‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Spaltercations

The Real Housewives of New York
“Arrest and Relaxation”
June 27, 2018

We begin where we left off: with The Countess having discovered that Ramona tweeted a photo of the group celebrating The Countess escaping rehab, and then heading straight for some much-needed yoga to keep herself from choking a bitch.

screaming angry namaste mad .gif

Meanwhile, Dorinda, Princess Carole, and Tinsley dissect the photo and note that the wine had not yet been poured when it was taken — so maybe The Countess can chill the fuck out? Maybe?

After yoga, Bethenny offers The Countess the use of her publicist to clean up the mess that Ramona has made because The Countess’ publicist certainly doesn’t seem to know what the hell she’s doing — an act of generosity on Bethenny’s part that serves to remind us that these ladies are not like you and me … unless you regularly have issues with your personal publicist.

Also, Dorinda takes Bethenny aside to make sure there’s nothing awkward between them after the whole Sonja’s “family crest” dustup earlier that morning. Bethenny admits that she doesn’t “feel totally safe” with Dorinda, which upsets Dorinda since she thought they had worked out all of their nutcracker issues at Bethenny’s Skinny Girl Jeans party.

Bethenny then decides that people feel weird around her because she and Princess Carole aren’t close friends anymore? And I’m not entirely sure how she arrived at that math or how Dorinda fits into that particular equation, but whatever, the point is, Dorinda wants to make it nice between them, and Bethenny is finally all, “sure, ok, whatever.”

Elsewhere, Her Royal Caroleness and Tinsley receive massages, not that Tinsley can relax while being naked and rubbed by a stranger. GIRL, SAME.

same arrested development in-same

The two then take a walk through the hedge maze where they talk about the Earl of Corn and Scott, and Tinsley lets slip that she tried on wedding dresses with her mother. Princess NeverMarryAgain first calls Tinsley’s mother a “nightmare” …

accurate stefon snl saturday night live yep yes

… before then claiming that she “gets it.” I don’t, but OK.

Elsewhere, after facials, Bethenny and The Countess chat about The Countess returning to New York society and all the boozing it up she’s going to have to negotiate. They also discuss Ramona’s assholery, and how tone deaf it was that she tried to get an invite to Tom the Cheater’s Yacht Party. “I KNOW,” Bethenny adds, “I can hardly believe she still associates with him and gets drinks with him and stuff.” This is news to The Countess who is all, “SHE DO WHAT NOW?” With a sigh, Bethenny explains that she thought The Countess already knew that Ramona has been regularly having drinks with Tom the Cheater at the Regency — considering all of New York already knew that.

The Countess:

serenity-now seinfeld

And then, dinner.

Ho boy, dinner.

The evening begins on an awkward note when Bethenny conspicuously changes chairs when Princess Carole sits next to her, explaining that she “doesn’t want there to be an incident.” But then conversation quickly moves on to Tinsley’s braids, and how they should braid each other’s hair that evening back in the hotel rooms — except for poor Dorinda who barely has any hair to braid. Bethenny suggests they could braid her “puss,” but Dorinda explains that she took care of Abraham Lincoln down there just the other day. Bethenny fixes Dorinda’s joke: the president she was looking for is “George Bush.” But Dorinda protests that SHE KNOWS WHO SHE SAW DOWN THERE.

woah hands up ok wow.gif

Bethenny then asks Tinsley if she and Scott are getting engaged as she heard Tinsley was trying on wedding dresses recently. This is news that the producers clearly only shared with Bethenny because the other ladies are like, “Whaaaaaaaaa … ” Tinsley explains that it was just for funsies, she’s not engaged, her mother is a lot, she loves big ball gowns, she enjoys wearing them to parties.

Bethenny is unimpressed with this explanation and compares trying on wedding dresses when one is not engaged to trying out coffins, causing Tinsley to become very defensive and begin screaming at Bethenny that she is being VERY NEGATIVE AND TO STOP INSULTING HER.

The Countess, bless her heart, tries to get everyone to calm down. BUCKLE UP, BUTTERCUP, BECAUSE WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED.

