‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Get thee to therapy

The Real Housewives of New York
“Grief and Relief”
May 9, 2018

Let’s begin with Tinsley and Princess Carole meeting for breakfast — breakfast that takes place in a restaurant, not that you would know that since Princess Too Lazy to Get Dressed over here arrives in her pajamas. What has happened to Her Royal Snazziness’ wardrobe this season, you guys? Princess and the Pea used to have the fashion game locked up on this show and now she’s dressing like she ran out of a hotel fire at 3 a.m.

While ordering her breakfast, Her Regalness allows her true princessiness to shine through, ordering three eggs: one hardboiled, two scrambled and insists that THEY MUSTN’T TOUCH, before canceling the cheese on Tinsley’s avocado toast. (But to be fair, cheese has no business on avocado toast, that’s literally the law.)

The ladies briefly discuss Tinsley’s trip to Chicago — it went fine — before Princess of Dumpsville, Population: Her reveals that the Marquess of Jalapeño Poppers announced that he went out with someone else and he really liked her — thereby violating his non-spoken agreement with Her Polishness. Her Not So Sereness After All declares it’s COMPLETELY AND FOR REALLY OVER SHE’S NOT KIDDING THIS TIME between herself and the Earl of Spinach.

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Pour one out for love, you guys.

But to be fair to the Duke of Ranch Dip here: 1. according to Her Royal Aloofness, he begged her to get back together and she declined and 2. their agreement to see other people was “unspoken” so 3. he might not have known that she intended to keep him forever dangling on a string and unavailable to other women.

#TeamAdam.

In Sonjaland, Sonja has a real estate agent walk through Grey Gardens to give an assessment on what work needs to be done on the townhome before she can put it on the rental market for $32,000 A MONTH. For that kind of money, ERRRRRRRYTHING NEEDS TO BE FUCKING PERFECT. THE FAUCETS NEED TO POUR LIQUID GOLD. THE TOILETS NEED TO NO LONGER EXIST BECAUSE ONCE YOU MOVE INTO THIS PROPERTY SUCH VULGAR BODILY FUNCTIONS CEASE TO HAPPEN. THERE SHOULD BE ENDLESS FREE APPETIZERS.

Instead, the sink is cracked, the walls are peeling, there’s crap — LITERAL DOG CRAP — everywhere and Sonja is exhausted at the mere thought of doing the work that is necessary to make the joint someplace someone would happily spend $32,000 A MONTH on instead of asking themselves how they turned into literal human monsters.

Later, the real estate agent brings Travis the Photographer with her to shoot Sonja’s townhouse, and Sonja is immediately irritated to discover that Travis the Photographer is married. However, she is slightly relieved to discover that Travis the Photographer is married to a man, because this somehow makes her feel less rejected by him.

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It doesn’t mean she doesn’t give it the ol’ college try, though. Sonja asks him if he might be bisexual, and when he replies no, she delivers a bit of wisdom supposedly passed down by her grandmother: “If I buy something for you, will you be sexual?”

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I 100% percent believe that this is something Sonja Morgan’s grandmother used to say.

Elsewhere, The Countess meets her daughter Victoria for coffee where the two mostly talk about Tom the Cheater, and The Countess wonders aloud why she felt she had to get married …

carole rhony head tilt nod real houswives

… and Victoria is all, “Yeah, I never liked that guy. He was an asshole and I told him as much to his face. Fuck him.” The end.

So. The big story of the episode is that Bethenny has invited Dorinda to join her on a trip to Puerto Rico since Dorinda is supposedly the only cast member that has expressed any interest in the work Bethenny has done down there.

And while the two of them are in Miami visiting the warehouse where Bethenny’s partners have accumulated diapers and paper throwing towels, Tinsley, Ramona and Her Highness are in Manhattan receiving manicures. There, Ramona reveals to a shocked Princess Carole that Bethenny took Dorinda to Puerto Rico. Ramona was just surprised since she always thought of Her Royal Journalist as the type who would appreciate a humanitarian mission like that, and mentioned it because she thought Princess Warzone would like to know, not because she was trying to stir shit up between the two women, why would you even suggest that? Princess Radzi, looking forlorn, replies that she would have gone had Bethenny asked before just kinda trailing off …

It’s all very sad.

Back in Miami, Bethenny walks Dorinda through her admittedly impressive facility, and explains that she and her team were literally the first people to arrive in Puerto Rico, some 13 days after the hurricane. FEMA hadn’t arrived yet. That is deplorable. And I want you to remember that when you read this story that despite the government’s official count of 64 deaths from Hurricane Maria, the actual number is somewhere around 4,645. And a number of those were certainly preventable had our government made more of an effort to take care of its own people than a reality star with her own low-sugar margarita brand did.

Bethenny also explains that they are going to hand out cash cards to people so that they can put the money back into the economy and provide themselves what they need with a bit of dignity and freedom.

Then they go to dinner.

tina fey disappointed sigh blerg

Bethenny, her partners on this project and one Very Drunk Dorinda go to a sushi joint and at first Dorinda praises the group for the work they’ve done as “big shit, real shit.” Indeed.

But when one of Bethenny’s partners starts talking about the work he did in Haiti following the earthquake, Dorinda starts questioning whether or not what they are doing will actually help these countries become self-sustainable. Understandably, the dude’s feathers are ruffled, and he explains that in fact, the kids they worked with are in college now, some 7 years after a catastrophic earthquake left their country in ruins. But Drunk Dorinda is drunk and begins yell-slurring that her dead husband did work in Haiti and Costa Rica and they gave money and YOU DON’T KNOW HER.

Bethenny, having had enough, tells Dorinda that she’s reconsidering bringing Dorinda  to Puerto Rico, and Dorinda is all, “FYYYHNnnNnnneeee I won’t come I don’t need you, I DON’T NEEEED NONE OF YOUOOSSSS,” before stumbling away from the table and into the kitchen.

jerry o'connell is dorinda rhony drunk slurring

After she leaves, Bethenny explains to her New-to-Housewife-Behavior friends that Dorinda has good intentions, she’s going to regret this in the morning, and that she hopes Dorinda comes to Puerto Rico, because SHE NEEDS IT.

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The next morning, Bethenny and Dorinda head to the private plane as if nothing had happened the night before. But once they are in the air, and there is nowhere for Dorinda to escape to, Bethenny decides that she has to address the drunk on the plane.

Bethenny begins by telling Dorinda that she doesn’t want to get her fur up, but the truth is that when she’s been drinking, Dorinda goes to a 16 out of a 10, and she’s meaner to Bethenny than Ramona is. But that Bethenny lets it slide because she knows Dorinda is a drunk.

shocked hawk

Dorinda first protests that she shouldn’t drink without eating, and Bethenny’s all, “Yeah, it’s more than that. I’m scared of you.” And then Dorinda begins opening up about her life as a widow and how much she’s changed and how much she misses being a wife and a mother and how this just isn’t the life she expected and how she can’t quite commit herself to Fudgie the Whale but she also can’t quite let him go because she’s afraid of being in an abyss of lonlieness but at the same time, she’s not the same person who first started dating Fudgie the Whale because she’s not the same person who buried Richard and that maybe her gift to herself for 2018 will be some therapy.

you get a therapist oprah

And then they hug and OH MY GOD AM I ACTUALLY FEELING SOMETHING? DID THIS SHOW MAKE ME FEEL SOMETHING?

you get a therapist oprah

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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