Bachelor in Paradise
September 4, 2017
Let’s begin with where these tequila-stained, sand-crusted monsters currently stand romantically:
- Taylor and Charlie Brown’s Teacher are in loooooooove.
- Fun Robby and Token Single Mom are the “Ken and Barbie” of Paradise.
- Doll Daddy and SOOEY! are comfortably boring.
- Doocifer and Cameltoe are in some horrible sadomasochistic situation where he orders her to do things like “go put [her] head in the sand and look for worms.” So sweet!
- Chipotle is kinda interested in Diggy, but not making any promises or anything.
- Scallop Fingers is caught in an improbable love triangle between JACK STONE! and Tickle Monster.
- Kewpie, in Chipotle’s words, “is the ultimate fuckboy” caught between Olya Povlatsky and Boobs McGee on the “hot mess express.”
- Warrior Dancer and Franz are just here for the booze, thanks.
That dum-dum Kewpie learns from some of the other men that Olya was RIGHT THERE while he was making out with Boobs McGee, and to his credit, Kewpie is like, “It’s true: I am a horrible human being that no one should trust with their emotions.”
But then he goes and tries to talk to Olya and is like, “Why aren’t you talking to me? Is it because Boobs and I were chicken-fighting in the pool?”
Kewpie’s defense to being called out for making out with Boobs RIGHT IN FRONT OF OLYA is that he didn’t know she was there.
And then he explains that he still doesn’t know what he wants: Boobs or someone who challenges him.
With that, Olya kisses Kewpie on the cheek and tells him that IT’S TIME FOR A MOTHERFUCKER TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE WANTS ALREADY.
And let’s just pause here for a moment and discuss how strange it is that a spin-off of a series about a man who dates some 25+ women at one time would have such a different set of rules and values, one that emphasizes monogamy above all. I’m not saying that Kewpie isn’t being a disrespectful little shit to Olya here, I’m saying that if he were the Bachelor no one would think twice about the way he’s treated these women — in fact, it would be expected of him. Weird.
In other news, Warrior Dancer crawls all over Tickle Monster who is like, “You know, sure. Why not?”
And that’s when the next arrival shows up.
I called him Drummer Boy during Rachel’s season because he arrived playing a drum for some dumb reason, but in practice, he was WHABOOM!’s nemesis, and that’s the only thing people remember him for.
And they really don’t like him for it. As Drummer Boy tries to chat up the women of Paradise, there are two recurring complaints: 1. He is so so so so sweaty. Easily the sweatiest person in a beach full of sweatbags. And 2. HE WON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT WHABOOM. STILL. EVEN NOW.
After regaling all of the women with his reasons why WHABOOM was the fucking worst, Sweaty von Sweatballs decides he’s most interested in Olya and asks her to join him on his date. But Olya is like, “Not now, dude.”
But before Sweaty can find someone to join him, in walks Old Classmate, whom all the women are like, “YES PLEASE AND THANK YOU.”
Old Classmate and Sweaty realize that they are going on a double date, and within two seconds of arriving, Old Classmate has a companion: Chipotle. Diggy seethes.
Meanwhile, Sweaty still hasn’t found a date, and asks Scallop Fingers to join him, who is like, “Wait, I thought you were interested in Olya Pavlotsky?” Sweaty is all, “I mean I was until she rejected me so now I’m ‘interested’ in you. I guess.” Scallop Fingers agrees to go on the date. JACK STONE! seethes. Tickle Monster might have seethed if his tongue weren’t down Warrior’s throat.
The foursome head out on what turns out to be the most hilarious date of the season: first a jet boat ride that makes Scallop Fingers nauseous and melts her mascara all over her face, and then some zip lining and “blobbing” (that giant inflatable thing that you jump on) in which Scallop Fingers loses her contact lens. Bless her scallopy heart.
Back in Paradise, the women decide to determine for themselves whether or not JACK STONE! is a bad kisser, something that Scallop Fingers apparently claimed at some point, and one-by-one they each make out with him, even the ladies that are in “relationships.” This is how bored everyone is and how much they just want to go home already.
As the double date returns from their day-long nightmare, Chris Harrison arrives and explains that there will be no more new men to arrive in Paradise, halleloo. And he has one last date card before tonight’s rose ceremony, this one for Fun Robby even though he’s already had been on a date and JACK STONE! has had exactly zero. JACK STONE! seethes.
Fun Robby and Token Single Mom go to a street carnival, it is very very boring.
