‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Beating a hasty retreat

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“A Retreat to Remember”
November 16, 2017

We begin on a shopping trip for wallpaper with Margaret and her husband Other Joe. It’s exactly as interesting as it sounds.

jebediah-atkins-next-snl

In much more important storylines, Dolores has invited Teresa to meet her for some 3 p.m. wine and a small plate calamari so as to hash out some of their recent disagreements, as yous do.

There, Dolores begins her list of grievances: For starters, how could Teresa believe Danielle Squartits over her about this whole saying Teresa only cares about money thing? She and Teresa have known each other for more than 20 years now and, anyway, she’s pretty sure that Danielle is on The Drugs. Teresa, hilariously, protests that Danielle can’t possibly be doing drugs because she does yoga.

okay sarcastic snl ariana grande annoyed.gif

And another thing: How dare Teresa question Dolores’ relationship with her walking quadricep of an ex-husband? WHAT’S IT TO YOUS? I mean, sure, she and Quadricep split up some 20 years ago because she couldn’t put up with the kind of bullshit that Teresa obviously tolerated in her own marriage, which she respects Teresa for!

teresa drinking surprise shock what.gif

Teresa, who is dumb, but not that dumb, understands that Dolores is insinuating that Meatball cheated on her, but before she can tump a plate of calamari in Dolores’ lap, Dolores softens her statement: she just means that Meatball was “a lot of work” and that Teresa put up with some “nasty” things and she just wants to see her dear friend treated with respect. Teresa insists that Dolores DOES NOT NEED TO WORRY ABOUT IT before adding that, yes, Meatball better get his shit together when he is released from meatball prison.

i should fucking hope so

Anyway, Teresa finally decides that if she has to decide whom to believe in the battle between Squaretits and Dolores, she supposes she believes the woman she’s been friends with for 20+ years over the woman she publicly called a “prostitution whore” and threw a table at.

She supposes.

Dolores swings by Siggy’s house where Siggy has prepared a giant pile of whipped cream as a snack, which, no judging, who hasn’t. Siggy explains she is stress eating because she is anxious about her first overnight retreat which is happening that weekend. Except that it’s not really her first overnight retreat because it is only for the cast of the show, but, yous know, details.

Dolores encourages Siggy to call and invite Margaret to attend the seminar because contractual obligations to make nice and she does and Margaret agrees to attend. And then Siggy asks Dolores if it’s alright to invite Danielle to attend and Dolores shrugs that it’s fine because contractual obligations she has enough self-awareness to recognize that she would be a hypocrite to tell Siggy to invite Margaret but then insist that Danielle be excluded.

Elsewhere, Melissa and Margaret have lunch where they discuss Folletto’s horror when he discovered his infant daughter had a vagina; a plan for Margaret to introduce Melissa to fashion people; and the fact that they have both agreed to go on this retreat of Siggy’s even though she’s been a fucking monster to them.

Retreat time! After a nonsense packing montage, everyone but Siggy piles into a church van and is driven out to some Jersey resort. On the ride over, the women laugh and laugh and laugh over this horribly photoshopped Instagram post by Siggy:

… which was very clearly a message to Margaret despite Dolores unconvincingly protesting otherwise.

Also, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Upon arrival, the women are seated in the front row of a conference room where Siggy and her divorce lawyer partner Vikki begin their spiel about how the purpose of the retreat is for people to be vulnerable and become “naked” emotionally. Siggy then begins a spiel about how if people are hurting or mocking you, you have a right to look them in the face and say, “FUCK YOU.” To which Margaret sighs and is like, “alright, here we go.”

But Siggy surprises her by explaining to the group that she and Margaret got off on the wrong foot, and she realized that she needed to do some self-exploration to understand why it hurt her so much when Margaret was mean to her. After much thought, Siggy realized that as a child she was bullied and called a whole host of cruel names, and so when Margaret called her “Soggy,” it opened up old wounds. But she’s totally over it now and forever, and in fact, Siggy has arranged for Margaret to share her and Dolores’ room. “Yay?” says Margaret. “Great? So glad you just sprung this on me? What fun?”

After Siggy’s Confession Hour, the ladies are led to the second part of the seminar where the women are supposed to meet with experts in small groups to deal with their personal issues and concerns. And by “personal issues and concerns” I mean “worries about their personal appearance.” There’s the plastic surgeon booth! And the makeup artist booth! And the hairdresser booth! And the stylist booth! And the photographer booth where you can learn how to take an amazing selfie! All of the experts in one place to help you manufacture the appearance of having a beautiful perfect life when in reality you eat plates of whipped cream while crying about the time someone in second grade called you “Siegfried and Roy.”

Also, Siggy is selling “Soggy Flicker” t-shirts, so there’s that.

Later, Teresa tells Danielle about her conversation with Dolores and that Dolores suggested that Danielle was on The Drugs, to which Danielle just laughs at the lack of imagination. What’s next, Dolores is going to accuse Danielle of kidnapping people and being a member of the Colombian cartel?

bring it come on erika rhobh

That evening, the ladies meet for dinner, where Vikki and Siggy ask for feedback on the seminar, and the women have some solid notes! Maybe the second half of the day could focus more on the internal rather than external, and perhaps the title of the seminar shouldn’t be so focused on “love and marriage,” because it’s not the most empowering message. These are smart notes! Look at these dummies with the constructive criticism!

And that’s when the feel-good-get-along times come to an end as Danielle begins yelling at Dolores for suggesting that she does The Drugs and everyone is like, “OH, COME ON” –even Siggy, who agrees that this is not helpful.

The next morning, everyone eats pastries before heading outside for the first of several activities: role play! The ladies are each to pick someone they have an issue with and act out that person’s behavior. The first volunteer is Margaret who performs this Oscar-worthy impersonation of Siggy:

margaret impersonation of siggy rhonj.jpg

It is perfection.

ALRIGHT! The Posche Fashion Show is this week, SO I HAVE TO HURRY AND CATCH UP KBYE.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.

 

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