she is introduced to the show having dinner with LeeAnne and that boyfriend of hers who reasonably refuses to marry her. LeeAnne explains that she and D’Andra are best friends because they can bust each other’s balls.
We then visit D’Andra’s life, meet her photojournalist husband, Jeremy, and her harridan of a mother, Dee. Apparently, D’Andra grew up very wealthy, pointing out weirdly that she owned 276 dresses when she was five years old, and because she was so horribly spoiled by her parents, her mother now refuses to hand over her cosmetics company to D’Andra, even though she lured D’Andra back to Dallas to take over the company some 13 years earlier. SOUNDS LIKE THIS IS A YOU PROBLEM, DEE.
Momma Dee comes over to D’Andra’s house for breakfast and to harangue her daughter for buying herself clothes on the company credit card, so maybe Momma Dee has a point. Also, D’Andra yells at her husband for using the butter knife improperly. Everyone at this table is awful.
As for LeeAnne, after watching season one, she decided to get some anger management treatment, and we are dragged along for one of her sessions which is super boring except for the part where the therapist says that LeeAnne “needs to have some coping skills before [LeeAnne] gets to ‘I’m gonna kill you.'”
I’m sure her former boyfriend whom she threatened back in 2008 agrees.
Over at Stephanie’s house, her husband, Whatshisface, gives his kids a stuffed turtle which they declare is a “squirrel” because they are very dumb. Whatshisbutt also reports that he went to a Rangers game with Bryan, Brandi’s husband, and his best friend, and he wondered when their families were going to hang out again. This makes Stephanie cry some more.
And over at Brandi and Bryan’s house, a similar conversation is happening, but instead of crying, Brandi bitches about how the last time she saw Stephanie was at a Father’s Day get together, and Stephanie spent the entire afternoon sitting inside reading a magazine so IT’S NOT LIKE SHE WAS TRYING, EITHER.
Later, Cary and LeeAnne meet up with their dogs and have a chat about their screaming fight on the reunion. LeeAnne apologizes for saying the things she did — namely that Cary is a gold-digging homewrecker. Cary tells LeeAnne that she forgives her, and reminds LeeAnne that she called her to tell her that That Marie Person was passing around that 2008 police report. Mutual respect! Cooperation! It’s a whole new era!
They then briefly talk about the birthday party Cary is throwing for Dr. Husband and how awkward it is going to be for Brandi and Stephanie to be in the same room together for the first time in forever. LeeAnne insists that it’s their shit to work out and that everyone else should STAY OUT OF IT.
Then the party: on the ride over, Brandi reveals to LeeAnne that Stephanie texted her saying that Cary told her LeeAnne was “up to her old carnival tricks again.”
“THEN STEPHANIE AND I ARE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM,” LeeAnne rages before remembering her anger management training and begins literally praying to Jesus to keep the party as peaceful as possible. And I’m sure that Jesus, who has nothing better to do, is happy to help.
So they walk into the party together, and Stephanie, bless her, marches right up to Brandi and tries to say hello. Brandi refuses to acknowledge her.
Later, Stephanie tries to ask Brandi to come talk to her alone, but Lee”They Will Work It Out Themselves”Anne, is all, “SHE IS NOT READY FOR THAT JUST YET, THANKYOUVERYMUCH.” Stephanie tries to suggest that she and Brandi set up a time to meet at one of their homes, but Lee”We Should Stay Out of It”Anne is like, “THAT’S WHAT TEXT MESSAGES ARE FOR. SHE DOESN’T HAVE HER SCHEDULE AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE DISMISSED.”
With that, Brandi announces that she HAS TO GO NOW, and leaves the party sobbing, while inside, Stephanie is sobbing.
After putting Brandi into a car, LeeAnne marches back into the party to declare that she is DISAPPOINTED in what happened here, and she is especially disappointed in Cary who told Stephanie who told Brandi that she was “up to her old carnival tricks again.” Cary insists that never happened, and LeeAnne agrees to take her word for it. I’m sure this will all work out just fine between these two.
And then Stephanie cries some more, the end.
The Real Housewives of Dallas returns on Bravo on August 15, 2018.