Back in Paradise, everyone heads to the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, where Franz — who is somehow still here — pops back a tequila shot or two and announces he’s leaving. This shit is boring, no one is into him, he hasn’t seen the internet in weeks and he has a dog who misses him.
As for the rest: Diggy tries to woo Chipotle with a weird game involving either-or questions on index cards. Question: where did he get index cards in Paradise?
Scallop Fingers learns from All-4-Wells that 1. everyone is calling her “Scallop Fingers,” and 2. why everyone is calling her “Scallop Fingers.” She shrugs that it “could be worse.” HOW? HOW COULD ANY NICKNAME POSSIBLY BE WORSE THAN “SCALLOP FINGERS?” Look, there are a number of filthy nicknames that anyone could be called; someone with as crude a vocabulary as your trusty blogger could come up with many off the top of her head. But there is something much much more awful about “Scallop Fingers” because neither words are explicitly bad, but also too, because of the origin of the nickname, that she was so very gross with leftover scallops. It can not be worse. It literally can not be any worse than “Scallop Fingers.”
Except then Doocifer goes and proves me wrong by calling Scallop Fingers, “Scallies,” and “Scally Scally Doodle,” like he thinks he’s Tom Haverford or something.
Then, somehow, everyone is falling all over themselves to woo Scallop Fingers with plates of scallops and much face-chewing. It’s a horror show.
Meanwhile, in the love triangle THAT JUST WILL NOT DIE, Boobs McGee, wearing a chainmail bikini and mom pants …
… I mean, is someone at Stitch Fix playing a prank on her? HOW DOES THIS OUTFIT EVEN HAPPEN?
Anyway, Boobs demands to know from Kewpie whether or not he’ll accept her rose if she offers it BECAUSE SHE IS NOT PLAYING ANYMORE. HE HAS TO MAKE A GOD DAMNED DECISION.
So Kewpie finally FINALLY takes Olya aside and admits what everyone except Olya wanted to believe: that he is more interested in Boobs McGee than he is in her, and Olya is like, “THE FUCK? I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU ASKED FOR: TIME, SPACE, PATIENCE, AND YOU STILL CHOSE HER OVER ME? HOW DOES THAT WORK?”
Oh, baby. Baby girl. See, the thing is, when a man asks you for those things, what he’s really asking is for you to dump his no-good cheating selfish ass. I know you’re bilingual, but you need to brush up on your douchebag vocabulary before you move on to your next relationship.
Olya then does the thing that young women who have been fucked over by their shitty boyfriends always do: blames the other woman. However, SOOEY! points out the obvious: the only person who had any kind of obligation to Olya was Kewpie. If she’s going to be mad at anyone it should be that dickbird. But Olya REALLY WANTS TO BLAME THAT HOMEWRECKING SLUT FOR BREAKING UP A WEEKS-LONG ARTIFICIALLY FORMED REALITY SHOW RELATIONSHIP AND SHE IS GOING TO CALL SOOEY! A CRAPPY FRIEND FOR MAKING HER CONSIDER THAT IT MAY NOT BE THAT EASY TO BLAME ONLY ONE PERSON HERE. DO NOT TELL OLYA THE TRUTH. THE TRUTH HAS NO MEANING HERE.
It takes All-4-Wells to ask Olya why she’s fighting for someone who is not fighting for her for Olya to finally crack and realize that she has been wasting her time on this fucker. She then declares that she knows what needs to be done and that “karma is a bitch.” Which is a misleading statement, considering how things turn out in the immediate future — but a far more accurate one in the long run*
Finally, the Rose Ceremony:
Cameltoe gives her rose to Doocifer
Taylor gives her rose to Charlie Brown’s Teacher
Token Single Mom gives her rose to Fun Robby
SOOEY! gives her rose to Doll Daddy
Chipotle gives her rose to Diggy
Warrior Dancer gives her rose to Tickle Monster, and threatens to “tickle his pickle”
Scallop Fingers gives her rose to JACK STONE!
Olya Povlatsky announces that she is not giving her rose to ANYONE because GO FUCK YOURSELF, KEWPIE. And with that, she storms out of Paradise. Kewpie chases after her and apologizes but no, sir. No.
But there is no real consequence for Kewpie because of course Boobs McGee offers him her rose.
Which means, adios, Old Classmate and Sweaty von Sweatballs. True fact: I’ve already forgotten y’all’s real names.
* As it turns out, karma is a bitch, she just sometimes takes a while:
Bachelor in Paradise airs at 7/8 p.m. on Monday and Tuesday nights. It is slowly killing my will to live.