‘The Bachelorette’: In which Wayne Newton gets involved

The Bachelorette
June 25, 2018

The manherd is on the move again. Next stop: Las Vegas. Because, as Becca explains to the men in their high roller’s suite: taking chances, rolling the dice, taking risks, betting it all on love.

eric true blood eye roll

The next morning, we learn that at least some of the men actually watch this show, as one notes that the “inevitable 2-on-1 date” is sure to happen soon. And he’s right! But it’s not going to happen today, as the first date card arrives: “Indianapolis Colt: Let’s ride into the sunset together.”

Indianapolis Colt is immediately sent down to a limo and driven out to a camel ranch, where Becca is waiting for him. Because … wait for it … they need to get over the humps of past relationships. YEP. THIS WAS A THING THAT WAS ACTUALLY SAID.

So the two, they ride camels through the desert, and apparently, camels don’t like to walk side-by-side, so there isn’t much conversation happening. Also, tragically for my own entertainment value, neither camel is a hilarious renegade like The Countess’ that one time on RHONY:

the countess camel rhony real housewives of new york
never 4get

Pity.

Eventually, they arrive at a shoddy hot tub plopped down in the middle of the desert and abandon their dromedaries for bathing suits and glasses of wine. There, they chat about how it is going so far, agree that the whole Sooey Jr. subplot is fully behind them, and make out.

That evening at dinner, Indianapolis Colt reveals that he’s only been in one relationship before: he told the woman he loved her, she never said it back, and she eventually dumped him. Therefore, Indianapolis Colt rather melodramatically explains, he associates love with confusion and pain. He also assures her that unlike that asshole from last week, he’s not going to be throwing the word “love” around lightly. That said, she is “helping him take down his walls” and other cliches that convince her to offer him the date rose.

Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives: “Harry Potter, Chris Farley, Cowboy, Venmo, Baby Temper Tantrum, Khal Drogo, Sex Offender, New Favorite and Gospel Choir: I’m looking for Mr. Las Vegas.” But the men are less interested in the date than who was left off of it: Chicken Head and Zoolander, our 2-on-1 daters. As if there was ever any doubt.

The next day, the men are driven out to a ridiculously garish estate where they are greeted by Becca and Wayne Fucking Newton and the terrifying drum skin that has become his face. MEN: FACELIFTS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS.

Wayne Newton gives the men a tour of the expansive grounds before bringing them inside where he sings a couple of bars of “Danke Schoen” at them. He then explains that “music is what love is all about,” whatever that means, before bringing his wife into the room to sing “Danke Schoen” right in her face in an effort to prove that it sounds different when he is singing the song to someone he loves. The only thing that it actually proves is that I am made VERY UNCOMFORTABLE watching Wayne Newton sing at his wife.

Wayne Newton then explains that the men are all going to write their own version of “Danke Schoen” about Becca EVEN THOUGH WE LITERALLY JUST HAD A SONGWRITING DATE WITH RICHARD MARX. OH MY GOD, SHOW, WHY ARE YOU SO LAZY? It’s one thing to recycle dates or locations from season to season, BUT YOU DON’T GET TO RECYCLE A DATE IDEA WITHIN TWO EPISODES.

tywin game of thrones try harder.gif

Ugh. So, the men write their dumb songs, after which Wayne Newton reveals the second part of the date: “Your songs are shit, but here, put on these tuxedos, you’re going to perform them in front of a live audience anyway.”

The men are then loaded back up into a limo and driven back to Las Vegas where, in some small cabaret, they each sing their terrible butchered “Danke Schoens.” But while they are terrible songwriters, they are also terrible singers. Gospel Choir, however, really embraces the singing part, and everyone agrees that he did the best job. We’ll just have to take their word for it.

After, Becca and the men go to some empty arena for the after party, where Gospel Choir is so confident that his singing performance has earned him the rose that he doesn’t bother taking Becca aside to chat. Instead, she spends her time with Chris Farley and Cowboy, the latter telling her he’s falling in love with her, earning himself the date rose to the utter and complete shock of Gospel Choir. It’s delicious.

