‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Hurry up and shove 30 bobby pins into your uncombed hair, we’ve got a reunion to get to

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Reunion, Part 1”
April 24, 2018

Oh hello! Say, has it been a month since The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion aired? And did I promise that I’d have all these fucking recaps up about two weeks ago? And did I not do that? HA SORRY LIFE HAPPENS AND SO DOES TV.

(I know you don’t give a shit about this, but just as a means of explanation, May is the absolute worst fucking month of the year for your friendly neighborhood TV blogger, what with all the cancellations and renewals and the Upfronts and then all the summer television news and my kids finishing up their school years so there are exactly one million tests, projects and events to deal with and I’M DOING MY BEST, OK? ~collapses in a sobbing heap wondering where the gin and tonic she desperately needs is~)

So, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion for one of the most boring seasons of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Let’s do this.

Andy Cohen begins as he always does by welcoming the women individually:

Kyle has — GASP! — actually cut her hair. And it looks nice! It’s going to be harder to get attention by swinging it around in the middle of a party like an asshole, but it looks nice.

Lisa Vanderpump and Andy Cohen note that this is the day of the year where their friendship “goes on the skids.” Happy Go on the Skids Day, everyone!

Teddi announces she was NOT the first person on the couch, that honor goes to Rinna.

Dorit is looking forward to getting through the night, and taking out the three hundred bobby pins she has stapled to her hair for some reason.

Rinna’s hair is curled within an inch of its life, in what she refers to has her “Playboy” style from ten years ago, but I suspect it is actually serving a means of distraction so people won’t pay attention to whatever this allergic reaction she is currently having that has caused her face to puff up to a third of its normal size. Are you OK, Rinna? Do you need some Benadryl, Rinna? An Epi-Pen?

Dorit also manages to serve a nice little backhanded compliment about how “of course” Rinna was able to to do Playboy ten years ago — because that’s how old she is: old enough that she was still good-looking as an old woman doing Playboy ten years ago.

SHADE! rupaul drag race

 

When Andy Cohen compliments Erika on her high ponytail, she explains that it is a “teardrop,” whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean.

Andy Cohen then begins the actual reunion with a montage: “Old Bitches Get Shit Done.”

The women pat themselves on the back for not withering up and dying upon their 40th birthday, exclaiming that it’s “a great message” for women. OK calm down, Gloria Steinems.

Andy Cohen asks Erika about her book — which is apparently already on its third printing — specifically about a passage where she says she’s afraid of really losing her temper on someone on the show because she’d “eviscerate” them. And Andy Cohen and the ladies are all, “Wait, you haven’t lost your temper on the show?”

But Erika insists that she hasn’t, that Hong Kong was “fear” and the “Church Key” dinner was “frustration,” and that they’ve never seen her when she’s really angry.

Andy Cohen wonders why her cowriter interviewed everyone but Tom, and Erika gives some vague answer about how she wanted to be the one to write about her husband. So has Tom read it?

No.

Has her mother read it?

No.

Wait, no one she knows has read the book which has been out for a couple of months now?

No.

Moving on, a viewer asks Rinna if she’d ever go back to Days of Our Lives fulltime, and she’s like, “Aw hell naw, soap operas don’t pay,” which is an interesting little something something I did not know!

Andy Cohen then points out that Dorit’s swimwear line had a bathing suit named after each of the cast — except for Teddi. “And Camille,” Dorit adds, even though Camille is merely a “Friend of the Housewives” which in fact makes the Teddi diss even worse.

Teddi agrees that it sucks to be excluded, and adds that only after watching the season back did she realize that she and Dorit weren’t as good of friends as she thought they were, what with the eye rolling and the carrying on every time Teddi called. Dorit, in a move that can only be called “Pulling a Trump,” or an “I’m Rubber, You’re Glue,” explains that the reason she was shitty about Teddi behind Teddi’s back was because Teddi was one person to her face and another behind Dorit’s back —

Jordan Klepper gaslight

—¬†and Teddi is like, “No, wait, that’s what I’m saying about you? You can’t accuse me of the thing I am accusing you of?”

That brings us to our next montage: “Boring Teddi is Boring.”

