March 5, 2018
So I’m sure you as the rest of the world know by now, Arie Luyendyk Jr., he of the needle dick, chose one woman and proposed to her in the finale of The Bachelor, only to decide that ACTUALLY, he wanted to be with the other woman. And you know what? That’s fine. It’s happened before on this dumb show, and everyone survived it and the couple in question are still very happily married. Not only that, but most of the “engagements” on this dumb show never pan out. He’s not the first Bachelor to break an engagement and he won’t be the last.
What’s NOT FINE is to break up with someone on national television. What’s NOT FINE is for a show to lure someone to travel across the country under false pretenses so as to humiliate them on national television. What’s NOT FINE is for the show to turn the breakup into three hours of programming and to hype it as some sort of FUCKING EVENT.
EVERYONE INVOLVED WITH THIS DUMPSTER FIRE SHOULD BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY.
FUCK YOU, MIKE FLEISS, AND EVERYONE ELSE INVOLVED.
Chris Harrison begins the three-hour misery porn slog by assuring us that after tonight’s episode, Needle Dick here is going to becoming “the most controversial Bachelor in history.” Chris Harrison also promises to make reality show history, as the final scene will play unedited, something that according to television historian Chris Harrison has never been done before. I mean, maybe?
With that, we’re off to Cusco, Peru where the Luyendyk family has converged to meet the final two women and judge them. Before he brings the first woman in, Needle Dick first explains to us that he loves Ring Bearer because she has great values, is funny, goofy and sexy and that he’s comfortable around her; but he loves Virginia Lauren because she’s pretty. Needle Dick then explains to his father that he is in love with both of the women, to which his father is like, “LOL GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.”
Needle Dick then brings in Virginia Lauren who is understandably nervous about meeting his family, and worried that she might “act weird.” Oh, honey, no. You don’t need to worry about acting “weird.” You’re completely incapable of being anything but a dollop of vanilla yogurt.
And sure enough, while chatting with his family, Virginia Lauren is sweet and polite and boring, answering questions like, “What was your favorite date with Needle Dick?” with unimaginative replies like, “all of them!”
When she sits down with Needle Dick’s mother, Virginia Lauren begins crying at the thought of losing Needle Dick and the fact that there is another woman still hanging around. Needle Dick’s mother sympathizes and agrees that this entire process is COMPLETE BULLSHIT.
And then Virginia Lauren hugs everyone goodbye and returns to her hotel room to stare blankly at the wall until her final date with Needle Dick.
The next day Ring Bearer arrives at the Luyendyk family hotel, where Needle Dick assures her that he loves her and that she’s got this. Inside, she is bubbly and open, sharing with the whole family the story of telling him that she loved him, which certainly takes confidence, both in one’s self but also in the idea that anyone but you actually cares.
Needle Dick’s mother admits to having reservations about Ring Bearer since Virginia Lauren was so pretty and bland, but once they chat alone, Needle Dick’s mother comes away impressed by Ring Bearer’s confidence and friendliness.
Needle Dick’s father, however, takes a different tact with Ring Bearer, and begins talking about how it’s hard to compare how Needle Dick is around her to how he was around Virginia Lauren yesterday and, say, does she know Virginia Lauren, you know, the other woman that his son is dating and considering proposing to?
Understandably, Ring Bearer has no desire to talk about Virginia Lauren, and politely explains that she does, in fact, know her, she’s a great girl, very kind, but they are very different people, and she happened to get to know other women in the house better because they were more open and easier to get to know. If you know what she means and what she means is that Virginia Lauren is boring.
Needle Dick’s father ends their conversation by saying that she and Virginia Lauren are both very nice girls, and he’d be happy for Needle Dick to pick either of them.
And then Ring Bearer has to answer more questions about Virginia Lauren from Needle Dick’s siblings and the whole thing just seems like a fucking nightmare. “IF I HAVE TO HEAR THE NAME ‘VIRGINIA LAUREN’ AGAIN…” she laments.
After Ring Bearer leaves, the Luyendyk family unanimously agree that Ring Bearer is the right choice. Virginia Lauren, while very blond and very nice, has fuckall to say and he’d be bored stupid by her in no time. They’re not wrong.
We then pop into the Bachelor studio where Realtor takes a victory lap after her tour de force performance on “The Women Tell All” special. She doesn’t say anything new, however, mostly repeating that Needle Dick is an asshole who hurt her friends and fuck that guy.
It’s still satisfying.
