The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Big Apple Bites Back”
February 20, 2018
DARLINGS. First, let me Vanderpologize for being so negligent with my recaps of Beverly Hills. First, there were the Olympics, which are decidedly not as fabulous as the Housewives, but I made a commitment, so alas. Then the stupid Bachelor had 57 hours of programming in one week, which depleted my energy, and no amount of lemon water or VandeRosé could revive me. Then I had to go on a trip with my family to the very place itself, Beverly Hills, where I visited exactly zero locations featured on the show because my travel companions are troglodytes who do not appreciate an overpriced restaurant or a ridiculously named boutique.
And full disclosure: I have one more difficult week ahead of me — I have a number of friends and family arriving on Thursday to stay with us through the weekend, so I’m not sure that I can promise these posts will be regular from here on out, but I shall do my damndest, darlings. ~air kiss~ ~air kiss~
When we left them, the ladies were still in New York, and we begin with Camille bragging that her daughter Mason will be walking in the Louis Vuitton show because everyone imagines their daughter is going to be the next Gigi Hadid. Teddi and Kyle join her for breakfast, where Teddi fills Kyle in on the dinner the night before in which Dorit told Rinna about Vanderpump having a VanderSnit fit and storming out of the dinner with herself and Kyle, probably because she was VanderJealous of Dorit’s relationship with Kyle. “HOO BOY, LISA’S NOT GOING TO VANDERLIKE THAT,” Kyle says, but Teddi is hopeful that Dorit is at this moment confessing all.
And in fact, Dorit takes Lisa Vanderpump for a walk n the rain so that Dorit can confess that she maybe possibly kinda sorta said some things about Lisa at dinner the night before. Nothing big! Just that she was shocked when Lisa VanderLeft that dinner and also Lisa demands VanderAttention because she was unloved as a VanderChild. Lisa insists that she was not unloved, just British, and also, too, she does not need Dorit’s VanderAttention, thank you very VanderMuch. And with that, Dorit’s Big Confession Time is over without her once mentioning that she also said Lisa was VanderJealous of her relationship with Kyle.
Good luck with that, Dorit!
Elsewhere, Erika meets with her book publishing team and just as I suspected, my old friend Jeremie Ruby Strauss is her executive editor.
And I’m here to assure Erika that she is not wrong when she says it’s important to realize when you are not the smartest person in the room because while Erika is underselling herself here, Jeremie is one smart cookie.
They make small talk about the book (which came out today!) as though it hasn’t already been written and turned in to the publishing house by this point. (A little book publishing behind-the-scenes: books do not go from being unwritten to published in 6 months.) My old friend then makes some nice noises about Erika being accessible and warm; utterly pointless meeting adjourned.
Then everyone gets ready for Dorit’s magazine party:
- Dorit explains that she’s not merely the host, but also the guest of honor, and therefore she needs to have “fashion fashion fashion oozing” out of her, which is quite the image. But also, she’s not the host? Bella Magazine is the host?
- Lisa Rinna tells her hair and makeup people that after buying her daughter overpriced Johnathan Adler accessories for her apartment, the delivery guy carrying her daughter’s ceramic tchotchkes and oversized prescription pills was robbed. She also reveals that the brunette daughter has been booked to walk in the Dole Gabbana show in Milan, and it’s always so inspiring when something good happens to the children of famous people who were born holding the winning ticket in the genetic lottery.
- Teddi reveals she had to beg some stranger to put her eyelashes on her because she’s that inept at makeup. I resemble this remark.
- Erika chooses to wear her “baby Gooch” and to go with a “baby doll hooker” look for the night.
- Lisa Vanderpump visits with Kyle who fills her in on the other things that Dorit said about Vanderpump the night before, the things that she happened to forget when they went on their walk: that Lisa is VanderNeedy and VanderInsecure and VanderJealous. Lisa is VanderSHOCKED! and not sure she can VanderBelieve it — is Kyle VanderSURE Dorit said such things? Kyle also bitches about Dorit bringing up Erika and the beach house nonsense but literally no one but Kyle cares about that anymore.
