‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: This is like an exorcism

The Real Housewives of New York
“Make Out, Make Up”
August 2, 2017

Public Service Announcement: People who drink nothing but tequila for 6 hours straight may experience some or all of the following side effects:

  • screaming at friends that they aren’t as happy as they think they are
  • screaming at friends that you want to have sex with them
  • whining that your married friends don’t want to have sex with you
  • molesting your friends with your feet
  • molesting your friends with your mouth
  • flashing your friends
  • completely stripping down and jumping in swimming pools
  • sobbing naked in swimming pools
  • putting your one drunk friend’s bathing suit on the wrong drunk friend

“This is like an exorcism,” Dorinda says of having to wrestle Sonja into Bethenny’s bathing suit, although it could have been said about this entire evening.

And this is all before dinner.

However, by dinner, Ramona and Bethenny have tearfully made up; Ramona and Sonja’s little spat about whether or not Ramona is actually happy has completely blown over; and Sonja has tried to have sex with The Countess, Ramona, and Bethenny. A productive afternoon!

When dinner rolls around, Bethenny once again finds herself the first one at the table and begins SCREAMING at Dorinda and Tinsley to come eat. Dorinda, who had managed to avoid most of the side effects described above, slurs drunkenly at Bethenny that she’s scaring her and for her to “STOP,” before dissolving into a puddle of tequila and slobber and somehow cutting open her hand on a steak knife.

Everyone just needs to go to bed.

Unfortunately, they do not go to bed.

After cleaning up her hand, Dorinda begins analyzing Bethenny, asking her if it isn’t exhausting to be a superwoman all the time and shouldn’t she just let go every once in a while? And Bethenny is like, “Bitch, I only 15 minutes ago put on pants after frolicking naked with Ramona in the pool for the past two hours. Who isn’t ‘letting go’?”

Ramona manages to stumble to the table, where Tinsley apologizes to her for thinking that she was the person who talked to Page 6, but this conversation is cut short by a fireworks display that the crew had left over from one of the Bachelor in Paradise dates.

But Bethenny can’t enjoy the fireworks because Dorinda has reappeared to yell at Bethenny that she’s a mean bitch, and to insist that she has never said a mean thing about her before stomping back off to her bedroom. Bethenny assumes Dorinda’s comments were born out of jealousy of Bethenny’s success and DOESN’T DORINDA KNOW THAT BETHENNY KNOWS SHE’S A CONTROL FREAK? Princess Carole isn’t so convinced.

The next morning, the women meet to do some yoga together, and Dorinda is pretty sure there is no need to rehash her argument with Bethenny from the night before because who can even remember what they were arguing about? (Bethenny. Bethenny can.) “If there were no alcohol, there would be no argument,” Dorinda explains, and while she’s not wrong, she still needs to offer a few apologies here.

Dorinda tries to say that all she was saying last night was that Bethenny is a “good person” and Bethenny is like “yeah, but that’s not what you were saying.” When The Countess asks Dorinda about cutting her hand, Bethenny snarks that it was very dramatic, and Dorinda fires back that she must have learned it from Bethenny. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU APOLOGIZE, DORINDA. Dorinda assures Bethenny that she harbors no hard feelings towards her, and Bethenny is like, “Yeah, you have no reason to,” before telling Dorinda that she has quite the nasty side to her, prompting Dorinda to leave the room in a huff. Which is still not an apology.

Princess Carole comes to Dorinda from a empathetic position, explaining that it can’t be a good feeling to know that you acted like an asshole the night before when you were drunk, and sure enough, Dorinda begins crying about how she has crap she needs to work on.

Meanwhile, Sonja Facetimes her ass to her French boyfriend.

Eventually, Dorinda collects Bethenny to finally apologize, explaining that she had a beautiful day and she hopes that Bethenny can forgive her for acting like an asshole. Bethennny begins crying, again, about how she tries to make everything right for everyone else because she’s self-conscious of her success, which I guess makes sense to someone, and Dorinda sympathizes, remembering how wound tight she was when her husband was dying. They hug, and everything is good again.

So then Tinsley, Ramona and Her Highness go deep sea fishing where Ramona flirts with the captain; Tinsley reveals she’s meeting Scott in Las Vegas the next day; Tinsley also announces she’s going to throw a “Thank You and Fuck You” party for Sonja for hosting her. The women actually catch fuckall, and end up buying a fish at a market which they then claim Princess Pescador caught.

That evening, everyone gets dolled up, Ramona in some sort of sexy Zorro cosplay, and go into town for dinner.

OH, COME ON, GRANDMA. NO.

At dinner, Bethenny suggests that they play “rose and thorn” for the trip:

Her Highness: Dorinda losing her damn mind the night before is her thorn, but rooming with Dorinda was her rose.

Sonja: Being in the helicopter with Ramona and Bethenny (but not Tinsley who was also there) was her rose.

Tinsley: Feeling fucking baller in the fucking helicopter was her fucking rose.

The Countess, grasping her pearls, scolds Tinsley for dropping the “f-bomb” so frequently, as though Tinsley is her daughter and not a grown-ass woman who can say whatever the fuck she wants whenever the fuck she wants. When Tinsley is like, “The fuck?” The Countess begins berating her over where she lives in Palm Beach and whether or not she lives with her mother. Tinsley is like, “I don’t live in Palm Beach, though?” This devolves into Bethenny rambling about Palm Beach and West Palm Beach and I don’t even know what is happening here other than laughing my ass off about how little does The Countess know, she won’t be throwing the words “palm” and “beach” around much longer.

But back to the “rose and thorn” game:

Ramona: The time in the pool with Bethenny was her rose; being told she wasn’t invited to Tequila was her thorn.

Dorinda: The dancing horse was her rose; the thorn, her argument with Bethenny.

Bethenny: Her thorn was the argument with Dorinda. No word on her rose.

The Countess: Her rose is her husband.

Everyone at the table:

 

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and vacations in West Palm Beach.

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