The Real Housewives of New York
“Thank You and Good Night”
August 9, 2017
We begin the finale in Her Highness’s royal chambers, a.k.a. “the pussy sauna” as it is renamed by Bethenny because it is filled with cats and apparently 100 degrees inside. Bethenny is there to tell Princess Pussy about her new apartment — because she can’t live in one place for longer than about two years — and to chat about how successful the Mexico trip was despite everyone becoming drunk to the point of unconsciousness, naked and bleeding. ¡Que bien!
The Countess and the soon to be Ex-Mr. Countess play tennis while The Countess burbles ironically about how she has met her match and that there is no tension between them and how they can go to Tinsley’s
Fuck You Thank You party for Sonja without worrying that everyone is talking about them and that she is happy and that is all that matters. Fun fact: this episode aired less than a week after she announced their divorce.
Ramona swings by the Morgan townhouse where Sonja has made a few decorating changes based on le petit copain français’ suggestions. Tinsley has since moved out to her own
apartment hotel room, and Ramona is ready to move in and benefit from some of the luck of Sonja’s “Boom Boom Room.”
The two women then good and properly shit on the party Tinsley is hosting for Sonja, completely suspicious of her motives and certain that the gesture is entirely been contrived to benefit Tinsley. And you know what? MAYBE. Maybe Tinsley is trying to put on something of a show for the New York social scene and the viewers after Sonja and Ramona clearly sold her out as an ungrateful little bitch in the tabloids, and frankly, I do not blame her, whatever her motivations. #TeamTinsley.
Over in this new apartment of hers, Bethenny has lunch with some professional hockey player she is dating, a Nate Thompson. We learn two things about A Nate Thompson: 1. He’s missing a front tooth because hockey and 2. he has an ass that Bethenny describes as “two basketballs.”
Dorinda swings by for a tour of the place, but the highlight for Dorinda is when Bethenny forces her to feel A Nate Thompson’s basketball ass. And then we never see him again. R.I.P. A Nate Thompson. R.I.P. A Nate Thompson’s basketball ass.
Her Highness pops by Tinsley’s apartment hotel to check out the digs — which she pays $7000 a month for the privilege of living in — and gives her a hotel-warming present of a candle that Dorinda had previously given her. After all, it’s just a hotel. When Tinsley finally moves into an apartment, Her Highness will get her a proper present. This is just sound logic, to be fair to Princess Regift.
The two also discuss Tinsley’s upcoming Sonja party which she insists she was only joking when she called it a “Thank You, Fuck You,” party — which, no, she wasn’t — but I am not judging her and neither is Her Royal Fuck Youness.
Oh, lord, and Fudgie the Whale swings by Dorinda’s apartment for dinner now that Dorinda’s daughter has finally moved out. He gives her a replica of a Beyoncé dress, which is both amazing and confusing, and then he cleans her counters for her. Maybe I’ve been too harsh on Fudgie?
There is a very boring interlude in which Princess Radzi and The Viscount of Rice Pilaf walk their dog and she talks about how she doesn’t like to live with other people and how much better their relationship is now that he’s moved out, but ohmygod who cares.
Over at the Morgan townhouse, Sonja and le petit copain français pack his panties for his return trip to France. He’s headed back to work on his hotel’s renovation, and she is scheduled to visit him for ten days and meet his mère et père. MON DIEU. Sonja also explains that while things are going well with her jouet français, she’s still keeping Rocco around for relationship insurance.
As for Tinsley, she has her hair and makeup did before heading over to the party site where she passes out tight t-shirts to the waiters … boy candy … I don’t know and approves of the garish cake she’s ordered.
Princess M.C. Hammer is the first to arrive in gold lamé harem pants:
… followed by Dorinda and Ramona who announces that Sonja, still believing this is a “Fuck You” party was still in bed last she talked to her, and probably won’t be attending.
Tinsley blanches because there is not an insignificant chance Sonja won’t attend.
The rest of the women start filing in: The Countess and Mr. Countess, followed by Bethenny, and finally Sonja but only after putting the fear of God into her hostess. Tinsley shows Sonja around her party: the multi-tiered cake (“Does that say ‘Fuck You, Sonja’?” Sonja asks); offers her a Sonja-tini (“It’s kinda sweet,” Sonja sneers before handing it back, “I can’t drink just anything.”); and the many friends of Sonja that are in attendance (“Is that Harry the Ex? Did Ramona invite him?”). Needless to say, Sonja remains unimpressed.
Meanwhile, Bethenny and Ramona have a heartfelt conversation about how Ramona is lonely, and Bethenny is like, “Yeah, I can tell. But you’ll land on your feet.” And, I mean, maybe? It’s possible that a 60-year-old woman who has been an asshole her entire life could suddenly stop being an asshole and attract someone to spend her remaining years with, but I, for one, am pessimistic.
Ramona later notes how handsome The Countess’ 20-year-old son is, and there is a moment when you can see The Countess contemplating whether she could actually get away with murdering Ramona in a public space.
Bethenny also chats with Sonja and tells her that she’s come around to Sonja’s side on this whole Tinsley thing, that Tinsley drinks too much, that Tinsley is being disingenuous and throwing Sonja this party is actually an asshole move. I mean, OK, but no?
But the best part of the episode has nothing to do with Ramona or Sonja being awful, and instead is the moment Mr. Countess goes over to his ex-girlfriend, Missy, and starts talking about how “choked up” he gets when he sees her, and how the last time he saw her she was “walking away.” An unseen friend demands to know his version of the story, and he obliges, but only after explaining that he has to take his mic off.
This fun is interrupted when Tinsley brings Sonja up for a toast and a present — which Sonja says loudly she does not want. But Tinsley forges ahead, delivering a heartfelt thank you to her hostess for taking her in at a low point in her life, before giving her a hilarious framed photo of the two of them in which the top of Sonja’s head is cut off — but also a $5000 gift card to Bergdorf Goodman. With the second gift, all is forgiven.
And with that, we are done here, except for the epilogues:
Alright, darlings, I will see you in the reunions.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and would love a Sonja-tini, please.