The Bachelorette
July 2, 2018
The ever-diminishing manherd has moved to Richmond, Virginia this week, hometown to Foolish’s own Whitney who tried her level best to secure tickets to this week’s Concert by a Musician You’ve Never Heard of, but sadly was not chosen in the lottery — because, yes, people have to actually make an effort to be in the audience of these things, they don’t just hand tickets out on the street to random passer-by and homeless dudes. Believe me, I am just as shocked as you are.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. First, we have to endure Becca reciting the script the Virginia Tourism Corporation gave her about how Virginia is for “lovers” and also, too, history.
Becca then meets with Chris Harrison who gives her shit for reading bridal magazines on the plane ride from Vegas, and HEY, CHRIS HARRISON, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND LET BECCA READ HER BRIDAL PORN IN PEACE.
Ahead of the first date card arriving, Mr. Entitled makes a bunch of insecure noises about how this needs to be his “redemption week,” so for sure that is definitely going to happen for him. And he’s off to a terrific start when after New Favorite receives the first one-on-one date card (“New Favorite: Life is full of surprises. Becca.”), Mr. Entitled begins whining about how he wants a one-on-one or even a dreaded two-on-one date card because HE’D CRUSH IT. Sex Offender asks him who he’d want to go up against in a two-on-one, which, somehow, improbably becomes a fight between the two men in which the phrases, “DO YOU HAVE THE HISGTORICAL DATA TO BACK THAT UP?” and “YOU JUST BODY SHAMED ME,” are uttered.
New Favorite leaves for his date because when Mr. Entitled and Sex Offender are fighting, there is literally no one to root for. PEACE OUT.
Now, before we get to the date, we need to have a conversation about New Favorite’s hair:
Dude, it’s 2018. Gordon Gekko should not be your hairspiration, ESPECIALLY AND PARTICULARLY SINCE YOU ARE IN BANKING.
New Favorite, you didn’t get that nickname by accident — you genuinely seem like a nice guy, so I say this with love: go wash your hair, get a decent haircut, and stop looking like an 80s douchebag.
As for the date, the couple go to the church where John Patrick Henry (NONE OF YOU PEOPLE NOTICED THIS ERROR UNTIL WHITNEY READ THIS? YOU’RE ALL FIRED.) gave his “give me liberty or give me death” speech, and the graveyard where Edgar Allen Poe’s mother is buried, they then make donuts (??), visit an Edgar Allen Poe museum, and go to an “unhappy hour” which is populated entirely by Richmond’s Haunted History tour guides, grabbing pints of Lenore’s Tears before heading off for a long night of telling made-up ghost stories to sweaty tourists.
Becca then takes New Favorite to a brewpub filled with dudebros where she surprises him with some of his best friends from home. And New Favorite, he very nearly bursts into tears upon seeing them, so relieved to spend time with guys who aren’t prancing around in golden underpants or arguing that the Earth is flat.
Finally, Becca and New Favorite head to the “Now the Guy Tells Some Personal Story of Adversity While Pushing Imaginary Food Around on His Plate” portion of the evening, where New Favorite tells Becca about how his grandmother had Alzheimer’s and it made his dad sad. Which, OK, that sucks for New Favorite Sr., but what does that have to do New Favorite as a potential romantic partner?
Whatever, Becca gives him the date rose, the end.
Back at the hotel, the men receive the next date card: “Indianapolis Colt, Chris Farley, Harry Potter, Baby Temper Tantrum, Cowboy, Sex Offender, Mr. Entitled: Let’s make history. Becca.” This means that Khal Drogo has finally landed a one-on-one with Becca and has an entire day to prep his hair.
Mr. Entitled, in his irritation at not receiving the one-on-one, is reduced to sputtering a bunch of dumb cliches about how it’s his “time to shine” and he has “tricks up [his] sleeve” and he’s going to “go all in, guns blazing,” that his “back is up against the wall” and that it’s “do or die” all of which seems excessively violent when all we’re talking about is a group date?
