‘The Bachelor’: The three smartest women go home. GOOD FOR THEM.

The Bachelor
February 12, 2018

Having thoroughly ruined Paris, Arie Bobby and the remaining seven women head to Tuscany for the final dates before the dreaded hometowns. Upon their arrival, Chris Harrison explains to the women that the plan is three one-on-one dates and one group date, no rose ceremony. Whomever receives a rose takes Arie Bobby home to meet the parents, WHETHER THEY WANT TO OR NOT.

And that’s when The Challenger has an, “OH SHIT, THIS IS FOR REAL,” moment.

With that, the first date card is delivered: “Ring Bearer: Let’s fall in love under the Tuscan sun.” Ring Bearer puts on her flowiest sundress while explaining that while it was great that she received the first date, that was, like, YEARS ago, and who even knows if they like each other anymore? I mean, it’s been so long, she might not even recognize him when he picks her up for the date.

But she does recognize him when Arie Bobby picks her up in another old convertible that, fortunately, does not break down, and the two drive to Barga, a picturesque medieval town. There, they buy a loaf of bread from a man who has been stationed by the producers in the town square with a card table and a handful of ciabatta. They then pick up some salami and cheese and head off to have a picnic, while Ring Bearer marvels over how “easy” Arie Bobby is to travel with. Dude, he just bought some bread and cheese, this is not remarkable. Over the salami, the pair talks about jump-starting their relationship again and promptly begin making out. Having sucked on his tongue, Ring Bearer declares that she now knows that she “cares” about him, and he assures her that he “cares” about her too.

Over dinner, Arie Bobby notes that it’s crazy that hometowns will be next week, and Ring Bearer is all, “FER SURE.” Arie Bobby then asks what a hometown visit with her family would look like, and Ring Bearer explains that her mom would be there, FER SURE, along with her boyfriend Tim and her wacky Uncle Gary. FER SURE.

After some boring talk about Ring Bearer’s ex, Arie Bobby offers her the date rose, and Ring Bearer accepts, excited to bring Arie Bobby to Minneapolis. And in an interview, Arie Bobby notes that he had his doubts about Ring Bearer,  before this date since he hadn’t talked to her in 19 months, but that now he’s confident in his choice, FER SURE.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the next date card arrives: “Virginia Lauren: Let’s break down our walls.”

However, The Challenger, she is in a full-blown panic over the idea of actually bringing this dummy to meet her parents, I mean, CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? Additionally, The Challenger has had time to think about how Arie Bobby basically insinuated that if she won, she’d have to give up on getting her doctorate and move to Scottsdale of all God-forsaken places, and OH MY GOD, WHERE IS SHE? HOW DID SHE GET HERE? HOW DID HER LIFE COME TO A PLACE WHERE SHE IS ONE OF THE LAST SEVEN BACHELOR CONTESTANTS? SHE IS WORKING ON A Ph.D. IN CHEMICAL PSYCHOLOGY, SHE CAN’T BE SITTING AROUND IN A HOTEL ROOM WITH A BUNCH OF SALESGIRLS AND NANNIES, VYING FOR THE ATTENTION OF A REAL ESTATE AGENT FROM ARIZONA.

With that realization fully bloomed in her head, The Challenger marches to Arie Bobby’s hotel room, snatches the glass of wine out of his hand, takes a big swig, and is like, “Look, I’m not even sure how I ended up on this show, but it is time for me to go because I can not seriously bring you home to meet my parents, they’d think I lost my damn mind. Ok, goodbye.”

And with that, she loads herself up in the Adesso vai a casa Van and returns to her career and ambitions.

Good girl.

In the hotel room, Pixie expresses her admiration for The Challenger’s bravery, noting that she has her own doubts, but she isn’t willing to walk off the show over them, that’s crazy. Sooey Jr. carefully listens, and all but twirls her mustache.

The next morning, Virginia Lauren wheels her suitcase out into the hallway ahead of her date, and this plus the promo that ABC ran before of this episode, all but spells Miss Ain’t Got Nothin’ to Say’s doom, right?

HAHAHA, NOPE. THE NOTORIOUSLY DECEPTIVE ABC PROMO DEPARTMENT STRIKES AGAIN. ONE DAY I WON’T FALL FOR YOUR TRICKERY, ABC PROMO DEPARTMENT. IT WASN’T TODAY, I’LL GRANT YOU THAT, BUT ONE DAY, I SWEAR, YOU WON’T FOOL ME.

Instead, Arie Bobby and Virginia Lauren go on an excruciatingly boring date where they ride bikes — and Arie Bobby stands on his bicycle seat for no good reason, GET DOWN FROM THERE, ARIE BOBBY.

Actual footage.

And they eat pizza and gelato while exclaiming their amazement to be eating pizza and gelato! In Italy! Whod’a thunk it?