(Also, it should be noted, Princess Carole reveals in an interview that Bethenny started shopping for engagement rings within weeks of dating that bald dude, so she’s one to mock Tinsley.)

Dorinda points out that they all do things that the others might not do, like go around wearing their ex-husband’s family crest as if it were their own … This prompts Sonja to leap from her seat and begin shrieking at Dorinda if she’s “REALLY GOING TO FUCKING GO THERE?” Sonja then begins to scream that her daughter is a Morgan ergo she is a Morgan and WHAT’S IT TO DORINDA ANYWAY?

This goes on for a while to the alarm and exasperation of the other patrons of the restaurant, until Dorinda takes a deep breath and apologizes to Sonja for giving her shit about the dumb crest. Dorinda adds that she’s very proud of Sonja’s accomplishments, specifically the things that Sonja has created on her own — which is her original point: that Sonja needs to stop living in the damn past, that she’s got plenty going for her in the present.

Bethenny, however, is having none of it, wondering why Dorinda who spends 30% of every dinner slurring her words, thinks she gets to tell someone else that she is proud of them. AND WHO IS BETHENNY, Dorinda wonders, TO POLICE WHO CAN APOLOGIZE  TO WHOM AND WHEN? The point is: Dorinda is sorry, and will not bring up the Morgan family crest again, promise.

Which brings us to screaming fight number three (or four?): WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK DID RAMONA TWEET THAT PICTURE OF THE GROUP? DOES SHE HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE SHE HAS MADE FOR THE COUNTESS WITH THE PRESS? Ramona argues that it was a beautiful picture and she didn’t get The Countess’ media blackout memo and anyway it’s not like anyone was even drinking in the picture. The Countess is like, “Yeah, that’s not the point: the point is you told the universe that I am out of rehab which is going to start a whole media circus around me and I would have really preferred to have controlled that narrative.”

Ramona, this ding-dong, she finally understands why The Countess is so angry and begins her flurry of ramonapologies. But it’s not enough because what The Countess is actually furious about is the fact that Ramona has been hanging out with Tom the Cheater. THE ACTUAL FUCK, RAMONA? But Ramona refuses to apologize for this, because, what, is she supposed to not hang out with Tom the Cheater and Harry the Ex? At this, everyone is like, “HARRY THE MOTHERFUCKING EX? THE ONE WHO TALKED ALL THAT SHIT ABOUT THE COUNTESS? YOU’RE HANGING OUT WITH HIM, TOO? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN, RAMONA?”

And The Countess heads back to her hotel room, having had it, officially.

I've had it officially

Later, the other women follow The Countess back to their rooms, to find a plate of banana bread awaiting them, and Ramona proceeds to FLIP OUT as though she’s never had pastry before on account of being a sociopath. Ramona also talks about how The Countess was right to attack her, but that she just becomes very defensive when people come at her because of her childhood, wah. Dorinda defends Ramona: she has good intentions, she just doesn’t have good “applications.”

teresa do i roll my eyes too much rhonj

Meanwhile, Princess Carole checks in on The Countess, who, not unreasonably, announces that she needs a friendship break from Ramona. We all do, Countess, we all do.

The next morning, The Countess visits Sonja and Bethenny in their bed to try to encourage them to do some yoga with her, but they’re all, “HOW ABOUT NAH.” Instead, they chat about how Sonja stood up for herself in the Battle of the Family Crest, and how it is unlikely Dorinda will try to bully her anymore. OK, good luck with that, ladies.

So The Countess goes to yoga, and Ramona emerges in the lobby area feeling sheepish about being an asshole to The Countess, intending to apologize to The Countess before they all head back to New York City. But The Countess is NOT INTERESTED in Ramona’s ramonigans, explaining she doesn’t want to hear it, she’s just done yoga for fuck’s sake.

And with that, everyone drags their bags out to the waiting cars and head back to New York City, the end. Great job getting that much-needed R&R! A++++ relaxing, everyone!

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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