The next day, the manherd arrive at the Virginia state capitol where they are greeted by Becca, an Abraham Lincoln impersonator and some dude who claims he’s George Washington so I’m just going to assume that this guy was named after our first president because he bears no exactly no resemblance to the Founding Father.
“George” informs the men that they will be participating in the first (and last) ever debates of the Beccalection 2018. They are then sent outside to podiums set up on the capitol steps where they field mindless questions from Governor Ralph Northam and Abraham Lincoln.
However, when Sex Offender is asked how he envisions his future with Becca, Sex Offender makes it about Mr. Entitled, noting that it’s never once crossed his mind to pack his bags and go home UNLIKE SOME DUMB BABIES. Cowboy is then asked if he believes the other men are honest and transparent, but he gives some mumbly answer. So Chris Harrison poses the question to Mr. Entitled, who has shoved a wadded up orange napkin into his breast pocket for some unfathomable reason.
Mr. Entitled proceeds to go on a long rant about Sex Offender and how he’s a monster when Becca isn’t around — a point that I believe we can all agree with, most especially Sex Offender’s co-workers and Suffolk County. But then Mr. Entitled goes on to say into a microphone in front of children and the Governor of Virginia and Abraham Lincoln himself, that Sex Offender called him a “fat fuck.”
Meanwhile, I sincerely hope Venmo is having the time of his fucking life in Paradise.
That evening at the cocktail party, Sex Offender takes Becca aside first and tells her that Mr. Entitled is a dangerous weirdo that is freaking out the rest of the manherd. Read that sentence again: an actual convicted sex offender is warning the Bachelorette that this dude is dangerous — THAT’S HOW BAD MR. ENTITLEMENT IS.
Sex Offender is eventually interrupted by Mr. Entitled, and Becca is like, “GOOD TIMING, HAVE A SEAT, WE HAVE SOME THINGS TO TALK ABOUT.” Becca then reveals that Lincoln told her that the other men feel physically threatened and unsafe around him and that Baby Temper Tantrum moved out of the room he shared with him, he was so scared.
And honestly, it doesn’t matter what his response is, he’s already lost this debate by being an adult man wearing pants with holes in his knees:
So it is really no surprise when Chris Farley tries to interrupt for a little time and Becca is like, “NOPE, CAN’T, I’M DONE WITH MEN, EVERYONE GO AWAY.”
The men sulk downstairs where Chris Farley is like, “IMMA GONNA BE HELLA PISSED IF THIS CHUCKLEHEAD WHO CAN’T DRESS HIMSELF HAS RUINED MY CHANCES TO TALK TO BECCA AND OPEN MYSELF UP TO HER.” The other men concur.
Meanwhile, Mr. Entitled huffs at Baby Temper Tantrum for wanting to change rooms because he was scared of Mr. Entitled, and Baby Temper Tantrum is like, “I didn’t change rooms because I am scared of you — I changed rooms because you’re an asshole.”
Becca, for some reason, has not sworn off men altogether and retreated to the nearest lesbian bar, and eventually returns to the cocktail party to resume talking to the men and shove her tongue down Indianapolis Colt’s throat. She offers him the date rose.
Back at the hotel, Khal Drogo receives his date card: “The world is our oyster, Becca.” And with that, we have officially entered the part of the season where the date card writer just gives up.
Becca and Drogo fly over the Chesapeake in a private plane before arriving at a restaurant where Becca is like, “Look, thanks to your fellow dudebros, I’ve had a REALLY SHITTY 24 hours and I am just not in the mood to do any of this, so sorry if I act like a total bitchface on this date. It’s really not you.”
And Khal Drogo, bless his Dothraki heart, he’s all, “Here’s the thing, I know I look like a caricature, but I’m very serious about this whole process. And if you wanted to be with me, I’d be yours in the real world.” Drogo then says in an interview that there is no reason Becca should be feeling terrible going into the dates with the final nine men and that she “should feel like she has the freedom to choose and do what she wants and make the best decision for her future.” AND IT IS RIDICULOUS THAT A MAN SAYING THAT A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE PERSONAL AUTONOMY IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME ROOT FOR HIM ON THIS DUMB SHOW, BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE WITH THIS GROUP OF MONSTERS.
