‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Real estate? More like real boring.

The Real Housewives of New York
“Regency Reunion”
June 21, 2017

Oh yay, it’s an entire episode devoted to New York City real estate. Yaaaaaaaay.

Look. A whole other lifetime ago, I lived in New York City, and so I kinda get it: because New York City real estate is cartoonishly expensive and actual decent spaces are relatively scarce, the topic of real estate occupies a much larger part of any given New Yorker’s anxieties, jealousies, and fantasies than it does for people outside of the City, except maybe in San Francisco or London. That said, if I wanted to watch an episode of Million Dollar Listing: New York, I WOULD WATCH AN EPISODE OF MILLION DOLLAR LISTING: NEW YORK.

I mean, seriously, 90% of this episode was watching people tour apartments, moving people out of apartments, moving people into apartments, preparing apartments to go onto the market or admiring renovations of apartments.

biance no rupaul drag

Tinsley: Looking for an Apartment

For instance, we begin the episode promisingly with Princess Poland meeting with Tinsley, where they discuss Page Six‘s coverage of the two of them attending some sort of schmancy gala and talking shit about what Anne Hathaway was wearing.

Her Highness of Hairstyles then suggests to Tinsley that her reintroduction to New York’s social scene should be about reinventing herself: that she should cut her hair, change her look, date different kinds of guys, try being someone new, all of which Tinsley resoundingly rejects because ew.

But then we turn to the issue of real estate, in which Tinsley explains that her mother is back in town to help her shop for apartments because OMG SHE CAN NOT LIVE WITH SONJA “DO NOT LOOK MY ASSISTANT DIRECTLY IN THE EYE” MORGAN FOR ONE MINUTE LONGER.

Sometime later, Tinsley, her fading gardenia Momma and Tinsley’s realtor friend Chris Leavitt from Million Dollar Listing: Miami

jim the office omg exasperated
WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT “MILLION DOLLAR LISTING?”

… tour an apartment in the West Village that is around 1500 sq. feet and will cost her very nearly $9,000 a month. That is too many dollars a month for an apartment in which the master bedroom has to be carefully measured to guarantee a bed will fit inside of it.

The trio then head to the Upper East Side to tour another apartment that is also 1500 sq. feet and will also cost her $9,000 a month. Because this apartment only has two bedrooms compared to the first apartment’s four, the space feels larger and is clearly more bang for all nine thousand bucks (A MONTH). However, Tinsley is not ready to sign the lease because suddenly she’s decided that maybe she’s not ready to make such a big decision after all. So Momma suggests she move into a hotel for a while because that’s how much money these people have: Move Into a Hotel Indefinitely money.

Sonja: Moving People into Her Apartment Townhome

Instead, Tinsley intends to stay at Sonja’s townhouse which is becoming more crowded by the minute, what with Petit Jouet Français moving into Sonja’s home and her begrudging affections. Still, while Petit Jouet Français may share Sonja’s bed, that does not mean he’s allowed to share her bathroom — which considering how many Blackberries she has shoved in her toilets, might actually be for the best — or have a say in whether or not she dates a man old enough to be his father when he’s not in the country which is supposedly fairly often.

Princess WantsToLiveAlone: Moving People out of Her Apartment

While Sonja is settling a much-younger man into her home, Princess Sereness is kicking one out of hers. During a visit with an interior decorator over what to do with her completely cat-destroyed couch, the Duke of Arancini swings by to pick up the last of his things, including a Buddha head that the two bicker over. Guys, GUYS! For $29 and a quick trip to Pier One, you can both have one!

Bethenny: Prepares to Sell an Apartment

Meanwhile, Bethenny and Fredrik continue filming a backdoor pilot for their new real estate show. I AM NOT INTERESTED, BRAVO. YOU CAN NOT MAKE ME INTERESTED, BRAVO.

hurley fingers in ears lost la la can't hear you

In non-real estate news, Dorinda and Princess Politics go to Washington D.C. for the Women’s March, which, yay for them! I was with you ladies in spirit! But it doesn’t exactly make for compelling television, if we’re all being honest here.

Elsewhere, Sonja goes on a date with her other apparent marriage prospect “love interest,” Rocco, in which he shuts down his restaurant in Hoboken so that they can enjoy it alone. There, Sonja admits schtupping Tom the Cheater, which Rocco had only heard about in rumor, and then confesses that she’s also mais oui-ed Petit Jouet Français. Conveniently, Sonja happens to leave out the part where Petit Jouet Français’ clothes have taken up space in her closet and his Blackberry is currently residing in her toilet. Meanwhile, Rocco here is just looking to get a damn kiss. Move on, Rocco. Non è mai succederà, amico.

Ramona: Shows off Her Renovated Apartment

Finally, Ramona has a party to show off the fact that she’s replaced her formica countertops in her kitchen with some marble ones. To this end, Ramona has pulled her hair into a tight high-pony and squeezed herself into a tank top dress, and, contrary to her guests who raise their eyebrows and tsk that it’s an unbecoming look for a 60-year-old, all I have to say is you do you, honey. I can only hope to look half as tight at your old ass age.

werk work rhianna

Anyway, the only thing that keeps this countertop party interesting is that Ramona Singer, 9 season veteran of this series for a reason, people, has invited two troublemakers: Harry the Ex and that Missy woman who Tom the Cheater was dating when he initially hooked up with The Countess, and who only learned this fact when she walked in on them at the Regency Hotel bar.

Harry the Ex is his typical gross self: leering at Tinsley’s chest, leering at Sonja’s ass, leering at Ramona’s boob job. However, I did think it interesting that when they discuss all the women that Harry the Ex has dated on the cast — Sonja and The Countess — they neglect to mention the cast member to whom he was once married and who truly gave him his name: Aviva.

aviva leg throw
God, I miss you. 

The Countess: Considers Looking for a New Apartment for Tom the Cheater

Elsewhere, this Missy woman marches right up to The Countess and Tom the Cheater to greet them, forcing Tom the Cheater to say to The Countess, “You know Missy; you met her once before at the Regency.”

latrice laugh lol

Oh, and Ramona is still trying to figure out how to get back in Bethenny’s good graces, who cares, the end.

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and does not give one shit about New York City real estate, you guys.

 

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