‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: VanderOUT.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Petty Mess”
February 6, 2018

Following her big surprise party for P.K. and her “performance” with Boy George, Dorit is informed by her husband that Boy George only sings with people who can’t actually sing to make himself look better.

Breaking News: P.K. is an asshole, but he’s not wrong.

We also learn that Teddi has, in fact, invited the ladies to her beach house and Dorit intends to go even though she knows perfectly well there will not be a single champagne glass to be found. Dorit complains bitterly that Kyle stuck up for Teddi at the party when Dorit and Vanderpump were attacking Teddi for not knowing BASIC ETIQUETTE. How dare Kyle side with Teddi who was being ganged up on instead of with the gang?

And then Dorit gives P.K. his actual birthday present: a nightmarish figurine of Dorit and the children which cost $1500 — or more than what the average middle-income family will get with our new tax break — and P.K. immediately snaps off the plasticine head of one of his kids. But haha, who cares, Dorit and P.K. will make a lot more than $1500 with the new tax plan. Considerably more. They could buy hundreds and hundreds of ugly figurines more. Grab the pitchforks and torches more.

Over at VanderPets, we learn the good news that the VanderLawSuit against Grandpa Ken has been dropped, VanderHooray!

Elsewhere, Teddi and Kyle shop for workout clothes and discuss how Dorit is both fun AND an asshole, before wringing their hands over what a shitshow this upcoming trip to Teddi’s beach house is going to be.

what could go wrong

Meanwhile, Erika and Rinna meet for drinks so that Rinna can explain that she will not be joining everyone at the beach house because she’s returning to Days of Our Lives to play a stripping FBI agent. Or something.

Later, we follow Rinna on her first day back on the soap which I supposed might be fascinating to Days fans, but the rest of us could give a shit about which boots Rinna thinks Billie would wear.

And in other news, Lisa Rinna’s daughter doesn’t want to get her driver’s license.

no1curr-no-one-cares-dog

That evening, Lisa Vanderpump, Dorit and Kyle are scheduled to have dinner together at 7, and Lisa manages to VanderArrive on time. Early, actually, at 6:54. She then proceeds to wait more than 30 minutes for the others to arrive because everyone is terrible.

Once Dorit and Kyle finally do arrive, Lisa shares her great VanderNews about the VanderLawSuit being dropped and everyone cheers, VanderHooray! As Lisa points out, she just doesn’t need that VanderNegativity in her life.

Kyle uses this as a means to broach another topic: what the hell happened between Teddi and Dorit at the party? Dorit sighs in exasperation and says that the whole thing is RIDICULOUS, that Teddi was mad at her for changing her glass, can you even imagine? Kyle’s like, yeah, see, I don’t think that was the issue, and I was trying to explain that you because you and Teddi seem to be speaking entirely different languages. And it didn’t help to have Vanderpump over here chiming in the entire time. Kyle just didn’t think it was fair that it was two against one Teddi.

Lisa takes VanderException at Kyle’s phrasing that it was “two against one” and that she’s not “against” Teddi, while Dorit fusses that Kyle doesn’t “have a side.” Which is Kyle’s point! She doesn’t! But why is it that Dorit doesn’t get upset when Lisa VanderSays that, but comes for Kyle? Dorit, in that joking-but-not-at-all way of hers, explains that it’s because she loves Lisa more, and Kyle’s like, “ALRIGHT. COOL. GREAT. I SEE HOW IT IS. I GUESS WE’RE DONE HERE.” She then bursts into tears, feeling like she is now the one being ganged up on by Dorit and Lisa.

When Dorit gets up to comfort Kyle and apologize, Lisa, for mysterious VandeReasons, grabs her purse and announces that she’s VANDERLEAVING. She’s tired and not interested in this bullshit and she is going to go VanderHome and spend time with her husband who is ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN HER.

bye don't follow me

Dorit and Kyle are like, “Uh … do what now?”

They return to the table where they agree that Lisa VanderLeft because they were not in that express moment paying attention to her. Dorit then reveals that it goes back to Lisa’s poor VandeRelationship with her parents. This shocks Kyle, to whom Lisa has not VanderConfided any of this. Dorit’s like, “I know, right? Like, Lisa has this entire VanderJewelry line and she didn’t tell me I was going to model in a photoshoot for it…” And Kyle’s like, “Wait wait wait wait wait … Lisa has a VanderJewelry line?”

rupaul drag race spittake.gif

Finally, the beach house. Teddi’s beach house, which her husband described as a “cottage,” is actually five bedrooms, four baths, and right on the beach in Orange County. So, you know, hardly a fucking cottage.

Kyle and Dorit drive to the beach house together (Dorit is obviously late picking Kyle up because “traffic”), and on the ride over they decide that they are going to pull Lisa aside for a VanderChat because Kyle is certain she’s done nothing wrong. (She’s hasn’t.)

Erika and Lisa also share a limo, and on the ride, Lisa tells Erika about how her VanderLawSuit was dropped, but that Dorit and Kyle didn’t VanderCelebrate it nearly enough for her liking and now she’s VanderHurt.

Everyone arrives at the beach house and the ladies are very complimentary and not the judgey assholes Teddi clearly expected them to be. And because they were told it would be a potluck, Dorit comes loaded with food that her chef mother made, and a case of wine glasses as an olive branch. Well played. Genuinely — it was a nice move on Dorit’s part, which she is perfectly capable of, and why she’s so bloody frustrating.

Kyle asks Lisa when they arrived, and she replies an hour earlier, before VanderAsking Dorit if she left late to pick up Kyle like she did for their VanderDinner the other night. And Kyle is like, “OH, SO WE ARE GOING THERE RIGHT NOW? OK, LET’S DO THIS.” Kyle and Dorit ask if that’s why she left the dinner, and Lisa VanderInsists that it was because they were not excited enough about her VanderLawSuit being dismissed.

“Ok, but that’s not when you got up and left,” Kyle points out. “You got up and left when Dorit and I weren’t paying explicit attention to you. You were upset that Dorit and I were having a moment.” Kyle then asks if Lisa would have VanderLeft if Dorit had been the one crying, and Lisa can’t answer because she knows she wouldn’t have. And then Lisa declares that she doesn’t want to VanderTalk about it anyVanderMore.

So Kyle goes outside with Teddi to appreciate the sunset, and one-by-one each of the ladies come outside to join them so that the VanderBickering can resume. Blah blah blah and the long and short of it is that Kyle is jealous of Lisa’s relationship with Dorit and Lisa is jealous of Kyle’s relationship with Dorit and NO ONE SHOULD BE JEALOUS OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH DORIT. IT’S DORIT.

Finally, Lisa VanderPologizes for being harder on Kyle than Dorit, and Kyle apologizes for suggesting that Lisa and Dorit had VanderGanged up on her and now everyone will get along fine and we never have to worry about this pettiness ever again, the end.

colbert i'm just kidding

That’s never going to happen.

 

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

 

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