Gospel Choir then begins bitching that he’s SHOOK and BAFFLED and MAYBE HE’LL JUST GO HOME SINCE SHE CLEARLY ISN’T INTERESTED IN HIM.

stephen colbert goodbye fuck you

Spoiler alert: He doesn’t go home.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Chicken Head spends his time waiting for the dreaded 2-on-1 date card by taunting Zoolander about his golden underpants. The card finally arrives: “Meet me in the Valley of Fire. — Becca,” which sounds appropriately threatening.

The next morning, these two idiots are driven out to the desert, where they meet Becca who is waiting for them by a Jeep. She drives them further into the desert to the designated 2-on-1 date bed, where she encourages the men to take in the silence.

Chicken Head: “IT’S UNREAL. IT’S QUIET. TO BE ABLE TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH YOU, IT COUNTS, IT’S IMPORTANT TO ME, AND I’M PUMPED TO BE HERE, SO, I’M HAPPY TO BE SPENDING THE DAY WITH YOU. THIS IS AWESOME. AND NICE TO GET AWAY FOR A LITTLE BIT. … JUST ABSORB THE SILENCE.”

Realizing that this doofus isn’t going to stop talking, Becca takes Chicken Head aside to chat. Chicken Head begins well enough, talking about how happy he is to be spending time with her. But within two sentences he’s tattling on Zoolander for talking about other women and models he wants to hook up with and how just last night in the casino he was bragging about all the women who were checking him out and oh by the way, he also said that by dating Becca he’s settling, so.

Becca is understandably furious at this last revelation, having been called “the safe choice” by her former fiance’s new fiance, and takes Zoolander aside to confront him about it. He insists that none of it is true, Chicken Head is a lying liar who lies, and he is the only honest person in the manherd. Zoolander then explains that if she chooses him, he’ll be a loyal partner because his mother is mentally ill.

eddie murpy are you kidding what fourth wall

Zoolander’s logic is such: his father has stayed married to his mentally ill mother for 27 years. Ergo, Zoolander will be faithful to Becca … who is crazy in this equation? And, also, I’m not sure how his father’s fidelity reflects on him — especially since 4,000 TINDER MATCHES — but hey, I’ll give him credit, he’s at least opening up about his own life instead of just talking shit about Chicken Head.

Becca, thoroughly unsure whom to believe, stomps off into the desert to think things over. Zoolander, meanwhile, returns to Chicken Head to scream at him for telling Becca that he said he’d be settling for her WHICH IS THE SINGLE MOST HURTFUL THING A GIRL COULD HEAR (it’s probably not). BEING ZOOLANDER IS ZOOLANDER’S GREATEST POWER. SINCE CHICKEN HEAD CAN’T BE ZOOLANDER HE DOESN’T HAVE THIS GREATEST POWER AND THE ONLY THING HE COULD DO WAS TALK SHIT ABOUT ZOOLANDER. CHICKEN HEAD IS WORSE THAN NEEDLEDICK.

Becca returns to the men and demands to know if the word “settle” was actually ever uttered and Chicken Head backs away from his accusation, saying that it felt like Zoolander was suggesting that he would be settling for Becca. Which, of course, is something different altogether. As such, after declaring that she’s sick of their bickering and that they are acting like sixth graders, she tells Chicken Head to go cross the road, he won’t be getting the rose today.

it's over go home ferris bueller

But calm down over there, Zoolander, she’s not giving it to you just yet, either. Instead, the two get into the Jeep, leaving Chicken Head in the desert to think about his choices.

That night over dinner, Becca invites Zoolander to ask her anything, and the best he can come up with is asking what she does on the weekend, before launching into a long description about how he spends his weekends at the gym and getting his hair and skin taken care of because that’s what successful models do. When Becca asks him how accurate the film Zoolander is, Zoolander assures us that it is EXTREMELY accurate …

blackish skeptical what come on

…  before lamenting that he doesn’t have his portfolio to show her. MEN: NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR PORTFOLIOS.

