MONDAY
Vanderpump Rules: These assholes are back. Season premiere. 8 p.m., Bravo
The Great Christmas Light Fight: Some lunatic wraps 78 trees in lights in the season premiere. 7 p.m., ABC
The Wall: It’s a holiday-themed episode. 9 p.m., NBC
Relationshep: Prepare for all the “Shep” puns you can handle. Series premiere. 9 p.m., Bravo
The 95th Annual Christmas Tree Lighting from President’s Park: What if you held a tree lighting and no one came? 6 p.m., Hallmark
Cash Cab: This is back. Series premiere. 9 p.m., Discovery
TUESDAY
Will & Grace: The group imagines what Christmas in old New York would be like. (Spoiler alert: not cool with the gays.) 8 p.m., NBC
Superstore: It’s Christmas Eve, good luck. 8:30 p.m., NBC
The Middle: Something about a time capsule on the 200th episode. 200 episodes is a lot of episodes! 7 p.m., ABC
Stripped: This new series is some sort of experiment where they take everything you own out of your house or something. No thanks! Series premiere. 9 p.m., Bravo
WEDNESDAY
Happy!: Christopher Meloni is seeing tiny flying horses in this wacky new series. Series premiere. 9 p.m., Syfy
The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Oh lord, it’s the Posche Fashion Show so SHIT IS GOING DOWN. 8 p.m., Bravo
Shut Eye: Season two. Hulu
Broad City: OH NO ILANA AND ABBI ARE LEAVING US DO NOT GO LADIES DO NOT LEAVE US WE NEED YOU RIGHT NOW. Season finale. 9:30 p.m., Comedy Central
THURSDAY
Top Chef: The new season is set in Colorado until it picks up and moves to Vietnam or something for no good reason. Season premiere. 9 p.m., Bravo
The Great American Baking Show: Season premiere. 8 p.m., ABC
Psych: The Movie: They’ve made a movie of it. But not of Community. 7 p.m., USA
The Orville: ADIOS, MOTHERFUCKERS. Season finale. 8 p.m., Fox
FRIDAY
The Crown: Season premiere, even though I was pretty sure it had already debuted months ago. Shows what I know. Netflix
The Grand Tour: My teenage son will be so excited. Season premiere. Amazon
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: Paula confronts his past in the winter finale. 7 p.m., The CW
SATURDAY
Saturday Night Live: James Franco & SZA 10:30 p.m., NBC
Logan: I have sworn off superhero movies, but I hear this one is good? Ugh, does this mean I have to watch it? 7 p.m., HBO
Mary Poppins: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. 7 p.m., ABC
SUNDAY
Outlander: The Frasers take Jamaica. Season finale. 7 p.m., Starz
Counterpart: J.K. Simmons stars in this new sci-fi thriller. It has a sneak preview tonight, before premiering in January. Series premiere. 8 p.m., Starz
The Walking Dead: Mid-season finale. 8 p.m., AMC
Frozen: Let it go, etc. 7 p.m., ABC
Star Wars marathon: Watch the first six movies, even the not great ones, in preparation for the premiere of Star Wars: The Last Jedi which is happening SO SOON. 3:20 a.m. TBS
I cried during Logan. Like, not sobbed but somewhere between “cutting onions” and “where are the damn allergy pills”