The montage ends on a weird note that was not a large part of the season: Teddi’s struggles to become pregnant with her son, which makes Teddi burst into tears on the couch because THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS INTENDED TO DO. (They have to make her interesting somehow.) She starts burbling about how she can’t go through the in vitro process again — as if someone other than her five-year-old is demanding that she do so — and everyone makes very sympathetic faces, while Dorit urges her to go get a dog at VanderPets.

Andy Cohen then asks Teddi if she ever considered naming her kids “Jack and Diane,” which would honestly have been the best and worst possible thing she could have ever done.

A viewer asks if being a professional equestrian isn’t some rich person bullshit, and Teddi gets all defensive about how she had to work for a living and it wasn’t like Daddy just handed her fortune — just maybe a job at CAA and then another at UTA through Daddy’s connections.

Andy Cohen starts asking Teddi about Meg Ryan for some reason and oh my God are John Mellencamp and Meg Ryan dating? And they’ve been dating off and on for some time? And once when they were on a break, he dated Christie Brinkley? HOW AM I NOT UP TO DATE ON ALL MY GERIATRIC CELEBRITY DATING NEWS?

Andy Cohen asks if Erika would ever collaborate with John Mellencamp, and she’s all, “OH HONEY NO.”

Next up: “Lisa Rinna: Remember When Her Face Looked Kinda Normal?”

Rinna explains that her new attitude on the show is partially because she was tired of being a punching bag for the audience and Lisa Vanderpump, but partially because she recognized that she had been behaving like an asshole and wanted to change. What’s so wrong with that? And as far as Lisa Vanderpump was concerned, she tries to claim she said that she missed the “old Rinna” because the new one is too “removed” but we all know what she VanderMeans: Rinna is not giving Vanderpump any material to VanderBash her with.

A viewer, “Jeremy” tells Rinna that she was lame this season, to which Rinna suggests he fuck right off.

Another viewer asks why it took her daughters turning 16 and 19 for Rinna to decide she wanted to be a role model for them — shouldn’t she have decided that long ago? And Rinna gives a perfectly fine answer, explaining that her daughters entering the modeling business made her realize that she needed to show them what a strong woman looks like. Personally, I think the simpler truth is probably that Rinna was a perfectly good role model for her daughters when this show dropped on her head and turned her into a crazy person. I don’t think any of us, if we had cameras following us around all the time, would be 100% proud of what we saw. Couple that with the fact that these shows encourage bad behavior and confrontation, and I can see how Rinna might have reexamined her own behavior after a few seasons of this nonsense.

Another viewer makes some judgey comment about Rinna’s Instagram account and Rinna is like, “Dude, don’t follow me then.” Andy Cohen asks if her daughter’s career suffered any blowback because of Rinna, which is kinda a weird question to ask? And vague? But Rinna replies it has, without elaborating at all. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

A viewer notes that even Erika seemed shocked when Rinna’s daughters brought up the fact that she wrote a book describing blowjob techniques, but Erika explains that she was more worried about the Hell Rinna was going to catch from people over it. And by the way, the book has gone back in print, in case you wanted to learn the kamasutra of butter churning:

The conversation turns to Rinna being a little shady about Teddi on one of her Watch What Happens Live appearances, and Rinna is like, “Yeah, I was being a brat.” Lisa Vanderpump VanderNotes that Meghan McCain was on that episode with Rinna, and was really harsh about Teddi, demanding that Andy Cohen stop hiring people with “famous last names.”

OH MEGHAN HONEY NO DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE

Andy Cohen asks Rinna about her little holiday rewatch of the first season which she recapped as an Instagram story, making comments about Cedric (whom I had COMPLETELY forgotten about!) and how Lisa doesn’t look the VanderSame. Lisa becomes very VANDERHUFFY about the whole thing: how DARE Rinna bring up Cedric after everything he did to her VanderFamily! what horrible comments Rinna made about Lisa hurting her VanderFeelings! And Rinna is like, “Wait a minute, did you even see my Instagram story?” Lisa is forced to VanderAdmit that she did not, but KYLE TOLD HER ALL ABOUT IT, AND SHE IS NOT VANDERPLEASED. But Rinna is all, “Oh, ShutVanderUp.”

Andy Cohen asks Lisa about possibly running for VanderGovernor, but she shoots the silly rumor down, while Erika suggests that Dorit would be the perfect running mate in this political environment because she doesn’t have any idea what is going on.

This leads to the “Kyle and Vanderpump: A VanderFriendship VanderTested VanderFuckingAgain.”

