‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: A period piece

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“That Was Weird”
February 13, 2018

Last we left the ladies at Teddi’s beach house, everyone was fine and drinking wine and pretending that they weren’t still seethingly angry at one another for … some reason. And from the looks of it from the flashbacks, everyone became properly drunk and began giving Kyle wedgies and Lisa Vanderpump VanderLapDances.

Everyone except Erika, who apparently decided to stay at a hotel instead of Teddi’s house because she was having bad cramps and didn’t want to be around humans for the night.

I am going to pause here to remind the audience that when Teddi invited the ladies to her beach house, she suggested that they might want to stay at a nearby hotel, and encouraged them to do so because she was so worried that they would be judgey about her beach house.

And the reason I remind the audience of this is because after she left for the hotel Teddi had recommended, Teddi and Kyle were both, “WEIRD. HOW WEIRD. IT’S SO WEIRD THAT ERIKA LEFT, RIGHT? WE ALL AGREE IT’S VERY VERY WEIRD.”

The next morning, Erika returns to the beach house to hang out and everyone acts super tense around her because NO WE WEREN’T TALKING ABOUT YOU HA HA WHY.

Soon after, a trainer arrives to walk Teddi, Kyle, and Lisa through a workout, which, you know, no thank you. Which is what Erika and Dorit say to the offer.

Instead, while they watch the other ladies do squats outside, Dorit decides that she just HAS TO BE HONEST and tell Erika EVERYTHING about how a couple of the women were SO ANGRY at her for leaving. And Erika is like, “Huh. OK. Who?” And Dorit immediately gives up Kyle and Teddi, because this is her chance to not be the asshole for once.

Note: She is definitely still the asshole.

Erika calls in Kyle and Teddi and explains that Dorit just informed her that they were SO MAD that she left, and they’re like, “I mean no? We thought it was weird, but we weren’t angry about it.” Erika, now thoroughly embarrassed, explains to Teddi that she didn’t want to bleed all over her sheets, before stomping off to a back room.

Camille, who has had certainly enough of Dorit’s bullshit calls her a tattletale, to which Dorit responds that she’s being silly, and Camille is like, “YOU WANT TO TALK SILLY? HOW ABOUT YOU CALLING ME A ‘STUPID CUNT’ IN FRONT OF MY BOYFRIEND.” Because Camille? Definitely not over that yet.

But this isn’t a Dorit and Camille fight, this is a Teddi/Kyle and Erika fight, and soon Erika is back in the kitchen with the rest of the women, dabbing at her tears, explaining that she is just MORTIFIED and HURT and would prefer to NOT TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE. Teddi attempts to comfort her, not realizing that Erika Girardi is Not That Girl, and Erika flinches away. This makes Teddi start to cry because now she’s embarrassed and hurt, and ohmygod everyone needs to calm the fuck down, this is why they used to make us go off and isolate ourselves in separate tents when we were on our periods.

And, if forced to take sides, while I would be Team MAYBE I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE UNDER THE SAME ROOF WITH YOU BITCHES WHEN I’M CRAMPING AND BLOATED AND I AM ONE PASSIVE AGRESSIVE COMMENT AWAY FROM CUTTING A BITCH (because I’d hide in a hotel, too, and the more I think about it, the more The Red Tent makes sense), Lisa Vanderpump points out that this is exactly the situation that Teddi was terrified would happen when she invited all these high-maintenance assholes to her beach house in the first place. Lisa Vanderpump is not Vanderwrong. And sure enough, Teddi is like, “ALRIGHT, EVERYBODY OUT. YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO HOME, BUT YOU CAN’T STAY HERE.”

In the car back to Los Angeles, Kyle wonders why Dorit singled her out to Erika when “everyone” thought it was weird that Erika left (though the tape doesn’t exactly suggest that), but Dorit insists that it’s not a big deal. “WELL, IT HADN’T BEEN A BIG DEAL, BUT IT JUST BECAME ONE,” Kyle correctly points out.

Over in Lisa Rinna’s world, she shoots an episode of The Middle and breaks some Important Weather News: in Southern California, it’s hot in the summer.

Back at her home, Erika informs us that while Mr. Girardi is on the mend, he still hasn’t returned to work. Which is good? Not good? I don’t know. She chats with him a bit about her book, and how she’s headed to New York to meet with her publisher. And holy shit, it just now occurs to me that I know her executive editor really well. He used to be part of a large group of publishing nerds I used to drink with every Friday night. He was invited to my wedding. I am one degree of separation from Erika Fucking Jayne. I am pretty sure this makes me just as fabulous as her. Anyway, she’s nervous about meeting literary types not realizing that the lot of us are easily star-struck by glamazon not-drag queens.

Also going to New York: Lisa Rinna to move Older Daughter into an apartment and hopefully walk both daughters in Fashion Week.

Also going to New York: Dorit, who is going to be on the cover of some magazine I’ve never heard of. She’s leaving P.K. in the hands of his parents and in-laws and toddlers. HAVE FUN, P.K.

Also going to New York: Kyle, who intends to throw a Fashion Week trunk party at her Upper East Side Kyle by Alene Too location for her godson’s fake fur collection, and some muumuus.

Also going to New York: Camille, whose daughter is walking in Fashion Week.

Also going to New York: Teddi and Lisa Vanderpump, because.

Teddi swings by Kyle’s Kyle by Alene Too’s Los Angeles outpost to have Kyle pick outfits out for her since Teddi is incapable of picking out outfits for herself. It is a lot less interesting than the producers think it is.

We then endure the obligatory packing scenes which someone must find interesting, before heading to New York. There, Lisa Rinna takes her daughter shopping for her apartment at Johnathan Adler — which is Rinna’s choice — all the while burbling about how gross her first apartment was, with its shag carpeting and cockroaches. But don’t worry, whatever expensive baubles Rinna buys her daughter at Johnathan Adler, her daughter is going to reimburse her for later.

Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump peel off from the group to swing by the Upper East Side Kyle by Alene Too to … I don’t even know what, shop at Kyle’s store? But … why? Didn’t we already have one shopping trip at Kyle by Alene Too in this VERY EPISODE?

As for the other women, they all meet for lunch, where Dorit, for some reason, is tasked with filling Rinna in on what she’s missed over the past two weeks, including Lisa Vanderpump Vanderhuffing away from the dinner with her and Kyle, and Erika’s being called “weird” for wanting to spend the night in a hotel instead of keeping company with these delights. Because that’s still an uncomfortable conversation, WHAT WITH TEDDI SITTING RIGHT THERE, Erika closes it by saying that Erika’s gonna do what Erika’s gonna do, next question.

Camille notes that it sounds like a lot happened before she arrived at the beach house, turning the conversation back to Vanderpump’s VanderTantrum. Erika reveals that on the ride to Teddi’s beach house, Lisa had confided in her that she had felt brushed aside by Dorit and Kyle.

Dorit confirms this, explaining to the group that Lisa had VanderPrivately told her that Dorit often makes her feel VanderExcluded and VanderNotListened to when they are with other people. Dorit adds that she might have told Kyle that Lisa feels VanderJealous when she, Dorit, talks to other people, and Rinna wonders if she’s told this to Lisa. “I would, one million percent,” Dorit replies, while also noting that, however, she has not.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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