And then Chris Harrison, throwing it back to the show, says “let’s find out if he made the biggest mistake of his life,” prompting a single audience member to cackle in the single funniest moment of the entire trudge.
For his first final date, Needle Dick takes Virginia Lauren to Machu Picchu on a private train — and how PISSED OFF would you be if you were Ring Bearer and you came all the way to Peru just to NOT GO to Machu Picchu? That is some BULLSHIT RIGHT THERE. Either EVERYONE goes to Machu Picchu OR NO ONE GOES TO MACHU PICCHU. And what I am saying is that I want to go to Machu Picchu.
Anyway, before his date, Needle Dick makes a bunch of noises about how he’s preeeeeeety sure he’s going to pick Ring Bearer, so this is Virginia Lauren’s last chance to really change his mind. So they get on the train and they talk about how she remembers the first night they met which is NOT THAT HARD SINCE IT WAS TWO MONTHS AGO and they wave at stray dogs and the natives and they go to Machu Picchu and they are like, “Yep, that’s Machu Picchu,” and they say the word “incredible” about 87 times and we learn that Virginia Lauren knows the word “architecture” and they make out in the ruins and Needle Dick is all, “Hmmm … maybe I won’t eliminate her after all.”
That night at dinner, they toast to a lifetime of unbelievable dates, and Virginia Lauren burbles about the future she sees for them, drinking coffee and walking dogs. SOUNDS THRILLING. Needle Dick then starts talking kids, which makes Virginia Lauren pretty confident she is going to be the one since only a REAL SHITBIRD would discuss things like that if he knew he was going to choose the other woman.
Back in the studio, Chris Harrison chats with Too Good and Pixie, who don’t say anything that is more interesting than what Pixie tweeted yesterday:
As for his date with Ring Bearer, they wander around Cusco in the rain, make fun of the local fashions, and look at alpacas. And I love me an alpaca, but I’d rather see the alpacas they have wandering around Machu Picchu BECAUSE WHO WOULDN’T.
That night at dinner, Ring Bearer gives Needle Dick a teeny scrapbook she made with photos from their dates, a heartfelt message that ends with, “I’m ready to do the damn thing with you,” the same line she greeted him with on the first night and a page saved for “OUR BABY” which just seems like a whole lot, but makes Needle Dick here think she’d be a great wife and mother, so what do I know.
Back in the Bachelor studio, Chris Harrison talks to Ben Higgins — who told two women that he was in love with them — and Jason Mesnick — who dumped the woman he chose his season to married the runner-up. GEE, I WONDER WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN THE FINALE TONIGHT.
We then enter the “Staring Pensively Out of Windows” portion of the finale, while Needle Dick waits for Neil Lane to show up and give him an engagement ring that one lucky lady will get to wear for about 6 weeks.
Then the ritual sacrifice/proposal portion of the evening. The woman in the dreaded first car is Virginia Lauren, who maybe should have taken a look at her watch, noticed that it wasn’t the Golden Hour, and told the driver to just keep driving, just go straight to the airport.
Because sure enough, she gets out of the car, tells Needle Dick that he helped her “bring down” her “walls” and that she will love him for her entire life. And Needle Dick is like, “Yeaaaaaah, I’m really happy I helped break down those walls, but you’re going to want to stock up on some mortar because I’m going with the other one. Good luck! See you in a couple months!”
And then he walks her past the lawn llamas and into the waiting SUV, telling her that he didn’t know who he was going to choose as of this morning and that he still loves her WHICH IS NOT MAKING THINGS BETTER, ASSHOLE. She drives away in tears, arguing that MAYBE IF HE DIDN’T KNOW WHO HE WAS GOING TO CHOOSE AS RECENTLY AS THIS MORNING THAT MAYBE HE SHOULDN’T HAVE CHOSEN ANYONE AND MAYBE THIS IS ALL A HUGE MISTAKE.
She has a point, Needle Dick.
But Needle Dick is not hearing it, and as soon as Ring Bearer is done with her speech about how he makes her feel comfortable, he drops to one knee and tells her that he “chooses [her] every day from here on out,” which is going to be REALLY FUNNY in about ten minutes. Also, he manages to not include “I’m ready to do the damn thing” in his proposal at all, which, dude, really? And then she accepts the final rose and they dance around in the llama field, hooray!
Except not hooray, not hooray at all, because the much-hyped final 40 minutes are devoted to Needle Dick dumping Ring Bearer ON CAMERA.
