The Bachelorette
June 11, 2018
We open the episode with some handy reminders: Model Guy hates Chicken Guy and Chicken Guy hates Model Guy and neither of them knows the word “disingenuous.” Also, Indianapolis Colt dated Sooey Jr. back when he and everyone else including yours truly assumed she was going to be the Bachelorette.
Chris Harrison delivers the first date card while thanking Zoolander wearing pants because that’s how low the bar has been set with these idiots. “Harry Potter, Disney, Zoolander, Chicken Head, Monsieur Colognoisseur, and Indianapolis Colt: It’s time to relax.”
Meanwhile, at a spa somewhere, Becca welcomes a bunch of her fellow Bachelor contestants: Pixie, Realtor, Taxiderpy, Too Good for Arie, and, of course, Sooey Jr. because this date was the first one the producers arranged as soon as they found out Indianapolis Colt and Sooey Jr. had dated. In fact, this whole thing is so transparent: the show certainly discovered in the casting process that Indianapolis Colt and Sooey Jr. had dated, and the producers encouraged him to reveal this to Becca in the second episode so that they could set up this date in the third.
And sure enough, when the women arrive, Becca explains to them that Sooey Jr. happened to date one of the men they are about to meet because they all live in this tiny self-contained Truman Show-like universe in which all Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants are mysteriously drawn to each other, perhaps by the magnetic powers of Tummy Tea and self-loathing.
The men arrive at the spa, and Becca explains instead of being pampered, they will be doing the pampering. Becca then introduces the men to her friends, and in the process completely forgets Disney’s name, which, honestly, is only reasonable. And Sooey Jr., who had assured Becca that it wouldn’t be weird to be around Indianapolis Colt, well, she lied.
So the men rub the women’s feet and paint their fingernails and massage Becca but this is really all about Sooey Jr. and Indianapolis Colt, so Becca eventually takes Sooey Jr. aside for a private conversation about what happened. Of course, this could have happened before the men arrived — or, crazy thought, OFF CAMERA — but, you know, TV.
Sooey Jr. reveals that the most she and Indianapolis Colt did was kiss, and there was no established relationship. He did tell her that he was applying to be on the show and Becca asks Sooey Jr. if she thought he was hoping Sooey Jr. would be the Bachelorette. “Probab– possibly?” Sooey Jr. answers, catching herself before she told the truth. She then adds, “I hope he’s here for you!”
That evening, Becca is alone with the men because they’ll get plenty of time with her friends later this summer in Paradise. Hilariously, before Becca arrives, Monsieur Colognoisseur is all, “let’s behave with integrity and let Becca have a chance to talk to everyone before someone just whisks her away,” only to whisk her away the moment she sits down. Well played, monsieur.
While Becca is busy apologizing to Disney for forgetting his name, Indianapolis Colt asks Zoolander what it was that he was saying about Tinder the other day? You know, that thing that he said off-camera? Zoolander is all, “Oh, that thing where I received a notification from Tinder congratulating him on having 4,000 matches in 2017? And that 100% of the women I swipe on, swipes right on me? Pretty cool, right?”
“Cool cool cool,” Chicken Head says before immediately tattling to Becca about Zoolander’s 4,000 matches. “I get along with most of the guys,” he explains before telling her about Tindergate, “Zoolander is the exception. I mean, the guy showed up in his underwear!”
NARRATOR VOICE:
After chatting with Chicken Head, Becca joins the men and is all, “Hey! Zoolander! 4,000 matches? HIGH FIVE, BUD.” Zoolander, unsurprisingly, is not happy with Chicken Head for sharing this information — information he was moments earlier quite proud of — with Becca, and repeatedly calls Chicken Head a bitch and a “skeleton of a man,” which I will give points for creativity.
Zoolander then tries to salvage the situation with Becca, who is all, “Bro, it was a joke, calm down.” Zoolander explains how difficult it is to be a model and to find someone who matches a model’s “intensity.” Becca, who is clearly amused at just how stupid this plasticine imbecile is, asks what he’s like as a romantic partner, and he begins rattling off what appear to be qualifications to be a nanny: he cooks, he cleans, he’s like a golden retriever.
Dude, you said it, not me.
To the other men’s profound amusement, Zoolander then returns o continue yelling at Chicken Head. He also does this?
Prompting Chicken Head to what the name of this particular look is, is it the “Pensive Gentleman” or the “Clint Eastwood?” Zoolander replies that it’s really funny that Chicken Head thinks he’s a joke because he’s a Wilhelmina model, not that Chicken Head even knows what that means.
So let’s have Zoolander explain what that means:
I have an image, and if you’re trying to tear down my image and my three-year contract with them, it’s actually pretty serious. It’s something some people consider the top. So if you’re trying to do that, you’re failing at it, because guess what? Attached to me is professionality.
It’s my face. It’s in everything I do. It’s the way I walk and it’s the way I talk, okay? So, if you want to try to wreck my image, you’ll never succeed. You know why? Because my image is me.
As Disney says, “That was fucking amazing.” Yes, it was, Disney. Yes, it was. And now, Disney, you are my New Favorite. Welcome to your new nickname.
Meanwhile, Becca is still here and she finally gets around to talking to Indianapolis Colt to grill him about his relationship with Sooey Jr. The entirety of the interrogation:
Becca: Are you here because you want to date me?
Indianapolis Colt: Yep.
Becca: I’M CONVINCED, LET’S MAKE OUT.