Andy Cohen notes that Erika described the situation as Kyle and Dorit competing to be Lisa’s best VanderFriend, but Lisa pouts that if that’s the case, why is she the one who was VanderHURT?

They start with the dinner Lisa VanderStormed out of, and Kyle’s like, “First of all, you didn’t want us talking about the lawsuit, and so once it was dismissed, we toasted the good news, and then moved on BECAUSE WE THOUGHT THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED.” But Lisa VanderHuffs that they did not spend enough time on HER THING. And everyone is like, “OH BROTHER.”

Andy Cohen asks Kyle about her suggestion that Lisa and Dorit made a plan ahead of filming to stand by one another, and the other women are like, “Hold up, do you guys plot ahead of time?”

BLESS THEIR HEARTS.

Kyle then bitches AGAIN about how Lisa holds her to different VanderStandards, because we can not hear about that enough times.

Lisa, having now seen the season, VanderDiplomatically agrees that Dorit was “economical with the truth,” which is one of the best turns of phrase that I have heard in a while and which Sarah Huckabee Sanders needs to add to her repertoire. But Lisa VanderArgues that if she had attacked Dorit, it would have driven a wedge between Kyle and Dorit. So you VanderSee, she was treating Kyle like VanderShit for the good of her friendship with Dorit.

Kyle pouts about the fact that when Dorit called Lisa, she answered immediately because she knows full well had SHE been the one to call, Vanderpump might not have answered for a VanderMonth. Lisa VanderShrugs because it’s true.

A viewer asks Dorit why she didn’t come completely clean with Vanderpump in the park, and Dorit is all, “What IS truth, really?” Lisa adds that one must move on, or one might be accused of holding a VanderGrudge.

Cue the video footage from 2012 of Kyle suggesting to Lisa that she is holding a VanderGrudge.

Kyle is like, “ARE YOU SEEING THIS? SHE’S HOLDING A GRUDGE FROM 6 YEARS AGO ABOUT ME SAYING THAT SHE HOLDS A GRUDGE.” (At least she’s VanderConsistent.)

Dorit announces that what SHE thinks is happening is that Kyle is in competition with Lisa … but for what is left unsaid. Dorit? Dorit then adds that Kyle told her that she thought Lisa was trying to VanderControl Dorit. Kyle disputes this … but only half-heartedly because God only knows what they have on tape somewhere, right?

Andy Cohen asks Kyle why she was set off in Berlin when Dorit brought the Bella party up again, and Kyle is like, “BECAUSE I DIDN’T RUIN THE BELLA PARTY. I RUINED THE BELLA AFTER PARTY.” Dorit sniffs that it was all one very big, very important night, to which Andy Cohen reminds her that Bella isn’t exactly Vogue.

Dorit then turns the conversation to the beach house fight, insisting that she did not make a big deal out of it, but Kyle counters that she made a mountain out of a molehill, that if she had really said something nasty about Erika leaving, the producers certainly would have used the footage. Dorit suggests that what Kyle said wasn’t caught on camera and then everyone starts shrieking at one another and Andy can’t get a word in edgewise.

When he finally regains control of the situation, Andy Cohen asks Dorit why she wanted to relitigate Pantygate, and Dorit agrees that it was not a great analogy and she regrets bringing it up, please move along, Andy Cohen. But Erika is NOT READY TO MOVE ON THANK YOU VERY MUCH, and asks if Kyle did something that she didn’t know about behind her back or off-camera. Dorit admits that Kyle did not, that it all just came out wrong.

Andy Cohen then asks Kyle about leaving Dorit’s fashion show in a huff and complaining that everyone was up everyone else’s ass, which is when Erika and Rinna turn on Kyle and are both like, “THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Kyle tries to say she was just really frustrated that no one was backing her up FOR THE ONE THOUSANDTH TIME, but that later she felt bad and apologized to both Erika and Dorit. Remember? Remember how she apologized?

Dorit sniffs that she did not accept Kyle’s apology because she really believed their friendship was bigger than that, and everyone, including Andy Cohen and Lisa Vanderpump are like, “Girl, do you not understand why Kyle is pissed at you? Do you really not get this?”

And then Rinna closes the first hour by preaching the gospel of “MOVING ON,” which, while a lovely religion, has no business on any of these shows.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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