After some footage of the two following the proposal in which they seem happy and “IN LUVVE” as Ring Bearer herself describes it, Needle Dick begins explaining that it was good, and they were looking forward to their real life. Buuuuuttt sometimes on these visits with her, he’s thinking how great it would be if he were with Virginia Lauren instead, a fact that he apparently had the audacity to share with Ring Bearer.
So, he’s decided that he has to “follow his heart,” call off the engagement and break up with Ring Bearer to free himself up to pursue a relationship with Virginia Lauren.
But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is that instead of just doing that privately, this needle dicked motherfucker right here went to Chris Harrison FIRST.
Then ABC planned a whole elaborate con where they tricked Ring Bearer into thinking that she was going on another of these romantic secret meetups with Needle Dick. Once in Los Angeles, she gives an interview talking about how much she misses his tiny needle dick, how much she loves her engagement ring, how she can see her future so clearly with Needle Dick, and she is just so ready to start their life together.
YOU ARE GARBAGE MONSTERS, ABC.
Chris Harrison then explains that they decided to show the breakup unedited with both cameras’ footage simultaneously because … I don’t know why? To maximize Ring Bearer’s public humiliation from all angles?
And then Needle Dick heads inside where he tells Ring Bearer the big news: that being with her is what he wanted, but that he still thinks about Virginia Lauren. And he feels like the longer he spends with Ring Bearer, the more time he loses at a chance to reconcile with Virginia Lauren.
That’s when it occurs to Ring Bearer that she is being dumped: “Are you fucking kidding me.”
In my notes: “PUNCH HIM IN THE THROAT.”
Needle Dick then tries to justify this by saying he doesn’t want to be “half in” with Ring Bearer, to which Ring Bearer is like, “SO YOU’RE GOING TO BE HALF IN WITH HER?” But he’s not, he insists, he just needs to take that risk. He has to follow his heart! He was so conflicted in Peru! “THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT YOU WERE READY TO BE ENGAGED. WHICH YOU WEREN’T.”
Needle Dick tries to pat himself on the back for being upfront about his feelings for Virginia Lauren, but she’s like, “NOPE.” He then whines that the longer he is with her, the more he drifts away from Virginia Lauren, and Ring Bearer is like, “YEAH, BECAUSE THAT’S HOW BREAKUPS WORK.”
In my notes: “PUNCH. HIM. IN. THE. THROAT.”
With that, Ring Bearer declares herself done, and marches off to the bedroom to pack her things. And that’s when Needle Dick should have shown himself to the door, but instead, he follows her, because he’s that guy who dumps you but insists that you tell him he’s a good person before he’ll let you move on with your life. IT’S NOT OK AND YOU’RE NOT OK. NOW KINDLY GET OUT OF HER FACE.
“Do you want a few minutes to yourself or do you just want me to go,” he asks her. “I WANT YOU TO GO.”
And for a second there, it looks like he’s going to leave. But then, psyche! he just walks outside to the patio, looks around, and then heads back inside to bother her some more.
“Hey are you OK?” he asks.
“JUST GO,” She demands, as she tries to walk away. But the fucker and the cameras keep following her around and EVERYONE NEEDS TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HER FACE IMMEDIATELY.
“Can we talk just a little bit?” he asks while touching her shoulder.
“DON’T TOUCH ME.”
GOOD GIRL. NOW PUNCH HIM IN THE THROAT.
But he won’t leave it alone, forcing her to sit on the couch with him so that he can try to convince her that he is really a good guy and she shouldn’t be mad at him.
“Just go. Please just go.”
Remains seated. Just sits there, looking at her.
Stays in his seat.
“Okay, I’m going to go.”
Continues to sit there LIKE HE IS WAITING FOR A FUCKING “I’M A GREAT GUY” MEDAL OR SOMETHING.
Finally, FINALLY, he gets up and walks all the way out to the waiting I’M A TRASH TROLL van, not that this keeps the cameras from continuing to follow a sobbing Ring Bearer around for a while longer.
And then we’re back in the studio with Ring Bearer, who receives a huge round of applause from the audience for having her heart ripped out for their entertainment. Chris Harrison asks if she’s ready to see Needle Dick again, and she’s like, “ACTUALLY I AM NOT, BOB, BUT I GUESS YOU’VE GOT ME BY THE CONTRACT, SO I WILL BE BACK HERE TOMORROW NIGHT FOR YOU FUCKING VULTURES.”
And that’s where we are going to have to leave it until tomorrow night. Now go pour momma another glass of box wine, her throat hurts from all this yelling.
Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women Arie couldn’t choose between:
The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.