Becca gives Indianapolis Colt the date rose, INFURIATING Zoolander who is pretty sure Chicken Head’s shenanigans cost him the obvious win. But that’s fine because Zoolander is now going to “be extremely implicit with [his] strategy” whatever the hell that means. Also, he adds, “karma is karma.” Indeed!
Back at the McMANsion, the 1-on-1 date card is delivered: “Gospel Choir: Let’s make your heart sing.”
Becca picks Gospel Choir up in a limo and takes him to Capitol Records where they meet … Richard Marx? Wait, Richard Marx? Richard Marx with the mullet? That Richard Marx? He’s still alive? HUH! WHO KNEW?
Sadly, when we meet Richard Marx, his glorious mullet is but a memory, along with his career. OOH — MAYBE IT WAS THE MULLET. DID IT HAVE SAMSON-LIKE POWERS?
Anyway, the demulleted Richard Marx explains that they will be writing a love song and Gospel Choir turns about 15 shades of green.
🤢
I feel ya, Gospel Choir.
It turns out Gospel Choir has a Tragic Backstory and this entire date was designed to trigger him. Gospel Choir is a child of divorce, and a few years ago he wrote his father a letter telling him he wanted him in his life, but his father never responded. And so now Gospel Choir associates the written word with abandonment and daddy issues.
Afer a great deal of struggle and ennui, the pair reveals to each other what they have come up with:
Becca: “You brought out a smile on a rainy day, I want to hear more of what you have to say.”
Catchy!
Gospel Choir: “Seeing who you were made me take a risk. That first night out the limo, different emotions in the mix. Hard for me to break down walls, opening up didn’t seem to exist. But then I looked into those beautiful eyes, breaking down my walls, I couldn’t resist. Your smile captivates me, your eyes give me hope. I see you at the end of this, what I envision the most.”
And then Gospel Choir and Becca make out in front of Richard Marx who just sits there like a weirdo.
Speaking of weirdos, the show is then interrupted for a good 10 minutes while Donald Jennifer Trump and Kim Jong-Un give the world an overhyped photo op.
When we return from Singapore, Becca and Gospel Choir are at dinner where Gospel Choir shares his sob story about his dad, and Becca offers him the rose, obviously, because what is she going to do, double down on his abandonment issues? They then enjoy a private concert by … wait for it … 1990’s sensation, Richard Marx!
Hey, at least it’s a singer I’ve heard of for a change.
Back at the house, the final date card arrives: “Play-Doh, Khal Drogo, Smooth, Banjo, Venmo, Chris Farley, Man Bun #2, Crybaby, Baby Temper Tantrum, and Cowboy: We can tackle anything together.” To these dummies’ credit, they immediately figure out what they will be doing on the date: FISHING FOOTBALL.
And then Zoolander over here, still angry that he didn’t receive the group date rose that he was NEVER GOING TO RECEIVE, asks Indianapolis Colt about Sooey Jr., but Indianapolis Colt, is like, “I am not here for your drama, you stupid messy bitch.”
Fast forward to later that night, as Chicken Head is taken out of the house on a stretcher, and the camera focuses long and hard on a pool of blood. Crybaby explains that he woke up to Cowboy screaming Chicken Head’s name and standing over Chicken Head’s unmoving body in a pool of blood. GRACIOUS! WHAT HAPPENED?
Well, Chris Harrison explains to Becca, there was “an incident” in the house and Chicken Head is in intensive care. He was badly hurt: his face and nose are busted. Becca demands to know who did this to him, and Chris Harrison has to explain that no one did: Chicken Head fell out of bed.
“Oh,” Becca says, “So we can just, like, go on to the next date then?”
The men are taken to a football field where they are greeted by Becca and a pair of players from the Legends Football League, also known as the professional football league whose players are forced to play in their panties because men are gross and it’s the only way to get them to watch.
The men suit up and then the scary lady football players bark at them through a series of drills. Shockingly, Play-Doh, the professional football player, performs impressively. Also shockingly, the British guy does not.
The men are then split into teams and take to the field, and they don’t broadcast the part where they played the national anthem BUT I DEMAND TO KNOW HOW MANY OF THEM KNEELED.
Anyway, the game is much tighter than it has any reason to be considering there is a professional football player on the damn field. Speaking of, Play-Doh, who is somehow on the losing team (because he’s on the same team as the British guy who has NO idea how any of this works), decides to tie up the game in the last seconds and makes a heroic push into the end zone. However, in the process, he lands on his wrist funny, and he, too, has to be taken away by an ambulance.
So, the group date cocktail party. Becca chats with Chris Farley who picks her up like a sack of potatoes for some reason. Meanwhile, Cowboy glowers and pouts because he doesn’t like the idea of his “girlfriend” dating other men, also known as the entire premise of the show.
Play-Doh returns from the hospital and explains that he will have to see an orthopedic surgeon in the morning. Becca rewards him the rose explaining that it would have been easy for Play-Doh to have been arrogant or cocky on his date, but instead he never made any of the other men intimidated. Also, too, he got hurt and she feels bad.
Finally, the rose ceremony cocktail party. I could give you a description of her dumb conversations with some of the men, but who really cares. The only thing you need to know that happens is that Play-Doh, having now visited with an orthopedic surgeon, was given the unfortunate news that he needs surgery immediately if he is going to salvage his football career. So, reluctantly, Play-Doh returns the date rose from the night before and walks out of the McMansion straight to the hospital and from there, onto a plane to Paradise. See you this summer, Play-Doh!
Say goodbye to the men who have been eliminated:
Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Becca. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:
The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.