The women head to Dorit’s magazine party where Dorit gives asinine interviews I don’t care about …
… Camille and Lisa Rinna talk to some designer I don’t care about …
… and Kyle defends herself to Erika AGAIN about the whole stupid beach house non-issue which I no longer care about.
More interesting is Lisa Vanderpump taking Teddi aside to ask her if Dorit really said all the terrible things about her that Kyle is VanderClaimming, and Teddi’s like, “Yep. But I don’t think she meant to be malicious?” Which is strictly true! Dorit wasn’t trying to be mean about Lisa, she was just exaggerating her own place in Lisa’s emotional VanderLife.
After the party ends, the women go to some empty lounge where Erika quietly informs Teddi that she can see her cougar mellenkamp, allowing Teddi to discretely cover herself and avoiding a season’s-worth of drama.
The women then agree to get drunk, which is just a Very Good Idea, and sure enough, two sips into her drink, Kyle is all, “AND ANOTHER THING…” with Dorit. Kyle first grouses that Dorit brought the STUPID NO ONE CARES beach house incident up again, to which even Erika is like, “JESUS CHRIST ENOUGH ALREADY.” Kyle then begins yelling at Dorit for talking shit about Vanderpump, and Dorit demands to know who told Kyle about this.
Teddi raises her hand, admits she was the one who told Kyle that morning and reiterates that Dorit did, in fact, say that Lisa Vanderpump is VanderJealous when Dorit makes other friends. And everyone who was in attendance agrees that this, in fact, was what was said. In response, Dorit begins yelling at Teddi to “TAKE IT DOWN A FEW NOTCHES” and that she is “NOT ONE OF [HER] ACCOUNTABILITY CLIENTS.” Teddi is like, “Oooh, girl,, I am honest and I’m sorry if you can’t handle it, but do not drag my career into it.”
Kyle, happy that Teddi is standing up for herself against Dorit, simultaneously wonders why Lisa Vanderpump isn’t VanderDefending herself, and instead sitting back and allowing Kyle to “look like an idiot.”
Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna is very drunk.
Eventually, the women decide that it is time to leave, and Dorit begins stomping around, pouting that Kyle did this “ON [HER] NIGHT,” before going outside and announcing that she is going to take a cab because she doesn’t want to ride in the van with Kyle. Lisa Vanderpump then volunteers to go with Dorit, which is THE LAST FUCKING STRAW for Kyle who storms onto the van in tears. Meanwhile, the other women are able to convince Dorit to stop being so dumb and get into the van, where Lisa Vanderpump finds Kyle in full sob and demands that she stop crying. Kyle does not stop crying.
Dorit becomes furious with Kyle for wanting Dorit to ride in a cab alone WHICH IS NOT THE GOD DAMN POINT, DORIT. Meanwhile, Kyle has shifted her anger from Dorit to Lisa, whom she accuses of not VanderAppreciating her after 10 years of friendship.
Once in the hotel, Kyle complains to Teddi and Erika about Lisa never defending her, while Lisa gently VanderScolds Dorit for saying some not nice things about her. Dorit protests that she did not say such things, despite the entire cast bearing witness to her doing so and a camera crew filming the entire thing.
Lisa then goes to Kyle and complains about the things KYLE SAID ABOUT HER that night, about being disloyal and not a good friend, before asking if they even know how she feels. “NO. BECAUSE YOU AREN’T SHOWING IT,” Teddi and Kyle protest.
Lisa assures Kyle that she loves her, and begins demonstrating this fact by aggressively VanderHugging her to the point that Kyle begins yelling that Lisa is VanderSmothering her. Lisa finally decides that she’s had VanderEnough and heads to VanderBed while Teddi begs her to come back to the conversation. Oh, sweet Teddi, that’s not how this VanderWorks.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.