They then strap on some waders, wander into the bay, shuck and eat some oysters and I am heartbroken because I know that Drogo isn’t going to win this thing, BUT HE SHOULD.
That night, Khal Drogo opens up about feeling like he disappointed his father by not becoming a professional baseball player — which, Jesus Christ, what? that’s the bar that his father set for him: PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL PLAYER? — but whatever, Becca offers him the date rose and then they go to the “Private Concert by Someone Named Morgan Evans” where they are mobbed by people who are not Watcher Whitney.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Mr. Entitlement is furiously writing some sort of manifesto …
… and when Khal Drogo returns from his date with his braid intact, Mr. Entitled grabs his coat and stomps out of his hotel over to Becca’s hotel, fuming that she can’t choose Sex Offender because he “eats 12 eggs everyday. His cholesterol has to be 6000.”
And I honestly could not have written a funnier line for one of these dummies if you had given me a year and Tina Fey’s brain.
So this asshole, he marches up to her door, yammering about how she needs to feel his “passion.” EW, NO, PUT THAT AWAY. Becca greets this unexpected and uninvited visit with about 57 separate “What are you doing here?”s, SO, NO, I DON’T THINK SHE IS INTERESTED IN YOUR “PASSION,” DUDE.
But Becca allows him inside where he sits her down to tell her that he needs her to forget about all the other bullshit that has happened between them because strongly believes in them as a couple and can see himself marrying her, “100%,” to which Becca is like, O RLY? WHAT CHANGED? BECAUSE LAST WEEK YOU WERE PACKING YOUR SUITCASE AND PLANNING TO LEAVE. ALSO, I HAD TRIED TO GIVE YOU A FRESH START BUT YOUR PETTY ASS AND GIANT FUCKING HANDKERCHIEF HAD TO GO EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF ABRAHAM MOTHERFUCKING LINCOLN SO YOU KNOW WHAT, TAKE YOUR SHITTY WARDROBE, YOUR OVERBLOWN SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT AND YOUR CHUCK E. CHEESE LOOKIN FACE AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE.
And I was going to put a funny gif of someone blinking or being huffy here to represent Mr. Entitlement’s reaction to Becca sending him home, but honestly, the look on his face is chilling. I’m not in his head, I don’t know if he intended it to be threatening, but Becca certainly picks up on that vibe because it is definitely a “BITCH, IF THESE CAMERAS WEREN’T HERE RIGHT NOW” vibe, and she’s like, “Alright! Time for you to get the fuck out of my hotel room! Let me walk you to the door.” Mr. Entitlement protests that he doesn’t “need” a walk out, and Becca, bless her, is all, “YOU DON’T NEED ANYTHING. I’M JUST GOING TO GIVE YOU THAT RESPECT.” And with that, she shoves him out the door and locks it behind him because fuck that dangerous angry shitbird.
Some people and things Mr. Entitlement looks like:
Finally, the rose ceremony, and you men are damned fools if you think Becca is going to waste her time on a cocktail ceremony with you, go get in line.
Rose #1: Chris Farley
Rose #2: Cowboy
Rose #3: Harry Potter
Which means goodbye Baby Temper Tantrum. Your hair is stupid and your personality was stupider. And goodbye Sex Offender. You were so shitty, so toxic, the producers didn’t even give you a goodbye package, that’s how badly they wish you had never been on this show.
Say goodbye to the men who have been eliminated:
Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Becca. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:
The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.
Yes while I was watching and heard the “12 eggs” line I knew you would come up with something LOLable. A year and Tina Fey’s brain. Hahaha! You are too good.
I thought you were being facetious about Abraham Lincoln … WHY, WHY BACHELORETTE PRODUCERS?!? WAS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO FIND A GINGER TO DRESS UP AS THOMAS JEFFERSON?!?