‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: One step forward, all of the steps back

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Walking on Broken Glass”
November 29, 2017

We begin this episode where we left off:

margaret impersonation of siggy rhonj

And I mean this sincerely: Never change, Margaret. You are a gem, Margaret.

Margaret’s impersonation of Siggy melting down over that god damned cake does not go over well with Siggy, who retaliates by doing her impersonation of Margaret: grabbing her hair into giant ponytails and shrieking that she doesn’t understand someone who has a ‘”heart and soul.” So this is a fun game!

Vikki assures Siggy that her vulnerability is her greatest strength, and Margaret for the umpteenth fucking time explains to Siggy that she didn’t mean to hurt Siggy’s feelings with “Soggy,” she just thought she was making a funny.

Next, Melissa does her impersonation of Siggy at her purse party, introducing her guests to Melissa, as “an asshole who took a cake a threw it, wouldn’t yous say that makes her an asshole?” Siggy argues that she wasn’t trying to embarrass Melissa (yes, she was), she just wanted some acknowledgment that she put a lot of thought and effort into the Palm Beach weekend. Somehow they end up apologizing to one another and promising to be more sensitive even though Siggy is the only real jackass here.

Next up: Danielle who calls out Dolores Teresa. However, instead of role playing, Squaretits just starts crying about how Teresa humiliated her in front of her daughters EIGHT YEARS AGO when she called her “prostitution whore” and threw that table. Teresa apologizes and promises to also apologize to Danielle’s daughters.

OK, but some questions:

Have Danielle’s daughters really not gotten over it by now? Wouldn’t they just really rather everyone move on and not be dragged back into this fucking nightmare? And haven’t Teresa and Danielle been hanging out for several months at this point? But you’re going to tell me that this is the first time “prostitution whore” has come up between them? Now? When all the cameras are finally around? WHY ARE WE RELITIGATING THIS, EXACTLY?

seth meyers come on exacerbated

Then the ladies return to their rooms where they get all made up for the final retreat “event”: sitting around in a room, talking about their crap.

Margaret volunteers to go first, and discusses being estranged from her stepchildren for the past six years. Vikki suggests that Margaret go to her ex-husband and ask him to help mend fences and Margaret agrees that this a good idea. Which, wait, what? This nonsense has been going on for six years now and she hasn’t gone to her ex-husband with whom she is on good terms to help her fix it? WHY NOT?

Next is Teresa who makes the motions of saying that she is angry at Meatball, but doesn’t really commit to it. Teresa says that she has resentments, but that one can not live in the past, and anyway, women are stronger than men, everyone knows that. They ask Teresa if Meatball ever apologized for dragging her into his FEDERAL MEATBALL CRIMES, but she just glosses over the question because no, obviously he has not, he’s a low-IQ sociopath.

Finally, the group asks Dolores if there is anything she wants to discuss, and she brings up some sort of “dog fair” that she’s hosting that weekend, inviting everyone to come. Great job getting everyone to “open up” and be “naked emotionally,” Siggy, you did it!

mission accomplished ad

Meanwhile, back in Franklin Lakes, Folletto takes Mortadella go-cart racing, as an excuse to talk to her about how much everything sucks in her life, what with her dad in meatball prison and her Nonna haunting her kitchen and everything. It’s a lot for an 11-year-old.

Later, Teresa swings by Siggy’s house with some coffee, where Siggy volunteers so much information about her “butt pellets” and revitalized sex life with Mr. Siggy.

Teresa:

fanning irritated westworld oh brother.gif

Siggy then asks when was the last time Teresa saw Meatball, and she reveals it’s been over three months.

wait-what-kroll-show-liz

Let’s just pause here for a moment: Teresa hasn’t seen Meatball in three months? And her excuse is “because stuff”? This is literally more shocking to me than hearing Teresa say that she resents Meatball for getting her caught up in his dum-dum meatball fraud, as it is much more indicative just how furious with him she actually is. Teresa can not string a simple sentence together without at least three malapropisms, so it’s not entirely surprising that she is not able to verbally express her feelings. However, Teresa giving Meatball the cold shoulder for three months while he is in meatball prison, ESPECIALLY when she knows firsthand what being in meatball prison is like and how much those famiglia visits mean? DAMMMMNNN, SHE PISSED.