Zoolander then kisses her at which point Becca is like, “yeah, OK, I can’t keep doing this, go home, dude.”

it's over go home ferris bueller

Zoolander, stunned that someone as pretty as him would be rejected, laments in the car ride to the airport that Becca has never met anyone like him: he is unique, he is smart, he has a look, he can speak, he can walk … WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE?

(Meanwhile, back at the hotel as his suitcase is removed from the room, the room erupts in cheers.)

Zoolander continues to wonder what went wrong, before noting that he’s still “on a journey for love.” And I am going to stop you right there, baby, AIN’T NO CHANCE YOU’RE GONNA BE THE NEXT BACHELOR, JUST GET THAT THOUGHT OUT OF YOUR EMPTY HAMSTER BRAIN RIGHT NOW.

Finally, it’s rose ceremony cocktail party time and Becca, having been informed by someone (the producers) takes Gospel Choir aside immediately to talk about his little snit after not receiving the group date rose. Gospel Choir, who has had a change of heart about self-deporting himself off the show, first says that she “owes [him] 50,000 kisses” …

no honey rhony heather

… before whining that he didn’t get a chance to talk to her at the group date, and he was shocked when she gave the rose to someone else. But Becca is like, “LOOK, ASSHOLE, I KNOW YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO GO HOME. IF YOU WANT TO GO HOME, DO IT, BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOU THROWING TANTRUMS BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T BE BOTHERED TO GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO TRY TO TALK TO ME.” Gospel Choir Mr. Entitled here explains that Becca clearly doesn’t know how much he likes her, and she’s like, “UH YEAH, BECAUSE YOU WERE THREATENING TO GO HOME TWO DAYS AGO,” before declaring that she’s frustrated with the conversation and does not want to talk to him anymore, please to go away now.

Becca begins talking to the other men while Mr. Entitled pouts and fumes. At one point he decides that he needs to prove to her that he’s willing to fight for her, and to that end, he interrupts her conversation with Harry Potter.

Harry Potter agrees to let him speak to her, but only for two minutes because he himself just sat down with Becca and Mr. Entitled already had a chance to talk to her. So Harry Potter (in a FINE plaid suit, by the way) steps aside, but, true to his word, returns after about two minutes and Mr. Entitled is SO MAD. The men have a tense stare-down until Becca promises to find Mr. Entitled and talk with him later, PLEASE TO GO AWAY NOW, YOU CREEP.

Unsurprisingly, the other men are less than sympathetic to Mr. Entitled’s plight and helpfully remind him that he is, in fact, not the only person here trying to have a relationship with Becca.

Finally, Becca does collect Mr. Entitled for one more chat where he tells her that he can see her as his wife, that he’s “legit” falling for her, that he thinks they have something special and that he done fucked up.

ron swanson parks and rec yep yes

After their talk, Mr. Entitled is still worried, but more for Becca than himself: if she sends him home, she’d be losing an amazing guy, a best friend and an amazing husband.

This piece of work right here.

And with that, all that’s left is handing out the roses.

Rose #1: Chris Farley
Rose #2: New Favorite
Rose #3: Harry Potter
Rose #4: Sex Offender
Rose #5: Khal Drogo
Rose #6: Baby Temper Tantrum
Rose #7: Mr. Entitled

WHICH, JUST, UGH. BUT I DON’T KNOW WHY I SHOULD BE SURPRISED. AFTER ALL, THIS IS THE GIRL THAT FELL IN LOVE WITH NEEDLEDICK AND IS GOING TO ULTIMATELY CHOOSE THE GUY WHO THINKS THROWING IMMIGRANT CHILDREN OVER A WALL IS HILARIOUS SO IT’S NOT LIKE SHE IS A GREAT JUDGE OF CHARACTER.

Still, I was really looking forward to not having to look at that supraorbital ridge anymore.

Which means, bye, Venmo. You never had a chance, honey. It’s frankly surprising you stuck around as long as you did.

it's over go home ferris bueller

Say goodbye to the men who have been eliminated:

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Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Becca. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:

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The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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