That night, Arie Bobby asks Virginia Lauren if she’s ready to bring him home to meet her parents, and she burbles about being scared but trying to break down walls, blah blah blah, and the long and short of it is, she’s falling in love with Arie Bobby. And then THIS DUMB BITCH, he gets up from the table and walks off by himself and starts crying, leaving Virginia Lauren at the table going,”What the fuck?” before returning and offering her the date rose while telling her that he’s falling in love with her. Which, you know, great, but did you really need to go wander off with NO EXPLANATION to arrive at this point, you stupid drama queen?

Ugh. This show, ugh.

Back at the hotel, the third date card arrives, “Too Good for Arie: Search for the one.”

But before we get to their date, Girl, what are you still doing here? Weren’t you inspired by The Challenger realizing that she is too good for this bullshit? And shouldn’t you have followed her example already?

Alas, she did not, and she goes on a date with Arie Bobby where they follow a truffle hunter around in the woods while he leads his dogs to the truffles the producers barely covered with dirt, before returning to the truffle hunter’s family’s home where they help make lunch and cross their fingers that no one says anything racist. And then — oh my God — everyone eats pizza and pasta together and NO. NO! THAT’S NOT HOW ITALIANS EAT, YOU MONSTERS. THEY WOULD NEVER EAT PIZZA AND PASTA TOGETHER.

Oh my God, I need to lie down.

That night, at dinner, Arie Bobby begins asking Too Good about her family and whether or not she thinks they are at a level where they could start having a conversation about her moving to Scottsdale if this whole thing works out and she’s like, “I mean … yeah?” But Arie Bobby takes that hesitation and runs with it, explaining that he is not giving her the date rose because they should be “further along” and that it’s nothing that she did besides being African-American he’s just “following his heart.”

BABY, YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR HIM ANYWAY. He’s just looking for someone hot who does not make him uncomfortable. Now you go home and find yourself a man with a college degree.

At the hotel, the final date card arrives: “Pixie Manic Dream Girl, Sooey Jr., Taxiderpy: Meet me at Villa Reale (di Marlia).”

The next day, the women meet Arie Bobby at Villa Reale di Marlia, a beautiful estate that was once owned by Napoleon’s sister and could be yours for only $9.8 million!

Arie Bobby first talks with Taxiderpy who has some logistical questions regarding how they’d do this long distance thing, and the same guy who just the night before was all, “you saying that you would need to think about moving to Scottsdale says to me we’re not far enough along in this relationship for us to continue so I’m sending you home for that reason and no other,” is suddenly all, “Don’t worry about it, baby, now come here and let me chew on your tongue.”

Meanwhile, Pixie expresses having some doubts to Sooey Jr. who, in an interview decides that this means that Pixie isn’t “taking this serious(ly),” because she’s 22, and that Sooey Jr. needs to “protect Arie Bobby’s heart.” First of all, you’re only 26, Sooey Jr., it’s not like you have some universe of life experience yourself, but second of all, cute attempt to make scheming to get rid of a competitor seem heroic, but no one is buying what you’re selling.

Except for Arie Bobby to whom Sooey Jr. takes her Very Serious Concerns, and he’s like, “Don’t worry about it, baby, now come here and let me chew on your tongue.”

Sooey Jr., to her credit, I suppose, does tell Pixie that she just threw her under the bus, but claims she did it in Pixie’s best interest. Sooey Jr., who last I checked was not actually inside of Pixie’s head, decided that Pixie wasn’t taking this whole thing seriously enough, so she had to do the responsible thing and tell Arie Bobby. She’s just looking out for Pixie like a big sister. Like one of Cinderella’s big evil stepsisters.

Pixie takes this betrayal poorly and her face melts.

Pixie finds Arie Bobby and sobs all over him, but he’s all, “Don’t worry about it, baby, now come here and let me chew on your tongue.”

After he finishes chewing on Pixie’s tongue, he gives Taxiderpy the first of two roses on the date, and shoves her in a car back to the hotel.

That evening, Arie Bobby has dinner with Sooey Jr. and Pixie, and in the middle of his conversation with Sooey Jr. my DVR decides it needs to take a nap. SUPER COOL, DVR, GREAT TIMING.

But I didn’t miss anything aside from Arie Bobby making out with both women, before returning to the table and offering the date rose to Sooey Jr. because at the end of the day Pixie Manic Dream Girl is still 22 and all of her friends are 22 and oh my God can you even imagine having to hang out with a gaggle of 22-year-olds, just shoot me in the face.

Bye, Pixie Manic Dream Girl. You seem like a smart cookie, I loved your energy, you were a delight on this show and I hope you never come back. DO NOT LET ME FIND YOU ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE, YOUNG LADY.

Oh, and call your mom.

Next week: the dreaded hometowns. HIDE, YOUNGER SIBLINGS! RUN AND HIDE NOW.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Arie:

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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