Anyway, Siggy knows that Teresa is so old-school that she only has access to two emotions:

“incompetently blind rage”

teresa table flip

and “pretending that everything is perfect and wonderful when in reality everything is a garbage fire”

teresa dancing to melissa song milania disapprove rhonj

But Siggy, bless her, tries anyway to assure Teresa that she is allowed to have feelings and be both sad and furious with her meatball husband. Teresa is like, “Yeah, OK, but I’m probably not going to tell you about them.”

So, Dolores’ “dog fair.” There’s a park and a bunch of tents? And some people bring dogs? Like Danielle who arrives pushing her two purse dogs in a stroller? As in a baby stroller? WHICH WE CAN ALL AGREE IS INSANE. But I don’t really understand what the point is? Is it an adoption fair? Is it an event where the tent people are selling things and the proceeds go towards “dogs”? Or is it a fair for dogs, with little doggy rides and doggy dunking booths and deep fried doggy treats? I AM VERY CONFUSED.

And we receive no answers because as soon as everyone arrives, the group splits into two groups: Siggy, Dolores, Teresa and Melissa in one group; Margaret and Dolores in another. Melissa tattles on Danielle to Siggy, explaining that while they were at the retreat, Danielle theorized that Siggy’s reconciliation with Margaret was disingenuous. Meanwhile, Danielle warns Margaret that she needs to watch her back with Siggy; advice that Margaret explains she is willing to take because Danielle “has been around these women” longer than she has — even though Margaret has known Siggy longer than Danielle has BUT OK WHATEVER SURE LET’S NOT DWELL ON THIS TOO LONG.

The groups come back together where Siggy mentions that — oh holy Hell — Kim D. is hosting another Posche fashion show. However, the only person that is interested in going besides Dolores and Siggy is Margaret because she hasn’t had the pleasure of being Kim D.’s target meeting Kim D. yet.

Sometime later, Melissa meets Margaret at her New York showroom and is like, “Wow, so you have a real company!” Margaret then suggests that they go on the season’s big trip to Milan to look at shoes or something and Melissa is FOR IT.

So it turns out that Siggy and Dolores are not just attending the Posche fashion show, they are also walking in it, a minor detail they chose to keep from Melissa and Teresa. And, to exactly no one’s except Siggy’s feigned surprise, while Siggy and Dolores are trying on their outfits for the fashion show, Kim D. begins regaling them with stories about how Teresa has been “rekindling old flames.” Siggy and Dolores are both like, “Stop. Don’t. Stop. Oh no. I don’t want to hear this. Stop,” before being like, “Alright, we’ll see you this weekend for the fashion show, bye.”

Later, Melissa hosts a dinner so as to invite the ladies to come to Milan with her and Margaret and everyone is like, “Hooray!” But then Siggy decides she needs to come clean with Teresa about Kim D., and is all, “So, the bad news is that Dolores and I are walking in the Posche fashion show, a fact that we didn’t tell you earlier. The worse news is that while we were having our fittings for said fashion show that we did not tell you we were walking in, Kim D. suggested that you are cheating on Meatball with an old boyfriend. The worst news is that we are still walking in the fashion show.”

Teresa and Melissa hear this news, nod politely and calmly respond by saying that ultimately it’s Dolores and Siggy’s choice and that they know that spreading untrue gossip reflects more poorly on the gossiper than the gossipee, so they have nothing to worry about. Enjoy the fashion show, ladies!

LOL J/K:, Teresa and Melissa start screaming at the top of their lungs about all the things Kim D. has done to them over the years — which to be fair is a long list; Teresa hurls a glass at a wall and briefly considers flipping a table over; and everyone begins shrieking about whether or not Siggy and Dolores adequately stood up for Teresa. When Margaret sides with Melissa and Teresa, Siggy whines, again, that Margret doesn’t “have any heart,” because, apparently, Siggy is the only one allowed to have any feelings about anything.

And with that, Siggy and Dolores take their leave. Arrivederci, cagnas.

After they leave, Teresa announces a change of plans: they are going to the Posche fashion show and they are going to confront Kim D.

assemble your crew prince dave chappelle gang squad.gif

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.

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